Widowed father and lady friend. Any advice?
Mom died 2 1/2 years ago, dad (almost 92 now) was her caregiver. He has been lonely, even though mom was a lot of responsibility for him and their relationship was tumultous, he says at least it was someone else sitting at the table with him. He now has a lady friend, a widow whose husband died in 2012. There seems to be a whirlwind romance going on even though he says they are just friends.
At first I was fine with the friendship which started in August. Now they seem to see each other almost every day. And I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable about this friendship because it seems to be moving very quickly. Interestingly, their paths crossed for years but they never met. Mutual friends at church introduced them to each other.
I keep telling myself that a second chance at love, no matter the age, is a good thing. And face it, at almost 92, dad doesn't have a whole lot of time left. He's so much more "alive" now when I talk to him each night. Last night, after they spent the day together at her house preparing her family Thanksgiving dinner, they went out to eat. She drove to the restaurant. His drink at the restaurant went to his head, so instead of going back to her house, she drove him straight home. (This means his car was at her house all night, are the rumors going to start?)
My husband, with a myriad of health issues, the worst being heart failure and dementia, declares that this relationship is an affair, that she's trying to steal my inheritance, and refuses to meet Joan and her family (we were invited to Thanksgiving with them, he refused to go). So that adds another level of tension for me because, darn it, my dh is often right when he feels something.
I should add that I have talked to Joan on the phone once. My first impression is that for a lady in her 80s, she is a real livewire! And the fact that she is preparing dinner for twenty -- including making yeast rolls from scratch -- tells me that she might be in better shape than I am!
Thoughts?
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It would also be good for you to get to know her better, and to know how to contact her family (and her PoA) if there was ever cause to need to do so. Even them living together could create family confusion when one or both of them inevitably require outside help: who steps in to do what? You can read about this issue on this forum from those who went through it. Her kids should be her PoA and your FIL should have his own family be his PoA. Anything other than this is asking for problems down the road.
If the relationship goes further and marriage is even on the horizon and your mom and dad have a substantial estate that’s when you address the financial stuff, maybe contact his lawyer if he has one and make sure everything is protected for both he and his new lady, who knows maybe she is the one with the money! If his estate isn’t large just comfortable I would let it go for his happiness, it is after all his and for him to live as he wants. You don’t mention dementia as part of your dads life so I am assuming he is cognitively competent. What I’m saying is don’t put the cart before the horse, live in the here and now enjoying your dad and his life with one eye on the future so you can steer it before it’s too late but not living for it. I’m happy for your dad and it sounds to me like you are too really, why buy trouble by falling into your husbands over the top stand. Maybe he’s rite and maybe not but for now your dad is using her as much as she might be using him and he at least is happy, just enjoy that!
I said Joan seems to be full of energy. After two full days of cooking she hosted two big gatherings on Wednesday and Thursday and dad attended both. He is certainly getting to know her family! He went out Friday night with her and several of her kids and their families.
We went to dh's maternal side of the family Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever. I literally called and invited ourselves. I guess they just assumed we had other things to do. Dh made it a walk-down-memory-lane day -- visited his parents' grave, visited the house he grew up in that his dad built, drove past his grade school, drove past our second house. I thought it would be overwhelming to him but it actually seems to have given him some closure. He only held up at the family gathering for two hours before he wanted to leave. But at least he got to see family he hasn't seen for years.
So our Thanksgiving turned out the right way for us. We now plan to visit dad right before Christmas. I'm sure Joan will be even more entrenched in the picture! Could be very interesting.
Instead of being upset or suspicious of this relationship, you and your husband should be happy for him. I don't read anything in what you've written that should make you or hubby be concerned, as your father is a grown ass man and should be allowed to follow his heart.
And if your husband has dementia, you already know that his brain is broken, so I wouldn't take serious anything he has to say about the matter. You say that your husband is often right when he "feels something" but again, that was then this is now....a man with a broken brain, and paranoia is often a symptom of dementia.
So let your father enjoy whatever happiness he may have before he dies, and go and enjoy Thanksgiving with her. You can leave hubby home if he doesn't want to go.
I say be happy for your dad. It really stinks to be alone, and if these two are enjoying one another's company, good for them.
Obviously it's important that his finances are protected, but otherwise, stop treating Joan with suspicion. You missed an important opportunity to get to know her better by skipping her dinner, not to mention that it was rude. The more you're engaged with her, the less likely she'd be someone who'd fleece your dad. I'd be more suspicious of someone who didn't want to get to know you.
This is more about you having trouble accepting Dad being with someone other than your mother. I get it -- my mother flipped out when my grandfather started seeing and ultimately marrying another woman four years after my grandmother died. I believe he was looking for not only companionship, but a caregiver for his final years, and that's exactly what he got in marrying a much-younger woman. My mom was never all that nice to Ruth which was really cruddy of her, because Ruth was part of our family for 50 years and was the only grandmother I really knew.
Don't be like that.
I agree you should make an effort to at least stop in. Maybe go for dessert. Make Dad and girlfriend aware that with having Dementia DH would not do well in a crowd. Be happy for Dad, his days are numbered.
"This means his car was at her house all night, are the rumors going to start?" I had to laugh at this. I would say the neighbors would say "Good for them". I was 30 living on the highway when I was dating my DH. He had a regular size van with a big L shaped blue decal on the sides. No other Vans like it. Small town so sure everyone knew whose Van was in my driveway overnight.
My GFs father dated the nicest woman in his early 80s. His kids just loved her. He wanted to marry her, she did not want to marry. A lot of women do not want to remarry. IMO my Uncle had the best relationship. J had her house and he had his. They traveled together, went to dinner and came to family functions together but never married. Just be happy for Dad. Best thing you can do is get to know this woman.
Your dad probably is happy having companionship!
A very good friend of mines father lost his wife of 60 years, he hooked up with a lady who he married at age 90, died at 92 and she had him make her beneficiary for everything he owned and changed his will, his children got nothing.
This is very common here in Florida, she went on to marry another old man, he died too, she got his money as well. She is good at what she does, I think she is now with another sucker.
Her children may be just as concerned as you are. Should your dad become ill, there goes their mother’s life into caregiving. Of course it could happen the other way. No guarantees in life.
I would go, look out for the family member you might be able to connect with, perhaps exchange phone numbers. Do you go to the same church? You might get yet another impression there.
I would also not be shy about having a conversation with dad about the realities of life. Are you already his POA, have access to his finances, understand his financial situation? at 92 he most likely has medical issues of one type or another. Perhaps you have already gone to his doctors with him?
My mom could easily prepare a large meal and did in her 80s. She still had a large veggie garden at 90. Her problems began in her 90s.
I would be open and honest, express my concerns (after you figure out what they are) and support your dad in his decisions. After all, they are his decisions and how small it would be to choose to have him lonely and alone over money.
I have had several widowed men in my family remarry. Not as old as your dad. For the most part it worked out very well. They all lived with the second spouse until death and it was a true blessing on the caregiving front.
I had an aunt who had a boyfriend she traveled with for years. They never married. She built a new home at 80 and tongue wagers thought it foolish. When he got ill she visited him in his nursing home until he passed. She lived in her home for 24 years where she died at 104.
Go to thanksgiving dinner since it was also your Dad inviting you and your hubby to join them. If hubby doesn't go, well that will be his lost on meeting the family and enjoying the day.
What do your grown children think about grandpa and his lady friend? If they are all positive, that's a good sign.
As for your hubby's remarks, I see on your profile that hubby was a Pastor, so maybe in his mind, if someone dies, the remaining spouse should not date. I remember over a half century ago, in one old country culture the widow had to wear black the rest of her life and never marry again.
I do hope I can meet J when we visit right before Christmas. My kids don't know about it yet. My sister seems to be fine with it.
Isn't that what matters?
Mutual friends at a church they've both attended for many years, and whom you're presumably happy for your father to associate with, introduced them.
You say you're concerned that things are moving too quickly, but then again as you also say he hasn't exactly got time to hang around. He did his duty by your mother and kept his vow. She's got her own house and her own family. She doesn't allow him to drive under the influence, which shows that she doesn't let fear of gossip overrule common sense.
Seriously - what has anybody got against this relationship? Have you heard anything at all from anybody that tends to substantiate your husband's suspicions? May they make each other very happy for as much time as they're blessed with.
If thats the case he obviously is not capable of picking a proper spouse so he should not get remarried.
He's only been widowed 2 1/2 years. Most men looking to get married again at that age do it to have another woman to cook, clean and take care of them. Especially that particular generation of men.
And again why can't be have the companionship without another marriage? I just dont get it.
If they are having sex (sorry to upset you sp), good for them. If it's simple companionship they're having, good for them. If it were me in your shoes, I'd dismiss DHs hunch which is baseless, and get to know Joan at the thanksgiving dinner she was gracious enough to invite you to. Leave dh home to be alone if he can't muster up the decency to be social here, and see what you think. It's your father anyway, not his.
Every single human being is entitled to feel love, warmth, and affection from another no matter what their age or lot in life. 😚
Good luck to dad and Joan. And I agree with Fawnby in that Joan will likely be dad's caregiver if and when he needs one, so that's ANOTHER plus for you here.
As for a 92 year old getting it on it reminds me of one post where the mother told her son she was tired of having to give her husband hand jobs. I think they were in their eighties. Or other posts where the man or woman is incontinent, doesn't shower and still wants sex.
Let's not romanticize elderly sex because it ain't all the idealistic high fives and pats on the back people want to give when they hear about two octogenerians getting it on.
Your dad is happy, she is obviously a responsible woman. Who cares if gossip starts because his car was at her home overnight. People are going to believe whatever they want anyways, so why worry about it.
Tell your husband that he needs to love them both, right where they are. If they are behaving inappropriately The Lord will deal with them, it's not his place to judge.
I would love it if my mom could find someone that made her happy.
Being alone and vulnerable is not easy and we should encourage our able minded elders to enjoy their money while they can. Who cares if you get an inheritance if he enjoys his last years. I hope he spends every last penny having a fabulous time with his new lady.
Go and be loving, kind and happy for them. If you don't, you risk alienating him and causing him to be unhappy, surely that's not what you want.
Maybe it is that and more but really it is nobody‘s business.
Rumours, speculations, does he not have rights to privacy?
Have any of you seen "Our Souls at Night," starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford? It's about two elderly people who start spending a lot of time together. One is widowed, the other divorced. They have sleepovers, but no sex. They're just friends who are tired of living alone, especially late at night when the whole world is quiet and they lie awake, unable to sleep and wishing they had a person to talk to.
The Robert Redford character is teased by his buddies because they all know he goes to the lady's house and stays overnight. He hates being the subject of their gossip and teasing.
Later, the two fall in love, but it was honestly never part of the plan.
Not all relationships are as chaste and innocent as this fictional one, but in real life it is possible to find love in one's sunset years, or at least a new best friend. Not everybody is a golddigger or a user.
Be watchful and protective. Perhaps in the next few weeks, you'll all get a better idea of what the relationship is becoming.
So glad to hear your dad had a wonderful Thanksgiving! That's great news GG!!
I pray that you can see him for Christmas. You and your Dad deserve to be together.
It sounds like your dads companion is in great shape! It's good that he has someone. You might want to make sure that his finances are protected so that if they did something crazy like elope.
The question is more about whether or not lady friend, Joan, is taking advantage of your Dad with designs on his money. She may not be. Your husband's (and your own?) concern about your inheritance might be influencing his suspicions. Legally, your father could do paperwork to designate what he would like to go to you, but he does not have to.
Be honest with yourself about how much your own expectations about an inheritance might be in play. Be aware of your dad's relationship and watch for danger signals, but don't create them.
Very well said.
Moving forward... I took more than a year to get my thoughts / life together (paperwork, etc.) after his death. I had lost him both mentally and physically years before he died so I had already grieved, even though when he passed it was permanent. I needed time to sleep and figure out who I was as an individual and not as part of a couple after so many years.
I, too, met a man about two months ago. He is also a widower. We are 'just friends'. I am not looking for anything more than that. I made it very clear, I have no interest in getting married or living with anyone in the future. We have a lot in common - way back to childhood. We can talk about anything. We have fun together. Regarding the financial aspect... I am blessed to be financially independent. It was hard for him to accept, but I insist we split the cost when we go out to eat or take turn buying tickets, etc. If I went out with a female friend that is how we usually do things.
I know sometimes, especially children (no matter what the age), think that the woman is after their father's money (their inheritance) (or vice versa). I realize that sometimes this is the case.
Adult children, please try to understand, we were used to having someone around 24/7 - all of a sudden we are alone. Yes, I do have a lot of female friends that helped me over the years, but sometimes it is enjoyable to talk with men and get their perspective on a situation.
It's hard to cook for just one person - the motivation just isn't there. When was the last time you ate a meal by yourself? It can be lonesome.
Try to be happy they found each other. From your post, it sounds like they are eating well, enjoying each other, having fun, staying busy and your father is not relying on you for his entertainment and care.
I know it is hard to understand, but I think two people can be friends without wanting anything more.
Does your husband know this woman personally? My guess is no. She may be better off financially than your father is. Who knows?
Good for your father finding love and companionship again at his age. That is wonderful.
You should most definitely be meeting this Joan who has been making your father so happy. Leave your husband at home. Ignore the rambling dementia nonsense and paranoia about your father's new girlfriend and take the two of them to lunch. Get to know her. She's probably cool.