We are expected to be civil and thoughtful and understanding when dealing with selfish siblings who don't help and show no gratitude for what we're doing. We have to be on an even keel for the LOs we do care for regardless of what abuse they heap on us or how many tantrums they throw or how they may disrespect us and our time and/or lives. All while we're literally and euphemistically wiping their a**.
Where did this idea come from? WHY should caregivers be some kind of superhuman creatures who take hour after hour, day after day and year after year of s*** thrown at us. And we're supposed to do it without being resentful and with a smile on our face so as to not upset the LO we care for.
Go find any article on caregiving, lack of sibling involvement, how to deal with a difficult LO...they all say the same thing. The caregiver has to be the controlled, measured adult in every situation.
What. The. Hell??????? Where did this idiotic notion come from and does anyone realize how horrible this makes a caregiver feel when they are robbed of their humanity in this way?
Someone on the forum wrote, "No one else will save you! You must do it yourself!"
This has become my new guiding words. It helps a lot to get empathy from others. In practical terms however, no one will save you. You must do it yourself.
I feel I'm at the point you mentioned "No one will save me. I have to do it myself." I will have to put up with the wrath of family, the disapproval, the fights, the accusations of selfishness, how this is all my fault, I made my bed now lie in it, etc. Because THIS is who these people are.
But I really just can't suck it up anymore. When I get to the point where I'd rather just not exist, I know something has to be done. I can't allow myself to be voiceless anymore. The toll is just too great.
Thank you so much for your response!!!
Baby steps.
Make an end date--July 1
Identify resources (SS, pension, house, Medicaid). Find a CELA lawyer if you don't have one.
Identify level of need through a needs assessment--AL, NH, MC.
Identify 2 or 3 facilities.
Set YOUR move out date and details if you are living with mom.
Inform family.
If necessary, take mom to the ER for a social admit.
This is a rough plan, but I'm sure you can flesh it out.
I so hope in your position I would be able to stand up for myself. I don't like confrontation so not sure how I would handle your situation. I do know, if I was getting abused from both sides, I would be placing the LO someplace. Since I have no patience, I would have blown up by now for sure. Just because its a parent does not mean you put up with the abuse.
Your burnt out and only you can say "no more".
Its so good to hear you both telling honestly how you feel.
Its so important to do it and to know you're being heard.
Sometimes things get really tough and I have to cry.
I feel so very very sad sometimes
I can honestly say love hurts, the truth can hurt, and it needs to
be spoken.
Sending you much much love and encouragement.
Sounds like you need time off...and more help.
You want to go out standing...
Amen...
If you no longer can handle the caregiving situation as it is you can back off and let someone else step in or up.
You can hire (the person you are caring for pays) caregivers that will take over some of the time and duties that you are doing.
Go find any article on caregiving and I think you will also find that taking care of yourself is a priority, BOUNDARIES are a priority. Burnout is real. No one can be a caregiver 24/7/365.
You will find that when you have the proper tools, and by tools I mean more help, proper equipment, boundaries are set and accepted that you can do a lot more and tolerate more.
BUT there comes a time when despite all that you have done if you can not SAFELY care for this person any longer that you need to stop. That may mean placing them in a facility that fits their individual need (Memory Care, Skilled Nursing, Assisted Living). If others in the family do not agree then they can assume the caregiver role.
No one has to be a caregiver to anyone else's kids, or for their sick, needy, and elderly relatives. A person's reasons are their own for doing it. Sometimes it's out of love. Sometimes it's out of guilt and some misplaced notions of obligation and duty to the person. Sometimes it's to preserve inheritance so everything an elder had doesn't get handed over to a nursing home or hired homecare.
No caregiver has to be the controlled, measured adult with do- nothing siblings. Sometimes a person has to go off on their family in order to be taken seriously. You need to. If you're not interested in being the caregiver anymore, stop being one. End of story. If your siblings don't like it, they can damn well come and do it themselves. Or arrange for different caregiving services. Quit being a doormat because people will walk all over you.
The caregiver has to be controlled and measured when dealing with the people they care for because the caregiver can never allow a situation to ever get beyond their control. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years to more people than I can remember. Believe me I did not have a smile on my face every moment. I learned early on not to allow abusive behavior. Dementia or not I don't tolerate it. If a client was too far gone from dementia that I couldn't maintain control in the home and get the work done, I dropped that client from my service. At that point they belong in a care facility because homecare isn't meeting their needs anymore. I don't tolerate 'Senior Brats' acting up for one moment either. My own mother included in that group. Any client of mine who wanted to engage in a bit of verbal or physical abuse (biting, hitting, kicking, spitting, I've had them all) with me, I walk away. They can go hungry, stay in their soiled diaper, and fight with themselves because I will completely ignore them like they're not even there. Clients almost always come around a little while after a tantrum. The same way little kids do. Then the care can get done. Sometimes a caregiver has to give a little bit of it back. I've also done that many times.
You never have to tolerate an abusive situation. Not as a caregiver and not as a human being. You don't deserve abuse and your life, needs, and wants are just as important as anyone else's including who you take care of.
My last client I had to quit, because it was a case of not being able to complete the necessary tasks on the care plan. She was the most combative and spoiled individual I had ever met.
There's no shame in placing a LO in a nursing facility. There they'll get the care they need, it'll be administered by people who chose the profession and are trained for it, and it frees you up to be the emotional support for your LO.
And yes, you have to be the adult when dealing with someone who has dementia. That's called empathy, compassion, and maturity. If you can't do that, then remove yourself from the situation.
No boots on the ground equates to your opinion doesn't matter and you have no say, except the date and time I can drop her off for you to care for.
You matter! Please, please find a way to change this situation before you become a statistic.
You have gone above and beyond to help give her a better quality of life, well done! Job over.
LO = Loved one
LOs = Loved ones
Vito, you are a son. And elderly mothers often treat their sons quite well: praising, grateful, sweet.
That’s not the case for many elderly mothers towards their daughters.
I’m always surprised at men who don’t realize mothers often treat sons and daughters very differently/unfairly.
Please find yourself again. HUG.
And Happy Easter!
Most likely you’re not being psychologically tortured every day by your elderly family member.
For instance-I learned today (listened in to his phone call in another room-while doing paper work for his medicade), that my husband's daughter left him alone all weekend. I thought she would be here, I'd get some respite time. If either of them had called me, I would have come right back-only went two and a half hours away. Oh, it gets better-she's studying to be a.....nurse.
He has early dementia, has has some dizzy spells that can include falls, has wandered in the past (at least the local cops know about it now) on a lot of medications, lots of other health issues. His daughter is aware of the dementia diagnosis-don't think she knows all the other issues.
I am really, really upset about this. Yet, the sites that say I have to be angelic, kind and perfect with stuff like this, obviously never had a day like this one.
My husband is suggesting that his daughter comes to visit for another weekend, (thinking I don't know what happened), as well as his telling her he'll be ok if she does not stay the entire time. OMG.
Just had to vent....this is nuts.....thanks for any and all feed back.....
perhaps next time you want to get away, put him in respite care facility or a paid caregiver..Hugs 🤗
Every job description I read says the exact same thing you've written about. I don't feel that way. Caretaking is h#ll. Many caregivers have died because of the stress of taking care of another individual. I had siblings that didn't help out and were actually mad because I stayed in the house to take care of my sick sister. This older sibling kept calling Adult Protective Services making up false reports. I paid all of the bills, bought the groceries, housework, and laundry. However, according to them, I wasn't doing enough.
I look at the OP’s letter, and I’m thinking that if we substitute any other traditionally “Women’s jobs”, such as teacher or nurse, all of the expectations hold true.
Yes, I know that there are some men on any faculty. Retired teacher here. 👩🏫
There are male nurses. Experienced hospital patient, too. 🤨
Women are expected to put up with things that men would NEVER be expected to, if men were the majority in a profession.
Treated like garbage? “Well, you signed up for this!” Would the same thing EVER be said to a man? I think not.
Exhausted, I did 24 hour care of my mother for only 6 weeks. I became bedridden from the stress.
Do WHATEVER you can to save yourself.
I am cheering you on from here.
Now for an elder who doesn't have dementia and treats their caregiver poorly, I have a lot less patience. And siblings who don't help and/or criticize deserve no quarter.
I happen to believe that no ONE person should ever be responsible for caring for an elder who needs 24/7 care. It's simply more than one person can handle and that is what causes the burnout and frustration. If there aren't additional family members or paid caregivers sharing the load (on a daily basis not just respite care), they should be receiving care in a professional setting (i.e. nursing home). It's beyond selfish to insist one is "never going to a nursing home" because sometimes there is no other option.