Why do I always feel like I am in crisis mode?

That's a good question, not to be taken lightly....It almost KILLED me, 'caregiving' my mother for the last 5 year, even after I got her into a nursing home, and a few years later she died. Getting her house cleared out (stressor) was a major thing, and now it's rented out, and I worry about it still - we need that income to help with my disabled brother in a group home. (another stressor). Struggling friends and relatives (stressor), worrying about my health, relatives health, husbands' health (stressor). That unspeakable THING in the White House threatening to take away our Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Health Insurance, food stamps ! and sentence our children and grandchildren - and god knows what else....I do believe people who suffer through all this, with NO SUPPORT FROM ANYONE ELSE, actually do have PTSD. And they wonder why we don't turn into Walton family matriarchs all aglow with the magic of the holiday season and they wonder why we DRINK.

I can completely relate tgengine, I know exactly what your talking about and while there are a lot of good points here in others responses, personally I think it boils down to the fact that you have been living in crisis mode and it sounds like you've been in that state in some shape or form for many years. I don't really know how you learn to stop "waiting for the other shoe to drop" when you have become so accustomed to having it drop. The truth is when you have a loved one living with medical issues and have taken on any responsibility for someone during a major medical event you learn that it's full of constant fires than need to be put out and yes so often crisis to crisis. You have had that 4-5 fold (I lost track) because the death of a loved one is a crisis and even though it seems to lend itself to some sort of finality, that takes time. There is paperwork and red tape, details that never seem to stop coming. When your talking about a relative living with major medical issues and or elderly living with the passing of their partner (like your dad) that's bound to quadruple the day to day "fires". PTSD sounds like a spot on reference to me and while I don't have the answer for you I can say for certain that you aren't alone, you aren't crazy, odd or doing something wrong. Yes we can always make a case for not doing enough to care for ourselves but if you are like me, turning away and refusing to take care of it to force someone to do it themselves or find someone else wouldn't be caring for myself, it would most of the time create more stress for me.

I often find myself wondering how it is that managing one other life, my mom's, takes so much extra time when there are 2 of us splitting the responsibilities. How is it that taking care of the details of her life takes as much of my day, often more, as managing my own and why does my own get so out of hand? I'm not on my own I have 2 brothers and all 3 of us are involved. Simply based on geographic's the lions share really does fall to 2 of us and when I hear the brother who lives closest to her say he has nothing in his life for him, he's going from one crisis to another and always taking care of something for someone else, when his cup is overflowing, I often think to myself "me too" he is describing exactly what I'm feeling. However from my perspective he has more in his life that's his, things he enjoys and chose for his life. He does what he loves for work and get's to go do that without anyone else, he get's to live that life. I don't, my choices were taken from me years ago with a chronic illness of my own. Now I also get that things are often stressful at work and it's easy to loose sight of the fact that you are doing what you love when you aren't enjoying it so much at the moment and I don't say all of this to complain or compare my sad story to anyone else's. My brother while feeling like all he does is give and do for others, which he does for sure, is also great at finding the fun in it along the way. He may have to drop what he's doing for the day to run mom from one place to another last minute for the current problem (fire to fire, crisis to crisis) but he finds the humor in whatever is happening and sends a video clip to my other brother and I of the 2 of them in the car or about to feast on a burger and fries at their favorite spot. He always slips in getting this or that done and making an adventure out of it. My point being that while he always seems to find or make the upside of the new "fire" he forgets to focus on that rather than the fact there was a fire. Try to remember to be see the glass half full. So many of the things we find ourselves having to do as primary or even secondary caregiver have an upside, that procedure had to be done aren't we lucky it solved a problem? There are a dozen other things I should be doing and I don't want to put my mom through this but there isn't a real choice and aren't we lucky to have this forced time together, to experience this event together? Why not find a positive instead of focusing on the uncomfortable chair? When my grandmother had her heart surgery My mother, her sister (my aunt) and I spent quite a bit of time all together in her hospital room with her sharing stories, caring for each other, getting to know each other better and just generally bonding in a way we never would have without that surgery and I treasure that time. I wouldn't wish the surgery on anyone but short of my grandmother not needing it I wouldn't trade that time for anything. At that time I had to take off work and make all kids of life adjustments but it was well worth it in so many ways.

Does any of that change the fact that when you become caregiver for a loved one with medical needs, crises, you are going to experience that crisis to crisis thing and depending on various factors (of which you have many) you are likely to become conditioned to expecting the next one often without being able to relax and enjoy your accomplishment in between (ugh did anyone need to review or make Medicare adjustments before the deadline?) but if you can try and remember to find and enjoy little pleasures and feel good about the good you have done for the person you love and care about (which may be your spouse as well as their sibling) it might alleviate a little of your feelings of being overwhelmed. Of course the suggestion to talk to someone, professional or not shouldn't be ignored either. I find some help in reading through some of the exchanges here and offering my 2 cents when I can. I like being able to possibly help others with my experience/views and it's always helpful to know I'm not alone.

Tgengine, you aren't alone and you feel like a crisis is always looming because in your experience it is. You just have to remember that dealing with each crisis to the best of your ability is such a huge gift to those around you and you are amazing for taking that on.

After doing a little research I see that this is so prevalent in so many caregivers especially female. It's helpful to me to lean on my higher power and others in the same boat. Also one thing I have learned and still trying to unravel is the guilt syndrome. I mean when is ok for me to stop and back out or backoff a bit to regroup and rest. That is selfish right ? It's a thin line but follow your heart and instinct is what I have been told.

Many people are not familiar with Adrenal Fatigue (aka hypoadrenia) which has been referred to as "the 21st century stress syndrome". There is actually a very good book with that title "Adrenal Fatigue, the 21st Century Stress Syndrome" although you can also find very good information on the internet.

It has been suggested that the following supplements are helpful along with some other changes in lifestyle: Vitamins C, E, B6, B-complex, Pantothenic acid, Magnesium, Calcium, Trace minerals (zinc, manganese, selenium, molybdenum, chromium, copper, iodine), adrenal cell extracts.

I have suffered with this too, because of stress related trauma that just wiped me out. One of my personal favorites in addition to the recommended supplements is Fish Oil and flax seed, both of which are high in Omega 3 fatty acids. The standard American diet is deficient in Omega 3, essential to health but the body can't make them. I feel calmer when I take Omega 3's daily than when I don't, so for me it makes a big difference.
Paying attention to how you breathe is also very helpful, because when we are stressed we tend to breathe shallowy. Take every opportunity to check in with your body. Where are you tense? How are you breathing? You don't need to take big deep breaths all the time, but try to slow your breathing down making sure you are getting some full breaths in as your breathe. Also, it's important to expel your breath fully too. Making a sighing sound as you exhale really helps to expel the air from your lungs and is like an instant relaxer. When you hear anguished people sigh out loud that's one of the body's natural ways of calming itself. And LAUGH! Make sure you LAUGH more. There is nothing more invigorating than laughter. It just makes everything seem and feel better, no matter what the circumstances.

So, you have lots of good answers here, not only from me but from others on this page. We all hope you find what works for you and will feel better soon!

MsCritter, thanks for your insight as well. I was thinking about the adrenal issue and comments this afternoon and remembered when I did some research on cortisol stress. It was literally eye opening.

Some years ago I discovered a fascinating book, a study by neurologist Robert Sapolsky, who's also referred to as a biologist and primatologist.

His fascinating book, "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers". is an in depth study of the stress response in primates, in animals vs. humans. The book ranges from very technical, wade-through type scientific data to humorous descriptions of why humans suffer from stress responses on a long term basis, but zebras don't.

His analogy is that zebras mate, have little zebras, graze, search for food and water that (absent a severe drought) are generally not high level stress activities. However, when feline predators seek zebras for meals, the stress response in zebras accelerates exponentially. After one poor zebra has become the felines' next meal, the zebra stress response drops back to normal and the prior activity resumes.

Sapolsky compares that to humans, and the myriad stresses to which we respond daily and less frequently but on a higher level. He cites job interviews, dealing with the IRS (stressful indeed!), divorce, death, war, and many other human activities, which create not only immediate and "spiked" stress responses, but also long term stressors.

It's a fascinating, humorous and very scientific multi-year study of stress responses, and well worth reading.

The crisis mode can be reduced by a low dose of Diazepam.

Yoga, pilates, meditation & deep-breathing techniques work wonders. It can be extremely calming to practice any one of these healing exercises. It is usually offered at gym's or other private means with amazing results.

Would your daughter be able share in your day to day responsibilities? Try talking to her about that. Set aside 5-10 minutes to write a journal every day. It clears the mind and help focus on important things in life. Go on a movie/ eat-out with your friends on weekends. Those simple measures might help.

The "zero based concepts" that GardenArtist refers to is actually a form of the "Eisenhower Matrix" an organizational tool to prioritize activities. It was developed by, you guessed it, Dwight D. Eisenhower and can be found at
eisenhower.me/eisenhower-matrix/
Godspeed

Around 2013, I was as sick as I will ever be in this lifetime (fingers crossed). Stress and burnout caused by nursing my beloved grandmother in her final days, dealing with an APS investigation and false reports of abuse, took over the mess my mentally incompetent father had unwittingly created, hired lawyers to help keep my family protected... and it all still fell apart... and I was mentally DONE after a year of that...add in a bad toxic mold issue and it all leveled me, put me in bed, I couldn't get up to do anything due to severe panic disorder that onset quickly and was relentless for several months. I finally realized that I couldn't rest my way to getting better and I researched how to repair the effects of stress in the body.

MsCritter nailed a few key things, especially about Omegas. Whole omegas are known to help repair DNA damaged by stress. We actually change our DNA (!) through intense and/or prolonged stress and our bodies need assistance to recover.

So that was one important thing I learned -- that supplements play a key role in recuperation from stress. B vitamins for nervous system support are very important, too.

Any benzodiazepine can give temporary relief. I agree with Llama that a small dose of diazepam (Valium) can be very helpful. If you don't take it every day or regularly, it will not become habit forming.  For me, there are still times when the only way I can rest well is to take something, OTC or Rx.  I think diazepam is a good tool for some of us.  

I went through (may still be going through for all I know, but seems to have subsided) a strange physical issue recently, related to high stress levels. I started having these adrenaline surges when I would try to sleep. I was TIRED, I wanted to sleep, but I would fall asleep and be woken by a feeling of stimulant in my heart and body, like someone gave me a shot in the arm. It was gnarly, and the only other time I'd had that experience was back in 2013 when I was very sick. I read about what would cause such a thing to happen, and the answer is cortisol. When cortisol levels are too high during the day, and rising during the day when they should be falling, it will do its intended job as our Stress Hormone and keep us from sleeping soundly, keep us on high alert. Alcoholic drinks increase cortisol levels. If you have any stress condition, and you drink, you will increase the stressful feeling overall. Exercise is a good option to reduce stress and anxiety w/o substances. Daily meditation practice during the day is helpful to calm the mind.

I figure I'm not saying anything that most here don't know. :-) But since I've gone through a resurgence of stress symptoms just recently, even though I'm officially post-caregiving status, I thought I'd chime in here. There is definitely a physical response in our bodies that causes that High Alert feeling and it may take real effort on our parts to help our bodies/brains heal up after such an experience.

I watched some YouTube videos that went into great scientific detail about what stress does in the body, and then how to reverse those effects. Education about this issue is so helpful! How do you know that drinking cannot help soothe your stress symptoms unless you know that it raises cortisol and that raised cortisol is part of the problem?? How do you know that you need B vitamins and whole Omegas to help repair damage? Read, become informed. It's your quality of life that's at stake and it's worth putting the effort in to improve your health.

Edit:  Someone on this forum told me to take a look at adrenal fatigue and many of the symptoms resonated with me.  Educating yourself about adrenal fatigue, how cortisol works in the body, the different vitamins and supplements that help repair stress damage... this would all be worthwhile to get you understanding what has happened to you and how to heal.  

Shadowmaker, thanks for the information. I wasn't aware that Eisenhower developed it, but it doesn't surprise me, given his military background.

I suspect someone else tweaked it, renamed it and popularized it some decades ago.

I've got some interesting reading to do now; I want to learn more about this concept, as Ike developed it before it was renamed.

Thanks again.

Ali, very helpful and excellent information. I researched corticol stress after my sister died, as I was having the same kind of hyper symptoms you described. Long story made short, fish also helps b/c of the Omega 3s it contains. Salmon and tuna are my "go-to's" when stress starts surging.

And so is Luciano Pavarotti; his voice soothes me better than any medicine can.

I don't have much to add to the many good suggestions already offered, except to say that you are not alone feeling as you do. Your body has been on hyperalert for so long that your neural pathways feel that is a permanent state.
I disagree with the suggestion of anti-anxiety drugs, as they mask the problem temporarily, but do not remove the source of the problem. Some of them have nasty side effects, as I can personally attest.
There is lots of pseudoscience about adrenaline fatigue and cortisol. I find it hard to sort out the science from the hype. you might consider subscribing to Medical News Today, which is free. This will allow you to read what researchers have found on these topics.
Also, it is possible to have your cortisol levels tested to see if they are indeed off-the-charts. Your physician should know about the required test. A link to more info on measuring cortisol levels and how it is measured. http://wb.md/2yfsmv7

High levels of stress, when combined with a lack of exercise (especially if you have a few extra pounds0, create the perfect set-up for prediabetes. So you might consider getting a blood test to measure your A1c level to know where you stand.

A good many people suggest meditation as a way of calming one's mind. you can learn to do this yourself through online resources.

CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an effective way to change one's behavior. i have used this approach to come up with alternatives to several stressful situations in my own life. For me, it seems that stress makes my world close-in on me and I am less able to solve problems. Thus gaining perspective on one' s behavior is critical to change.

I know that being the go-to person for solutions has made me say yes all too often. Rather than stepping up to the plate at every turn, I have learned to focus on my own problems and not step-in or volunteer in situations that are not life and death. However, saying no or stepping away is not always easy for me because I am a born problem solver.
I do recommend physically distancing yourself from your daily life. It could mean a vacation or time out every day. But you have to do it consciously and consistently.

Now you have fewer family responsibilities, you might want to consider how to pour more energy into your business, which is hard to do when you have so many competing priorities. About two months ago, I removed myself from a highly stressful situation. When I did, my energy for my business rebounded; all of a sudden my brain came out of its hiding place and went back to work on what I enjoy.
In closing, it is not easy to wind-down and step-away to focus one's self. But it is possible. Good luck!

Thanks for the good insights. It is difficult being on alert all the time. I can be sleeping sometimes hear nothing or sometimes the littlest beep. Apparently the dog and my wife were after a mouse in the bedroom last night at 1 AM and I heard nothing. Close to 5 AM this AM i heard a beep I thought was the alarm system and I was wide awake.
I do need to work out more and eat cleaner. I try but it only works for a day. It is kind of like putting the filing away in my office, OK for one day then bam! Not getting it done.
Life little stresses get bigger it seems every day.
I do have to try to get back to the gym (and actually go in this time). Daughter is helping out more here. Dad is the same. He wont change. I have to figure out how I am going to handle the money with him (covering his expenses when he runs out). Debating if or not to call my sibling. If I call she will tell Dad I called and she wont really hear me anyway. Nor will she help with costs.
I will look into some different ways to reduce the stress. Id rather not go the medicine route. Too much in my system already.
Thanks to those who help and my thoughts to those who are suffering as well.

TG, you're covering housing, utilities, food and other necessities, and Dad's money appears to be discretionary spending money. So if you tell him his money is all he has to spend and you won't be adding more, it's not like he will be going without key items like medicine. You could tell him now that as of January 1, he'll need to make his money work for the whole month. And then you need to follow thru with this. If your sister isn't going to help with the finances, there no purpose to even talk to her about it.

I think you're never out of crisis mode. But for me, I guess I have gotten numb to a certain extent and actually now feel less hyper than I used to - most of the time! Maybe it's something like PTSD. My mom is deeper into dementia, and sadly this has helped some in terms of dealing with her demands. I am learning to rely on others more for her care - the long goodbye and separation is sad but does make the stress factor ease a bit.

I too am always in crisis mode. It was really bad a few months ago to where I'd have panic attacks. I decided to see a therapist and go on a short trip to see my friends. (They forced me actually. Otherwise, like you, I didn't feel like seeing anyone at the time.) Taking the time to take a break, talk with loved ones and try to focus on a hobby helped ease it some. When it gets too much, I just turn my phone off and log out of social media and do something at home. Gardening. Cooking. Something small and easy. It won't go away at once but I agree w/ other commenters. It takes time.

AliBoBali: Yes, a friend discovered mold behind her walls when her entire plumbing system (toilet waste) flooded her downstairs living room. Talk about a disaster! So yes, mold can cause significant health problems.