Hi, this is parent problem. My Parents are in there 80's and to back-up the story so u understand why I'm feeling this way. I Grew-up as a Mennonite similar to the [Amish]. And I have a nephew who is only 3 months older than me and he just got married in {MEXICO}, and they went there and spent 6 days there. And before they went on this trip they Promise to visit me when they get back from Mexico. They got back on the 24 of September. The plan was for them to come and see me on the 28th-30th of September for my birthday, that's why they said they would come to visit. So let me ask this question: Do you agree that it’s unfair they went to Mexico for 6 days and can’t bother to come for 2 days to visit there youngest daughter who will be turning 28 yrs. old this year? They adopted me when they were 55 yrs. old. So what I am asking do u think that if they can go there, they should be able to drive 2 hrs. to see me, but now that they’re supposed to be here this Saturday the 28th and they’re here trying to make up all these excuses why they can’t come and see me. This is not the first time they did this to me they have done this to me 3x already. I'm starting to feel like they don't even want to bother to ever see me. I am been to there house 4x since they have come up to see me since then. I'm feeling very hurt and trying to be more understanding about this. I am also a [elderly caregiver] so maybe I should be more understanding. But I am trying and now they keep saying we will try and I even bought new furniture to help them not feel like their sitting on the floor, so my boyfriend and I went and got a couch and loveseat to make it even more comfortable for them. Can u tell me that that I'm not just imaging this that there trying to ditch me and be with only the other brothers and the other sister. So please tell me your thoughts.
A desperate 28 yr. old that needs the help??
You and BF find something fun to do. I will be celebrating my 75 this weekend. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
We don't get to choose our relatives (except your parents DID choose you) but we do get to choose how much or little we engage with them. Maybe instead of asking a bunch of strangers on the internet you need to just have a calm and diplomatic discussion with your parents and ask them why they chose to not visit? At least give them the opportunity to be honest with you. Then, you will need to live with whatever answer they give.
Also, consider that you may have some unresolved insecurities about being adopted. Perhaps see a therapist who may provide wise and objective guidance to you. You need to stop having expectations because they often lead to disappointments. Also stop comparing your life against your siblings: "compare and dispair". This is a losing game to play.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you seek answers.
You are young, and the fact that your parents are older it's harder for you to accept that. I'm sure your friends parents are in there 60s as an average. I'm so sorry but thats a huge age difference and your parents can't give you what parents in there 60s give there children.
My parents started dropping out of doing certain things in there middle 70s. Like my sons soccer games
For odd reason, they were worried about the dog, or my dad was worried my mom would get hit by a ball. Then they stopped going to things like my kids graduation and stuff. I suspect that had a lot to do with my dad's hearing.
I get that your hurt because they went to Mexico but can't come there, who knows the reason they may not like your neighborhood, there are just so many possibilities .
Do you go to see them? I think with your parents aging it's time to start thinking towards age , and going to them and if you want help them a little.
My older brother one day was mad because my parents wouldn't give him a ride somewheres. I sat him down and told him. Mom and Dad are getting old we have to accept that, not ask them for favors, but help them out.
It's the circle of life, and you are just hit with it so much younger than many.
Best of luck.
Invite them to see you. The invitation needs to be clear - not left as assumption or expectations.
Have an adult to adult conversation about any visits.
Does the location work for you AND them? Does the timing work for you AND them? If not, plan a visit that DOES suit you all.
If you are inviting, but they keep refusing, ask if you can discuss that. There may be reasons preventing their visit you don't know about.
This is not a caregiving issue from what I read so far. Consider personal coaching or councelling for support while you work things out.
Yet, are you going to your parents to ask about this?
No.
You are coming to a Forum of strangers, instead.
You say your parents are being unfair. That's very "accusatory". It isn't affording them opportunity to explain themselves so that you might understand.
What are we to make of such a story when we know nothing of them, or of you, or of your history together as a family. We could make comments but they would only be guesses pulled out of thin air.
I will give you a for-instance. I have two daughter, one in her late 50s and one in her 60s. They are both natural daughters. Yet one I do not see at all, and communicate with very rarely and with distant politeness after years of trying to "fix" our relationship. The other daughter and I are very close.
Now I could ask you why this is.......Just WHY. Could you answer?
Do you think you would have an answer for me?
I know the history, but you do not.
I will suggest to you what I would do were I in your position. I would say: "Mom and Dad, can I talk with you? Could I ask you a few questions, and just know if you don't have the answer right at your fingertips you can think about this and get back to me. I will preface by saying I am feeling hurt. You have just gone to Mexico to visit my bro, and I think had a lovely time. I thought that you were coming here after that, but you have canceled that once, and now may be canceling it again.
Can you tell me if I am unreasonable in feeling hurt? I can't help going over things in my head and asking myself WHY this is happening. Is there anything you can help me with? Is there a reason you don't want to come here? Is there something I could do to make you more comfortable visiting me?
I am sorry to sound so uncertain and wanting, but I love you and I miss you, and I would love to share with you what I love about my home.
If there is nothing, then just tell me that this worry is all in my head. But if you wish to discuss anything with me, I just want to let you know I am open to discussion".
I haven't a clue, really, Parentproblem. I hope you confront them lovingly and honestly, and I hope there is some answer that at least partially satisfies you.
For my daughter and myself, after years of trying we have had to come to a conclusion that we don't get along, don't know how to fix that, and are likely best off not troubling one another.
These things happen. Many children come to us with lifelong being unable to get along with parents. There is some "blood connection" or circumstantial accident of birth that makes them think they should, but sometimes there's just not an answer, and no easy fix.
I sure wish you the best.
If yes, you know what the real problem is.
My dad wouldn't stay at my house when I was shacking up with my now husband. Which was not due to any religious beliefs, just personal ones.
Why don’t you come clean and say you noticed they keep canceling and ask if the drive is the problem , or if there is another problem that you aren’t aware of .
Other than that I don’t want to jump to alot of other conclusions . Only you know these people . There are some Mennonites who are more strict and less tolerant of a child leaving the church , or having a lifestyle different from their beliefs , especially their daughters .
You didn’t say if you live with your boyfriend or not .But even if you don’t , just in general a woman living on her own , not married in a modern career may also be an issue for them if they belong to a stricter order or they are just old fashioned (they are in their 80’s ) .