My mother has been in a NH for a year (Parkinsons, dementia) and during that time has broken a hip and had a stroke. A life long A1 narcissist she had few friends, acquaintances actually, not really friends. One "friend" has been to see her a couple of times, the second time out of guilt at being gifted an expensive ring (which I had no problem with - they're a matched pair and I have the other). The other remaining friend insisted if she was close by she'd visit every day. 45 minutes away, retired and with a car, she hasn't visited once.
Every time I run into the first friend she says "Tell your mother I'm coming to see her soon" - I don't as she never does. I would add that both of these women are single, no children and don't work.
My mother desperately wanted to see my house about 15 minutes from the NH so yesterday, taking my handyman with me as I can't lift her into the truck, I picked her up for the short drive. We drove around the house and the back 40 and I brought the dogs (one formerly hers) out into the backyard for a ball game. After that we went over to the next road to get some free range eggs so she could see the chickens, pet turkey and other animals.
She was pretty much incoherent and kept falling asleep. We've never been close but I've done my duty by her and I know she's just too weak to ever leave the NH again. Her condition deteriorates horribly by the day such that I doubt she'll make it into the New Year. Last evening I called friend #1, told her of my mother's condition and said if she planned to visit she might want to do it soon. She said she would, but will she?
Part of me says, being a total narcissist, my mother has never been a true friend to these people, actually not even to me or my father, another part says they're avoiding because it's unpleasant and "there but for the grace of God..." (though friend #1 takes her dog visiting NHs every week) and another part of me says they're just plain selfish and makes me want to lash out at them. It's the principle of the thing somehow. I've decided not to call or update again. I guess you can't force people into giving more than lip service to being compassionate.
I have no family and I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
The second point is very common. People can become vulnerable as they age from the "there but for the grace of God go I" syndrome. That's often the reason people resist nursing home and hospital visits in general, even when they care deeply for the person who is sick. They may not be aware of that fact themselves and they may have many excuses, but in the end they know that they, too, could be in this very situation and it frightens them.
You have done, and are doing, everything possible. Your last excursion had to be wearing but you did it anyway. I wouldn't worry about the friends, in that it just takes energy from you. You can't make people want to visit or insist that they get over their fear. It sounds as if your mother doesn't have long to live, so if she does ask about these friends, simply say you're sure they'll visit when they can. Then move on. Give what you can to your mom, even though she was less than ideal as a mother (to put it nicely). Once this is all over you will know you've done your best.
Please contribute to this community any time and watch for answers from others who've been in similar situations.
Do try to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol
Blessings to you and mom,
L
The staff at the NH are wonderful and take great care of her. There's nothing more that can be done except keep her comfortable. I doubt she'll make it into the New Year.
See All Answers