Mom was put on Hospice care 3 years ago by her Cardiologist due to Severe Aortic Stenosis and she has lived with me since. She has been re certified without question every evaluation time. She has had UTI's , 2 TIA's and multiple falls. Almost 3 times a week her bowel movements consist of blood and mucus (but no visible stool). Hospice says she's a "walking time bomb" waiting to go off. The stress and anxiety of thinking this is her last day (for 3 years) has been hard enough. (I'd like to tell the Cardiologist he can take a turn caring for her now.) How does someone who is 90 years old, had type 2 diabetes for 20 years, high blood pressure AND now the Severe Aortic Stenosis survive so long?
My Dad was on hospice almost 4 years ago when he declined to have a pacemaker implanted when his heart beat plunged dangerously low for an extended period of time.... well about 4 years, 7 ER visits and hospital stays he is still around (with worsening dementia). I too am exhausted with the ups and down.. Not that I don't want him around.. it is just very exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining...
Its amazing .. your Mom..hanging in there for so long. I know what you mean about the stress of it... and probably her quality of life going down hill as well. Wonder what is keeping her here so long.. if it were me I would be so ready to go.
((hugs))
I don't know what kept my mom going - she was very ready to go for about 6-7 years (after my dad died). She was a tough old bird too. The emotional ups and downs are very, very draining. My hair is whiter than my mom's was and I attribute it to the stress of caregiving. When mom finally passed away, I just stood there looking at her for a long time, trying to wrap my head around the fact that it was finally over. That day will come for you. I was just happy to know I did my best for her. I'm sure you'll feel that way too. {{{Hugs}}} to my fellow caregivers.
I had to laugh about your hair - mine was whiter than mother's for years. Now I dye it, streak it, whatever, and it is down to my shoulders - longer than I have ever had it. Mentioned on another thread that I have gone Iris Apfel today with 3 bracelets, 2 necklaces and big hoop earrings. I'm not giving up on myself!
Mom, you are not terrible for wanting it over. I want it over too, and actually, so does mother.
I believe it!
Thinking of you. It is really hard and it is only understandable to feel as you do. I sometimes don't know what the right answer is.
My grandmother lived to 90 at home but after three hospital visits. Her 7 kids all wanted her to live in a nursing home. She lived another two years. I don't think anyone sets up to be a burden but that is how it sometimes feels to so many adult children.
I appreciate reading everyone's experiences. And Golden you are an amazing 80 year old! That is incredible that your mom is almost 106 years old. I know its not easy so I hope you will go to Mexico and enjoy yourself.
Re "Invalids don't die; they kill everyone else." is so true. When I was young there was a middle aged man in our neighbourhood with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) who was looked after at home by his wife. She died (from a heart attack) before he did.
The current stats are that about 30-40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. For older people, I believe mainly those looking after spouses at home, it is higher. There is an interesting article is "70% of All Caregivers Over the Age of 70 Die First". (CNN, article by Andree LeRoy, M.D. ) In it, Peter Vitaliano, a professor of geriatric psychiatry at the University of Washington and an expert on caregiving, said that the chronic stress of caring for someone can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes and a compromised immune system. They also suffer from depression, anxiety and anger It is called Caregiver Syndrome. I believe many who post here have it
We must not underestimate the effects of prolonged stress on our health and therefore, look after ourselves.
cdnreader - I suspect you are right in most cases that no one sets up to be a burden, but they can become one. Our family is very long lived in both sides, and mother is raising the bar. Thinking very seriously of Mexico.
My advice is to take it a day at a time, never more than a week at a time. Do what you can for yourself, even the small things like a good cup of coffee, or watching a sunrise and birds help to add up. I would get up very early in the morning and read for a little me time. Keeping a journal really helped too.
I have been caring for my husband for seven or eight years. He has just recently been diagnosed with middle stage dementia. He sleeps almost the whole day. I also have my mom in a memory care unit but I do all her financial stuff. My husband requires a lot of work--after all, I do everything, absolutely everything, plus all of his care. And it so soooooo confining! He cannot travel--at all--and I cannot leave him for more than a few hours. So, here I am.... Family far, far way! Continents away.
In the last few months, I could see the toll it was taking on me. I looked like hell hell and was gaining weight. I looked old and worn out! I am only 67 but looked 77.
So, I said, "The hell with this!" My new attitude is that I will use this time for self-improvement:
diet--have lost six pounds
exercise: three times a day and go to free fitness room at senior center; getting buff
new hair cut--cute and fresh
dermatology--lots of treatment for face, much better!
new make up--fun and looks great
looking forward to buying new clothes when weight goes down more
getting girlfriends together to go out for coffee--not expensive and gets me out of house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it so much
So, for me, this time of confinement has become a time of renewal!!!!!!!!!!
Do I ever Wish/Wonder when it will end? Yes! You bet I do. But I do not dell on that. Bad for the attitude. When it does end I will emerge into the world and travel--thin and gorgeous (lol at 75?).
Good luck! Thanks for being here!
Every night for the last 10 years, before falling asleep, my Mom prays to God to please take her during her sleep. She tells him "I am ready and am not afraid." She is surprised each morning that (at the age of 96.5) she is still here...alive!
Each of us have our time and have to go through whatever karma we have created...for some it is easier than others (We sow what we reap.)
Because of this, and even while I feel some guilt for placing her in a memory care / assisted living community were she does not want to be, I am understanding that I have to live my life too. I am 69 in a couple of months. Each day I face the choice of whose life I will live that day: mine or my Moms?
Not an easy decision, yet I have come to the conclusion that it's okay for me to feel the emotion of underlying guilt (uncomfortable as it may be), and at the same time, I have understood the basic need to give my own joy expression and time, acknowledging and living my life through these challenging times.
I'm only 55 moved in with mom 3 years ago to help look after her she has COPD and she's 72. I've been losing me every day and wonder how much more I'm going to have to handle. Hate my life and dread getting out of bed everyday. She's planted herself in her recliner and that's where she stays all the time. Eat sleep watch tv.. she complains she can't breathe neither can I! I wait on her hand and foot. Have PT coming 2xs a week to work with her so she can get a little exercise but she dosent do anything when they aren't here. It makes me soooo mad! I'm retired and don't want to end up sick from taking care of her. We have been butting heads latley because I'm so grouchy now. I'm ready to hire someone to come in here and take over for me, moms even said that to me but the way it was said presented the guilt trip even more. I'm her POA and handling everything! Its so crazy! So depressed! Looking haggard now myself hairs getting grayer and starting to fall out wrinkles galore need that dermotoligist myself and plan to see one!
I come to this site everyday to read the posts it helps me deal with the day
Sure, caregiving is tough, but pray and ask the Lord for His help. He knows what you're going through and He has plans for us all. He promised never to leave us or forsake us and we need to have faith in order to survive. Just stand on God's promises and remember He loves you. Someday, maybe you'll be the invalid and God will place someone there to help you. Stand strong and God bless you!