Why don't I like my Mom anymore? Feeling so guilty.

I wish my parents would move to an environment where they could make some friends and get involved in activities, but they won't, because that's what old people do, and they hate old people. They are shut ins in their home. Maintaining the home is the only source of activity and goals. Outside of housework and yard work they do nothing. No friends, no hobbies, no activities. No computer, very little TV (they think TV is for people of a lower intelligence), very little reading (they used to be avid readers). They have boxed themselves in for year into a vicious cycle and now are looking to me as their only connection with the world. I run a business, work 6 days a week, have my own home to take care of, and I'm not getting any younger myself. On the verge of 50, and have been hoping there is something their for me in terms of enjoyment, before I am too old. I've not been away on vacation in 3 full years. I feel guilty but I'm just not willing to sacrifice my hard earned future...besides which, I know there is not one darned thing that will make them happy. Not one thing.

You shouldn't have to, Upstream. One of the problems in thought I see at the present time is that people hunker down in a house. The community about them changes and all the neighbors get younger and younger. The older people are moving to retirement communities or dying. This leaves the hard-core "I am going to die in this house" people isolated in a house that becomes like their prison. Since they don't want to leave, it means that they have to hire people or a family caregiver has to eventually come in.

The answer to me seems so simple -- un-nail their feet from the floor and move to a community where people are the same age. If we change our thinking, we would just see this as another milestone of life. The way it is now is that a family caregiver often has to donate the years they would be going overseas or our RVing to staying home taking care of parents. If they don't do it, they are called selfish for not taking care of the parents. With lives going upward to 100 years now, we really do need to change our thinking on things. In the old days, elders tended to do okay until they were taken by something like heart attack or stroke. Now they can have that same event and live another 10-20 years. It is too much of a commitment from a caregiver to satisfy their parent's desire to not move. Really, if we consider the trade-off, it is most unfair. Why should someone donate 10-20 years of life so their parent doesn't have to move? (You know, I feel selfish saying this. I'm still caught up in the old logic that kids need to make their parents happy, whatever the cost.)

JessieBelle, that is so true. I'm in my late 40s. My parents do not live under the same roof as me but are within walking distance. They have been a burden for 5 years. But, I expect one or both will live for at least 20 or more years. So, what does that mean for my future? My marriage? My business? My social life? My finances? I don't mean to sound selfish but goodness! They have completely isolated themselves, no family, no friends, no community activities such as church. I am the ONLY outlet. Can I take this for 20 more years?

This brought up something I've been thinking lately. I don't know if the elderly are supposed to live with younger people. Requirements are so different. The older person doesn't need the bulky food and likes to keep it warm. Eating like the elder and living with the heat can take years off the younger person. Quite often both in up stranded in a limbo of social isolation with each other. At a private home, there are no people the elder's age to interact with. The communities are mostly younger people. And as the care receiver ages, the caregiver has to stay home to care for them, isolating themselves and maybe quitting a job to do so.

Lifestyles have changed from the days of old, where people had big houses on their country farms and elders died young. Still we are stuck in the old mentality of caring for elders. What I would like to see the baby boomer generation do is start breaking away from this old model that doesn't work anymore. Senior living communities sound marvelous -- social interaction and looking out for each other, freeing the younger people from having to tolerate the warm temperatures and things that often go with aging.

Still don't know how to fit dementia into the rosy picture. It is happening so much now. The villages they have in Europe (Denmark? Holland? I forget) sound wonderful, but I don't think the US would spend that kind of money.

Not liking mom these days and hate sister and siblings. Can’t believe I said that word and have started to have those feelings. I feel guilty for not being tough enough to see things through but I need to step back and detach for my sanity although I fear for dad's safety. They are so incredibly negative, choose to bicker and sabotage each other's happiness every single day. They try to drag me into the middle.

Not liking my parents these days. I feel guilty but I have had to step away during the past 6 months and detach. They are so incredibly negative, choose to bicker and sabotage each other's happiness every day. They drag me into the middle and I no longer have a relationship with them other than being a pin cushion sounding board. Sorry for the rant. I have no answers except that, for me, to detach and focus on the good things in my life is what I realize I must do to survive.

Oh my goodness i feel like i just wrote this, i too have MS and am taking care of my mother. It is destroying me. I am at a lose i dont even feel like living sometimes. I miss my privacy and my relationship with my husband. My mom and i fight a lot, she is passive aggressive and wants to be involved in every aspect of my life. I feel bad because i know shes lonely but i just cant do it all.

Does "always taking care" of a parent only mean having them live with you? If you were to find a small and cozy assisted living place - one of the house-sized ones with no more than 5 people - wouldn't that count as taking care of her? Most likely Mom's snarkiness would vanish in the presence of strangers. In a month's time you'll probably be wondering 'who on earth are they talking about - funny, kind, social - MY MOM?'
If it doesn't, placing her in a clean place that dignifies her is also you taking care of Mom always. Then you get to take care of YOU always.

Until my mom and I agreed to some boundaries and defined the difference between "wants" and "needs," I was going back and forth from home to the ALF two and three times a day. My mom was a good mother and worshipped the ground I walked on; I can only imagine how some of you are dealing with narcissistic and toxic mothers! I ended up in counselling, too. After mom and I worked things out, I still felt responsible to be a devoted daughter and put her first in my life. As a result of that, I almost lost my marriage. My husband cared enough about me to wait until her death, but then he had taken my neglect of him and our home as long as he could. It took over a year of venting and compromise to save our relationship. Thank goodness, we worked things out and rediscovered our love for each other. So, if those of you who are sacrificing your husband's needs to put mom first, be prepared for what nearly happened to me. Mom was in a safe environment and had all she needed for a comfortable life. Even the best of mom's sometimes want us to devote our lives to them and become demanding. Put hubby and children first once mom is safe and receiving care. My heart goes out to all of you. There were times I wondered if I would ever have enough time to just sit down and read a book.

Rkello - you have stepped up to the plate - checked through APS on her safety, etc. Ignore the neighbors - they probably want you to take her off their hands. Since she is competent to make her own decisions, why not let her do so - and take the consequences. Whatever you might do to try to help her, she would probably not appreciate it, cooperate with you or take any notice of your suggestions. She probably would love the nasty drama, but that is her problem and no need for you to get involved. Doubt if you would accomplish much in any case, so why not save your sanity, energy and time. I'd follow APS advice, and leave her to get on with whatever. Sounds like one of those cases where you had a biological parent, not a real one.

Cindy, why should you feel sorry for someone who makes no attempt to help themselves, or others (when it is possible for them to do so)...None of us can take responsibility for making anyone else happy..it is not possible to do so and no need to feel guilty because you cannot. And why not feel resentment at someone who simply drains your energy, sucks your lifeblood? Perfectly normal and healthy actually. You need to take care of yourself and avoid stress wherever possible. This is just as serious an obligation morally as taking care of mom. And why isn't mom in assisted living? Who started this idea that caring for a parent demands hands on caregiving, sharing a home, etc.? After all, as we all grow older, develop health problems, etc., we can expect our lives to change, often not in the ways we desire. That's reality. I don't think anyone has the right to drain the life out of another person making them enable a lifestyle for the elder that is no longer tenable without a lot of support. Basically, when you can't do it yourself, or pay for someone else to do it for you, then time to figure out how to avoid having to do it at all. As for "promises" - have you considered talking to a clergyperson, spiritual advisor or someone whose moral compass you trust? I found that the morality of promises was a lot more complicated than I thought - that there are situations where the promise was never binding because emotional extortion was involved, or no longer binding because of the change of circumstances that invalidated it.

Maggie, the original post is from last February. There is a recent new question a few posts back ...

"I promised to take care of her."

So TAKE care of her! Do you think she's happy in your home knowing darned well she's making you miserable? She's miserable too!!

At 89, one would think she'd be ready for assisted living, not an apartment; certainly if not right now, in a year or two highly likely.

Put all of your frustrated energy into exploring options for you mom - assisted living facilities. You think that's some kind of PUNISHMENT? You are sooo wrong.

Right now, even aside from knowing she's an intruder in your home and making you miserable, she's socially isolated. Probably allowed very little choice in the big scheme of things.

In an ALF, she'll have a menu from which to choose her meals. She'll have people her own age to gossip with and talk about. She'll have plenty of stimulation in the form of social programs to attend or not as she chooses. Don't want to hear the Frank Sinatra impersonator tomorrow afternoon? That's okay. Wait for Monday. They're having a magician. Don't feel like taking a nap? Go sit in the common room and people watch for a while.

Does it take some adjustment? Of COURSE. My goodness, an 89-year-old doesn't even want to change what cereal she eats in the morning. But I predict in no time at all she'd be much happier than she is at your house.

And so would you.

When you have all the information, have a talk with her about it. Take her on a guided tour of the facility you've selected. Maybe arrange to go on a day they have a program . . . have the Admissions Director introduce her around, etc.

Assisted Living isn't a snake pit. It's a wonderful opportunity. Why are you torturing yourself?

Rkello,

Here is what well-respected therapist Pauline Boss has to say about that subject, in her book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" (This particular passage is not specifically about dementia.)

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
Does she then suggest you just walk away? Not exactly:
"Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

I think you are doing the best you can do, Rkello. I am hoping this professional's opinion will help you ditch the guilt and shame.

I am at such a low point. My mother had a mini stroke about a year ago. My mother lives in a different state and I am an only child. I spent two weeks with her after her stroke. She was mean, said the nastiest things to me and made me cry; I am a grown man and she brought me to tears. My mom is a bully by nature and has always labeled herself as a victim. In her opinion no one has had it worse than her. My moms neighbors have called me over the past year telling me that she continues to deteriorate. I have sent countless letters to her doctor and filed three cases with APS. APS has told me that they have investigated and she is fine. Until she does harm to herself or there's there is nothing they can or will do. I also called a lawyer to seek advice, and he reiterated what APS told me. My mother and I are map now estranged because she is so difficult to be around and her neighbors don't want to help her for the same reasons. My mom was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child. She raised me as a single parent and I know that wasn't easy. If she weren't my mother I would have nothing to do,with her because she is so toxic, and I feel ashamed and guilty for feeling this way; like some kind of monster. I want her to be okay. I want her to be safe. But, I just do not like or want to be around her. What should I do?

I just started counseling to cope with my caregiving problems. She told me do not accept the guilt card and take care of your own health. Mine has been suffering from years of running up and down during the nights especially in the winter 4 and 5 times a night. I finally saved enough money to get a little help in. but now my boyfriend has ended up in the ER with anxiety attacks and lost his job...
I am trying to keep going......but mom is going along same as usual..all her usual troubles but nothing about us..

So I say again..take care of yourself!! love her but try to get some support before your health breaks...

I used to be close to my mother but then my child and I shared an apartment with her for a few years. At the time she was only around 75. She drove us nuts. She has no interests of her own so she lived our lives and for two years I had no privacy, no dates, did nothing that she didn't have comments about. It was awful Some women of that generation live through their children. We had to move because I couldn't stand it any longer and I was becoming irritable and stressed. If your mother is able to live independently, find her a small apartment near you and try to find her a roommate. You are too young to have your mother run your live and run down your already compromised health. You can still look in on her - but your husband should come first.

Too be honest I never got along with my mom and moved away when I was 16. I still dont get along with her so well but it is what it is and I feel sorry for her because the love of her life died 5 years ago and she has been alone here for 3 years, now that I am here I don't know how she did it, and she really has no friends.Now she has lung cancer on top of the demetia and has been in the hospital 4 times since I have been here...March 21013...I'm Linda by the way...or Linderella as I like to say!

...about the hearing aids - are the batteries working? Does she change them? Check it.

I used to think that I was a nice person, that is, until Mom moved in with us! I too, feel guilty that I wish she would just stay in her room. At times, her mere presence drives me crazy. Then there are times that we talk and the love comes rushing back. Having her with us is a blessing and a curse, since at times, I feel like I'm not the person I thought I was. I love having all of you to commiserate with. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not quite as bad as I think I am!

Also, just be sure her hearing aids are fine tuned. Take her to a ear, eye, nose & throat specialist. I did this and was lucky they also did hearing tests and supplied hearing aids, maximizing their wear. You don't necessarily have to take her to a doctor.

I go through more or less the same as you. I'm 59 and I've moved into mom's house and am seeing to her care. She has Alzheimer's. There are times when I don't like her at all - but I love her and will always love her. I don't think we can always be close or best friends with our parents. It seems that the disease enhances whatever little characteristics we found annoying. Mom becomes obsessed on certain questions or subjects and will just keep asking them each and every time she sees my face. I too hide from but what has been my saving grace is I hired a caregiver to take over during the day. This gives me the time I need for myself and takes a tremendous burden off. You might consider this or perhaps Adult Day Care - a Senior Center if she can be by herself any. Some type - any thing to give you respite. You have to do something. Prolonged stress is - believe me - a killer.

that was a good story and so true of what I am going thru myself....rum is my best friend

Cindy, I bet when you promised your Mom you would take care of her, she was probably a much younger woman, quite independent, had friends, etc.

When I was younger I thought it would be great to have my parents live with me. Gosh, I would still have my career and it would be like "Father Knows Best" coming home to a cooked meal, clean house, and mowed lawn. I never pictured my parents being in their 90's. I never pictured my Mom being almost deaf/blind. I never pictured my Dad never driving again. I never pictured them always napping. Gone are the great conversations. Now Dad likes to tell stories of his childhood/college years which I have heard 100 times, and to converse with my Mom I am lucky if she catches one word to even know what the subject matter.

I had never promised them that I would take care of them when they got older, they probably assume I would since I am an only child. They are still living independently in their own house, but I know some day that will change. How I wish they would move now into a retirement community [lot of really great ones here in my area] so that they can get use to the place and to meet new friends... look at all the new ears Dad would have for his stories. And my parents would have MORE control over their lives instead of always depending on me to fulfilled their outside needs. And my visits would be QUALITY time, instead of being an errand person.

You dont say if your mum has any mental issues? I would suggest AL so she will be with people her own age. I loved my old mum although she was an unhappy person she was a good mum. This monster who has taken over her i dont know and yes i dont like her much anymore but i keep telling myself this is not my mum this is an illness and that my old mum is gone now and even though i never promised her id look after her i am here now doing this but its no picnic its the hardest thing ive ever had to do and i too feel guilty for not wanting to be around her anymore like another post says "i hideout" bedroom, bath, garden, shop, coffee shops, malls go for walks anything but listen to the constant "can you do this". I know like everyone we have nothing to feel guilty about we are doing our best if i wasnt here my mum would be dead.
If your mum is just "old and crabby" with no real health issues then suggest AL as you are not in good health and this will make YOU worse. I had a stroke in Jan so ive HAD TO let alot go for my own sanity. I promised myself id have my own house a great man and a few kids at this stage of my life but it hasnt happened so dont eat yourself up with "promises" no matter where your mum is you can still be a loving daughter to her but having her living at your home is just not working out so maybe start looking at an alternative. This is going to get worse not better so think ahead wouldnt it be great if she was around her own age group and you could take her out and spoil her like some daughters get to do.
I am DONE and mum needs to go into a NH soon and i cant wait to "visit" her and try and be her daughter again as right now im a miserable, stressedout, depressed, fat unhealthy, sad woman who cant do this anymore. If you asked my friends to describe the person i was before this crap? funny outgoing always cheered others up game for anything slim healthy always travelling yep the "world was my oyster". Now im a sad old "CAT LADY" and only 48yrs old.
Yep give me an animal anyday now thats "unconditional love". Have to go now "mothers calling me" from upstairs shes no hearing aid in and dosnt matter how loud I scream up she cant hear me then shell say "dont you dare shout at me like that".
Honestly though this caregiving really is a "HOOT". NOOOOOOOOOOT

Your son is right. He sounds like a smart young man. Did you make him promise that you could live with him forever? A hundred bucks says you didn't. No mother who really loves her child would do that. Your mother's neediness and sarcastic remarks are making your illness worse. She needs her own place.

You are not alone, my parents are in their 90's , I'm your age. My dad has failing health, my mom is doing fine, and his primary caregiver, still at home which is amazing. However my mom is childlike too, tells us we don't care, we aren't there 24-7, is mean and manipulative, complains about everything all the time, we get her extra help, she cancels it, we arrange for her home care, cleaning , and meals ,she cancels them, like a child she finds something wrong, not the right time, doesn't like the veggies, doesn't like,the age of caregiver, can't win. She's stubborn and independent yet she's tired and cranky from caring and doing all the work, I don't visit often now, it's sad, I used to take my children there a lot, we used to visit often, now I ask myself. Do I want to ruin my day?, I have a life, a hubby, children etc. I have things that need to be done...yet ahe thinks her needs should come first, she wants someone to sit and watch tv with, company, and a driver. She does not drive, she won't take.a cab. She acts like a spoiled child. Yet for something she wants to do like bingo, or shopping she will find a way to get there. I live about 40 min away. We are,the generation of adults looking after the aged, people never used to,live so long, so we can't feel guilty. Just do what you can and that will be good enough. Hire help if need be and have some time for you. It's important and not selfish. I commend you for taking your mom into your home.

I feel your pain. I don't like my dementia dad much these days. I Love him but liking him isn't there anymore. I do feel guilty about it...until he tells me to F*&^ off and then I'm not so bad. I went the other day after one of his spells where I was the devil and he's the saint, into the bathroom for well you know what for ... and he follows me and starts knocking and banging on the door, this is not the first time he's done this... like its his way of acting out. I am sorry for your pain and the guilt you feel but I think its normal for this stage... good luck

In this time of need, lean on your husband. Don't forget also that your husband is your number one priority not your mother. Don't feel guilty. I have experienced first and second hand what you are going through.

There isn't a post I haven't read that doesn't describe the emotional ups and downs I have had since caring for my mom, I thought I was alone until I started reading here, now I realize our situations are do similar. I have had days when I wish she'd die and be at peace, other days I have wanted to go myself, others I'm just lost in sadness and frustration. I still care, I pray that whatever decisions I make are the right ones. Think of the good years you both had, even if you place her somewhere you will not abandon her, you are a good daughter, I wish there was a manual for this problem but every situation is different, some make it through the end being the caregiver, some allow the responsibility to go to someone else. Whatever the case, we are all good children doing the best we can with what we have been handed. I pray for you and your loved one.