Why does my mom treat me like a maid?

Hello DoingbestIcan,

I should remind you if you've seen any of my questions in my profile that I had an elderly friend who eventually ended up in a nursing home. Dementia or Alzheimer's was definitely mentioned by one of his caregivers and all I can tell you is that my tactic definitely work for me because he did wise up when he saw I was not getting in. I don't know what stage he was, but he was definitely enough to go to a nursing home by force. All I can give you is my experience and what worked for me, and this is the trick that did work for me. Therefore, if faced with the same situation again, I would use the same trick again and again and I would even walk out like I did before. When you get to your wits end, this is something you would do in the situation but only when you've reached that point. I know, I was there and got through it successfully

Hello 1Rarefind, I was not saying "don't give that a try". Of course you should try that. I did it often. It was a fairly early step for me. I'm just saying it did not work. Not for either of my parents. It would take a book for me to explain all the steps we went through, and "just not doing it" was passed long before my wit's end was reached. For example the time I told my Dad that,: "No, I'm not going out to buy him Coca-Cola in the middle of the night.". After several phone calls, and our taking the phone off the hook, we had two police officers show up at our door; because Dad had called 911 with this "emergency". They took Dad off to the ER for ANOTHER psych evaluation. And I had to get up at drive to the hospital and spend the next 12 hours sitting there with him. The before and after of that episode is too much to type here, but suffice to say it would have been a thousand times easier to just go buy the cola. And that wasn't the last time for "I need cola" in the middle of the night. That next time, I was at work (night shift) and he called me up at the hospital where I work. I had to instruct the operator not to put him through anymore. That didn't stop him, so he we to a neighbor's house and they gave him some cola. Then he continued to call me over and over, all day, while I was supposed to be asleep. And needed my phone to be on because I was "on call" for the hospital so I could disconnect the phone that time. Trust me, I've been at wits' end and beyond. Just say no, is not as simple at is sounds.

Supposed to say "could not" disconnect the phone, in that last post.

KIND OF UNANIMOUS .... DON'T DO IT!!

Hello DoingbestIcan,

Just from your description, I thought of a solution at least for your cell phone problem:

Have you gone into your settings, and does your software allow you to block or prioritize certain calls? If not, here's another suggestion:

Have you gone into your settings, and does your software allow you to block or prioritize certain calls? If not, here's another suggestion:

Have you thought of having a separate phone number for your work and just keep the current one for your loved one to call? That way, you can take your work phone with you and leave the other phone at home.

As for your love one calling you at work, you may have to speak directly with the hospital admin about this specific problem because too many calls I've heard can get you fired, which I really don't want to see happen especially if you happen to be a very good worker. I really don't want to half to see your boss come down on you for this. What I would also do if possible is to take away the phone from that loved one who keeps calling you at the worst possible times. I would only do this if it's safer that won't want to not have a phone (at least for a time). In exchange for removing the phone from their care, you would probably want someone sitting with that love one. Should you decide on removing the phone, do it at a time when the phone is laying somewhere and they don't notice. You can then handle it accordingly beyond that. This should at least help you save your job before it's too late, because I really don't want to see you lose that job. I see hospital work as a type of ministry, and I really don't want to see someone jeopardize that, which is what I see happening from your description. A hospital job is actually job security and very good pay, and when you're working in a place where lives are on the line and even being saved, you really don't want someone jeopardizing your ministry work. Your job gives you the money you need to help you survive, and sometimes you have to go into survival mode and do what's necessary to protect your own survival. If you were to lose your job because of this person, I'm sure there would be a certain level of resentment against that person, and it would definitely make it harder for you to find another job later. I've heard of sad stories were someone would keep calling, causing a worker to get fired. In fact similar stories (with sad stories behind them) have actually inspired movies. The most common among them that I've noticed is stories where the worker happens to be constantly telephone at work by the abuser, and the victim ends up getting fired in the end. I see a particular pattern here according to what you're describing. I don't know if there's any abuse going on in your specific case, but I can't say that outsiders can cause workers to get fired, and being fired can make it harder to find another job later. Please don't let this happen to you, especially if you are struggling to raise a family, because it's really the children who will suffer the most if something happens to jeopardize financial stability and security

Hello DoingbestIcan,

Another thing I was thinking is sometimes when someone is alone too much, they tend to wear others down without meaning to. Does your love one happen to live alone? I had an elderly friend of mine who was always on the phone calling people at the worst possible times at times, sometimes just like you're describing. If your loved one does live alone (providing they're still living), you'll definitely want to see if you can hire someone to go and sit with them for the time you can't be there. This person can be anyone that you feel you can trust such as a friend, family member, or a home health care aid. Someone can be hired to sit with that person so that they can be distracted enough to not want to bother people who cannot be there with them such as when they must be working. For example, if your loved one is distracted by someone sitting with them and maybe engaging in activity and conversation, they may not call you and bother you so much at work. When you have a break, you can call to check on them occasionally. With you being a hospital worker, you guys are definitely smart enough to come up with a very clever strategy, I see that generally in hospital workers, because I've had family who also worked in the medical field. You must have the brains to be able to even get your foot in the door, and surely you can come up with a strategy among you and your coworkers. I have confidence in you as I do my foster sister who also works in a hospital, and believe me, those workers are definitely geniuses whether they realize it or not.

Well the separate phone just for Dad would have been a potential idea, if we could have afforded it. Never occurred to us at the time, although affording it would have been the bar. We didn't have the fancy kind of phone with those other potential ideas at the time. Perhaps those ideas will help someone else. As for me, the need to solve the problem is over now, as Dad passed away a couple months ago. The only Alzheimer's patients in my life now are my Uncle and unfortunately, my very close friend, recently diagnosed. But for neither of them am I "the one". They both have at least one closer person who is the main caregiver. And I don't intend to allow myself to be forced into that role again, if I can at all avoid it.

But that business with Dad calling my work, is a perfect example of "you can't just say no". No amount of telling him to stop and warning him that it would get me in trouble ever made a difference to him. There is no way to prevent someone from calling a hospital. If you know the name of a hospital, you can call it. He would have considered my getting fired as a wonderful thing, likely the perfect solutions as far as he was concerned. As it would have given me more time to be at his beck and call. The fact that I needed my pay to live had no meaning for him. That level of thinking would have required him to think about the needs of someone other than himself, which he was no longer able to do. And it would have required him to think about potential future results of his action, which he was no longer capable either. Typical Alzheimer's mentality... ..

And yes, all this was happening during the time he was still living in his own home. (While he fought us on the idea of going into assisted living. And then while we waited for his name to come up on the assisted living wait lists.) You can't just take a person's own phone away from them. It would be both illegal and unsafe. And yes he lived alone then, but already had "companions" come in daily. We'd already arrange a shuttle to and from the Senior center daily, and the hired companions to come in immediately he was home. It didn't stop his calls. On the contrary it just gave me more work to do, with arranging, scheduling and paying them. And it gave him infinite fodder for more calls to complain about them, and inquire about when are they coming, or going, and a million more excuses to call. Meanwhile I still visited him at least every other day, in addition to frequent stops on my way to and from work. Yes he considered himself lonely, but was rarely alone...........So you see, we lived through and tried everything you mentioned and likely every other possibility you can come up with. Been there, done that. None of the solutions really worked. It's just not as simple as it seems to someone not living in the middle of it.

I'm sorry to hear your dad died.

As for the separate phone, I was thinking a very cheap TracFone you can put a little bit of airtime on because there is no contract and you pay as you go by just adding airtime. You never know what kind of situations you'll face later, but at least this is an idea in case you need it later. What you do is you put a little bit of airtime on the track phone which you can get pretty cheap, and when that air time runs out, no more calls until you add more airtime. These are actually "throwaway" phones as people call them, which is why they're so cheap.

I didn't know that you actually could not remove someone's phone if they become problematic to the point of harassment, which sounds a lot like you're describing. If you ever face this kind of similar situation again, maybe getting a cheap TracFone later and giving the person a separate number from your work phone number will be very advantageous. This is how you can prevent anyone from jeopardizing your job, especially since you need that job and other people need you. Best wishes, and my condolences to you

I likely would never have thought of the cheap phone idea, although for the hundreds of calls it would have needed to handle, I wonder how "cheap" it would have been in the end. It's a thought for others, should they need it though. But as for calls to my work, the number he would call there is the hospital's own land line phone, not my cell. It's always my habit to turn off my phone at work; this is a hold over from the old days when it was mandatory to turn them all off in hospitals, due to the interference with our cardiac telemetry monitors. Like I said, anyone who knows the name of a hospital can dial them up on the hospital's land line phone, and ask for whomever they want. No stopping them from trying. And yes, harassment is exactly what many caregivers are subjected to.

OK, here's the trick I was thinking and maybe I should've clarified:

The idea is to put a very small amount of airtime on the cheap TracFone. Only put a few minutes from the cheapest airtime package on the TracFone each month, only once a month. Another thing you could do is to keep the volume all the way down to vibrate or even mute when you don't feel like taking calls. I also have a TracFone and this is what I do. I never answer every single call that comes through, I use text an awful lot since around here text is free at least on our government phones. I'm not sure if free text is widespread among other providers, but I do know a few people who have it. Text may not work in your situation depending on the situation. However, you can set aside a time to do any calls on that phone. You don't have to answer every single call that comes through that phone like you do your work phone. Having a separate phone from your work phone is actually a very good idea. That way, you have one phone with all of your work contacts in it and the other phone has non work contacts.

If you ever face a situation like yours again where someone keeps calling the hospital where you work, you may secretly decide whether or not to transfer to another hospital and just not tell the person you're having a problem with. You would want to make sure the person you're having a problem with does not know where you transferred.

This is an idea that you can use later on, you never know what tomorrow holds and you never know when you may need these tips shared on this site.

What you're describing about to many phone calls just something similar that I went through with my elderly friend. I started realizing that it seemed like you might have been expecting a little too much of me because I started noticing do you want to be with him more and more until it took away from my own personal life. This became so problematic I had to set boundaries and it was awfully hard the first few times I had to politely explain why I needed to leave. He seemed to think I should live there and give up my own home, (which was definitely not going to happen). I explained that I'm on a legal lease and that I was not giving up my home and then I have a life outside of his place. I also explained that I don't sleep too well outside of my special bed and that his bed that he got for me to rest on was too uncomfortable give me a good quality sleep. I further explained that I need to protect my health and well-being by getting the proper sleep which only my bed can provide. I had to further reassure him that I would see him the next day. There were numerous times I had to walk out on him because he was just too hard to handle. He pulled most of his nasty stunts when we were alone. At first I thought no one else knew, but come to later learn others didn't know what he was about. I'm not sure why I wasn't fully warned about everything about him in the very early start, I had to learn along the way. It's not easy to have to watch someone make wrong decisions and suffer preventable consequences. I can't count how many squad rides there were just because he was abusing himself by not taking proper care of his health. I can't tell you how many times he had pneumonia, or how long he was in an endless cycle between diarrhea and constipation. He's gone now but I learned an awful lot in that journey, which is why I can share some nice little secrets from my own experience. No, I didn't answer every little call that came through as it came through, but I only answered one phone call at my earliest convenience. If the same person calls me multiple times, I only answer one of those calls at a time when I actually want to answer calls. Again, I can leave my phone volume all the way down anytime. I can let the call log grow and check it later. When I go down the list I only answer one call per person who called before clearing the call log. This is how I handle multiple calls in a stress-free way.

There are multiple airtime packages with various airtime amounts. Depending on which phone you have will depend on what kind of air card you get. Always go for the absolute cheapest one possible if you must buy airtime out-of-pocket. When I had virgin mobile years ago, you could watch up to five ads per day and learn one airtime minute per ad watched. That was five minutes earned per day. I'm not sure whether or not virgin mobile still does that, but it was good when it lasted. Anytime you're contributing to helping to care for someone or just sitting with them, you can manage high call volumes without letting it stress you out. You really don't have to answer every little call that comes through the TracFone, especially when air time is limited. What you do is treat the TracFone as though it were a government phone and act as though you won't get any more airtime for the rest of the month when you buy the cheapest airtime card available for your phone. That way, high call volumes are less likely to stress you out.

I was thinking top of another idea in case you ever run into another problem of someone else calling you excessively at work:

Have you ever thought of maybe offering one of your favorite coworkers a small tip or treat to just take the calls for you? Yes, I know very well about the strategy of scratching each other's backs through favors and returned favors. Remember, I have family that works in a hospital and I learn as much as absolutely possible about strategies from all walks of life. The most common one is to engage someone to do you a favor, but you return the favor later. Returning favors back and forth really builds your work relationships, making those relationships much stronger, because you never know when you may need to turn to that person again.

Does TracFone still have the problem of recycling its numbers fast and getting in a ton of telephone solicitor calls each day, each one burning up a minute of your time? I bought a TracFone for my trip coming here from TX. The phone rang every few minutes on the trip -- solicitor. I finally had to turn it off. I was also getting calls for people who had previously had the phone number.

You do seem to want to solve a problem that no longer exists. But for the sake of discussion only: Asking someone else to take the calls at work was step number one. Obviously, all those very simplistic solutions were attempted early on. But after that, when simple answers did not work (as I said when I made my first mention of calls to my work,) I asked the hospital operator to stop putting the calls through. Problem solved. This work problem really did not that then, or now need further solving. I was merely using it as an example of how unrelenting someone with Alzheimer's can be in their demands. But, even had I the use of the new "cheap phone" for other purposes beyond work, this new separate phone would never have worked for my Dad. First, the calls he made while I was home were to our land line. No way to put a limit on those calls. The calls to work were to the hospital operator. And even if I had been able to have him use the new number to call, (so that I could put a limit on the calls.) he wouldn't have been able to learn it. (And no way could he have texted me, LOL. I can barely text.) And beyond that is the over riding fact that when you have the responsibility and obligation to take care of someone with a progressive cognitive disorder, you can't just say no. You can't just stop answering their calls, unless you want to get charged with elder neglect. (As mentioned by the police officers who had to come to our door, when turned the ringer off.) Or even worse than that, live with the guilt when they suffer some irreversible harm as the result. As their main caretaker, as his daughter, (and not just a casual friend) saying no, and simply not answering were NOT an option. Because every time the phone rings, that could be the time they are having a heart attack and not just a craving for Coca-Cola. And sure, he should call 911, but he would never do that first. He didn't when he had his stroke. He had Alzheimer's and did not think logically. He called me, repeatedly until I answered. Until you are "the one" with the responsibility, you will likely never see that it's just not simple.

Again, the information is out there in case you ever need it again. It's also out there for others facing very similar situations as yours was, (was meaning past tense). Our world has a very high population rate and someone out there can definitely use the informational tips.
We have elders all around us with dementia or Alzheimer's. Surely someone else out there is having a very similar problem as yours was and can use this information. Perhaps they can take what's offered here and modify it to fit their own needs by coming up with their own strategy.

As for TracFone having solicitors calling and burning up your minutes, I happened to have a TracFone and I occasionally get unknown callers. The only time it would burn up your airtime is if you actually answer those calls. I only answer calls from my contacts list, and ignore the rest. I start by putting my current contacts into my phone when I first get it. I then share my number with only those contacts. Their name usually comes up on my call screen. If it says unknown caller or just a number, I just don't want to answer it. What you can do is to view the missed call but don't call it back. You should click on the call to see the options menu. In order to know what it offers you must look through the options. Some phones actually have the option to block selected numbers, whereas others don't and you must contact your provider. If this isn't possible, just don't answer the call is how I handle it. I'm the same way with my home where company is concerned, I just don't want to answer the door for unexpected company, 😂 especially if it's at the worst possible time. You can do the same thing with your TracFone, you don't have to drop everything just to run to the phone (or even the door!) 😂

Track phones are very easy to use. However, I normally don't keep anything too long. I regularly clear my call log and my inbox and sent folders. This is how I keep my phone from getting too full.

its the disease itself that makes them act this way. its not their fault. I know sometimes it can get tough but you have to remind yourself that "this person is sick and its not their fault. the best thing you can do is take a break or make them feel like he/she is queen or king. its a lot easier to go along with how they treat you than to correct them or argue back. Its never easy but definitely a sacrifice. I have cared for a few patients with Alzheimer's and it wasn't until this time in my life I found a way to control my frustration. I found it through research. I research every day. I can help any individual gain all the benefits they qualify for by all my research. anyone can educate themselves and I have to say Alzheimer's can make a persons personality very negative and also positive so you have to take the good with the bad. Ive been treated like a piece of luggage and told by the Alzheimer's patient that she would never have a child with a man like that, speaking of her husband who is also disabled and their son being Autistic so I know the disease can be awful for everyone involved.

Moved in with my mom 2 years ago to help her she has copd. Yep I too feel like a maid..I do everything while she sits in her recliner and has her D*MN nose in the tv 24/7. She sleeps in her chair eats in her chair and dosent do crap. She manages to get up to use the bathroom (thank God) and up to get her coffee and use the microwave constantly all hours of the day and night. I put dishes in dishwasher and when I come over to her side of the house they are still waiting for me to put away the next day. I wash clothes thought I'd try leaving them in dryer in hopes she would get them out after all they are her clothes and they sat in dryer 4 days until I couldn't take it anymore and I finished them. She goes no where has no interest in anything but tv. It's really getting to me I can't stand her or this situation anymore! People say I'm lucky to have her well I beg to differ looking forward to the day when I have MY LIFE BACK.

Amen, WilmaDean. Your mother sounds like a carbon copy of my own.

WilmaDean - my mother also seems to be a clone of yours and it was a key factor in my decision to MOVE OUT! My mother will not do anything if she thinks she can get someone else to do it for her. If you don't offer, she'll ask. Then nag. Then demand.
My mother also has a habit of trying to maneuver any contact into an opportunity to get something from someone. If I say "How are you?" she might say "Fine, but I could use a glass of iced tea." If I'm making toast and offer to put some in for her when mine pops up, she'll say "No thanks, but make me a couple of fried eggs." I stopped cooking for her even while I was living there because it annoyed me so much to see her sit in her chair until the meal was on the table, get up and return to her chair as soon as she finished eating, and never even carry her own dishes to the sink. Plus she didn't approve of my healthier eating habits and complained that I made too much chicken or she doesn't like broccoli, etc. etc. It drove me crazy - I had to get away from it. Now she eats poorly and it is affecting her health, but I'm not willing to return to "maid" status to make it better.

"If you read a list of Alzheimer's symptoms, you'll see "lack of empathy" on the list. This includes having an inability to see things from anyone else's perspective. The Alzheimer's patient will become totally self centered. If she needs something, she'll see no reason why you shouldn't provide it. If she wants a drink of water, she'll just say "give it to me". No please and thank you. No consideration if you are busy. Just do it. If this person wants some cola from the grocery store, they'll call and order you to go get it. The fact that it's the middle of the night, and you were asleep when they called has no meaning for them. They CANNOT see it from your point of view; only their own. If they want something, then their having that something is the only thing that is wanted. By anyone. In their minds you, and everyone else in the world wants her to have what she wants, now. Empathy is required for a person to factor in the needs, desires and abilities, and most importantly, feelings of others. When empathy is gone you become a mere "thing" to that Alzheimer's person. A thing has no needs, desires, or feelings. And that is how they treat you. ...What to do about it, I don't know. Knowing this helped me understand how my sweet, kind and caring father turned into a self centered, inconsiderate, demanding and thankless dictator. But that doesn't help deal with the situation when you have to put up with it for years and years. I was never able to get him to realize that he was not the center of the universe; and it never got easier."

I appreciate this post as this makes sense to me. I had no idea this is part of the disease process.