I frequently read where it is the case, and I see it happening in my own experience with my parents. My older sister has always been my parent's golden child, and she is doing next to nothing to assist our elderly parents.
Ironically, my sibling owned a home care agency for 15 years where she staffed nursing homes. She sold it a few years ago, but I assume she would have retained knowledge in this field and she never applies it to help her own parents.
I used to do many things for our 85-year-old parents, but have stepped back a lot since it is unappreciated and largely overlooked. My parents never liked me better for it, and it never elevated my status. That is not the case with my sister though. Is it a sense of entitlement where those who grow up as the favorite child assume they do not stoop to the low level of caregiving? Is it that such people grow up never having to do anything for anyone else? Is it lack of empathy? I am curious what makes this a common dynamic.
The least cared for child is often the family scapegoat too. The one parents blame every ill of the world on and everything that ever goes wrong is their fault in some way or another. Even when there's no way to connect blame to the scapegoat in any way, they will make it fit somehow.
In my family I am both the least cared for and the scapegoat. The parents are the ones who set the stage for how the world is going to treat their child. If they dislike them, disrespect them, and make scapegoats out of them this is how everyone else will treat them too. Sometimes the child can with great effort and difficulty overcome it in adulthood like I did, but many times they can't.
People always say to abused caregivers and family scapegoats that others lash out on the people closest to them beause they love them the most.
What a great crock of steaming sh*t that is.
Bottom line. Your parents did not love and care for you as much as they loved and cared for your sister. No matter how long you enslaved yourself to their needs or how much you did for them.
My parents (especially my mother) did not care for me like my other two siblings. I was her emotional dumping ground and scapegoat since I was a little kid. No matter how hard I tried, and I did try for a long time, I was never as good as my sister and brother. I even allowed myself to become enslaved as her caregiver. It isn't enough. Nothing from me will ever be enough for her.
I've come to the point in my life where I accept her as she is. We will never have the kind of loving parent/child relationship I wanted. She tried to make some genuine amends to me for her behavior, but I think even those were made more out of guilt than out of love.
It is what it is. Change what is within your power to change. Accept what is not within your power to change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. I learned that in an Al-anon meeting. Truest words ever.
I'm walking away from being my mother's caregiver. She's on her own. Maybe my sister steps up, maybe she doesn't and the state has to. Either way I'm done. I hope you are too.
You have value and importance. You have something positive to contribute to the world. If your parents can't or refuse to see it then that's their problem not yours.
Let the "Golden Child" your sister take over and let me leave you with a good bit of advice.
Never do more for a person than they deserve from you.
Fast forward to present....my mom passed away in May due to dementia. My sister, my dad, and myself took care of her the entire time. She insisted on staying in her home until her passing. When we were there, mom would continually point out her "treasures" that were to be earmarked for my brothers family. Even with her broken mind, she was clear as to who was her "favorite". To say this was a struggle for all us is an understatement. Brother was MIA. Now my dad (93) is living in a house that is far too large and a continual burden for us to maintain. Once again, brother can't be inconvenienced and lives a mere ten minutes away.
I guess the moral of the story is that anyone who has experienced the hurt that comes from being less than in the eyes of a parent, has to make decisions based on what they can live with. Caregiving is hard enough without the constant reminder that in their lifetime parents chose not to regard their children as equals. Some can get past this and help because the need is there and the sense of obligation is strong. Or some choose not to because they must step away for their own emotional and physical well being. There is no judgement. It is essential for us to be aware of our limitations for our own survival.
I feel you!!! My brother is the favorite and does nothing for our 93 year mom with dementia. I'm her caregiver and my relationship with my mom has always been a struggle. Nothing I ever did was good enough, but he's always the golden child! Like you, I don' understand this dynamic and it's very frustrating.
I don't know what the answer is, but it sucks.
But then again, my narcissistic mother having dementia is karma. Brother having to care for her is also karma.
I am now focusing on raising my kids with all the love I never got as a child.
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