I'll try to make this as short as possible. MIL and FIL are 87 and 89. FIL has had two hospitalizations, one surgery and now a second stint in rehab. FIL became very weak and unable to do much without help after first hospitalization, despite ongoing home health rehab (twice a week). Since then, FIL has had appendix removed and is weaker than before. MIL and FIL have been staying in a SNF for the last 10 days after hospital release. It's a lovely place (as lovely as an SNF can be) and he is receiving great rehab and care.
Additionally, Dad has become basically incontinent because of his inability to get up quickly enough to reach the bathroom. Also, he refuses to wear Depends when he is at home. Mom bears the brunt of care when they are home and complains, complains, complains about how hard it is and how much it bothers her that Dad "wets himself" (the sheets, the clothes, the furniture, etc.)
Here's the sticker---Mom and Dad want to go home from Rehab. They believe that Dad is getting around well enough (can't get out of bed or a chair w/o help). The SNL says they can't keep them if they want to go home.
My husband and his brother (who lives 800 miles away) are letting Mom and Dad make the decisions!! They aren't weak men, they just feel they need to honor what Mom and Dad want despite the fact that it's a HORRIBLE idea. It's like letting a 3 year old decide that playing in traffic is a good idea because it's what they want. They have offered that maybe they could have in-home care, 24/7. Mom and Dad live in a one bedroom, 585 sq.ft apartment! They keep having discussions with Mom and Dad about Assisted Living, but Mom keeps pushing back about not wanting to move, yada, yada.
Please help me understand why the sons are letting Mom and Dad make any decisions regarding their care at this point? Why does Mom want to go home when she knows that it'll be harder than it was 3 weeks ago before this all began?
I get that we want to respect the individual's right to make decisions, but at some point I feel like these men need to put their foot down. I am deeply involved in their the In-Laws care (doctor's appointments, pill dispenser, toting them here and there), so this affects me too. Every time the phone rings I'm sure it's Mom saying that Dad needs to go to the ER or the doctor because of ---fill in the blank---. It's exhausting and we need help! Assisted Living would give us the help we need, but Mom and Dad are still calling the shots.
As long as you continue to provide care, your dh and bil are off the hook.
It maybe worth while to have a chat with your mil alone and ask her how she will manage her dh's incontinence by herself? How will she get to appointments? Be clear that you love her and can continue to help if they are in a care facility and most their needs are being met by staff. If they move home you will not be able to continue as before and they will have to sort out help with their sons.
I would suggested that you have the pharmacist do blister packs for both their medications. It make it much easy for everyone and generally is not expensive. We did this for my late step fil. Prior to the blister packs, he would put a day's worth of pills in his shirt pocket. When he would bend over to put on his shoes, they would fall out, but he would not notice.