Why did mom have such a short time bedridden? Did we miss something??!!!

Wendy, our friend’s wife died a short time ago, 12 days after getting her first cancer diagnosis. Some women wake in the morning to find that the husband next to them has died in his sleep. Don’t think that something wrong must have been done. Sometimes life and death are not what we expect. I hope that you are starting to adjust, rest, cope with everything that has had to be done, and feel a bit better in yourself. Best wishes.

Wendy,
Sending thoughts and prayers your way during this most difficult time. Keep your memories of your dear mom close to your heart. Wishing you many blessings, peace and strength as you move on to another chapter in your life.

You did nothing "wrong". And nothing anyone else did or did not do was "wrong"
Just as everybody is different, every body is different.
Be glad she was able to be more active than many and that she had just a few short weeks in bed. Long duration in bed can cause a whole host of problems.
I am glad you had Hospice to help, let them also help you through this difficult time as well. Take advantage of the bereavement groups they offer.

Bedridden is not something I would wish on anyone. Bedridden for years causes pain and frustration. You did nothing wrong. May her memory be a blessing to you.

I had my mom for several years after she declined to that point, but in our case although she basically couldn't move much at all without assistance she was in a nursing home so she was never bedridden. I've got to say that when I read about people like your mom I rejoice that they didn't have to deteriorate to the degree my mom did, and I feel envious that we were not fortunate enough to experience the same. Nonetheless losing someone is hard and full of second guessing no matter how it happens, I'm sorry for your loss.

I am hoping that hospice spoke with you, told you that her demise was nearing? I think after all that time it would still be difficult for you to lose her. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you will soon take comfort in knowing you no longer have to be afraid for her having to suffer more. I am hoping that the doctor and hospice did explain to you that hospice is essentially "end of life" care, and that this is the end times for your Mom. There is then really nothing to "miss". It is a recognition that there is no getting well any longer, only the prolonging of suffering. You don't tell us how old your Mom was--I hope she had a long and good life--but you do tell us that she suffered with dementia for 8 years. My brother passed this year at 85, and had a diagnosis of probably early Lewy's Dementia. To tell you the truth I am so relieved he did not have to live what that diagnosis meant going forward. I know he was ready. I was as well, and I am thankful for the many wonderful years we had.

I’m so sorry. You didn’t miss anything. It was simply her time to go. As CG, we literally take on every burden and hold ourselves to a way higher standard than others view us. I pray that your memories will give you peace.

Dear Wendylou,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences in the sudden passing of your mom. I know how very painful this is for you. I have experienced it myself.

You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes we just don't and can't know the exact timeline of when they will pass away. It can't be foreseen. With anyone in life whether they are young or old, healthy or ill, there are no guarantees of another tomorrow. I agree with both "JoAnn29" and "Geaton777". Just too many unknowns. I think sometimes we think if we have all our "ducks in a row" nothing should happen and when it does in spite of all we've done - we immediately scratch our heads and the hard questions start popping up into our minds.

You seemed to have been on top of it as best as anyone can be. Eight years is a long time with the disease. I do know some can live maybe ten but even that depends on so many things which vary from one person to another. My mom is around the 8-9 year mark.

My experience was with my dad in 2004. He had diabetes and would check his blood sugar after each meal. If it was too high (he often ate things he wasn't suppose to), he would go for a walk and take it again and it would be closer to the normal range. One day, he started to notice that even after walking it wasn't coming down. And the going to specialists began - something had to be wrong. There was - he had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer - something there is no cure for.

We were going to try the chemotherapy route at first but, I couldn't bear to put him through that when it "might" only give him an extra month. It was at that point I decided to bring hospice on at my parent's home. That was mid-August. Shortly, upon starting hospice, they began the Morphine and oxygen. The case manager would always tell him he looked good (and he did) - he didn't like her telling him that and would reply "but, you don't know how I feel inside".
She would tell my mom and I that she thought he would live at least through December. He didn't. He passed away on Labor Day Weekend. It was my first experience losing an immediate family member and I went into "shock" when I watched him draw his last breath - not only had I not experienced losing anyone, I never saw some one die right before my eyes! Earlier that morning when the next nurse came on duty, she looked at him and said "he's not going to make it through my shift" which would end at 7:00 pm. She called the case manager - it was her day off but, she came immediately because she too was in shock. She couldn't believe it was happening that quickly so she wanted to see for herself. He ended up passing away after that nurse's shift was over. So my point is, that longtime hospice care professionals were wrong so how could us laymen be able to predict when the end of life for our loved one will be.

When it is our time to go - it is our time to go. Nothing or no one can stop it or prevent it from happening. Please believe me when I say my heart hurts for you and your family and you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you begin the grieving process. May God comfort you all in your hour of need because He truly is the only one who can!

I'm sorry for your loss. Your fourth sentence said it all, bedridden, Would you want to see her in bed all the time? I know it's horrible, but she is not suffering anymore.

Wendylou, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. You didn't miss anything. There's too many things physically that can go wrong that you can't see so, you may never know for sure -- even what they put on the death certificate may not be the "actual" thing that caused her to pass. Also, it is extra disturbing when our expectations are not met. You expected a time frame for her that didn't occur. My friend's mom requested hospice for her mom (with dementia) and she qualified, thinking she was close to passing. Only to have her linger for 9 more months. May you receive peace in your heart that you did everything to your best and that her not lingering may have been a blessing for her.

Dementia progresses to each part of the brain. Each part effected, dies. The last thing effected is usually the part of the brain that controls breathing and heart. When that part of the brain can no longer function, the body dies.

My Mom was bedridden two weeks before her death. She did not want to get up and she did not want to be bothered. Her body was shutting down. She could no longer eat and drink. She was kept comfortable. I will assume that this is what happened to you Mom. From what I have read, eight years is pretty long for someone suffering from Dementia. I am so sorry for your loss.