Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?
Don’t hang a map or anything on the walls , they aren’t staying there. Even Dad said it was a mistake. Don’t put any holes in the walls , you’ll just have to fix them when they move out . Get Dad to agree , this is temporary , no fancy decorating. Let Dad shut Mom down . He needs to step up and put his foot down , mom needs guard rails .
Few of us are interested in this dysfunctional Italian Waltons drama just because it’s so interesting, Furthermore, your “advice seeking” follows a predictive loop in which mommy is mean to you, you then make a face back, and then tell us all about it. You’re even recycling and retelling items. The mistake about them not going into al? The “womb” comment? You’ve said it all before.
At least own it.
Right now, you are pouring gasoline on the flames of your mother's personality disorder.
It’s counterproductive to Romeo’s mental health to “ change her mindset “ and continue to be at her mother’s beck and call. Romeo has been taken advantage of , abused by, and financially supporting her immature mentally ill mother for decades .
Romeo is in this current situation because she allowed her mother to guilt trip her out of going to AL . Therapy is the answer . People have to earn love and kindness .
Go to therapy Romeo, where you will get GOOD advice , rather than this guilt trip .
I don't think you will because you're in a pattern that you don't seem to know how to break. It doesn't have to be this way.
Firstly, please know that you can't change your parents. If you really want to change your life, you have to change yourself.
1) Stop caring about what your mum says to you. She's not annoying you - you're allowing her to annoy you. You have control.
2) Develop some non-commital phrases to answer your mum when she makes comments that you find annoying. Such as:
"Of course!" in an upbeat/surprised tone.
"Really!" in the same tone.
Or just "Okay" or "Oh well" in the same resigned, but not judgemental, tone.
Then say goodbye. Don't elaborate. Don't allow any situation to expand. You have control.
3) Either cut short the neighbours' calls, or don't answer, or block their calls, or change your number. Whatever seems appropriate. But you don't have to have conversations that depress you. You can stop it. You have control.
4) Build boundaries. You live in the same building, but you have your own home and your parents have theirs. When you visit, make sure that it is a visit and that you are a visitor. Their home is not an extension of yours and vice versa. Make yourself aware of this and don't get roped into visiting more than you want to. It's up to you whether you go up to their flat or not, and you don't need to explain yourself. You have control.
5) Don't prop up your parents if they really can't manage in their own home. Your mum sounds as if she's confused and she is becoming afraid. Sorry, I don't know much about you - if she hasn't already been diagnosed, she could have dementia. That would explain her talking about the unlocked door and feeling scared in her own home. If they can't cope without extraordinary measures on your part, you should stop enabling them and help them to be placed somewhere more suitable. You don't have to be their safety net. You have control.
6) Lastly, you need to develop your own life. It shouldn't revolve around your husband; neither of you can foretell the future, so you both need a support network outside your marriage. Get out, join clubs, make friends. Stop fixating on your mother's behaviour and find other things to do with your time. That would also help to break your mum's hold on you. You have control.
We cannot control other people's behaviour, only our reactions to them.
You have control, so take it.