My mother is 89 years old and has Alzheimer’s. I have been taking care of her for ten years now in my home. There are no brothers or sisters to share the burden with and we have no assets to pay for help with caregiving. So it’s all on me. My son is 24 he also lives with me and we are all in a 2 bedroom apartment, She is constantly barging into my sons bedroom and interrupting him from homework, from speaking on the phone, when showering. We had to put a lock on his bedroom door. She then bangs on the door and yells for him to open. I’m between a rock and hard place. For ten years she has had a very detrimental effect on my autistic son. The stress has caused me two strokes and pre-diabetes. She wakes me up several times a night switching my lights on and speaking to me. So I’m constantly exhausted. I can’t concentrate to do important things like pay bills or run errands because I always have her attached to my hip. She was a good woman. I don’t fully agree with the view that they cared for us , now we must sacrifice our lives and those of our children to care for them. She had a great life 90 years of it. She is destroying ours and leading to stress related health issues. I feel she will bury me because she is completely healthy nothing wrong with her. It could be another ten years, I have paid my dues. I would never never want to be a burden to my own child. So why do I feel guilty about putting her in memory care. In this country it sucks, it costs more than 99 % of normal people can afford. It would ruin me financially and leave nothing for my autistic son when I die. Memory care is a euphemism for glorified incarceration with short staffing almost no outdoor time and lockdown. I have visited many places and they are depressing. I have considered this statement very carefully, I would rather be dead than “live” in that state of existence, yelling, or in a stupor and subjecting my loved ones to anguish. In Denmark they have Alzheimer’s villages where these folks are treated humanely and there are more caregivers than patients. That will never happen here because it’s all about the “ The almighty god of profit “ People are now living much much longer and a huge burden for the ‘sandwich’ generation who are also taking care of their children. We worked hard our whole lives for whatever years we have in retirement but I feel my life is being destroyed by my mothers illness and by extension by her. My doctors say that my serious health issues are partly caused by all the stress. The panaceas of ‘take time to yourself, take a break ind help’, etc are not possible if you have no money and no family. For her sake and mine I think she would spare herself suffering, give my son a better life and allow me to live out the rest of my days in peace if she were to pass sooner than later, she is depressed and miserable most of the time pleading for god to take her. I have battled with clinical depression because that IS depressing ! So why am I feeling guilty about putting her in memory care ? She moans and groans constantly asks the same questions 100 times a day and follows me like she’s glued to me even in the house. The most patient and loving human being would crack under such torture and I do not mince my words it IS torture. Because she was a good mother. Because she still recognizes us. Because she likes to be in our home. Because she would suffer and that is a plain fact if placed among strangers and locked up in doors 99 % of the time. What do you think ??
My mother lived in one of these "locked down glorified incarceration " places and not only was she treated humanely, but like a well loved family member by the entire staff who doted on her day and night. I can't say enough about how beautifully she was cared for during her nearly 3 year stay there, so your statements are off base entirely.
If your mother can't afford to self pay in Memory Care Assisted Living, then you can apply for Medicaid to fund her stay in long term care. Your prime concern needs to be your autistic son and not a 90 year old mother who WILL be cared for in managed care. You can go visit her every day, multiple times, if you so desire. But to prevent your immediate family from having any privacy bc of mom with AD is wrong.
Stop dramatizing this situation and fix it, for all of your sakes. Your mom will likely make friends in managed care and have a more social life there than she does now!
Did YOU do something to cause your mother to develop dementia?
Maybe you feel grief that she is old, sick and that trying to take care of her is killing you.
YOU and I would rather be dead than be in memory care...because WE don't have dementia. Your mother may feel more secure in a smaller, more predictable place with a schedule and no surprises.
I believe, ardently, that we pay our parents back by taking good care of our children and making the future better for them.
You mother's resources (including Medicaid) should pay for her care, not you.
Protect your son. That's your job here.
Why would she be "locked up in doors 99 % of the time", most places have outdoor space that you will be able to access with her. She will have the opportunity to meet new people and to join in activities.
My Dad lived in Memory Care and was happy as a clam being there. He felt safe, loved the restaurant style dinning room, and being around people from his own age group. As for lock down, hey no different than you and I locking our front and back doors during the day/night.
You mentioned your Mom doesn't have any assets, thus you can apply to your State Medicaid office for placement of your Mom in a Nursing Home. Medicaid will pay for everything, it is taxpayer funded. There are really nice nursing homes, my Mom had resided in one during her final months as it was too difficult to care for her at home. I felt zero guilt, as I knew she was in good hands :)
I think we are placed amount strangers all our lives.
From kindergarten, to our school class, to the workforce.
Some stay 'strangers', some acquaintances, some become dear friends.
Who has the fear of strangers? Your Mom? Or yourself?
".. and locked up in doors 99% of the time".
I like some outdoor time but my Mother seems to dislike all wind, sun, rain.
Does your Mom actually like to be outdoors?
Yes, MC is locked, just like you've locked your son's door. What's the difference being locked in vs. locked out? No MC keeps people inside 99% of the time. My mother's place had all of them outside every morning for at least an hour, and anyone could go outside anytime they wanted, as the yard was gated.
She'll be safe, she'll have people watching out for her needs 24/7, and you'll be freed up just to love on her. I suggest you look at other memory care facilities or tour the others again with a brighter frame of mind.
Please know that you are helping your mom in the absolute best way possible by placing her.
You are basing your feelings on what you are used to. You are used to having your mom near you. It can be difficult to let go. It’s fear of the unknown. Give yourself time to adjust to her being cared for by others.
Your mom will adjust to her new environment. You will be her daughter again instead of her full time caregiver.
You will be free from the responsibility of the day to day work and can focus on your son and yourself.
As time goes by and you have had enough time to process what you have been through in the past, you will wonder why you haven’t placed your mother sooner.
One person can never do the job of an entire staff. Trust me I know. I tried to do everything for my mom too. When I saw the care that she received in a hospice home as she neared the end of her life, I regretted that she had not been placed sooner.
Wishing you peace as you continue to move forward.
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