Why are they entitled to stay home, no matter what?
I'm always so scared to post on here, afraid to be told off because I'm still struggling with the same things, with zero change.
But this is Canada. We are back on a waiting list for a geriatric assessment. I think this is the fourth time, but it may even be the fifth.
We finally got a social worker who is supposed to do family mediation, but will only deal with certain issues.
Why isn't there someone who can come in and really help us??? She has seriously unreasonable expectations of me, and I have checked out of the entire situation, really. I mostly avoid her completely.
Suddenly my brother is complaining that I *got* the house. Do you want it??? Come take it, give me back my money, and I am ******* out of here!!! But of course, he doesn't want that, he just wants more money.
Mom was just in the hospital for 6 days. It was wonderful. She's been home 3 days and keeps trying to push my buttons, like she really wants a fight. I'm not responding. It's so stressful.
I really want a life where I'm not waiting for people (or pets) to die just so I can have peace!
I get these emails, from this site, that say "Staying home is more important than ever." Why? And at what cost to the family?
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It is very unlikely that either document would commit you to providing ‘full service’, like meals served on trays while she watches TV. So just stop. Do what you think is justified, and block your ears to complaints. I always recommend trade-quality ear plugs, they help a lot – and say a lot about what you are willing to hear.
It is very possible that the best way out of this is to leave. She stays in the house, you visit to check its condition to protect your asset. If the condition gets bad (or in fact her condition gets bad) she may go higher up the list for care very quickly. At present she seems to have no condition requiring high priority, but that can change. This is not dependent on an assessment of your mother. It’s up to you.
Where would you go? Anywhere – including getting a job as a live-in carer to someone better behaved than mother. At present mother thinks that she calls all the shots because of what you signed. When she finds that this is not the case, it’s possible that her behavior may change a lot.
Yes you made an agreement, but it has turned very bad on you. You didn’t sign up for this! Slavery is not legal in Canada, you are not stuck with it. Get the document you signed, then go to a lawyer.
"Full service" that's funny. I'd throw a loaf of bread and a water bottle at this person and walk away. The two words in my mouth would be 'SUE ME!'. That's what I'm doing here. I left after my mother's tirade a couple days ago that crushed me to tears and haven't been back since. She's called a couple dozen times and left messages, but I really don't care. I might stop in there today, I might not. My sibling can go and check on her and my stuff.
The towels and sheets are amazing too.
You are cash poor but house rich. Is there a reason why you can't pull some cash out of the house and use that money to hire someone to help you help your mother?
After all, she did give you 400K. Why not pull 100K-200K out to pay for help. You are sitting on a house that presumably should go up in value in the long run. Sure, your brother got the 400K in cash, but from the sound of it, he might just squander all his inheritance.
Your mom.gave you the house with the understanding that she could stay as long as possible. It may not be the best arrangement, but that was what you agreed to, so make the best of it. Let's honor your agreement and keep her in her home as long as possible.
You're getting the emails about staying home being more important than ever because the people sending you these emails is trying to promote homecare. Ignore them.
You ask yourself, 'at what cost to the family?'. Well, that would be up to you to decide what the cost to the family will be because you're the one saddled with the miserable burden of being the sole caregiver.
How high a price are you willing to pay?
You can walk away and force the state to step in and take over your mother's care.
If you "got" the house like your brother claims you did, then it's your right to do what you want with it. You do not have to live in caregiver slavery because of a house. I don't know what your rules look like in Canada but here it's different. We have a Medicaid look-back period of five years so someone entering a care facility can't just sign over assets like houses and cars or there's a penalty that has to get paid back.
If you put money into that house, you most certainly should recap that, then walk away. It's not worth it for you to stay.
Your mother is definitely looking for a fight. Ignore her. I know it's hard but do it. Then make arrangements to leave. Let your brother take over, but you go.
As for the button-pushing tell her straight today that she either cuts the crap or you will go to a motel and she will be left to fend for herself.
No one has to tolerate or live in abuse. That includes you. Good luck.
Why would anyone "Tell you off" when you're clearly suffering enough already? I'm sorry you are in such an awful position.
I wonder if the propaganda about "Staying home is more important than ever." isn't because in home help is more expensive than managed care? More commissions to be had from such care, etc. And continued propaganda about "deadly viruses" and all the groupthink being pushed about hiding out at home to "stay safe"? I don't know, but I'd ignore it, personally.
I truly hope you can get mom placed SOON, take your life back, and breathe again my friend. It's too much to be going thru all this, and also be thwarted by a medical system that doesn't work properly. Here we complain if we have to wait a month for a routine, non urgent appointment to be scheduled simply because we're impatient. If we have an urgent need, we'll be seen right away, at least with my health insurance.
There are no commissions to incentivize home care.
There are programs in each province to encourage living at home as long as feasible. The program in BC is called Better at Home and Dad has benefited from it too.
Cinder needs to ask why her Mum is being put back on the bottom of the wait list when an appointment is canceled, that is not how things are usually handled, unless the family is doing the canceling.
In the USA, it has to be an actual diagnosis and doctors orders before it can be enforced.
Have you called your mom out for putting dirty diapers in the kitchen? Frankly, I would nut out on anyone that pulled that crap. She would be scared to pull that stunt again.
Be sure and take photos and document her behavior. This isn't just meanness, this is mental illness or dementia. Nobody in their right mind does this crap.
Prayers that you can find a way for this to change, whatever that looks like.
I agree with you. However, it is possible that the dirty diapers in the kitchen and the button-pushing to instigate a fight could be plain, old spite and not dementia or mental illness.
My mother is a very spiteful, petty, mean, and jealous person. This is her nature.
Awhile back I told the story of how I was leaving for my friend's wedding. I was loading my luggage into the car and my mother starts with the chest pains and the could I just take her to the ER. She was determined that I was going to miss this wedding or at the very least she was going to ruin it for me. This is her M.O. and has been my entire life. This is why I did not have her at my second wedding. It was expensive and my in-laws paid for it. I wasn't going to risk her ruining it like she ruined the first one.
She tried for days to push my buttons and instigate because she wanted a great, big blow-out fight. She didn't get one, so resorted to the classic faking a heart attack move. The wedding was absolutely gorgeous and I had a wonderful time. No actual heart attacks either.
My point is my mother did not have dementia and it wasn't a case of mental illness either. It was plain, old spite. She was jealous that she wasn't invited so she was pulling out all the stops to make sure her scapegoat couldn't or it would at least be ruined.
The OP's mother could very well just be spiting her and the way to put down this kind of behavior is to ignore them. Deny them any attention at all.
Care issue is my 'thing'.
And setting reasonable boundaries.
I am stuck at this;
"Dirty diapers in the kitchen sink, now she will leave them in the laundry room which is the only passageway to her side of the house from mine".
So I am getting a clearer picture. Mom is not able to self-care. Whether she has or doesn't have hoarder mental illness, some sort of cognitive decline or due to physical mobility problems just can't access the bins to dispose of incontinence items - the result is the same. She cannot self-care adequately & hygieically. This awful grey area is what many families are stuck in.
Protective services can visit. The bar is set low for being deemed capable. People are legally allowed to choose to live in a dirty way & choose to refuse home help services.
The 'Right to Rot' a Doctor told me.
If living alone, it can escalate from untidy, unsanitory to vermin. Falls are common. Then the Fire Dept get called & eventually cart the person out.
Another adult living there complicates matters. Especially if they are cleaning up (as any normal human would).
I need to think here.
Join me for a cuppa while we think-tank.. ☕
That's true about people having the 'Right to Rot' but when it's a multiple dwelling house the people on the other side, or upstairs/downstairs will get sick from the filth and dirty diapers being left around. They will also get the pests and vermin in their place even if they are clean in their home. There surely has to be some kind of tenant or property co-owner rights. Maybe the OP can force her mother to sell and buy out her ownership in the property so she can get away from her.
We read regularly about very unpleasant elders who enjoy making things difficult for their carer, insane though it seems - ie “just mean”. And then there are others with increasing dementia or mental illness. If OP didn’t expect this when she made the arrangements, it could be either.
The dirty diapers in the kitchen could be an indicator, either way, if there is a suitable container for them, easily accessible by mother, and she is choosing to leave them around. The same for the ‘lies’ about the garbage that “OP puts outside *her* entrance”.
If mother is in fact ‘just mean’, OP is ‘justified’ in getting out and putting herself first. If it’s dementia or mental illness, perhaps OP isn’t “justified” in the same way. But if OP has lost all tolerance for the behaviors, why should she be forced to cope? I wouldn’t tolerate it, myself.
Perhaps the best option for OP remains to move out. As we often say, sometimes things have to get worse before there is a solution. The ‘right to rot’ for mother, versus slavery for daughter. Either way, sympathy is definitely needed.
What if you just could not care for Mom, what would happen?
Say Covid wrecked your brain, or both your arms stopped working, aliens abducted you, you won a round the world cruise trip, leaving next week..
Say you broke your ankle. What would you do?