Who should I make power attorney if relatives won't do it?

Thanks LynnsLight :-)

Hi Lucy: I have a similar situation; and commend you on the planning. Your agent in a power of attorney is a moving target. I have some nieces and nephews who are now able to make health care decisions for me (and have similar philosophies); and my niece/nephew relatives are good with money, and younger. I might need a "friend" at some point depending on the family dynamics. You may appoint a private fiduciary; I have considered a friend who you can pass the fiduciary examination and is bondable as an alternative (the bond is a safety net). Just make sure you don't appoint anyone struggling with finances; or anyone who just doesn't care. I have seen family members appoint a physician child, who proceeded to warehouse the parent. It was a horrible experience. Ask if you have more questions.

I don't have any family except widowed BIL whom I'm caring for, and my friends are older than me 70/80's. So realistically when my dementia progresses to the point of needing POA or the like there will be no one.
Because of this I have organised all my paperwork now, I have lodged DNR and Advanced Directive with my Dr. I've written a "This is me" based on the one I was asked to write for my BIL on his recent admittance to hospital. It lets people know about who I was before I lost my marbles, who and what was important to me then.
My will is written, plot and coffin paid for and Life Insurance in place to cover my funeral. The funeral is written out and there are Thank you cards printed for after the funeral. Plan A & B for the Wake (aware we do it differently in UK) depending on numbers attending. I hope that this way the strangers caring for me at the end of my days will have a knowledge of "Me."
I don't think that not wanting to be POA is uncaring. I'm my BIL's and frankly it is desperately hard. My BIL is relatively easy to care for most of the time, but I get distressed and anxious as to whether i've made the right choices for him.
I would not one to be in this position for anyone closer to me.
Not because I don't love them, simply I love them too much and our time together would be taken up in second guessing myself and my actions.
I spend 5-7 hrs visiting hospital now, 6 days out of 7, 9 times outof 10 I'm a "whipping boy" for my BIL. Yet still I fret about the time I'm not there.

I think I should also add that if you set up everything just right, you don't need any other names on your bank account besides your own. Putting someone else on your bank account is actually very risky because you don't know that they won't start taking advantage and stealing from you. Another risk is if you put someone else on your bank account, they may take too much money and bills or other necessary expenses may not get paid. This is why I would never ever want anyone else on my bank account, no one else has any business with their hands in my bank account. That way, my online auto bill pay can cover the bills and leave extra money for groceries and other necessities. I have multiple accounts. What I do is have all of my money route to one account, from which my bills also come out. I also have scheduled automatic transfers to another account, which is why savings. I have a very small amount route to yet another account which is my main account for anything such as groceries and other necessities that I can cover with my debit card.

If you have specific medical wishes, put those wishes in writing and give a copy to your local hospital records department and your family doctor, but keep a copy for yourself. What I personally would do is put my medical wishes with my funeral preneed papers and my will. You can get a fireproof safe for important documents. You can have your emergency numbers stored in your wallet in case something happens to you. Some of those numbers should include your doctor, hospital, lawyer, and even your funeral home. Putting myself in your position, I personally would never list any relative as an emergency contact if they didn't care enough to help me when I most needed it. In fact, I had one of those kinds of people who would gladly alienate myself from uncaring people if they don't care about me when I'm living because I just don't need the trouble. It's not that you don't love them, but there are sometimes situations in which we must sometimes love our loved ones from a distance. The very people upon whom we cannot depend are the very people we should never list as emergency contacts because it could be the most dreadful mistake we ever make, and I for one will never make that kind of mistake. I highly recommend doing as much for yourself as absolutely possible while you still can. That way, there's no need to depend on anyone unless of course you're developed dementia or Alzheimer's, and I hope you never do because there's no guarantee that a guardian won't abuse you, I've seen it happen to down syndromes and I know how nasty and hateful some guardians really are.

I previously saw a post somewhere on here where dementia and alzheimer's are really a result of deficiencies, which really seems to make perfect sense. I highly recommend taking care of your health and yourself to the point where you never even need another person over you. In your golden years, it's very vital to be of sound mind, and taking care of yourself early on to make sure you have no deficiencies is key to helping your body by giving at the building blocks it needs to maintain itself. The healthier you are in your golden years, the less likely you'll need another person over you when you're older. Having someone else over you is always very risky because you're at their mercy, and I personally am one of those kinds of people who won't put myself in such a position. These days you can't trust much of anyone due to how the world is becoming. Believe it or not, sometimes even the people we think we know very well can turn on us, and sometimes you can't even trust people you think you know and may have known for years. You never know who of all those people may turn out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. This is why I set up everything for myself to keep the bills paid automatically and it automatically take care of anything else, which is really not much. I currently enjoy a position of not even needing anyone to take care of my affairs. Now if I had to move and I was incapacitated, I would have to make sure I had in place a plan to take care of moving and any assets and valuables in my home. This is about the only thing I would have to consider. As of right now, I'm in a stable home where the bills are automatically paid each month, so I have nothing to worry about right now.

If you have everything in place and set up now, there's very little need for a POA. From what you described, your family is actually doing you a favor before anything abusive has a chance to happen because they could easily take advantage of you. Therefore, they were doing you a favor so this is a blessing in disguise. You may not see it as such right now, but at some point you should come to the point of realizing that because what they were really saying is that they are not cut out to do the task you need. What I would do as an alternative is to do as much as you can now while you still can. I'm going to give you a few pointers of some ideas on how you can set up things for yourself if they're not already set up, this does not require a POA or even a guardian. Here are some ideas:

One thing I highly recommend if you're getting federal benefits for instance, is have all of your checks go direct deposit into a bank account.

Set up automatic bill pay (from your end). You'll probably have to sign up for it through your bank. A banker can help you come up with a username and a secure password. You'll want to keep those in a safe place like your wallet.

Setting up online bill pay will include getting account numbers from everything you're paying each month such as phone and internet and even your utilities. Online automatic bill pay is easy to set up. After it's set up, you set the date on which every bill comes out and for which amount. After it set up, you're just forget it. Anytime you have a difference in the bill amount, you just go in and adjust it under your scheduled payments.

Instead of using cash, make all of your transactions from your debit card but run it as credit. If you have one of the new cards they started handing out between 2015 and 2016, they will have an added level of security where you punch in your pin number, (which I really don't like). Anyway, the new cards have a microchip in them, which is supposed to be the added level of security. I personally preferred to just swipe the card when I can so I don't have to punch in my pin number, and not punching in your pin number is more secure in my opinion because your pin number is never stored anywhere.

As in any medications you may be taking, choose a pharmacy that either mails out your medications, or have a delivery service.

If you need to make a will, you can get with your lawyer and set this up to will out any money and items you wish for selected recipients to receive on your death.

You can also make your own preneed through your local funeral home of your choice. Making your preneed and paying on it now or even liquidating assets to put toward your funeral insurance policy through the funeral homes insurance agent is a smart move. The sooner you can lock in a price and keep paying on your final wishes, the better. You really don't need a POA, they can get dirty and start taking advantage of who they're taking care of, you don't need this kind of hassle. Again, you don't need a POA when there so much you can do for yourself while you still can. You have the power to take charge and take care of everything on your own, you don't need to risk your assets and everything else by taking an unnecessary risk if you're in a position to be able to avoid it.

My long time friends with no children or near-by family chose me as the first POA, the wife's second cousin as second POA and a third friend as 3rd POA. They gave us complete authority over their finances and indicated their end of life care. I am also executor of their estate. We have been friends for over 40 years, worship together, vacation together--so we are very much in agreement on important issues. If you belong to a faith community, I would suggest you ask the pastor or an acquaintance from there for ideas. I would hope that the religious context would lead to honesty and caring decisions. As first POA, I am doing all the work and keep the other two POAs informed via emails on how things are going. I expect no payment for this or reimbursement for time and travel--they need all their money for their own care in the memory care apartment I found for them--a one bedroom apartment with small living room and kitchen that I could make look like the condo where they lived for 47 years. I got put on their bank accounts as soon as I became their POA and manage their finances and pay all their bills, work with their long-term care insurance people and try to make every dime last and work for them. Good luck. I am not sure who I would ask to be POA for my wife and me other than my son, but he lives on the west coast and I am in Minnesota. I would hope that someone else in our faith community whom I know and trust would agree to this if needed. I haven't wanted to think about it, assuming I will always have my wits about me. In the meantime, I have learned a lot about dementia and memory loss and how to cope with someone struggling with these issues. And I have been so thankful for the help and guidance I have gotten from others doing this work--that has been amazing. I keep praying for guidance to make the best decisions on my friend's behalf and so far, so good.

I am not sure why your daughter would not want to be your POA. But all families dynamics are different. My brother was my moms POA and her attorney said that was ridiculous as he was never around. So all 3 of us are POA, I handle all of her affairs and appointed her federal fiduciary.
If a family member living nearby wont do it, you can have your attorney be your POA. An elder attorney can help you as well.

Finding someone with your philosophies is imperative. If you don't then in some places physicians may look to immediate family. Not all people are comfortable making decisions. In my family two of the three siblings were okay with decision making so appointing the one has discomfort isn't helpful. The niece/nephew option is definitely a possibility for someone like me with no children of my own. The private fiduciary is bonded, in insurance policy that pays you if the fiduciary misspends your funds, giving you a safety net (make sure the person is bonded).
So, you have choices, but my first and foremost personal opinion is ensure you and the agent have similar philosophies so the agent speaks your wishes and not the agent's wishes.

As an Aging Life Care Manager (AKA Geriatric Care Manager) are often called in to evaluate and await older adults in these situations. There are times when a professional can be the best option to assure individual's directives are adhered to. There are other times when rejection by relative is reviewed and clarification of role relieves designated agent of hesitations.

You create a Power of Attorney partly to protect yourself, but mainly to make life operationally straightforward for the people you assume will take responsibility for you once you're too gaga to look after yourself. By which time you won't really know or care what the heck is going on anyway.

I do not blame your daughter for declining this responsibility, and neither should you. It can be onerous, it is bound to be miserable when it's your demented mother you're acting for, and it is usually thankless.

If you can't think of anyone you trust with the financial POA job - and that trust has to meet a very high standard indeed, so it's no reflection on your social circle - look around at financial products for long term care planning and see if they don't include provision for dementia care. That should give you enough protection in case you fall victim to dementia.

For the medical/health/welfare aspects, make any firm wishes known to your doctor - in writing, signed and witnessed, if you like. You will then have to accept that anyone treating you is bound by professional ethics. Those ethics would include taking your known wishes into account, but clinical priorities may override them. But again, to be honest, if you're long past being able to object you're most unlikely to give a d*mn.

It's a bit like with insurance. We all go through a phase of wanting to insure virtually everything we care about - the vacuum cleaner, our pets' teeth - but once you think it through... What if the worst does happen? Insurance will only help you with the cost of the aftermath, it can't actually prevent the tragedy/disaster/mild nuisance. Sometimes it's much more sensible and proportionate simply to accept the risk.

So with POA. If you haven't got one and you lose your marbles, it will just mean extra paperwork for whoever is responsible for you - and that paperwork, plus funding professional administration of it, may cost your estate dear. But your POA won't stop you getting dementia, if you're going to. So it's not like you'll be sorry you didn't do it.

I have the great good fortune to have known a fully qualified Chartered Accountant since his birth, and to know him to be a young man of unimpeachable integrity. He has very sweetly agreed to accept financial POA for me, and now "all" I have to do is get on with the forms, and ensure that I opt for the simplest possible check-and-balance type arrangement.

The health and welfare bit is trickier. I was going to appoint my medically qualified child, but already discussion is creating faint emotional ripples so I will probably abandon the whole idea and leave it to fate.

So... nothing awful will happen simply because you don't create a POA. And for heaven's sake! - DO NOT give an enduring, durable or lasting power of attorney to someone you do not know well enough to trust implicitly. Better to be without than to put this extremely powerful legal instrument into the wrong hands.

In California I have a professional fiduciary and a revocable living trust. If I become incapacitated she will be the successor trustee. She will be the POA and POA for health care. I have no family that I would want in this position.
A professional fiduciary is licensed and bonded by the state.

I have also named caregivers for my pets and myself. This can change over time, but at least there is a plan if something happens to me. They also will be able to keep an eye on things and if necessary - go to court to name a new professional fiduciary.

I would not recommend going to a bank or financial institution for this fiduciary - they are just interested in getting their percentage of your estate. And truthfully unless you are a millionaire (which I am not) they don't want to be bothered.

This is good to know. So many of us don't HAVE a big honkin' jolly family like the Waltons. So many of us have offspring we're not in contact with, who are druggies, have their own challenges in life, or simply airheads we wouldn't trust with a dog. So many of us are putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, if we do have one halfway interested dependable niece somewhere... it's good to know there are alternatives if you don't have several loving children all gathered 'round your deathbed holding hands and weeping...As for 'contacting the attorney who drew up your will', that was 30 years ago and he was 60 years old then! I don't even remember the name of the law firm, which is no longer in business AFAIK. What now, do I get a new lawyer for a living will and DNR?

Always ask, you never know what someone's answer will be. There are businesses that act specifically as POA's for people who do not have friends or relatives who want that responsibility. Attorneys and banks will do this for a fee.

Is it medical financial or both she does not want to handle?

Is there any legal requirement for anyone to have a POA or a DPOA? IMCO as a kibitzer using someone s a POA is a matter of choice and convenience. If it becomes necessary to have an attorney in fact a court will appoint one {correct me if I am wrong}

You will need a back up person for a POA too. In Florida the financial and the medical POAs are separate documents.

We are facing the world sort of alone. No local family or relatives to act as POA's or our executors. We have a trusted lawyer who is also a elder affairs arrourney. Be forwarned, talk with the lawyer before choosing ask a lot of questions and ask more, put "it" in writing. Discuss fees and expenses etc. My sister appointed a family friend lawyer as executor and now we are discovering this lawyers practices. He has a partner handing her probate. She bills the estate $90.00 on very email.

Our lawyer, in contrast, corresponds with us using email. We have the options of packaged/bundled service or ala-cart service. being a POA is acting on a live persons behalf and at their direction. Be sure you have the POA in writng and detailed concerning what the person can do,

Do you have a friend? Sibling? Do any sibling's have children? ...who could handle the responsibility?

Has your daughter told you exactly why she doesn't want. to be your POA? Is she a minor?

Your lawyer can do it -- I suggest the lawyer (aka attorney) who drew up your will.

An attorney can be your POA and representative. If you don't have one, meet with one and document your wishes and they will act on your behalf.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Do you have a niece or nephew or grandchild you can entrust with this privilege. If not you can contact your Agency on Aging. They will get you in touch with a professional. In the meantime I suggest you put all of you wishes clearly in a living will. Not just DNR desires but be very specific on any procedures that you might not want done medically. Good luck

I'm kinda in the same boat. Although I am married my hubby has two different heart conditions...My son is severely disabled and I wouldn't trust my stepdaughter to pick out a pair of shoes for me - let alone make a medical or financial decision on my behalf. Maybe she'll have matured some by the time my golden years roll around but I'm not holding my breath!

Try a Geriatric Care Manager. Call the Area Agency on Aging they may have some other ideas.