My husband has two brothers. They love their parents and, when asked, would do anything to help them. However, they refuse to talk to each other about what their parents need or to plan ahead in any way about this. Sometimes, my mother-in-law mentions things to me (e.g., she's not happy with her current Medicare coverage, which was set up by one son who isn't really doing anything to help her change it). I tell my husband about it and suggest that he and his brothers talk, but they never do - about this or any issue, ranging from minor to very major. My sister-in-law tries, as well, but her husband resents her bringing these things up to him. Anyone have this issue? and advice on how to improve the situation?
My brother use to be that way, until I backed out of my mothers world and care, he was forced to step up, lots of confusion and lack of knowledge prevailed, but he has learned a hard lesson and has stepped up to the plate...although, I do consul him behind the scenes. He still hates confrontation, he likes to avoid that venue.
I have met very few men who are long term thinkers, they kind of float through the day and hope that the tooth fairy will drop foo foo dust and that the problem will go away.
Just my observations.
Are the brothers ever in the same room? I'm wondering if your and your parents-in-law and SIL could collate some kind of agenda which, going forward, the family as a whole could be updated on. It's just that it's easier to have a proper conversation if you're face to face and in comfortable surroundings, and of course this is the right time of year for it.
I do have one antenna-twitch to mention. The one son set up the Medicare coverage, MIL is not confident it's right for her - then her next step should be to say so to the son who set it up, and either change it or have it explained to her why she needn't worry. It shouldn't be to wring her hands about it to somebody else behind that son's back. I won't accuse her of triangulation (not yet, bit premature!) but this is exactly the kind of thing that causes horrible gremlins to infest the family grapevine and it wants cutting out. I hope she doesn't make a habit of it?
They were always quick to criticize me even though I did the most and was always the child closet to my parents and grandparents.
I cared for both of my parents. Daddy died in the hospital several years back. Mom eventually moved into my home and lived with us for just about 15 years. It wasn’t bad initially because she was far more independent and we could leave her alone while we were on an outing.
Then as her Parkinson’s disease progressed she needed more and more care, she started falling down, and we started to feel the impact of caregiving. She grew very dependent on me. Even though it wasn’t her fault it got to be too much. I felt my life slipping away from me.
Caregivers often lose their own identity. I knew that I wasn’t happy with my situation. I realize now I was burning out. I had denied that for a long time.
Too much togetherness caused friction for both of us. I needed to start setting boundaries but she wasn’t very accepting of them.
Mom pitted my brothers and I against each other by complaining about me to them and it pretty much started world war three. I became fed up with all of their criticisms and told my mom and brothers that if they felt like I was doing it all wrong that she could let them take over her care.
So my brother’s criticism backfired on him and now he has mom to deal with. I don’t want anything to do with him after he threatened to report me for elder abuse since mom didn’t get her way with everything. My younger brother isn’t any better than the older one that she lives with now. I don’t have contact with either of them.
Unfortunately, that leaves me out in the cold as far as an attempt to have a relationship with my mother. I’m sad about that. I never wanted an unhappy ending. It is what it is. It’s hard. It’s difficult to absorb.
I realize that I don’t have the power to change the situation. I am doing the best that I can to heal and move forward in my life. I don’t miss the turmoil.
I don’t know how mom is doing because I have only spoken to her briefly on the phone since she left. The conversations weren’t all that pleasant and I don’t want to continue being hurt.
I don’t know if mom will be placed in a facility or go on hospice at his home. I may not even know when she dies. That’s tough for me. As I said, it is what it is.
I will try to remember the times that we were close and had special moments together. She’s 94. I hope she is happy. It’s all I ever truly wanted all my life. I just wanted a happy and harmonious home. Parts of it were joyful and other parts were not.
My grandpa used to say that heaven and hell were right here on earth. There’s a lot of truth to what grandpa said, isn’t there?
You’re such a strong person to be able to let go of the negativity with your brothers even though it means not seeing your mom. I wish you all the best. Hugs to you .
I really think he simply loves her in a healthy way. He has 2 evil sisters that (classically, as we know) criticize him about everything he does for her, every decision he has to make on mom's behalf--and he's philosophical about it. He's my hero and role model (in my dreams).
i have a lot of resentment over this! Suggestions?
In my family, I and my siblings talk regularly. My sister and one brother visit our mother (still lives at home by herself at age 91) a lot. I visit occasionally. My brother who lives out of state visits a few times per year and participates in our discussions about mom.
My only advice is for your husband to ask his brothers (and wives if they agree) for a family meeting to discuss the situation and to explore options to ensure the safety and comfort of their parents. That might work, although it didn't for me. A couple of years after my wife and I moved my dad to our home, I asked for a family meeting, but this request was ignored by two brothers and the two older sisters. Best wishes and good luck.
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