Five months ago my ex spouse was diagnosed with lung cancer. He sold his home and had no place to go, so I took him in. Over the last 14 years we have maintained a friendship and his family and my son sort of expected me to do this. It has now come to the point where my own health has been affected. I have extreme anxiety. I wake up shaking every morning. I’ve moved my work into my home because of this full-time job. He had a mild stroke two weeks ago in the hospital. Once again, released him to me. This is more than I can handle. I reached out to his family tell them I need help. I’m going to be checking out an assisted living place, but it’s so much money. He has no funds, so I was going to pay for it because I just need to save myself now.
I just want to know if anybody has any ideas on how to let go of the guilt anxiety and fear?
Thank you for listening
Why not tell your SON to take his father in if he feels it's still 'your' responsibility to do so; what about HIS responsibility in this case? It's HIS father, not your husband anymore! Furthermore, I find it rich that your ex's family 'sort of expects' you to jump in and care for this man you DIVORCED. I think YOU should fully expect THEM to jump in and care for this man who IS their family member currently & forever, since divorce is NOT an option in their case! Put it back on them, is what you should be doing, rather than burning out and waking up every morning shaking~!
And, last but definitely not least, you SHOULD NOT BE PAYING FOR ASSISTED LIVING FOR THIS MAN. Under NO circumstances! That will leave YOU high and dry for your OWN old age and/or infirmity! What will you do if YOU wind up in HIS situation?? Who will pay for YOUR Assisted Living, should you need it? Have your son or your ex's family members apply for Medicaid on his behalf to have him placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility; THAT is the right answer here. Not for you to go broke in a noble effort that is above and beyond what is or should be 'expected' of an ex wife.
Then sit your son down for a nice heart-to-heart talk about what divorce actually means, and what his role is to you as his mother. He can step up and do whatever he likes for his father, w/o putting YOU on the spot to keep caring for a man you divorced long ago. He needs a wake up call FAST. Neither one of my kids EVER asked me to do one single thing for their father when he was diagnosed with cancer. And, by the same token, they haven't asked HIM (who's cured now) to do one single thing for ME now that my husband is in need of a liver transplant & has had cancer and all manner of other health issues since 2019. We have separate lives now, which is as it should be.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with YOUR life and getting your ex out of your home and into one of his own.
Does anyone have POA. If not maybe your son can be assigned.
Take DH to his Doctor and ask if he is considered 24/7 care. If so, DH maybe able to be placed in a NH with Medicaid offsetting the cost. Exs Social Security and if any pension will go toward his care. Once in the home all his needs will be taken care of. You can then walk away and block the facility
DO NOT spend your own money. Make it clear to your son that you cannot care for his Dad and neither should you have to. He is no longer your husband. Any responsibility you had towards him stopped when those divorce papers were signed. Your son needs to find options. You have no legal rights and I shouldn't take them on.
I remarried so taking on the care of my Ex would never have happened anyway. I doubt if I wasn't married if I would have taken on his care. He was a taker not a giver when we were married. Doubt if he changed. The man died in his home sitting in his chair with beer cans around him. Died of CHF at 69.
Or maybe he needs hospice care at this point? Has he been assessed?
If in the meantime he goes back to the ER or hospital be sure to let the staff know he is an "unsafe discharge" and then DO NOT GO GET HIM. The problem with this strategy is that your home may be his legal residence if any of his mail has been delivered there with his name on it, so his family could conceivably bring him back to you if he contacts them for a ride home.
Honestly, if I came to a dead end with this situation I'd pack his bags and drop him off at his relative's home and then change your locks and block all their contact. Tell them YOU are now sick and are no longer willing or able to care for him. Why would they "assume" you into this position? No one is making you do it against your will -- you are volunteering for it. Do not feel guilty since you've done nothing wrong and ending the *temporary* caregiving is his problem, not yours. You aren't responsible for his happiness. He had his whole life to plan responsibly and apparently didn't. That's on him. He's the one who should feel guilty burdening you without a thought.
your words were spot on
thanks
It isn't guilt you feel; you are not an evil doer, a felon, a person taking joy in the pain of others. Guilt belongs to the felons who never feel it at all.
You are experiencing another G-word called grief. Grief that you cannot make things all right, that you haven't the power to fix this, make it better. That you are human with limitations and that your ex is suffering in ways you cannot prevent.
I am so sorry. Anxiety and fear is a part of this. You cannot run from it as it will keep coming for you. Allow yourself to feel it.
So sorry for all you are both going through. We on Forum see the word "guilt" so often. As though you designed all this, as tho you take joy in its pain; simply isn't the case. You are suffering for another. You aren't a Saint and not everything can be fixed. Were you a Saint we would likely fill you with arrows, then pray to you forever to make everything better for US.
You have told him,, his family, how sad you are for them; all of you are hurting. I surely wish you the best and I believe you are making the right, the only decision for yourself.
You divorced this man for a reason, don't let anyone, including your son guilt you into taking care of or supporting a grown man.
He has other options but, nobody will ever think about them as long as you are being the solution.
It is okay to say this isn't working and you need to find a different living and caregiving arraignment for yourself to your ex.
If any family member tries to lay a guilt trip, ask them what time you can drop him off at their house for them to take over since they are so concerned for his well-being.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to stop being a doormat for this situation.
Not sure if you can drop him off at the Hospital and leave him. My daughter says where she has worked that Hospitals are not under the same rules as Rehab/NHs which is they cannot do an "unsafe discharge". Meaning if a person is deemed 24/7 they cannot discharge them home without 24/7 care. You Ex cannot afford this care and you cannot provide it.
Again, DO NOT pay for his care. Tell your dear son that circumstances have changed with this stroke and you will not care for his Dad so he needs to find an alternative. Tell him your health is now being effected. That Dad is not your responsibility because..YOU ARE DIVORCED.
Guilt is self-imposed. Why should you feel guilt for a man you divorced for a reason that has a son and family. Its not like he has no one. The anxiety I can see. You are doing something you don't want to do. Fear, is that because you think u will end up doing the caring?
Your son should feel guilty for putting this responsibility on you.
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