Who cares for US… the caregivers!?

They are not "sorry" this falls on your shoulders, but it's more polite than say, "better you than me." When they begin telling you about their wonderful vacations, remind them that because they are free to enjoy themselves because you are the responsible adult in the room taking care of your dad. Legally they don't have to care for your dad, but they also don't get to voice an opinion on dad's care because they've done diddly squat to earn that right. If dad gets too much for you to handle, you'll need to look into having help come in or have him live an a facility. You can't help him if you become too disabled to function. As for the family members...the heck with them. They don't deserve you.

That somebody does not really have to be you. If Dads care has become 24/7 and you have no life of your own, place him. Use what money he has and when gone, apply for Medicaid. Get your life back. And if anyone says anything just say "I didn't see u stepping up to the plate. Or helping me in anyway. But you bragged about your vacations while I cared for Dad 24/7. Well, I want to be able to take a vacation too"

Everyone is free to make their own choices. They chose to not be around your father. That is their right. You chose to step up and that is your choice. Now you are seeing why they don't want to do this. You need to realize they are not going to help so it might be time to look into other options. You don't have to be the solution to your father's problem. He may prefer you were, but we all don't get everything we want now do we? If this is too much for you, look into other options that aren't your siblings.

dear OP :),

i wish you well! :)
you asked a very important question:

"who cares for US...the caregivers!?"

for most of us, the answer is: no one. we're on our own, helping/stressed.

by "on our own", i don't mean that some of us don't have hired in-home aides, or facilities helping: even so, many of us are alone, helping/advocating/making the big decisions/dealing with hundreds of problems. and no one is caring for us.

hence...again, we have to be the caregiver: "caregiver" towards ourselves.

:)
i wish you OP, and everyone on this forum, to be a success story. i don't know the magic formula. but i understand the wrong way to go about it (examples: not taking care of one's own health; letting too much stress build up; etc., etc.). let's all try to avoid the wrong way.

I too have siblings that don’t want to help with Mom’s care. Yes it is frustrating, infuriating, but mostly sad. I have been the sole caregiver for my Mom for 2 years now. The siblings come once a week each on the day and hours they choose. If they have something else to do that day they tell me they can’t come. Bottom line is you have to seek out help elsewhere. This is what I have done. Look into your local community senior programs first. I get an aide for 6 hours a week ( I have her come for one day) paid. If your parent can afford it, hire an agency. I have help come in every day but Mondays. That is my day with Mom for doctor appointments, etc. it’s expensive yes but as I say it’s what her money is for. No more gifts to selfish siblings and their families who never come around to see my Mom. There will be nothing left for any of them because as I see it the money is there for her care. I will use it for aides so I can have a life and I am a better caregiver to my Mom when I have breaks! Also, I limit conversations with the siblings. Talk only about my Mom when necessary. I am not interested in their lives traveling etc as you say your sibs like to tell you. As they are not interested in my life of caregiving. At times I think it is sad and I do get angry after all I am human! But then I look at my Mom who was a good Mom. She didn’t choose to have a stroke and be disabled and have her independence taken from her. She would much rather be with my Dad, but it is not her time. So I will continue to do what many of us here have chose to do and care for my mother without sibling support. Which happens a lot more than I imagined. I am lucky to have a supportive husband and children by my side. It’s a tough road, but also rewarding in many ways.
Good luck to you! You are not alone! Seek out support here and wherever you can find it! Be well!

No one cares for us but ourselves . Tough choices , lonely path . I don’t feel like I have siblings who help - in fact I am disgusted with them - At this point I want my life back too . Really not sure what to tell you but find a social worker . A caregiver support group , take care of your health - stay clear headed and grounded . I don’t think 🤔 I could put my Dad in Assisted Living but I may have to place him somewhere eventually . Keep reaching out - there is good advice on this forum .

This happens in many, many families where only one person bares all the caregivers load. Thank God that He gives me strength to keep going even when I’m ill myself.

When bragging family members call, cut/shorten the conversation. They’ll get the point.

It's good to be sick of it. This is motivation to seek alternatives, otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself. Research, make phone calls, visit facilities.

It's an emotional situation making anyone have tunnel vision. You only see, understandably, the cr*p you're in and the lack of help from your small circle. You're down to your waist in slooow quicksand, the Lone Ranger ain't coming, and you're fixated on the quicksand, and who you'd think would help, so intently that you don't see the branches all around you. Start reaching out for one, then another. At the end of this crumby journey you'll be a great resource of information and you'll become something fierce and proud.

Your situation is a monster, a who the h*ll wants to do this, hugmongous, rip snorting, pain in the butt. It'll wear you out, and make you cross-eyed, but you will gain a lot. And you will encounter good people.

You'll learn about services, and agencies, and what does and doesn't work, and as an added bonus you'll learn about stuff you may need for yourself someday.

I'm blown away at all the great responses to your post.

Learn from others, including your brother and father's siblings. Regarding family, look at them, in a detached way, as the interesting bugs that such a family is. Realize that family is more than blood. Learn their language, it'll be helpful in the future.

You don't have to listen or comment on anything. Politesse is an art form. Have fun with it. Have a bag of talking escape tricks.

Btw, beside waiting for an offer of help from you family, have you actually voiced your need for a break or help from them, or are you just reeling and paralyzed in disbelief. There were times when I've been so stunned that words couldn't come to me.

Have you asked them to perhaps help with research for services for your dad, or make arrangements to get the house or an appliance repaired, or for a lift, or some kind of little assist tailored to what the nincompoops can manage (always with a smile in your voice even when you've popped a blood vessel).

We don't wish bad on anyone but one day, and it might take years, they may come to you saying - Hey, we're in this horrible pickle and you've been through this can you help, or tell us how to manage? Who do we call? And you can smile to yourself and respond - Man, that's terrible, but don't worry, you'll figure it out. And then go on vacation.

Are you and I twins??
I just went thru a weekend of hell with my mother and had to make a very hard decision. I moved her in with me in February 2022 and have had NO help from family, despite reassurances of “We’ll be there for you” and “Just ask if you need help”. She walked out of the house to “walk home” (750 miles away) twice and was verbally abusive, etc.
I should not have called my brother when I was upset, my mistake. But he cussed me out and yelled “What do you want me to do? I told you this was a bad idea!” BTW he’s visited 3 times since she’s been here.
I am moving her into Memory Care next week. It’s for the best for both of us and she will get the care and supervision she needs. I have twinges of guilt and know I will cry when I move her in but it’s time. I can’t take the abuse from her or the anxiety it’s causing her and me.

I’ve realized society, friends and family say the right words but when it comes to backing up those words…they don’t want to spend the time, money or inconvenience that comes with the responsibility.

I'm 61 and caring for my mom who is 100 and in AL and my husband who is 70 and is showing signs of coginitive decline.

I got out of the hospital last Wednesday after being bit by a dog- developed an infection in the joint of my little finger and had to have surgery.

While I was in, my husband called me to bitch about various household chores he had to handle and how hard it was for him. I told him not to bother to come visit me as actually, being away from him and in the hospital was a relief even though under crappy circumstances.

When I got home my mom called and said " Oh you are home! Are you settled in? Here's a list of things I need from the store.

My son and next door neighbor were the only truly kind and helpful people in this situation.

I know both my mom and my husband have cognitive issues but still.. I really felt like crap to know that my injury got so little consideration from either of them. Both of them have had Big Medical Drama in their lives I have been there for them and they still carry on endlessly about their maladies.

I just felt so...insignificant. And good ole Resentment reared it's ugly head but it's hard not to feel that way. I am all outta compassion for anyone but me for now.

I remind myself daily I am worthy, deserving of kindness and consideration. I may not get it from the people I wish to receive it from but I am worthy, nonetheless.