I'm on the mend after major surgery for cancer. As I do better, I am working on preparing for the future, getting things in order that need to be faced. I respect that my parents did just that and want to follow their lead, in that I truly want to think about my funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, living will, etc., and try and get things in place ahead of time. I don't know what's coming down the road, though am ok, able to work and care for myself for the time being.
I've approached both my husband (husband and I are estranged, living in the same home) and adult daughter and neither is ready to discuss this. Otherwise, I have an adult son but don't know that he would be open to discussing this; he pretty much keeps boundaries with immediate family and I'm pretty much the only person he communicates with regularly.
I can and will do the prep work myself, make arrangements, and get things in place.
My thoughts are that I just want somebody in my family to know what my plans are and to talk about it with them.
Suggestions will be much appreciated. Thank you.
You can't make them want to talk. If the discussion is important to you, you can:
• talk to us!
• look up patients' groups and counselling resources in your area
• talk to friends or more distant relatives who are perhaps in a comparable situation, opening the conversation by asking them if this is a subject that's been on their minds.
Thank you for your helpful response.
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 4 years ago. My DW and I were in the process of setting up our estate, when was diagnosed. We had been referred to an excellent Law Firm that specialized in Estate Planning. We put all of our property in only the name of my DW, we did Pour Over Wills, Advance Medical Directives, Durable Powers of Attorney for both Financial as well as Medical Proxy.
Our attorney recommended that we sit down with our adult children and have a little coming to Jesus discussion. This involved having each of them read through all of our legal papers and a Q & A session so that they could ask questions, and that we could verbally tell them we both supported the others Estate Plan. After the end of the discussion we told them, we left no areas for second guessing our wishes in terms of end of life treatment, burial wishes as they apply to our Catholic Faith.
I didn't stop with the above issues, I went on to tell them that they should not cause trouble for my DW when she decides maybe she wants to begin to date or remarry. Life is for the living, and we all need to move forward because in the end, we all do die. I would also not hesitate to tell your family members that dealing with these uncomfortable subjects is a big part of adult life. Confront it and take control of it and prepare for what will soon come in the future.
Me, I'm entering the next stage of life, where I have become a dependent again and turning in my keys to the car. Yes, life will be different for everyone else, but I have to do what is right for everyone, especially those, that I don't even know. The good thing is nobody told me it was time to turn the keys in, to their surprise I brought it up last week without anyone telling me to give the keys up. My neurologist says, she's never had a patient that ever gave up their keys of their own volition.
Maybe someone else will read these words and do what is best for them. I hope this has been of some help to you
Maybe you could include who u would want to have what.
People are afraid to talk about death because then they have to look at their own mortality. Its scary thinking you could lose a loved one. Maybe u should tell them you need to discuss ur "end of life" decisions for your own peace of mind.
I would go ahead and write you wishes down, see an attorney and make sure all your paperwork is in order, they will also walk you through the considerations for directives, living will, etc and making a healthcare proxy, you can have joint or you can have a succession and the only thing you really might want to ask your daughter and husband about is if they are ok with taking that on, unless of course you have someone else in mind and then you should ask them the same question.
Then once you have have all of that either set or outlined is the time to share it with them. My grandmother put together a letter that clearly outlined what she had set up, her wishes in the event she couldn’t make decisions for herself and why as well as where all the pertinent documents were and a copy of her health care directives. She sent copies to all of her children, grandchildren, brother and the other relatives in her life she was particularly close to so everyone would know HER wishes and if there were disagreements everyone would be clear. Things can always be changed, adjustments made if people have strong opinions about or don’t like something and you are in agreement to change but remember these are YOUR wishes and it’s your decision not everyone else’s, how you want your medical needs handled, cancer, heart attack, stroke or a major accident and appreciate it now or not should the need arise so much stress and worry, a huge weight, will be lifted off your loved ones if you have layers this all out for them, agree with your wishes or not.
You are taking care of your family as well as yourself and I have so much admiration for you. Good luck and be well. You are doing the loving thing.
My kids would tune me out if they did not want to discuss something at that moment but I would leave literature in their room. My daughters told me they always read it.
I don’t force my children to listen to something they aren’t interested in at that time. I tell people when I am not interested in having a discussion with them about a topic, or if I really don’t want to speak to them I simply ignore them.
They may not want to talk about it at this time. It’s not an easy topic for everyone. Respect their feelings for now and you can bring it up later if you wish. You can always discuss it with others who are willing to discuss it if you want another opinion on the topic. Speak to a couple of friends, or bounce the ideas off this forum.
Yes. With my children, I do believe the emotions are raw but know that as time goes on, they seem to be more accepting, less upset.
Copied from the Atul Gawande website, about the book you suggested, "Riveting, honest, and humane, Being Mortal shows that the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life – all the way to the very end." I like that description. Celebrate life all the way as much as one can. My family and I try to do so with mom. Our mom is a gem and currently resides in an MC facility.
That makes sense, " They will be thinking that going through all this is not the frame of mind that will help you."
I'm focused this way, since I am now a senior citizen and feel it's good to be realistic and prepared. Otherwise, in that I've seen other family members, who've died from cancer -- I observed all energy being focused primarily on just getting by each day when dealing with cancer; my thoughts are to be prepared, in case that should happen.
Even if the cancer does not recur and if nothing else serious happens for the time being with my health, I still feel the need to get things in order. I definitely am going on with life, however short or long that will be. I'm back to work, appreciating my job more these days, spending more "quality time" with people I care for and who care for me, and making plans to do some fun things this year. I'm not ready to give up just yet.
I appreciate more information from you; also, I didn't realize I'd need to be accompanied when getting the document notarized.