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My husband has onset dementia and is becoming increasingly angry. Blaming me for his unhappiness and anger. He’s 76 years old had has a significant hearing loss. What do you recommend to cope with such a thing?
Unless there is a mistake here, your mother is 52 (as per your profile) and your husband is 76. Your own age isn’t given.
*Even if it’s you who are 52, you are a lot younger than your husband. What expectations did both of you about how the marriage and caregiving would work out? Is your husband angry because it hasn’t lived up to expectations, as well as his own health issues? Where are your husband’s family (including his parents and children) in all this?
*Mother is ‘living at home’ with anxiety and depression. Where is ‘home’ and what care needs does she actually have? At 52, what are her plans for her own future care? What other family members (on both sides) are involved with her?
My feeling (which of course may be way off beam) is that you need a counselor and a lawyer for yourself, to plan your own future. I’m actually hoping that you are a troll making this all up.
It’s not paranoia. It’s dementia caused by one of the progressive neurodegenerative diseases. My suggestion is to learn about dementia and it’s causes. Two excellent books are the 36 Hour Day and Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s. Both are written for the caregiver and describe dementia behaviors and how to respond to them. There are also many YouTube videos about dementia, just search for “dementia”.
I recommend you have Memory Care ALs lined up as a back up so if your husband *DH* becomes violent, or makes your life unbearable, you can place him where others can care for him instead of you.
And, in the meanwhile, I recommend that you read up about dementia and learn all you can.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's” · Do not reason and argue · Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve · Do not demand that they remember · Do not demand that they get their facts straight · Do not correct their ideas or scold them · Do not reorient them · Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose · Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to · Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care · Do not act with impatience
The Do's · Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world' · Be aware of their mood or state of mind · Use few words and simple phrases · OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions · Do everything slowly · Approach from the front · Wait for a slow response · Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK' · Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment · Maximize use of remaining abilities · Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real · Maintain privacy · Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs · Use short words · Use clear and simple sentences · Speak slowly and calmly · Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer · Talk about one thing at a time · Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas · Use common phrases · Always say what you are doing · If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information · Wait patiently for a response · Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words · Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs · Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive · Reassure with your tone and manner · Do one thing at a time · Talk through the care “play-by- play” · Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance · Be sincere · Use a soft, soothing touch · Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers · Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them · They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression” · If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away You need to change your behavior to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
You can also watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn how best to interact with a dementia patient, how to help her shower when she refuses to, etc.
His hearing loss should be addressed if you haven't already. Hearing loss contributes to dementia. He needs the best hearing aids you can afford, fitted by an expert in the field. He needs to wear them all the time. Hearing aids today are wonderful, lightweight, invisible and can be controlled from a smartphone. That means that you, the caregiver, can adjust them for him when he's not hearing and hasn't realized that the batteries are low or dead. The phone will alert when the batteries are almost out of juice, and you can even get hearing aids that recharge overnight and don't require battery replacement. Better hearing can result in a better mood. You can't do much to get rid of the dementia, but you CAN improve his hearing, and that will make it easier for you.
Your short description you wrote doesn't seem like paranoia, but if and when it comes to that, it often is caused by the dementia. Instead it sounds like your husband is well aware of what is going on with his mental decline and he's very angry/sad about it. Who wouldn't be? I know I would be too. And unfortunately we often tend to take out our frustrations on those we love the most, so it shouldn't really surprise you that he's taking it out on you. It doesn't make it right, but it's going to call for lots of extra patience on your part. Perhaps try putting yourself in his shoes. How would you feel knowing that your losing your mental abilities? If he gets hateful, just walk out of the room or leave the house and tell him you won't be back until he can talk to you better. Hopefully he will get the message sooner than later. Dementia is HORRIBLE and robs the person of so much. And as his wife it will be very hard on you as well, so it's time now to educate yourself as much as possible about the disease, so you will be better equipped for what lies ahead. Knowledge is key when it comes to understanding about dementia. I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins along with the multitude of YouTube video's by Teepa Snow a renowned dementia expert. She also has several great books about it as well. And if possible find a local caregiver support group that you can either meet with in person or on Zoom. They will be a godsend for sure. My support group literally saved my life when I was at my wits end while caring for my late husband who had vascular dementia. And of course the most important thing is to take care of yourself while on this journey as depending on what type of dementia your husband has been diagnosed with it can last for 5-20 years. So make sure that you're getting out with friends and doing the things that you enjoy as that will help you continue on. Because 40% of the caregivers that are caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from the stress of it, so please please please take good care of yourself. God bless you.
some elderly people love targeting all their misery/anger/frustration at one person -- usually at the person who's helping them the most, and usually against a woman.
you are 1 of millions of victims. it'll get worse and worse.
----maybe there will be periods when he'll be nicer. but he'll keep using you as a target. once a target, always a target.
there is nothing you can do to stop him. abusive people (dementia or not; doesn't matter) will never stop. it feels too good to abuse someone else. it's too much fun to let it all out on 1 person.
meanwhile, he feels better for some minutes, after having dumped the garbage on you.
i wrote somewhere that until now, i took "emotional vampire" as a metaphorical expression. now i'm not sure it's a metaphor. i think abusive people, literally, do suck out your energy. it'll take you some hours/days to recover. meanwhile, they are full of energy, "happy" because you're unhappy.
whatever goals you had for the day, probably get derailed by the abuse as you try to recover from the hurt/garbage.
----- understanding how the abusive mechanism works, helps. but it doesn't solve the problem. he'll keep (unjustly) blaming you, you'll keep getting hurt.
don't believe what he says. ----- there aren't that many options/solutions. he won't stop. you either: 1. continue caring for him. and he'll continue abusing you. 2. you reach the point one day, where it's too much abuse, and you don't want to live with him.
Mistysurf, one suggestion would be to have hubby checked for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of behavior problems, such as anger. Hubby's primary doctor or even Urgent care can run the simple test.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*Even if it’s you who are 52, you are a lot younger than your husband. What expectations did both of you about how the marriage and caregiving would work out? Is your husband angry because it hasn’t lived up to expectations, as well as his own health issues? Where are your husband’s family (including his parents and children) in all this?
*Mother is ‘living at home’ with anxiety and depression. Where is ‘home’ and what care needs does she actually have? At 52, what are her plans for her own future care? What other family members (on both sides) are involved with her?
My feeling (which of course may be way off beam) is that you need a counselor and a lawyer for yourself, to plan your own future. I’m actually hoping that you are a troll making this all up.
And, in the meanwhile, I recommend that you read up about dementia and learn all you can.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behavior to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
You can also watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn how best to interact with a dementia patient, how to help her shower when she refuses to, etc.
Best of luck!
Instead it sounds like your husband is well aware of what is going on with his mental decline and he's very angry/sad about it. Who wouldn't be? I know I would be too. And unfortunately we often tend to take out our frustrations on those we love the most, so it shouldn't really surprise you that he's taking it out on you.
It doesn't make it right, but it's going to call for lots of extra patience on your part. Perhaps try putting yourself in his shoes. How would you feel knowing that your losing your mental abilities?
If he gets hateful, just walk out of the room or leave the house and tell him you won't be back until he can talk to you better. Hopefully he will get the message sooner than later.
Dementia is HORRIBLE and robs the person of so much. And as his wife it will be very hard on you as well, so it's time now to educate yourself as much as possible about the disease, so you will be better equipped for what lies ahead. Knowledge is key when it comes to understanding about dementia.
I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins along with the multitude of YouTube video's by Teepa Snow a renowned dementia expert. She also has several great books about it as well.
And if possible find a local caregiver support group that you can either meet with in person or on Zoom. They will be a godsend for sure. My support group literally saved my life when I was at my wits end while caring for my late husband who had vascular dementia.
And of course the most important thing is to take care of yourself while on this journey as depending on what type of dementia your husband has been diagnosed with it can last for 5-20 years. So make sure that you're getting out with friends and doing the things that you enjoy as that will help you continue on. Because 40% of the caregivers that are caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from the stress of it, so please please please take good care of yourself.
God bless you.
you are 1 of millions of victims.
it'll get worse and worse.
----maybe there will be periods when he'll be nicer. but he'll keep using you as a target. once a target, always a target.
there is nothing you can do to stop him. abusive people (dementia or not; doesn't matter) will never stop. it feels too good to abuse someone else. it's too much fun to let it all out on 1 person.
meanwhile, he feels better for some minutes, after having dumped the garbage on you.
i wrote somewhere that until now, i took "emotional vampire" as a metaphorical expression. now i'm not sure it's a metaphor. i think abusive people, literally, do suck out your energy. it'll take you some hours/days to recover. meanwhile, they are full of energy, "happy" because you're unhappy.
whatever goals you had for the day, probably get derailed by the abuse as you try to recover from the hurt/garbage.
-----
understanding how the abusive mechanism works, helps. but it doesn't solve the problem. he'll keep (unjustly) blaming you, you'll keep getting hurt.
don't believe what he says.
-----
there aren't that many options/solutions. he won't stop. you either:
1. continue caring for him. and he'll continue abusing you.
2. you reach the point one day, where it's too much abuse, and you don't want to live with him.