Why is my grandmother so overbearing?
I am 38 and and the primary care taker to my almost 93 year old grandmother. I wouldn't say she is 100% but she refuses to believe she is a old lady and won't give up cooking or cleaning writing bills. She has always been the dominate grandparent. I was raised by her since I was 2 and fast forward 36 years I'm the only left to care for her. My father has been paying her bills for 18 yeara and it's almost bow bleeding him dry and he has his own home and life. I am not married or have children. She has always been a dominant woman never liking any friends male or female I brought home. Always finding fault. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She is obsessed with cleaning. Has always been ocd with that. Nothing is to her liking. She could watch u wash the dishes and when ur done she will.get u.and double check they were done HER way. I stood working 4 years ago to move in and take care of her since she had a few health issues that required a womans help. She is vdry modest and won't let men see her naked so having my help is out of the question. Her older daughter died at age 60 and her younger one had a.stroke and isn't all here to help me. I have felt so trapped and isolated In this house with her for the as year. I work part time herr and there at odd jobs but its only to help me get buy. She doesn't pay me and thinks living in her house for free is enough
I have bills and want to go out. I want to add my mother had drug issues and never was a mom. She was in and out of my life and I have seen her in 22 yeara so my gma was my mother figure. It wasn't all bad but now I feel I am.having my life sucked out of me and I'll be to old to have kids. My bf is VERY understanding since he had a grandma live with him til passed away at 94. I see no end in site. Her brother will turn 97 soon. We have had 3 people live to over a 100. My father comes over herr everyday and I hate it. I tell bim.u have ur own house live there but my.grandmother refuses to stop coming dinner for him every night. At my age I don't need to.see my father. I'm to old to see him.every day. He starts to treat me the way he did when I was a teenager asking who im.with what I'm dping I either never answer or tell him what he wants to hear. She is ocd with him. Says who will take care of ur father?.he has no wife. He is a grown man of 66 I think he can cook a egg or make ceareal. Everything has to be in a.certain place or she flips out. Nothing can.be untighty. If ur reading the paper u better make damn sure u stack them stright no mess. She always ran a very tight ship.all my childhood toys are still in the attack in the boxes. Everything had to go back in the box. Did I ad I'm a only.child! Feeling so trapped. I lost 40 pounds w years ago from a bad long term break up only to gain it back and then some..I'm a late night wine drinker and snacker. My only time to myself is at night. This woman never sleeps. Maybe 5 hours a night. Has 6 tvs in her hkuse and 3 are always on 100!!. My phrase I use alot with my friends is serenity now!! I don't have much money so going out is never something I can afford. My bf takes us to.dinner once a week. I have less friends.cause they aren't aloud over and less friends want to deal.with me. I have to plan my.life around her and no one undersrands that. I can't just pic up and go. She hates t be alone. Wants to talk to me all the time. I sell stuff on ebay or etsy or fb pages to try to make money but she hates that and tells me the irs is watching and is gonna come to her house one day. Ehh I have no health insurance so I never go to.the dr nor can I afford to talk to someone. I'm the escape goat that's dealing with this since I failed to marry early in her eyes. I lived life had fun traveled alot in my was no regrets there. I have asked for help from.so many fI'll only to yes Mr to deal snd never come through. Family womders why im dressed all the time. I hate my life. I see no end in site and that's what bothers me. I want help and no where to find it. She still pays for a car and insurance (she doesn't drive) but says she needs it when she goes to.the drs that's like once month all while.I ha e asked her to let me.buy the car and we.can share it. My car is on its way out. The transmission is going. Her answer NO ITS MINE! I can cook cause she thinks I don't know how. It's HER KITCHEN! Ig u drop water or.spill something it's like the world ended. If u go in the kitchen for food she will follow me and make comments on my waleight and if I eat that it will.go right to my hips. Wtf. No wonder why I eat crap.at night im.starving all.day just to satisfy her. I make food when she is in the bathroom which could take a while. I guess I just wanted to vent. I follow this page for a while abd final decided to add my 2 cents! #Serenityknow! Oh did I mention she was a WA C in the army! My house has always been like walking on eggshells. Am I getting jekyl or hyde today?
It is good to vent and good to consider options.
What would you do if you get married or have a baby? Thirty something is very young these days, especially with family nearing 100.
You story sounds similar to the movie Sleeping With The Enemy. You deserve to be happy in life, we all do. Yet, there is a time and place for everything. Don't lose hope and continue in love and peace. Therein you will find Serenity.
She will fight death. Her personality. She was and still is the dominate grandparent. My grandpa was very easy going and she was always yelling at him. We got along really.well. if she was yelling and ahe couldnt see.him behind her chair she would turn to yell at him more and he would wink at me and pretend he was sleeping. I had a good childhood just different. I was dressed like it was the 60s mary janes and dresses. I didnt have friends over much. Ahe didnt like her stuff touched. I had 2 toy poodles who were my besties. Is dress them in doll clothes. Always had good homemade food.while most of my friends parenta worked and they ate fast food. When i did have friends over they were amazed by the food we had.
It is, obviously, in case that needs saying, not your fault that you were born and not your fault that anything turned out as it did.
But. You know what. If I'd lost my daughter to uterine cancer, and my youngest child had suffered a stroke, and my son had tangled himself up with a junkie, and instead of retiring my husband and I went da capo with the childcare, and I'd lived through the war and served my country for this...
I'm not sure I'd be a little ray of sunshine, either.
Mind you. By the late 1970s, grandmas and grandpas who weren't willing to raise their children's children had other options, you know. So they chose to do it, you weren't "dumped" on anybody. They wanted you, and seeing as you grew up and graduated and did pretty danged well, given the start you were handed, they can't have done that bad a job.
Where does your aunt live?
I hope you're feeling better today, less stressed? It's good to vent.
I think you might cut your dad some slack. But then again, that must be hard to do when you're squidged up against him and your grandmother the whole time - all the more reason to get away!
Glad that you are applying for jobs and that you have a resume. No, they are not handing them out, that's for sure.
I would suggest that you make a plan to be out of the house for as long as possible, EVERY DAY. Go to the public library. To the park. Anywhere. Stay out of her way and don't subject yourself to her bile.
You may be your father's child, your grandmother's grandchild, but you are not a child - you're an adult and no matter how they react to you standing up for yourself, you have all the right in the world to say no to things. They keep control over you by treating you as a child. Take a minute and think ahead. You take care of Grandma. Then you'll be expected to take care of your dad. Now look how old you will be, you haven't been able to build your own retirement, you haven't been able to enjoy life. Kiddo, like it or not, some family members expect you to sacrifice whatever you need to to care for them, keep their lives the same, make them happy. It's a lousy realization that your family isn't really looking out for you, but there it is.
We know it won't be easy for you, but it will get easier as you get stronger each time you take a step toward helping yourself.
I can't tell if you're male or female. Do you have secretarial skills? Start there if you can do any kind of word processing, with any luck for a firm that has a Merchandising dept.
Find a free or low cost walk in clinic. Apply for Medicaid. Get a caseworker. Get a physical and talk to the doc about your feelings of hopelessness. Start taking antidepressants to get out of the Slough of Despond that you're in.
And no i do not have health care. I try never to get sick. My father was a workaholic and his shift were 12 14 hours a daym my grandmother always made packed him a lunch and made him dinner always came over for breakfast at 6 am then off to workm that gave her a purpose I guess. When he retired she didnt stop cooking or making him lunch. He just instead of working comes over for all is meals and leaves fairly early. He maintains the yard abd fixes anything that needs to be fixed around the housem thats why i feel suffocated. I have a car and do go out during theweek. Go to the store for me or herem get groceries. I look forward to having dinner and drinks once a week with my bf but its a short lived nice feeling. I guess i was just babbling before cause i didnt know where to stsrt or finish.
As others have said, you need to be working and earning SS credits towards your own retirement, because if you don't, you won't have and SS retirement yourself! Staying in her home, waiting for her to die, expecting to inherited her home, NONE of that will happen, as probably your father will be expecting to be paid back for all of those years in which he supported her, and he is likely to inherit anything that MIGHT be left, once she does pass away! In all likelihood, she will end up in a Nursing home, and her home be sold to pay for her care, so there WILL BE NOTHING left for you!
Scapegoat, Absolutely, do you need to stay and Stand for This, ABSOLUTELY NOT! You need to begin standing your ground, and get a job, and get out on your own! You don't need to tell either of them your plans, just quietly begin planning your exit, go to the unemployment office and get a resume made up, they will help you, heck, tell them your circumstances, they will help you, even if you need training, there is help available to you, that is what our Social Services are for!! Maybe you can stay with your Boyfriend for a while, as you said, he is understanding of your circumstances. Ask him to help you! Don't let them hold you hostage any longer, you did your term! In the end, say this was never meant to be a long term solution, if she needs additional help, your father will see to it! It doesn't have to be you! You've done enough! Nothing worth while is ever easy! Living there isn't easy either! You are 38 years old, and have your whole life ahead of you, and you can still have children if that is your desire, 38 is not too old, and there are other ways around it! Now is the time, Just Do it!
You never go out. You go out once a week, with your boyfriend, who is very understanding thanks to his similar experiences.
You gave up your job. You worked full time and the house fell apart.
Look. I'm making every allowance I can, because I can almost feel your desperation and sense of claustrophobia coming through the screen at me. And I wouldn't blame you for having hugely confused feelings, and no clear sight of how to build a future. But it's incredibly difficult to know from what you've posted whether you are truly isolated, or whether you in fact have marketable job skills, qualifications and experience that you could use to a) find a job; b) find a place to live; c) get out and make your own life.
The 1-2-3 aren't easy, no, but they're right there. And as CW said, you don't need your grandmother's or your father's permission to make your own decisions - you're 38! So what else is holding you back?
No, it won't be easy. But you are an adult, and you deserve to have the life of a responsible adult.
It sounds as though dysfunction and mental illness are plentiful in your family.
If you conceptualize it that way, it might be easier to get clarity.
I'm a planner and list maker so that is where I personally would start, if you build yourself a detailed "road map" then when you are ready all you have to do is follow the directions.
You are not building any retirement savings or credits for Social Security right now. You've lost four valuable years in your prime earning years towards doing that already. The fact that your grandmother and father would let you do that in service to them tells me that they don't have a long-term concern about you.
Please get some counseling if it seems to great a burden to get out now. Don't put this off! You deserve happiness, friends, and your own life independent of your super controlling grandmother and your father who never grew up. Please keep us posted on how you're doing!
You need a job with benefits (health insurance!) and your own place. You deserve it. You are worth it. Your health demands it.