I let it all out the past days. I did it in a calm way, but eventually things got heated.
I’m an only child. I have friends whose siblings dumped it all on them: my friends are angry towards their siblings, but eventually the more unfair the situation got, the more time passed, the more they also felt exploited by the elderly parent/s, not just by the siblings. They expressed themselves directly also to the elderly parent/s.
Every case is different: the more appreciative the LO is, the less angry you might be. There are very valid reasons why some adult children feel exploited - by their own parent.
I spoke up against my parent. Have you too? Did the conversation end badly? Did your parent try to make you feel bad for speaking up? Mine did.
I applaud all of you that had that honest conversation with your LO.
YES.
She wanted to know what "this" was.
"Rushing here from work because you call and tell me that you have an emergency. I come, driving too fast because I'm worried to death about what's wrong and I get and find that you're anxious about something--ants, a storm that's coming (maybe) next week, light bulbs. I'm going to lose my job, Mom. You can't stay here in the house anymore alone. We tried having Aides and you didn't like that. So you need to move somewhere where there is ALWAYS someone nearby you can call."
She got upset at me.
I said "Mom, brother is going to have a heart attack trying to get here we can't do this anymore."
I left. She moved, first into an AL that wasn't a good fit and then to an IL that was great.
I want my Mom to be able to stay home; I just want/need the whole system (caregivers) to be more self-sufficient, needing me less, or hardly at all.
Mom used her money (first to hire aides, which didn't work) and then to live in a supportive facility and eventually nursing home.
There was no way any of us could care for her ar home.
...and my Mom was in denial of how argumentative she could get. With dementia, she was nice to you and remembered you and 1 hour later, she was calling you a thief and a liar and 30 minutes later, didn't remember any of it. Thankfully, we are past that now. Now, she frequently can't remember the question that she asked.
I did use the "I cannot take care of you anymore" as the reason why we moved her into MC. We had caregivers for 9 hours each night 7 days a week, and she went to senior day care for 10 hours a day 5 days a week.
I did not give my Mom a choice. She had to move into MC. In addition, she really didn't get a choice of where she went since she said no to every place that she visited and spaces were getting tight.
Before she was admitted, she argued with me that she didn't get a choice. I told her that she did have a choice and she said "NO" to all the others. After telling her the same story about 5-10 times, she didn't argue choice anymore.
I never had to tell my Mom how negatively it affected my life as I'm not sure it negatively affected my life. I'm not sure she cares. She considers it duty. She helped take care of her sisters and aunts when they were ill. Their kids took care of them most of the time and she and other sisters took turns helping during the day.
As for me, I don't resent taking care of her. I still get angry occasionally, but after a night, I'm ready to go at it again. I still feel I have control of what I do and when I do it. In some ways, I think of it as a huge game of chess.
I don't think they have the capacity understand exactly how much time and energy actually goes into providing their care - even when they still actually HAVE competence and capacity. Their world dwindles down to ensuring that their needs are met and they don't recognize that anyone else has needs that are going unattended.
Quite clearly, another way to approach this is to look at your own want/needs, and accept that you have no magic wand. You can’t change ‘the whole system’. You also can’t change your parents, to make them appreciative, understanding, and reasonable. You have no ‘carrot’ to make them abandon the option that they like but that doesn’t work for you. If you accept both those things, you will reduce your own stress level.
What is the best option, out of those that are genuinely available? You will have some regrets, and your parents may be angry. Just accept that. There's a good chance that it will get better, not worse, when ‘the best option’ is done and dusted.
I meant, the way Barb phrased things to her mother. In other words:
"I can't do this anymore.”
I’ll probably use the same phrase.
Our goal is the same:
change the status quo.
IL worked out for Barb’s mother.
In my case, I want my Mom to be able to stay home. I found live-in caregivers: this means very soon, we’re switching from only daytime shifts, to caregivers living in the house night and day (with breaks; several caregivers rotating).
This new system, if it works smoothly, will give me my life back. FREEDOM.
However, my conversation with my Mom wasn’t just about that (future solution). It was also about the past (negative consequences on my life in the past years, helping).
“We have 21+ hours a daily of in home caregiving but it still requires constant monitoring to maintain it all, caregiver schedules, finances, groceries, appointments.”
Precisely! Me too!
”I am in process of extracting myself”
Same here! I’m trying. Not easy, for practical reasons.
“and I have a plan and making concrete steps every week.”
I want to be like you.
“In general, conversations with my parents about the impact this has had on me are not really productive or reassuring to me anymore.”
I see. Poor you.
It has helped me. I got some empathy in return from my parent.
“It feels like just lip service.”
I see!
:(
That’s not good at all.
“After I toileted him for a BM, my Father told me this morning, you slept in, you are lazy. I just laughed.”
Crazy.
Unfair to you.
And very nice of you to have stepped in, when the caregiver didn’t show up.
“Only taking action to step back has made it better.”
I see!
I’m trying to. But first the reigns must be handed over to someone, and not just anyone.
I hope you are all right. Instead of: “one step at a time”….I’ll say to us: “one step back at a time”.
;)
It is important to note that my FIL is a true narcissist (as in the personality disorder not just a few character traits, and he was abusive to my husband and his sister as children - and the emotional and verbal abuse continues to this day)
BUT I have made comments to him over time asking him what his plan was had they not moved in - that their bad situation and need sort of ended up benefitting him because he never really had a plan. He has always maintained that he intended to stay in his home until the day he dies (his words) and I asked him several times how he intended to make that happen. His responses were always incredibly vague - "I would have figured it out" or "I would have hired someone".
We have actually gone into a bit of detail with him and explained exactly how much hiring someone would cost him and he has admitted he would never have been able to afford that.
We have also told him that many of the physical health issues that SIL, BIL and DH especially have now are in direct correlation to caregiving for him. We have also stated very clearly that his demands and demeaning attitude towards all of us make caregiving for him incredibly difficult and that quite frankly we aren't invested in continuing if he doesn't maintain a certain level of involvement in his own care (this is honestly fairly minimal - he is mostly immobile and we have basically told him that if he is unable to get out of the bed due and take himself to the bathroom that it will be beyond our ability to take care of him in his home any longer - as he weighs over 300 pounds - that is the line in the sand.
As for how these conversations - which happen pretty regularly - end? LOL...I wish I could say they make a difference. They don't. They fall on deaf ears. As long as SIL and BIL live there, he isn't going anywhere. As long as he is getting his needs met, he does not care. He gets mad when we talk about it. But he moves on pretty quickly and its as if the conversation never even happened. Talking to him makes no difference.
I have done my best to step back as much as my own guilt with respect to my DH and my BIL/SIL will allow me to do. HE appreciates nothing we do. It is expected. It is owed. He's not my father. He has never done anything for me except contribute to the creation of the man I married and I give his mother much more credit for that lol.