Widowed father and lady friend. Any advice?

Thanks for all your replies. We ended up cancelling our trip to see dad for Thanksgiving. I was okay with it because our goal was for him to not be alone for the holiday and because of Joan and her family, he most certainly wasn't alone. We plan to go before Christmas. Hopefully by then dh will have gotten past his hostility. Dad had the best Thanksgiving he's had in years. For that I am grateful.

I'm going to post my answer and I know some of you won't agree. I've been on this site for a few years. I went through a long-term progressive illness with my husband for twelve plus years (with it originally being diagnosed in 1999). He died in July, 2021. A lot of questions / comments / answers over the years helped me with my thoughts, doctor's appointments, etc.

Moving forward... I took more than a year to get my thoughts / life together (paperwork, etc.) after his death. I had lost him both mentally and physically years before he died so I had already grieved, even though when he passed it was permanent. I needed time to sleep and figure out who I was as an individual and not as part of a couple after so many years.

I, too, met a man about two months ago. He is also a widower. We are 'just friends'. I am not looking for anything more than that. I made it very clear, I have no interest in getting married or living with anyone in the future. We have a lot in common - way back to childhood. We can talk about anything. We have fun together. Regarding the financial aspect... I am blessed to be financially independent. It was hard for him to accept, but I insist we split the cost when we go out to eat or take turn buying tickets, etc. If I went out with a female friend that is how we usually do things.

I know sometimes, especially children (no matter what the age), think that the woman is after their father's money (their inheritance) (or vice versa). I realize that sometimes this is the case.

Adult children, please try to understand, we were used to having someone around 24/7 - all of a sudden we are alone. Yes, I do have a lot of female friends that helped me over the years, but sometimes it is enjoyable to talk with men and get their perspective on a situation.

It's hard to cook for just one person - the motivation just isn't there. When was the last time you ate a meal by yourself? It can be lonesome.

Try to be happy they found each other. From your post, it sounds like they are eating well, enjoying each other, having fun, staying busy and your father is not relying on you for his entertainment and care.

I know it is hard to understand, but I think two people can be friends without wanting anything more.

"He's so much more "alive" now when I talk to him each night." 

Isn't that what matters?

Mutual friends at a church they've both attended for many years, and whom you're presumably happy for your father to associate with, introduced them.

You say you're concerned that things are moving too quickly, but then again as you also say he hasn't exactly got time to hang around. He did his duty by your mother and kept his vow. She's got her own house and her own family. She doesn't allow him to drive under the influence, which shows that she doesn't let fear of gossip overrule common sense.

Seriously - what has anybody got against this relationship? Have you heard anything at all from anybody that tends to substantiate your husband's suspicions? May they make each other very happy for as much time as they're blessed with.

Graygrammie, I would accept the dinner invitation and hubby can go or stay at home but, he needs to be told to behave himself.

Your dad is happy, she is obviously a responsible woman. Who cares if gossip starts because his car was at her home overnight. People are going to believe whatever they want anyways, so why worry about it.

Tell your husband that he needs to love them both, right where they are. If they are behaving inappropriately The Lord will deal with them, it's not his place to judge.

I would love it if my mom could find someone that made her happy.

Being alone and vulnerable is not easy and we should encourage our able minded elders to enjoy their money while they can. Who cares if you get an inheritance if he enjoys his last years. I hope he spends every last penny having a fabulous time with his new lady.

Go and be loving, kind and happy for them. If you don't, you risk alienating him and causing him to be unhappy, surely that's not what you want.

After moving my mom to AL because of dementia, she took up with a man that was quite a bit older than her. He was more physically broken down but sharper than my mom mentally. In the beginning it was a bit alarming to see them holding hands, but she had a companion. They ate every meal together, watched TV together, etc. They both needed that. His son immediately thought my mom was after his dads money. We had a phone call. He immediately told me that his dads funds were in a trust. I told him that I could care less about his dads finances and that if my mom didn't have dementia, she wouldn't be giving his dad the time of day. I told him that they are companions for one another...that is where it begins and that is where it ends and we should both be grateful that our parents have someone. After that, we were fine. My moms male friend did not care to spend time with his son. They didn't get along. My mom and her male friend came to my home for every holiday and sometimes I would pick them both up and get an icecream cone and go for a drive. When he passed, my mom was alone and worsened and had to move to memory care. I felt like I had lost a family member.

It sounds like your dads companion is in great shape! It's good that he has someone. You might want to make sure that his finances are protected so that if they did something crazy like elope.

Neither one of them is married, so no, there's no "affair." Tell your husband to get his mind out of the gutter.

I say be happy for your dad. It really stinks to be alone, and if these two are enjoying one another's company, good for them.

Obviously it's important that his finances are protected, but otherwise, stop treating Joan with suspicion. You missed an important opportunity to get to know her better by skipping her dinner, not to mention that it was rude. The more you're engaged with her, the less likely she'd be someone who'd fleece your dad. I'd be more suspicious of someone who didn't want to get to know you.

This is more about you having trouble accepting Dad being with someone other than your mother. I get it -- my mother flipped out when my grandfather started seeing and ultimately marrying another woman four years after my grandmother died. I believe he was looking for not only companionship, but a caregiver for his final years, and that's exactly what he got in marrying a much-younger woman. My mom was never all that nice to Ruth which was really cruddy of her, because Ruth was part of our family for 50 years and was the only grandmother I really knew.

Don't be like that.

"Are the rumors going to start?" Come on! Who cares? Your dad is admittedly so much more alive now than he's been, so what's the problem, exactly, besides The Inheritance, which is always ALWAYS at the root of everyone's problems when it comes to love in old age. The "other woman" is obviously a "gold digger" and yada yada, but dad's happy at 92 with very limited time left on Earth, so rushing things is a requirement, let's face it.

If they are having sex (sorry to upset you sp), good for them. If it's simple companionship they're having, good for them. If it were me in your shoes, I'd dismiss DHs hunch which is baseless, and get to know Joan at the thanksgiving dinner she was gracious enough to invite you to. Leave dh home to be alone if he can't muster up the decency to be social here, and see what you think. It's your father anyway, not his.

Every single human being is entitled to feel love, warmth, and affection from another no matter what their age or lot in life. 😚

Good luck to dad and Joan. And I agree with Fawnby in that Joan will likely be dad's caregiver if and when he needs one, so that's ANOTHER plus for you here.

How wonderful that your father has found someone that makes him happy and feel alive again. What a true blessing for sure!
Instead of being upset or suspicious of this relationship, you and your husband should be happy for him. I don't read anything in what you've written that should make you or hubby be concerned, as your father is a grown ass man and should be allowed to follow his heart.
And if your husband has dementia, you already know that his brain is broken, so I wouldn't take serious anything he has to say about the matter. You say that your husband is often right when he "feels something" but again, that was then this is now....a man with a broken brain, and paranoia is often a symptom of dementia.
So let your father enjoy whatever happiness he may have before he dies, and go and enjoy Thanksgiving with her. You can leave hubby home if he doesn't want to go.

It's his life, his money, and his chance at happiness. Your husband (the guy with dementia, which causes bad judgment) is way out of line. Remind him that if Joan is in dad's life or married to him, she's likely the one who will be his caregiver when he needs one. That gets you and husband off the hook, so be grateful for what dad has and both of you bug out of his private business. I suggest you get to know her better.

Your husband suffers from Dementia. They become paranoid. Seems this woman wants to introduce you to her family. Gold diggers do not do this. They isolate the person they are going after. Put ideas in the persons head so they turn on family. From what you describe Dads friend seems to be very nice. Let Dad be happy and don't listen to a husband who can no longer reason.

I agree you should make an effort to at least stop in. Maybe go for dessert. Make Dad and girlfriend aware that with having Dementia DH would not do well in a crowd. Be happy for Dad, his days are numbered.

"This means his car was at her house all night, are the rumors going to start?" I had to laugh at this. I would say the neighbors would say "Good for them". I was 30 living on the highway when I was dating my DH. He had a regular size van with a big L shaped blue decal on the sides. No other Vans like it. Small town so sure everyone knew whose Van was in my driveway overnight.

My GFs father dated the nicest woman in his early 80s. His kids just loved her. He wanted to marry her, she did not want to marry. A lot of women do not want to remarry. IMO my Uncle had the best relationship. J had her house and he had his. They traveled together, went to dinner and came to family functions together but never married. Just be happy for Dad. Best thing you can do is get to know this woman.