Who should I notify if I am no longer willing to help my ex-MIL?

I spoke with Helen (ex-MIL) last night and told her I couldn't continue to do so much for her. She understood. She had gotten brochures on a senior community that several of her former school teacher friends had moved to. I am taking her this afternoon to visit and have called a realtor to put her house on the market. I agreed to continue being her POA. I understand why she doesn't want her children involved with her finances.

The apartment has shopping services, transportation, etc. So I'm off the hook on the tedious stuff.

Yes, I’m sure she’d be happier in a retirement community. She’d have friends, food and activities. Right now it seems that her life is very restricted, and you’re well meaning but enabling her.

Resign your POAs and give her information about some places where she might like to live. Let her family help her to go forward.

Sometimes these sweet little old ladies can suck the life out of the people they expect to help them. And she’s not even sweet, so why deal with her? Please extricate yourself before it gets worse.

KC
As others have pointed out, you aren’t responsible for your exMIL. However, the guy who would take care of an exMIL is not one who will feel comfortable not knowing that he has at least tried to make others aware that she may be vulnerable.

There is a area agency on aging in every county in the US.

Below is a Vermont help line.

Give this number to your exMIL and tell her she needs to contact them for for any services she is eligible for. You might also contact them and make sure they have her in their data base.


Senior HelpLine - (800-642-5119) - The Senior HelpLine is an information and assistance resource for people age 60 and older. Staffed by knowledgeable professionals at Vermont's Area Agencies on Aging, the Senior HelpLine can answer questions and help identify resources to assist people to age successfully.

I would also make a list of everything you do for MIL and give her a copy of it. It might help her realize what she needs to ask for when she speaks with her children or any agency.

You have been wonderful to help her but really she needs to manage this herself. It gives seniors a false sense of independence when someone is taking care of all the things you have been doing.

I would also let your adult kids (her grands?) know that they need to tell their mother and her family that GM might need help. If she doesn’t have a Relationship with her children, this might help.

You can also call Adult Protective Services or the police and ask that they do a wellness check if you are concerned she won’t have food or other necessary items.

KC- You are such a gem. You have a kind heart and soul. Please spend your time and energy helping needy people who appreciate your effort. You don't have to punish yourself helping an unpleasant person.

This lady is your ex-MIL, so why are you helping her? When the marriage ended the support you gave her should have ended also, not unless your children are her grandchildren and you are helping her out because of the goodness of your heart. Your ex-MIL has 8 children, so why are you her helper instead of her children? Your ex-MIL’s children are taking advantage of your kindness and generosity and it’s clear that they want nothing to do with her perhaps because of her unpleasantness. It is time for you tell your ex-MIL that you will no longer be helping her, and it is time for you to move on and enjoy your life.

Tell your ex-MIL.

Maybe you are a kind soul who saw need, so stepped in to help? Maybe you did a small job & it became a pattern, then mushroomed onto more. Maybe you enjoy ex-MIL's company? Maybe ex-MIL has taken advantage of your free labour & so never found an alternative Mr Fixit.

Why would she when you are right there?

The responsibility for ex-MIL's lawns, groceries & maintenance lays with HER.

Unwind your arrangement.
- Tell ex-MIL you are winding back the chores you do. Be honest - You have other growing commitments.
- Offer to help find a phone number for a local home service to help her.
- Give 2 weeks notice.

You can still be part of her life in a social way. Pop in from time to time for a cuppa if that's what you DO want to do.

I feel that the honerable thing to do. Tell her plain. Don't just stop turning up. Also don't waste time trying on wishing her kids/grands would step up. They have nothing to do with you. That is up to them entirely.

Certainly don't wait for ex-MIL to change your arrangement. It has to come from you.

Good luck.

From your profile: "I am caring for Helen, who is 84 years old, living at home with anxiety, arthritis, mobility problems, and osteoporosis."

84 isn't exactly "late 80's." Regardless, this never should have been your circus and your monkey.

Her kids "shut down" when you try to discuss? Then don't discuss -- tell them. And since I don't see dementia listed in your description above, tell her, too.

If she's someone who does not have memory or cognitive impairment, then I would let her know (in writing) that you are resigning from these tasks as of XX date. You could be a dear and get phone numbers of other handymen or services for her to call.

I would then inform her children in writing that you are retiring and that you've left her with people to call. You don't need to wait for any response or reaction from them. Emailing would be best if you give your final date. Make sure they know to NOT contact you for any reason regarding her care.

After that, let each bordering neighbor know that they may need to call APS if things start looking bad again and to not "prop her up by helping". Maybe even inform the police that she is an elderr who lives alone. Some small towns are good about this.

Kudos to you for being such a wonderful ex! Hopefully one day she'll appreciate all you've one for her.

My POA is immediate. We visited the apartment community and completed all the paperwork. It's nice. She saw 3 or 4 teachers she had worked with and knows fairly well. She will be able to move in about two weeks from now. She's at home busy making lists of what needs to go to her new place, donated etc.

I called my ex and told her the new address. Told her she could let her brothers and sisters know where she was moving. They will only be interested in her money and the proceeds from selling her house.

Now on to deal with my own mother and her problem. She wants a divorce. Glad she has come to her senses.

I'm taking the weekend off and going skiing with two of my sons.

I'm glad to see you didn't just dump her.

You've been doing these things because you're kind. I'm glad you didn't stop.