I just saw a TV show called Virgin River where a 30-year-old nurse who lost her husband left LA to go to the mountains of California and start over.
I want to do something like that every day.
My daughter died. The next day, my wife, insisting she had been murdered (no - accidental death - no idea where that came from), started screaming at me. I run terrible funerals, and had been terrible father, obviously. 4 weeks later, we were hit by a hurricane/flood, we were living in a Federal Disaster Area, and I spent the next two years trying to rebuild the property (my wife refused to help).
Then my wife abruptly left 3 years later, leaving me with our living kids, who found out from their aunt that she was never coming back. She cut them off for the most part, and never visited the kids.
While trying to juggle this, my sister went off her medicine, became psychotic, caused property damage, and my other sister took care of her after she got out of the psych hospital after a few weeks, finally placing her in a group home after 3 months that I found.
At which point my father was diagnosed with cancer; I did everything I could to save him, even using a contact from college who could get him into the best cancer hospital in the country in one day (they sent him right back - it was too late). I went to doctor's appointments, tried to get him to take his medicine, which the radiation treatment prevented him from swallowing, and tried to get him to allow a nurse to give him a daily IV which he refused, until he collapsed.
At which point, I took over the finances, because my mother's Alzheimer's had progressed. It took me 21 months to go through it all, and during that time, my withered and died painfully.
My well sister has been also strung out, as we try to keep my mother in her home (she lives 2 hours away, and we have aides helping 8-12 hours a day).
I've been told that most families have some odd goings-on that they don't talk about, and family members with problems that are never discussed (my brother lives in the mountains 2,000 miles away, comes home and blows his stack, often immediately, and then returns to the mountains - he hasn't helped, nor has he worked since he served 4 years in prison in a foreign country 10 years ago). I also have a son with a severe learning disability, although he just graduated from college - I had to drag him through and rescue.
I'd like to rebuild my life, but this family gets in my way (my mother is nice, but I'd really not like to be setting up trusts for my sister and dealing with estates and going through thousands of pieces of paper, arguing with banks, lawyers and mental health professionals, among other things).
I've never had time to grieve my daughter or my father. Someone told me that I have instead had to be caretaker and taskmaster for the last 8 years (ever try to reason with a psychotic?).
Does this sound normal - if you're reading this, you're a caretaker - or is my family in the weird 1%?
My mother is an unusual case. She is in perfect health physically. Plays golf and tennis, walks fast and for miles (the aides complain that they can't keep up with her, because they're in lousy shape). Last winter, we went on a 3-hour hike in the winter in the mountains, and she had no trouble keeping up. Her blood pressure is low, and her cholesterol and other vitals are good to spectacular. I reviewed them with my doctor, and he said to plan on ten years. Assisted Living and LTC facilities wouldn't provide any life for her. They aren't going to get her to tennis, golf, for walks in the country, etc. They are used to people for whom a walk around the block is a major undertaking. She needs only help for memory issues. And memory care would be like jailing her. That's the conundrum - I like my mother. Moving her into memory care would kill her. Best guess is that she would become combative in there, and they would drug her.
I haven't spoken to my brother in over a year, and avoid contact with him. Thank God for caller ID.
I've had trouble finding time for work; I used to earn over $100K. I did only one project this year, and it paid $75K. I could do 3-4 of those, and would earn $125K to $250K depending on the size of the projects. I need to save money for retirement, as I was cleaned out in the divorce (I got the kids - she got the money - long story). My business has been ruined because of this, and I can't simply turn it on and off like a faucet. To get back to my formal level, I need to work at it full-time so people know who I am, and it could take years to get re-known. And I'm 60, so I can't do this forever. I'm in good health, fortunately, with no health problems other than PTSD and caregiver burnout.
I like my mother, but this is killing me financially, and I have hated doing the detail work that my father's estate required. I'm an outside guy, not an accountant or a lawyer, but I'm the only one in the family who can do stuff like this.
Then there's the dealing with the dysfunctional siblings ...
Your ex-wife is out of the picture. Hooray! I hope you are now divorced, so that she doesn’t come back into the picture.
The deaths are now over. You do need time to grieve without War and Peace going on in the background, but the first pain is done.
You and your well sister are doing amazing things for your mother, but it’s really time to look at alternatives to ‘keeping her in her own home’. Start looking for facilities that match her needs, where you can see that she is happy, safe and cared for. You have to bring your own prison sentence to a close, by not having to worry about organising 12 hour daily care in a house 2 hours away.
From the sound of it, your children are now young adults. Don’t model for them that ‘family’ means that you take everyone’s burdens on your own shoulders. Let them grow up and be independent. They will be happier for it, and so will you. Don’t let your son with the learning disability turn into a permanent non-working dependent – he needs to manage his own life with whatever problems fate has chucked at him.
Your troubles tick bxes for us – two bushfires, the house and sheds burning down, losing all our fences and stock wandering everywhere, estranged daughter being about as nasty as possible, MIL and FIL’s deaths, BIL’s death this year, first husband's surprisingly upsetting death last year, blah blah blah. We wouldn’t go to the mountains of California (those fires look too familiar), so we are selling the farm and running off to Alice Springs.
Where can you go to have some fun?
I'm so sorry for all the grief you've experienced, my friend. I wish you all the best of luck as you forge ahead & strike out on your own. Life is short. Live NOW and don't look back; you've done enough.
JoAnn is right on. One by one, get the people in your life in order, as best you can and then GO...lie your own life. Cut the people who are toxic and crazy out of your life and make one for yourself that is for you.
You sound beyond exhausted. I hope you can move forward in 2020 and make a new and healthy life for yourself.
Believe it or not--there are "not crazy' people out there!!
Your second sister is being carried for. If not done already, I would let the state take guardianship.
Then ur on ur own to live ur life. Hopefully ur divorced. If not, I would do it. You want a clean slate. Travel a little. Take a cruise. You will meet some nice people or just be by yourself. Take CG sister with u. Regroup and rejuvenate.
Life stinks sometimes, doesn’t it? We can’t make sense of any of it.
There are people with inspiring stories as you told. I don’t know what their secret it but I can tell you that I am a dreamer too. Sometimes my dreams saved me from thinking about the heartache I have endured.
So I won’t tell you not to dream. Without hope we have nothing. Do you have any dreams that you would like to share?
Tell us if you like. I’d love to hear the dreams of a fellow dreamer. Not all dreams come true but some do. I hope yours do. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I feel your pain in your words.
I had a huge oak tree in my back yard as a kid. I can’t tell you how many times I climbed that tree and would look up at the sky watching the clouds go by and dream of a happy future. Some of my dreams came true. I think most of us have had our share of broken dreams too.
This forum is a great place to vent. We are happy to listen and offer support. Take care. I wish you all the best and many, many hugs!
i could have co authored that book .
bet he aint got no psycho wife either .