Since my parents have passed everything has been like crazy around here. My siblings, constant calls, wanting to “help “, them badgering me to get the paperwork ready for the lawyer for probate. Them trying to be here when they weren’t here whenever my parents were sick and dying. Its sickening to say the least. I’ve seen them more since my parents have passed than I have in my entire life it seems like, and always with an entitled thinking that makes me want to scream. My son who is high functioning autistic has been getting bullied in school to the point where I believe I’m about to pull him out and move away from the town that I’ve lived in my whole life. He tells me he just cannot take it anymore. it’s crazy because I know that people live their lives and then they die. It’s a natural progression, but I feel like I failed my parents somehow because they died and it only last for a few hours that feeling a failure, but it gets me every time. After I drop my son off at school I come home and I open the door and every time I expect to hear my mom and my dad talking and it’s never there. I’ve grieved a little, but not as much as I probably should because on top of all the bullying at school for my son, my siblings haven’t stopped with their wants they started calling the attorney and bugging him. The one time me, and my siblings all got together it was a knock down, screaming match between three of them. And I just stood back and I watched. My mom and dad would of been appalled with their behavior. I’ve made it to where if they want to discuss anything they do have to go to the lawyer because I don’t have the energy nor do. I really care about fighting with them over material things that they think they’re entitled to, it breaks my heart that it’s like this. when my dad was alive before the dementia became too bad he used to always want us to do a family portrait and to get along. his one last wish in life was for all of us to get along, and we can’t even do that , my mom she warned me on how some of them would probably act and she was right but I really wish she was still here. I wish both of them was still here. It’s crazy to think that I could make big decisions “life/death decisions “for them and not question myself but some thing is little as what to eat for my son and I….I question my self over and over and over. Grief sucks
Please hang in there. Take one thing at a time and one day at a time,
As for your son, I am so sorry he's getting bullied. My teenage daughter is also high functioning, too. So, I understand. I am fortunate that I am able to homeschool her through a charter school. I have no doubt that kids would have teased her and bullied her if she was in a public school. She attends outside classes with other homeschoolers in much smaller groups and with more supervision from teachers. And the kids are very well behaved. Please check out homeschool alternatives for your son. I bet your son is very smart and talented as most high functioning kids are.
You can private message me if you want more information about homeschooling.
You do not have to jump because your pushy siblings harrangue and harass you about it. You work on your time, not theirs.
Tell them to go pound sand or tell any one of them to go get the paperwork and you will gladly sign over executorship of the will.
As for your son, if he wants to leave the school he's in because of the bullying, take him out.
He can go to alternative schooling. Such places do exist. My cousin's son went to one. He got mercilessly bullied in school to the point where he could not go to regular public school anymore. He's a good kid. I say 'kid' even though he's now pursuing his master's in education to become a special education teacher. Take your kid out of the school he's in and find an alternative for him.
You'll be okay and you did not fail anyone. You did right by your parents. The top priority is your son not your siblings and their potential inheritance. They can wait. He cannot.
BTW, you do know that as executor of the will you are entitled to be paid fees and for your tine out of the estate, right?
I think it's normal to miss even those you had to give care to. They diverted your attention and they were FAMILY, they CARED. You could talk to them. Now they aren't there to support you.
I wonder about your school system. I am assuming you have paid a visit. While we all have to learn to deal with the evil-doers in life, it is unusual for a school system to allow bullying today.
While you are now at loose ends, is there any way, with the support of a good program, that you could home school? At least for a while? Meanwhile nurturing your sons relationships with friends, perhaps with some sports, and taking him there? It would keep you busy.
Any way you can afford even a FEW sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice for a few pointers? In all truth, there are so many talented and special people in this world with autism who are using the special skills of a brain "different" from the "norm" (whatever the heck that is). Think Temple Grandin and read him her book.
I am so sorry you are going through all this grieving at the same time you are dealing with issues for your son. Talk about the sandwich generation, huh? But you know, you have already proven you can handle so much.
Teach your son to laugh off the bullying. No one who is worth anything in this world does that, so he is way above THEM. Teach him to walk away. And teach him his own worth. Role play situations with him. Talk about what works and what doesn't.
I trust you to get through this; you have already proven who you are. My heart so goes out to you. I wish I had an answer to how hard life can be, but boy, at 80 I am just beginning to know how few answers I have.
PS: then there is Dr. Laura's infamous "splat!!!!" story. If you want it drop me a private message and I will tell it to you!
When I get that way, I usually can't sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I get grouchy and if I'm in really bad shape, I do "scorched earth" and then everything gets worse.
Lately, what has been working for me so that I can get the sleep, is just to list everything on a piece of paper. Don't bother prioritizing, just list it all. Then take one thing and promise myself that I will do that one thing the next day. The next day, do that one thing or at least part of that one thing. If you have energy, do another. However, just do one. If that one morphs into multiple actions, then add the actions to the list. As things pop up in your brain, add it to the list. One at a time. As you complete an item, cross out the item.
I'm old school. Although digital is more environment friendly, I find myself preferring paper.
As another poster wrote, one foot at a time and in front of the other. You can get through this.
May the light from above, gently guide you through the path.
People don’t talk about this, but we should. Media are full
of happy smiling moms and dads savoring their last years with a sweet and helpful caregiver or adult child looking on. They don’t show the full adult diapers that must be changed or that dad hasn’t been able to string a complete sentence together for two years. They never highlight mom’s frequent falls or the bruises on her legs.
Accept that it was a lost battle from the beginning. Internalize it. Don’t chastise yourself for not doing enough. They were lucky to have you to help, and now it’s time to move on as best you can.
I wish you comfort and peace.
Some people have families that rally, love, support, care, nurture and help.
Some.
Most have issues much like you are descrirbing to us. Your sibs are pushing you to hurry along a process over which you have very little control.
Cleaning out the 'leftovers' from someone's life is time consuming and exhausting. Sounds like your sibs are only interested in the $$ coming to them.
I think the idea of telling that every time they hassle you, you are going to the lawyer for support and advice and it's costing the estate $250. That isn't untrue--I know what my son charges for an hour of his time.
You could have the attorney draft a letter to your sibs stating just how much needs to be done to close out the estate, an estimate of how LONG that will take and send a copy to each sib. Then shut them out as much as you can.
My mom's tiny, simple estate took 5 months to 'execute'. My YB was executor and he told us upfront it would take about that long. I didn't care, but my other YB had been mom's caregiver and really was in dire need of the money that was coming to him. But I never heard him say a word about it taking that long.
I hope you are also taking YOUR hourly fee for this crummy job.
As far as your son--it breaks my heart a hundred ways to see ANY child bullied or hurt. Life is so hard, why do people make it harder? Being a bully is a one way ticket to nothing. It sounds like you are a very devoted mom and you will find what's best for your boy.
I hope you can do some things just for you. Grieving is such an odd feeling. I lost mom 5 months ago and I STILL go to pick up the phone to call her, or think "I should go see mom'...I think it will be a very long time before I am 'better'. You did not fail your folks in any way. Everyone dies. It wasn't your fault and you should be proud that you kept them safe & happy at home.
Some days will be awful. I found great comfort in sleeping. Putting my needs first (for once) and even then it's a slow process. Take care of yourself. Really. You're no good to anyone if you are burned out and sad.
And don't let ANYONE tell you that your grief is taking too long to resolve. It's a process and everyone is different.
((Hugs))
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