Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?
All you need is boundaries for you. They will try to cross them but u stand firm. You should have allowed them to go to an AL.
I think after 100+ replys we have said it all. This is a problem we are not there to help you with.
I have no idea what was so bad about what I wrote that AC felt the need to revise it. I was only speaking the truth.
Do you see a pattern here with mom? She cannot be alone and sitting in the car doesn't count.
If your mom wants to pout like a 93 year old child then let her pout. Of course she's going to be moody and upset when you STOP doing what you always do. You aren't being the "good" daughter and by "good" daughter that means as long as you are doing what she wants you are fantastic and when you aren't she gets mean and nasty.
I challenge you to stay in your own home and do not go up there today. Feel all the negative feeling associated with being the "bad" daughter and be OK with that for today.
I wonder how your parents helped you and your husband when you were dealing with your cancer treatments. Did they cook for you, grocery shop for you, clean the house? What exactly did they do for you?
In your last discussion thread RealyReal make the solid good point that you have made a decision, you and your hubby, to live in the same building with your folks, and to be daily involved in their care. And that this "worked" for you, in a sense.
I agree with that up until you express your fears for yourself, your hubby, your stress, your health.
I have a question here: Do you have a friend? Do you have another family member, close or distant, living in your city or cross country? Is there SOMEONE/ANYONE you can talk to daily about the daily concerns you have, whether small or large. Someone just to share with? Or are WE that? And if we are that, are there not some few on your thread (I think of Nacy or Misery offhand) who might have time to chat with you in private messaging? Are you at all a fan of Facebook? So many groups there for likeminded. I mean I belong to Peeling Paint Society. Go figure.
Just want to encourage you, with all on your plate, don't neglect, or do try to find, at least one good friend--whether that be online or in a support group or even in your own family.
I hope that the admins will consider removing this new question to the "Discussions" section, and I hope you'll consider that great thread in future. The admins closed your previous question to comments after some 150 or so responses:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-93-year-old-mom-gets-upset-when-i-tell-her-i-need-to-go-downstairs-to-my-apartment-i-feel-like-a--489715.htm
I suspect this closing could be because some of these questions turn to a sort of neighborly chit-chat (which is fine, but more appropriate to "Discussions" imho.)
I think your specific question to us today indicates you're continuing to have trouble making simple decisions for yourself; you've told us a lot about your anxiety, and this is certainly a symptom of anxiety--the inability to make decisions. I think that falls under that "waiting for therapy" you discussed in your last question.
And I think however you choose to handle today's dilemma will work out just fine.
So many of our fears in caregiving surround the fact that they are so elderly (yours in their 90s) that we worry anything could happen at any time. We kind of hover and wait. When folks ask what to expect in caregiving I always say "the unexpected". Your day today started by proving that point.
Sorry Dad is off to get checked again, and mom is anxious. But this is your daily routine more or less. We know how hard it is for you, and you have our sympathy. I hope the day gets better.
I am self-reporting myself so that admins can decide for themselves if you should perhaps consider "Discussions" for this type question now or in future. Take care, Romeo!
Today's post DOES make me think that she just really needs to TALK to someone about the day.
And GO .
If you are tired of these games , don’t play them , leave .