Trying to decide whether to continue being the sole caregiver for my 84-year-old wife with Alzheimer's and other medical problems. Any advice?

Please consider adding other people to the "team" to help care for your wife. My husband and I got COVID together. We are younger seniors and very active (work full time still, care for ourselves and our home, volunteer...). COVID has really taken our energy down several notches right now. Yes, we will recover and get back our usual energy... but it reminds me that we all need help now and again. We all need people in our lives who can be those helpers. Please ask family, friends, members of a faith community you respect, and paid help to add extra caregivers to assist your excellent care.

Regardless of how close the two of you are or aren't, caregiving is a team sport and you need a team to help you.

I would say that it's time to explore facilities for her. You need a life.

My advice as a caregiver for over 27yrs and also a former activity director at a assisted living. Place her in a memory care facility. It will be healthy for her and you.Your life is depending on it.You both deserve it.Just look at reviews interview residents.We become very close and like family with your wife and unlike you becoming resentful for every right reason the care pros will love her and look forward everyday to connect. Much love and strength to you.

Please frame it in your mind as getting the help she so clearly needs, not as a failing on your part. Taking care of her is beyond what you are capable of now. Please start looking for a good facility for her. You and she may be surprised at what you find. Care facilities nowadays are a far cry from the old nursing homes.

I think you have a skewed vision of Memory Care AL when you use the word 'commit', which is the most negative usage of the word I've ever heard! I did not have my mother 'committed' when I placed her in AL; I did what was necessary for her and my wellbeing, and found a great place where she would get the best possible care imaginable. That would allow me to live my life, and her to live her life with autonomy at the same time. I wouldn't have to martyr myself or hold huge resentment & grudges over 'having to' care for her for the decade plus that she lived near me, either. Caring for her scope of needs was WAY out of my realm of ability anyhow, since I am not a nurse, a doctor or a trained caregiver, I don't know about you.

When I worked as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence, I met many, many spouses who were faced with the same decision you are faced with now: to either place their spouse in Memory Care to save their OWN lives or continue trying to care for them at home when it was literally impossible to do so. They made the tough decision to place them and were happy they did. The spouses would come by to see their loved one daily, some of them, and have lunch or take them out for a drive, dinner at a nearby restaurant, etc. Sometimes they'd just stay in the rec room and watch a movie together, or take a nap in the spouse's suite. It wasn't the house of horrors you've managed to conjure up in your head, nor were they the monsters you seem to think spouses are who make the decision to use managed care after a lengthy time of in home caregiving.

The vast majority of us who have placed our loved ones in Memory Care AL see and recognize the fact that they've gotten better care there, and way more socialization and stimulation, than they would have gotten staying with us at home. With nothing to do and nobody to socialize with.

It has nothing to do with 'morals' or 'integrity' as those family members would tell you, and as I myself will tell you, b/c to suggest otherwise is to suggest that those of us who have chosen managed care have no morals or integrity. I assure you that is not the case, and those that choose in home care are not 'better than' those who do not. It's a personal decision and not one that should be made based on anything but your ability to properly care for your wife AND your desire to do so for X amount of years more. No, you will have no life moving forward, and even less of a life as she continues to deteriorate down the dementia path. Your duties will only increase as she becomes incontinent (maybe dually so), starts wandering, and staying up all night with insomnia.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever decision you arrive at.

After taking Barb’s advice, maybe consider touring a memory care facility.

My Mom’s is beautiful, and there are LOVELY caregivers there.

You wouldn’t be obligated, and you could see what’s available.

In my opinion, you could still be very committed to your wife, as well as live your life.

At the very least, consider hiring some help.

Best wishes to you.

"Commit her"?

What does that mean?

It sounds as though you envision dropping her off at some Dickension asylum.

Consider that SHE might have a better quality of life in a memory care or skilled nursing facility with a peer group and professionals trained in caregiving, rather than a burned out, overwhelmed, aging spouse.

Please start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging and getting her a needs assessment to see what her level of care needs to be.

Schedule a visit with a highly qualified eldercare attorney to figure out Financials.

(((((Hugs))))).