Trying to decide whether to continue being the sole caregiver for my 84-year-old wife with Alzheimer's and other medical problems. Any advice?

my husband is a bit more functional than your wife (he still drives & dresses himself,) but whenever i'm gone for more than a couple of days i hire someone to come in & check on him. every day. and i take 2 10 -14 day trips every year, as my sanity breaks, to prove to myself that i can handle being out still. i also make sure i get out to hike & kayak & attend rotary meetings, just to keep my connections with people who can converse normally, as fully functioning adults.

Yes, I understand your dilemma. My husband with PD and progressing aggressively shows me that time would only tell what is going to happen, but, for me putting him in institution is not an option, as I would feel similar to how you feel.
However, I came to accepting( most days) his condition will not improve and I had to start create my own life. I am neither introvert/extrovert, so I want company, friends, but I don’t need them all the time. However, I am never lonely and I need almost every day few to several hours on my own.
I also have great need to travel again and soon this is going to happen.
There is no drama here as we have respite care so I have time to go out with friends or do other things.
At the same time I recognize my husband’s needs to have good friends who invite us and vice versa.
Recognize your needs and have them met, create life on your own, join some clubs, interest groups or take short trip at first. You are talking care of your wife for years, I have done the same with every doctor, specialist, going for every test, second opinions, isolation during covid, injuries, surgeries and there is nothing more to do, the rest is beyond my control. Now I have to rebuild my life, I have overwhelming need to move forward, my needs are becoming more important in order to remain happy and able to continue.

I would suggest start slowly before making a drastic move for her that might leave her feeling abandoned and you feeling guilty.
First evaluate any family support or children that you may not have even directly asked them to help. Some people may know that you have given your entire life to her care, will commend you for it, and some even toss out a few - do you need anything? Those are the people that you have to directly and specifically ask for help: I would like to spend a week away from home. Can you come and stay with the Mrs? If you have children and there has been ANY discussion of what they will inherit when the two of you are gone, make sure they all know there is about to be large deductions out of the pot of gold.

If this isn't an option - you've asked and been turned down - then it comes down to finances. Can you afford to pay for round the clock care in order to take a week off? If there's children who won't step in to help with caregiving, would they split the cost of 24/7 care so you can get out of the house?

Have you thought about selling the house and moving into a facility with both assisted living and maybe a little higher level of care for wife? Facility type living might work better for both of you - you could walk out the door to enjoy life knowing she has the 24 hr care she needs. You could still visit with her, as a visitor instead of wearing yourself out in the caregiving role. It would keep both of you under the same roof while allowing you some freedom -- and no worrying about keeping up a home/lawn/etc.

Hard decision for you...peace in whatever you decide to do.

OldArkie: Perhaps it is time for a managed care facility.

I did face this dilemma with my husband. At some point you realize that one person is not enough to take care of your spouse. I did the research and found a memory care facility that I thought would meet his needs and explained to him that I could no longer take care of him safely by myself. It was traumatic, but the right thing to do for him (and me.) I was able to visit him every day, but no longer responsible for the exhausting daily (and nightly) care. It is our responsibility to see that our spouses are taken care of, but at some point, we need to pass the baton on to those that can help us do that. It sounds like you have reached that point.....

yes you will. I, too, and the primary care giver for my husband for the last five years . I am 67 he is 78. I wonder the same thing. You have to find a hobby that you can take time for yourself. In the beginning guilt will be bad. But, push forward

I’ve been caring for an elderly parent for 4 years now. Unlike many of those responding, I do NOT work in any kind of care facility. I have seen the kind of facilities which they say just don’t exist any longer.
Social security and Medicare will not provide enough revenue to provide the utopia they advocate for.
You can only speak from your experiences and your heart. I understand your concerns.
Let your conscience be your guide because you’re the only one who can answer that question.
Did I do the right thing?
The day is rapidly approaching when I too will have to make that choice.
I reached out to my state and county aging services depts. As a result of that call my family member was determined to be a High Priority for services. It has been 3 years now. Just a couple of days ago they made what I suspect is their annual call to determine if the individual is still alive and confirmed that yes they were STILL, a high priority.

Good luck to you Sir.