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Seven days a week (5, after working a full day) I go to my mother's house to help my brother get mom (who has dementia) changed, bathed, teeth brushed, etc. Some days, I am SO exhausted from work and all I want to do is go home and chill; but I force myself to put on my "game face" and do what I have to do. By the time I am finished doing everything, it is late and I'm too tired to go home and cook a decent dinner so I end up eating something from a can or a micro dinner. My doctor is concerned that doing too much, too often will cause an injury (I am almost 60). We have tried to get someone to come in my place a couple of days a week, but have been unsuccessful in finding reliable help. This schedule has been going on for at least 6 years and is wearing me down mentally and physically (sometimes there is lifting her involved). Taking care of mom is not the issue. She's easy-going and sweet. Should I lie and tell my brother that I'm not feeling well one day and can't come? Will mom be ok if I'm not there for one day?

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No need to tell any "lies" - you and your brother must both be in dire need of a break.

Try again to find help with her bed time routine, only make it more regular and better defined. Is money a problem? Have you already approached your (mother's, that is) local area agency on aging for advice about finding services?
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So, if I understand from your other posts, brother lives with mom and you go every day after work to help get mom to bed (because she needs 2 folks to move her?..or because lady parts are involved?).

Have you looked into assistive devices like a Hoyer lift or sit-to-stand?

You say brother doesn't want a hospital bed for aesthetic reasons?

Please consult the NP about that and follow his/her advice.

Have you called a home health care agency like VNS to get reliable care? Why do you let brother call the shots?

No one is going to stand up for your health but you.
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Wow, with all that is going on and your own life and responsibilities, why are YOU doing what obviously is harming you greatly. You can't get a suitable caretaker. What does your brother do? Why can't he do what you do so you have some time off? I have said it hundreds of times before - when the impact is too much and harming the one who takes care so much, then they must be placed.
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If there are finances, consult a home health care agency. You need a home health care aide to come in to clean mom, dress mom, and maybe do some cooking and/or cleaning. Most aides come in for 4 hours at the least. Try to get help in for most of the week so you can rest after work. This will also give your brother a little time off as well. You both deserve this help.
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Wow, this is way too much for you to keep doing. Your health will decline running this schedule and so will your brother's.

Ask mom's primary care for a social worker consult to help you find caregiver assistance.

Their are many home care agencies that you can google and locate. Read the reviews and after all your brother is present to monitor the care of the aides.

In the meantime you can scale back some of her needs. Mom does not need a sponge bath or shower everyday.
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You aren't clear if your brother is with her 24/7. In case he is…at this pace after you're through with caring for her you'll just transition to one sibling taking care of the other. Just figure on tacking on another 20 years to your current life style. You may not even have to wait too long before both efforts, mom and caring for a sibling, may overlap.
1) Your obligation is not to take care of your mom but to make sure she is taken care of.
2) Are you married with family? They must be your priority.
3) It may be time to bring her in to adult day care or full time care.
4) Manage Care Advisor - I'm not sure if this is the right name but there are agencies where you can hire a specialist that will size up your situation and then tell you options you may not be aware of.
Don't wait. I went from working and caring for my in-laws, to sharing care for my parents, to currently caring full-time for my husband.
You'll wind up not recognizing yourself.
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Your mum will be ok you need time to yourself to get back some rest I feel the same iam in mid 40s and my partner had a stroke two years ago he’s a couple of years younger than me so really we’re both still young but I feel sometimes my life is just rubbish I don’t have anyone to talk to I don’t speak to my family all my friends have drifted off I don’t have a good happy life at the moment it’s not fair I just feel tired everyday because I care for him I do everything I never seem to get a break I left myself go I always looked nice had a social life now I have nothing but constant worry sorry for going on but it nice to be able to talk
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Tynagh Nov 2021
Oh Sunshine, sorry this has happened to you and your partner at such a young age. Can you get an aid once or twice a week to spot you? Maybe just for a couple of hours to get a haircut or nails or even a cup of coffee? Is your partner at all mobile? Maybe go to lunch or a drive?
It is hard having friends drift off, but it happens even in the best circumstances.
Hope today is a good one, and you have a circle here. We're all in similar situations.
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If you do not take care of yourself (an looks like nobody else is doing it) you WILL crash and burn. Kind of sounds like you are there already.

You work FT. Does brother also? Are you spelling him b/c he's with mom 24/7? Or doing the 'lady things' such as bathing her, etc., that may make him uncomfortable.

It's high time you hired some of this work out. A CG can come at any time. Could you find a way to pay someone 3-4 times a week to spell you and brother? If you have read many posts, there is one statement that seems to recur frequently: 33% of CG's die BEFORE the person they're caring for. I see it all the time. The 'healthy' spouse dies suddenly, leaving the needy spouse up a creek.

It takes a village to raise a family and a village to care for an elder. Please find some help--your dr is right, nobody is impervious to the stress of non stop CG.
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This is not a sustainable model.  If home health assist not accessible in your area, try hiring nursing students...they are often looking for a cash side hustle.  If all else fails, you may need to consider moving her to a care facility.  You need a life too!  And your health.  ALso agree below that daily bathing unless soiled or smelly is not necessarily a good thing.  We moved to a 3 or 4x/week shower schedule for my husband and notice no smells.  Now instead of a 'hurry up' activity, he can dally around as long as he likes...I carve out 90 minutes so he can continue to do most of this himself with minimal assist/oversight.  I know it seems small, but this is a big deal to him.
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Mom does not need a bath every day.
Does your brother do the daily change of clothes? Take care of her toileting needs? (changing, cleaning...)
Your brother can brush mom's teeth just as easily as you can.
I think taking a few days off from doing this should not be a problem,
HOWEVER....
Your brother if he is doing care 24/7/365 does need a break.
I am sure you coming for a few hours every day is a break that he needs.

If he is doing the main caregiving daily and overnight as well he needs help, m ore than just you for a few hours.
Contact an agency and have a caregiver come in at least 4 days a week for a minimum of a 6 to 8 hour day.

Is mom on Hospice?
If not you might want to look into it. You would get a Nurse that would come in 1 time a week. A CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and order supplies and change bedding if needed.
And you would also have the availability to request a Volunteer that could come in and sit with mom while your brother runs or and does some errands or just has a bit of time for himself.
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