Who can I share end of life decisions with, when close family members do not want to discuss that with me?

Hopefully you'll do the basics but have everything finalized with some legal input and you could not only do as others have stated here, put everything in an envelope...but you could add/include the attorney's card and have them have that as a resource. It's concerning to a lot of us who are single, and in the moment, who will follow through on our wishes and respect them. BTW, I've learned more recently about Memorial Societies. Funerals are a dirty little business and that is an understatement...Memorial Societies do price comparisons in an area and educate on what is essential and what isn't, allowing for pre-payment etc. They've been around for decades...

My Grandmother gave us all the greatest gift putting everything in order the way she wanted and then letting everyone know just what her wishes were and plans she had made. She didn’t really consult us or ask us to help her make decisions but she did take some feedback and make a few alterations over the years. Part of my point here is maybe if it doesn’t feel like it’s attached to your Cancer it will be easier for your family to receive. This really is something we all should do and there is no shame in a health scare giving you the nudge you need to make it happen but it doesn’t have to be the reason you are doing it, hope that makes sense. You have to remember that your family went through Cancer too and while it wasn’t the same experience you had it shouldn’t be minimized either and it may very well be that they aren’t as far “through” it as you are. When you say “I want to make sure my affairs are in order for the future” they may hear “I want to be prepared for loosing my battle with Cancer”. Maybe even suggest you and your husband take care of this for each of you but if it’s too much for him to do for you as well as himself that’s fine.

I would go ahead and write you wishes down, see an attorney and make sure all your paperwork is in order, they will also walk you through the considerations for directives, living will, etc and making a healthcare proxy, you can have joint or you can have a succession and the only thing you really might want to ask your daughter and husband about is if they are ok with taking that on, unless of course you have someone else in mind and then you should ask them the same question.

Then once you have have all of that either set or outlined is the time to share it with them. My grandmother put together a letter that clearly outlined what she had set up, her wishes in the event she couldn’t make decisions for herself and why as well as where all the pertinent documents were and a copy of her health care directives. She sent copies to all of her children, grandchildren, brother and the other relatives in her life she was particularly close to so everyone would know HER wishes and if there were disagreements everyone would be clear. Things can always be changed, adjustments made if people have strong opinions about or don’t like something and you are in agreement to change but remember these are YOUR wishes and it’s your decision not everyone else’s, how you want your medical needs handled, cancer, heart attack, stroke or a major accident and appreciate it now or not should the need arise so much stress and worry, a huge weight, will be lifted off your loved ones if you have layers this all out for them, agree with your wishes or not.

You are taking care of your family as well as yourself and I have so much admiration for you. Good luck and be well. You are doing the loving thing.

Countrymouse: I am so very grateful that I do have the opportunity to come to this site, re: where you wrote, "talk to us!"

The responses have been very helpful throughout, and I feel hopeful that I can get on and face what I need to do, armed with some new info and good ideas.

As it would be for anyone, all this has been a little more than nervewracking since I started the process to address my disease and I know it hasn't been a cakewalk for my family either.

What I am happy and grateful for is that I've had some support from family (first and foremost, my daughter); as well, I have had good healthcare along the way; in addition, I've an employer where FMLA, ST disability and understanding management have been key in getting on with life. It could have turned out so much worse. I am counting my blessings.

Same with me, Mom had everything in place. Her Will was up to date. POAs done. Important papers where I could find them easily. Her Medical POA wrote like a living will. What she did and didn't want. She had written out what she wanted for her song at her funeral. Dad passed earlier so the plot and stone were all ready there.
Maybe you could include who u would want to have what.

People are afraid to talk about death because then they have to look at their own mortality. Its scary thinking you could lose a loved one. Maybe u should tell them you need to discuss ur "end of life" decisions for your own peace of mind.

My Mum has everything pretty much organized and has tried to talk to my brother about her plans. He says she is focused on death, he refuses to have the conversation. Me, I know her plans and as the POA (everything) and Executrix, I will fulfill them. My brother is second for POA and Executor, but unless I drop dead or an incapacitated, he will not have to do anything.

My brother is POA and Executor for Dad and I am not on any of those documents. Dad has not planned anything, nor has he talked about what he wants, burial, cremation etc.

The best you can do it make your plans, have a lock box and tell the people who need to know where to find the documents and leave it at that. Keep an up to date list of all your accounts, insurance etc in the lock box. Make sure your registered accounts are beneficiaries, so those funds bypass probate. You cannot force the conversation.

I have a copy of my Will and POA documents at home, but the originals are with my lawyer. I have not yet paid for my cremation, but will do that in a few years when I have a better idea of where I will be living when I am older. Likely in the same community, but life happens.

There is a pamphlet you can get on line called Five Wishes that can help you.
Have you consulted with an Elder Care Attorney? Great place to start when it comes to getting legal things settled properly.
Trusts, Will and all that these are things everyone should have and they should be reviewed these are not just End of Life planning this is Life planning.
Pre plan your Funeral. If the family is resistant to discussing end of life arrangements they will probably not handle well funeral arrangements and this will take a burden off them as well as you knowing you will get what you want.
The next thing is just start talking about what you want, how you feel. These are conversations everyone should have but no one wants.

The advice to put your wishes in an envelop so your family can find it, I dont believe is the best advice. From what I understand, if you do not want to be resuscitated ,etc... it must be notarized, the legal binding document you want is called a Health Care Directive. Also, unless you have a legal document if the ambulance came to get you, they by law, must resuscitate you, unless you have the legal document filled out. You can get this document from your Primary Care Provider, ask someone in the hospital or call the Customer Service number on the back of your insurance card. If your family does not want to get involved then you can ask a friend to make sure your wishes are followed out towards the end of your life.

There's a great book about end of life, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. I'd visit my attorney and draw up an advanced directive, POA, and will - it's usually a package deal. You can talk to your atty about assigning POA, jointly or singularly, and with plenty of backups named in case one can't or won't serve in that capacity. (My husband was named as a relative's POA but his highly regulated industry won't allow him to be POA and have the person as a client - fortunately there was a back up so my husband can advise the POA).

There is actually a legal, binding document that you can get; its called a "Health Care Directive". It is something that you can fill-out concerning all your wishes that you want followed out in the last stages of your life. If your family does not want to listen, then you can ask a good friend. Who ever you do end up with, they will need to go with you, because the document needs to be notarized. The person you choose will need a copy and you also need to keep a copy in a handy place where it can easily be found at home, along with giving on e to your primary care physician to file it for you. You can get the Health Care Directive by asking your primary care physician, ask someone at the hospital or Call Customer Service on the back of yoru insurance card. I hope this helps. Best wishes on your recovery; feel good!

Perhaps you can get your arrangements in place, then leave your wishes in an envelope in a drawer, or somewhere that they are sure to be able to find them when the time comes. You could tell them that you have made your arrangements, and that the information is located in xxx

Respect2honor, I have a different opinion than those posted already, but that doesn't make it the correct one, just a different one. Since we never know when our last day on earth is, and since no one gets out of here alive, and since the longer you allow them to avoid this topic the longer they will, you should at least see if your children are willing to be your joint PoAs (assuming you haven't done this already). You need this in place first. They need to understand what it entails, and they need to be willing to do it. Have it done with an attorney so that she/he can moderate any questions and discussions. You also need a Medical Directive, Living Will, and assign your trusted LOs as representatives on Medical Information Release forms which you will need to get at every doctor you are seeing. This is different than the HIPAA form. You can revisit the PoA arrangement every few years if relationships have changed. No doubt your kids' emotions are a little raw from seeing your cancer experience and worrying about you. Nonetheless I insist that my family be realists about life, since avoidance results in only unconstructive and destructive outcomes. You can fill out your will without their input. I wish you peace in your heart and a cancer-free future xxoo

I would do as you just said, make your plans, then you can inform them later. They aren’t ready to discuss it. I wouldn’t push the issue. If it is that important to you, then you may want to push it. It doesn’t have to be a verbal conversation.

My kids would tune me out if they did not want to discuss something at that moment but I would leave literature in their room. My daughters told me they always read it.

I don’t force my children to listen to something they aren’t interested in at that time. I tell people when I am not interested in having a discussion with them about a topic, or if I really don’t want to speak to them I simply ignore them.

They may not want to talk about it at this time. It’s not an easy topic for everyone. Respect their feelings for now and you can bring it up later if you wish. You can always discuss it with others who are willing to discuss it if you want another opinion on the topic. Speak to a couple of friends, or bounce the ideas off this forum.

Once you've got your thoughts in order and written down, give them each a copy in an envelope. They may never need to open the envelope but if they ever do...

You can't make them want to talk. If the discussion is important to you, you can:

• talk to us!
• look up patients' groups and counselling resources in your area
• talk to friends or more distant relatives who are perhaps in a comparable situation, opening the conversation by asking them if this is a subject that's been on their minds.