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I got into an argument with my Dad today because I was too busy to come stay with Mom whilst he went out.



He tried to guilt trip me about how "you can't abandon your mother."



And I kept trying to tell him that you can't just ring me up randomly and always expect I can drop anything I am doing to come sit with Mom. I have a life. I have a wife.



Here's the thing. My Mom has severe Parkinson's. Very severe. I have pleaded with my Dad and my brothers to get Mom into a hospice or to hire a nurse. But they always complain that its too expensive/intrusive.



I have always warned them, that there will come a time when we may all be occupied.



Taking care of Mom is a 24/7 job.



Just because I am a doctor... doesn't mean I'm always available 24/7. I am married, just as my siblings are married.



Before I was married it was :
"well you are unmarried, so you have the time."



Now that I am married my priorities have to shift.



My Mom isn't getting any better.
If I leave my wife every night to nurse my mother.....its not gonna make my mother heal any better.

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You can't be all things to all people at all times. Plain and simple. Just because your father doesn't "want" to hire in home caregivers doesn't mean you can create more than 24 hours in a day to be all things to all people at all times.

Sorry dad, it's simply impossible for me to fit one more thing into my schedule at this time. How can I help you arrange for in home help for mom?

Don't buy into the guilt trip, it's 100% unwarranted.
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Exveemon, stand your ground.

"I can't possibly do that" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Dad needs to arrange care for your mother.
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Perhaps hiring a CNA would be less expensive and more easily accepted.

Your dad is trying to manipulate you by using FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Knowing what is going on is the 1st step to dealing with it.

Maybe, saying no more frequently will create change?
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Beatty avatar
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Beatty Aug 2022
Did for me.

Suggested alternatives. Over & over. Fell on deaf ears. No change.

Then said no when the phone rang. Over & over & over.

Whatdya know? LO actually COULD call taxis & hire services + much much more...

Fast forward & real change has happened, been sustained & LO is HAPPY about it too! Win/win/win.
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Guilt has lead you here for validation of what you already know.

A very wise person on this site once gave me solid advice, instead of guilt use grief. Grief that you can’t be there for your mom 24/7 because you have a responsibility to yourself and others. Grief is okay, you can move through it. Guilt however, will rob you of all joy you have.

Best of luck to you as you learn to navigate that you aren’t a super human. If you meet one, let me know!
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Rose_Hill Aug 2022
Hi, it seems you have been on this site for a while and have some wisdom and good advice. So I just don't have the personality, the tolerance or the patience, the nice soft warm caring personality to do too much caregiving for my parents. My mother has dementia but she's doing pretty well actually, my dad is a dialysis patient with unmanaged anxiety and unreasonable expectations of what everyone around him is supposed to do to cater to his anxiety. It's seriously unsustainable and very difficult to deal with. So my question to you is, it's not that I don't have the time because I don't work and my husband has a very decent job, its just that I don't want to be around them anymore than I feel is reasonable for me which is three and a half days out of the week. And even then, when I am around them, I don't want to be too close to them for too long..and I just can't stand being in that house too long. My family has a 5 acre farm out in the country, and I just cannot sit in a chair in the living room all day and night when it's not really necessary but it's what my dad expects if he's not being driven around for 10 hours a day to calm his anxiety. I once sat for 12 hours straight in that chair! And on the occasions where my brother and I get up to go outside and do something, my dad will literally follow us and if he can't find us he'll just scream and scream until someone answers him.. I've reached the point now where I ignore his screaming. Which is kind of dangerous because you never know when it might be an emergency... it's really just his way to get us back in the house immediately. I just can't deal with the situation anymore, so my question to you is how do I move from guilt since I know I technically COULD be here and be applying myself greater to them when I AM here, into one of grief? Is that even something that I can do considering that I dont have a job or kids as a literal restriction, I have my own inner character that doesn't allow me to be here more than I am. So I keep seeing myself as being very selfish, but I cannot be literally driven insane. I just end up extremely angry and I can't live like this anymore when I go beyond my limits and overextend myself. It's very emotionally draining and very hard to watch their decline and I just don't have the coping skills or emotional maturity to deal with it and I'm not going to all of a sudden get those either, so I just don't know what to do because I can't live with the guilt but I feel like the guilt may be well placed because maybe I should be doing more?? I don't know. 😓
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As others have said, looking in from the outside clearly your father would be better served with a regular caregiver or hospice for your mother. Yes, it is expensive/intrusive, but that said, it is money well spent for your mother to get the care she deserves, and your father the help/break he no doubt needs. As you said there will come a time when no one else can come. It is the right thing for your father to prepare himself for that inevitability.
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You have been dealing with this for a while. We all know where Dad is coming from but he is not listening to you. It seems when people have been retired for a while, they forget that people have jobs and that they only have about 5 or less hours to themselves during the week. And weekends are for trying to get done what you couldn't in the other five days.

Your Dad needs to realize that Mom now needs more care than HE can handle. Mom is his responsibility and should be his #1 concern as your wife is now to you. Dad can just not pick up and leave when he wants to an expect one of his boys to rush over. My God, your a doctor. Does he really expect you to leave a patient to cater to him? Really, this is unrealistic and if he is only in his 70s, I would worry about this kind of thinking. And when he leaves, does he come right back or does he consider it a night out? Yep, unrealistic. He married Mom for better or worse and this is the worse.

Hospice is paid by Medicare. Yes, in home the family does most of the work. An aide will be provided 3x a week or so to come in and bathe Mom. Usually for an hour but an OP said she was able to get 4 hrs. Other option is a LTC facility with Medicaid paying if there is a money problem. Seems Dad wants it all his way and thats not how life works.
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I agree with what others have said, continue to say "No, I can't help today". Your father will eventually either have to find help or move your mother into a facility. Sometimes it just needs to come to a breaking point.

I was in a similar situation as my father refused to get help for my mother. I couldn't help very often as I have a full time job, married with two teen kids and far enough away that it would be over an hour round trip to come to their place. After several early morning and late night trips up there, I let me Dad know when I could be there and any other time, he would need to find help elsewhere.

If my dad would say, "We need to care for you mother" and try and make me feel guilty, I would agree with him but reiterate that care needs to come from someone else. Just because you have outside help doesn't mean you are abandoning your mother, just finding the care she needs.
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If you are in U,S,A. Medicare covers hospice completely...its free...nurses check in regularly and provide pallative care, treaments, and all medicines are included, nurses' aids & home health come and do baths, grooming, shaving,etc. Sitters can be provided as well. I volunteer with a hospice group and I just visit and sit with patients. so their family can go to appointments or just go for a walk. They can keep you informed with what is going on with their health. So many families resist using Hospice but it is a wonderful gift to most families. People think it means death is eminent, but many are on hospice care for year or more. And you can discontinue at any time. Even if they were against it at first, they are so relieved to have professional care, it takes a huge load off of their shoulders. I hope you can persuade your family to give it a try....
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You need to say I’m done and move on with your life. Let the other family members step up!!
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Being a doctor, they want you there, because they think it is the best thing.
but caring for your mother at night is going to eventually compromise your medical decision making, putting your license and livelihood at risk.
Block EVERYONE’s numbers for awhile. They want to use you for free, rather than listening to you.
‘No’ is s complete sentence.
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Lifesabitch Aug 2022
Thats pretty harsh, block numbers? Let's all remember this is his mom. You do not want emotional baggage after death. Even those making him feel guilty. That's siblings we don't want to lose either. Family is everything. I lost 2 siblings, 5 of us left, one is in rehab. The remaining 4 are taking turns staying with mom so she can die at home, for 7 weeks now. Mom lives an hour from us all. We are doing this. we have our ups and downs with each other. But we are doing it. We have her funeral planned and say we are ready. We arent. She is 94 her birthday is in 3 weeks. They said she would die a month ago. Yet here we still are and mom just rallied. Everyone's going thru it on different plains united by parents. Don't be bitter, be better. It's very hard no matter how you dice it up.
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