My guess is that she simply forgets that she’s agreed not to get up unaided, and thinks she can do it. Would it be possible to have a pad with an alarm, positioned where she would tread on it if she starts to get up?
It must be extremely difficult to know what to do when someone reaches this age. My mother lived to be 95.
Caregiving starts to take an emotional toll on us when we feel like there is little that we can do. At a certain point we have to accept that we don’t have any control over things.
What do you feel would be helpful for you as a caregiver right now?
I understand your concern. I get it. but to answer the "WHY" Because for 98 1/2 years she has been getting up without help. Because it is hard to ask for help. Because she does not want to "bother" you and have you help her do the things that she has done by herself for her whole life.
Can you replace the recliner with a Lift Chair so that it is easier for her to get out of. I presume she uses a walker so she would be at the right level to grasp the walker when the chair lift her up. I hate to say it.... Given your moms brittle bones and the medical history that you have indicated mom most likely will break a bone no matter how many precautions you take. she will be the one that will have a Break and Fall not a Fall and Break. As much as you want to you can not Bubble Wrap her.
I’ve asked her PCP and orthopedic surgeon about a lift chair and neither recommend getting one saying those chairs can lead to more muscle loss and further bone fragility…and I definitely don’t want to bubble wrap her…but I get very little support from my only sibling, and I’ve worked as an Admissions Coordinator at a nursing facility and want to do everything possible to keep mom from having to go to a NH…being a sole caregiver is the most difficult role I’ve ever taken on, but I do cherish every moment (as difficult as some are) with my mom….thanks
Ok…I appreciate the responses but I need to let you all know that while I understand my mom is 99 and may not want to take my advice here are some other events that have occurred: (1) in January 2022 mom had pain in her hip area (after NO fall) and had to have partial hip replacement surgery, (2) post hip replacement surgery, she was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis, (3) a few months after her hip surgery, while at a pain management clinic, we were told she had a spinal fracture (again, with NO fall), (4) mom does have minor hearing problems, but is not deaf, (5) mom has never been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and/or dementia…so the real reason for my post was to express my concerns about her resistance when I talk to her about safety and to ask for suggestions from this group on how best to help her to understand my concerns…and, by the way, there is only whole house carpeting in my home, no stairs, open floor plan, and walk-in shower…
My mom would jokingly tell me that she hoped I would have twins just like me if I didn’t listen to her as a kid!
So, when she didn’t listen to me, I asked her if it was payback for not listening to her when I was young.
Your mom is deaf, old and tired and probably doesn’t want you to be her boss!
When you get frustrated, take a break. Hire someone to help you. Or if you’re totally burning out look into placing her in a facility and oversee her care.
The same reason that you didn't listen to her when you were a teenager I'm guessing. She thinks she knows better.
So let the poor woman be. At 99 years of age, I believe she's earned the right to do what she wants, when she wants and if she wants. And yes that even means falling. And if she gets hurt, well then it's off to rehab and then more than likely a nursing facility to live out her final days. At least she would have done it her way.
Because she's 99 and probably not hitting on all cylinders!
That's the 'easy' answer, the real cause may be that she simply doesn't want to be bossed around. Maybe she doesn't FEEL 99, maybe she wants to cling to that last ditch hope that she is FINE. IDK, and neither do you!
My BIL's mom is also 99. She is cantankerous and difficult, Insists she can do everything she's 'always done'--which results in multiple falls each week and other high drama events.
Refuses to leave her house and does NOT have dementia--so her kids just wring their hands.
They set up 24/7 in home care for her and hope for the best. (Very, very expensive, but she has the money). It's a nightmare for the family, but all they can do is continue to prop her up. She plans to live to 100, and probably will.
I am 81. I never listen to anyone else when I think I can do something. I didn't listen at 18, either, if you want to reverse the numbers. I doubt I would listen any better at 99.
Sadly, the elderly will fall. It is more a matter of balance regulated by the brain than anything else, and they can do it getting into or out of a recliner, a bed, a kitchen chair or simply walking across the room. I can tell you I weigh more than I ever did at 145, but I feel like a feather in the wind on a moving bus at this point.
I hope she stays safe, but whether it is stubborness, a belief she is stronger than really she is, or a hearing and memory deficit at this point hardly matters. She's unlikely to listen and is likely to fall. I hope she doesn't get hurt.
My parents were stubborn at that age. I remember seeing my Dad cleaning the roof gutters, up on a ladder in his 90's. My Dad never saw himself as being old. And my Mom would carry a load of semi-wet laundry down to the basement to line dry when she was in her 90's. She didn't like using the dryer for more than a few minutes.
And if I said anything, my parents would just shrug it off, as I was a kid and what did I know [I was in my 60's].
It seems like dementia to me. Those are symptoms you’re describing.
Did you know that being unable to hear is a contributing factor in dementia? If the ears don’t work, the brain can’t get signals. Then the connection that conducts information to the brain is broken. It is forever lost.
Your profile says she already has/had a broken hip. She also has hearing loss. Does she have hearing aids? If so, does she wear them? If she doesn't have hearing aids she may not be hearing your instructions. If she has memory loss, she may not be remembering that she is a fall risk. If she has dementia, it will only get worse because her brain is broken along with her other physical problems. Maybe time to hire an in-home aid to give you a break. She can pay for it with her SS income. Take care of yourself! You are important!
She did have partial hip replacement in 2022, has severe osteoporosis, hearing issues but no hearing aids, no dementia or Alzheimer’s, walks with a cane or uses a rollator. When I try to calmly talk to her about falling she tells me “I knew I was able to do it by myself”…if I’m not in the same room with her (my house is a ranch with an open floor plans except for the bedrooms and bathrooms), I’m easily close enough that she could call out to me (I’ve even given her a bell to ring to get my attention)…and if I press the issue she gets angry and says she doesn’t remember what we talked about because she’s “stupid” (which I have never said she is…it’s her excuse). I get so frustrated…
Maybe time to tell her you cannot care for her if she is not going to be careful. Tell her if she breaks a bone amnd winds up in Rehab she will then transfer to a NH becausevu cannot care for some who can't do for themselves. Make sure your firm about it.
I never thought to express my concerns to mom in this way, but just had a talk with her and told her that if she were to fall and break something that she might have to recover in a NH because I may not be able to take care of her in my home…she did seem to understand that I’m not wanting to control what she does but rather I’m concerned for her physical safety (and my mental safety 😁)…thanks
Caregiving starts to take an emotional toll on us when we feel like there is little that we can do. At a certain point we have to accept that we don’t have any control over things.
What do you feel would be helpful for you as a caregiver right now?
but to answer the "WHY"
Because for 98 1/2 years she has been getting up without help.
Because it is hard to ask for help.
Because she does not want to "bother" you and have you help her do the things that she has done by herself for her whole life.
Can you replace the recliner with a Lift Chair so that it is easier for her to get out of. I presume she uses a walker so she would be at the right level to grasp the walker when the chair lift her up.
I hate to say it....
Given your moms brittle bones and the medical history that you have indicated mom most likely will break a bone no matter how many precautions you take. she will be the one that will have a Break and Fall not a Fall and Break.
As much as you want to you can not Bubble Wrap her.
So, when she didn’t listen to me, I asked her if it was payback for not listening to her when I was young.
Your mom is deaf, old and tired and probably doesn’t want you to be her boss!
When you get frustrated, take a break. Hire someone to help you. Or if you’re totally burning out look into placing her in a facility and oversee her care.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
So let the poor woman be. At 99 years of age, I believe she's earned the right to do what she wants, when she wants and if she wants. And yes that even means falling. And if she gets hurt, well then it's off to rehab and then more than likely a nursing facility to live out her final days.
At least she would have done it her way.
That's the 'easy' answer, the real cause may be that she simply doesn't want to be bossed around. Maybe she doesn't FEEL 99, maybe she wants to cling to that last ditch hope that she is FINE. IDK, and neither do you!
My BIL's mom is also 99. She is cantankerous and difficult, Insists she can do everything she's 'always done'--which results in multiple falls each week and other high drama events.
Refuses to leave her house and does NOT have dementia--so her kids just wring their hands.
They set up 24/7 in home care for her and hope for the best. (Very, very expensive, but she has the money). It's a nightmare for the family, but all they can do is continue to prop her up. She plans to live to 100, and probably will.
I didn't listen at 18, either, if you want to reverse the numbers.
I doubt I would listen any better at 99.
Sadly, the elderly will fall. It is more a matter of balance regulated by the brain than anything else, and they can do it getting into or out of a recliner, a bed, a kitchen chair or simply walking across the room. I can tell you I weigh more than I ever did at 145, but I feel like a feather in the wind on a moving bus at this point.
I hope she stays safe, but whether it is stubborness, a belief she is stronger than really she is, or a hearing and memory deficit at this point hardly matters. She's unlikely to listen and is likely to fall. I hope she doesn't get hurt.
And if I said anything, my parents would just shrug it off, as I was a kid and what did I know [I was in my 60's].
I'm 70 and don't listen to someone younger telling me what to do.
Oh well....
I don't need help.
I am not going to fall.
My kid/aide/nurse worries & fusses.. says to call them just to get out of a chair. What for?
.........
Lack of insight. Stubborn. Both?
Either way, move away from wasting your breathe on reasoning & focus on increasing safety.
Increase supervision & access.
Armchair in good clear view. Open doors. No obstacles for fast access.
Add an alarm. There are flat types, placed on chair or bed. Will squeal when person gets up. Caregiver then goes to assist.
Appropriate furniture. Some people use a hospital bed that lowers to nearly floor height at night (lower to fall).
Elders fall. Fact.
Aim is to reduce falls (& associated injuries) but also have a life. Laying in bed wrapped up in cotton wool is a boring life.
Did you know that being unable to hear is a contributing factor in dementia? If the ears don’t work, the brain can’t get signals. Then the connection that conducts information to the brain is broken. It is forever lost.