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My wife who I have loved and supported for over 60 years, is in a care home. Occasionally during our many years together and talks, she has hinted at an occasional past life which I chose to diplomatically ignore as a fact of life that often occurs when the husband's work calls him to work away from home for weeks at a time. During these conversations she always insisted she has never slept or had sex with other men, not even one man and I am the only one.



Lately, her dementia has started to loosen her tongue and today aged 78. she revealed she was once going to leave me and go off with someone with whom she had had an affair and regular sexual contact and meets with. It now appears that the other men who she had falsely claimed to me were the close friends of her rather promiscuous female friend HG, were hers also. I think being in a care home has sort of reminded her that these secrets are not worth keeping any longer and for this reason, she is beginning to be more honest and open with me, I am shocked, and rather hurt, and unable to cope, any advice would be appreciated. My instincts tell me to say nothing and ignore it, but it does worry me. An end of life story I never ever suspected or wanted.

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Look up "Confabulation". Made up stories.

It is a common delusion with dementia that a woman starts to think every handsome man wants her; is in love with her etc. Men do that too.

The caregiving technique is to distract, change the conversation, not listen and walk away.

You are NOT planning on allowing her words to drive you crazy, are you?
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lealonnie1 Feb 2023
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Well, she has given you an unexpected gift. Now…you can believe one of two alternative scenarios: 1) She fooled around all along, or 2) she didn’t, but wished she had. If you have any reason to suspect she was unfaithful, then this may make your job easier as she disintegrates into la-la land…perhaps you won’t feel so guilty about not visiting her very often. She sounds like she was always a piece of work! And you sound like a softy. Sorry, but…really?
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MargaretMcKen Feb 2023
No, she sounds quite normal, not like "a piece of work". And OP sounds quite normal too, not like "a softy". OP was away for "weeks at a time", and probably did the obvious himself. A pity it came up, but so what?
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Of course you’re shocked and hurt, who wouldn’t be in hearing such confessions. Please bear in mind that the same brain, that is sadly broken, telling you these tales now as truth, quite possibly can’t be relied upon to distinguish truth from fiction anymore. She could just as easily be confusing memories of others and mixing in her own life, who really knows? Make peace with not knowing what happened years ago, and relying on the good memory you have of the wife who loved and cared for you. She’s still in there. Change the topic each and every time the past comes up so you don’t have to endure any more confessions, whether they be true or false. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this in the sunset times of a long relationship
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I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. I’m sure that it’s confusing.

Some people want to know the whole story and others find that knowing the ‘when, where and with whom’ would be extremely painful.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about these things. It’s very personal, and I certainly understand that this is a difficult situation for you.

What’s done is done. You know that you can’t ‘undo’ anything. You have cared for your wife for many years. Obviously, you love her.

Have you considered speaking with someone about how you feel? It may help to seek out a therapist who can help you put everything in perspective.

Also, please remember that your wife has dementia, so you can’t take everything that she says as gospel.

If her comments are true, and it hurts to hear details, do you feel obligated to listen? You can always excuse yourself and walk away.

I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on in your caregiving journey. Take care.
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I wouldn't put an ounce of credence in these stories. Brains afflicted with dementia come up with strange things at times.

If these are new delusions, make sure you mention them to her doctor; sudden onset of new symptoms are often caused by urinary tract infections with no other symptoms.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Yes, if his remark about occasionally hinting at a ‘past’ are conversations after her dementia diagnosis, I feel like you.

He doesn’t specify exactly when these ‘hints’ started.

My mom started telling me all sorts of stories towards the end as her dementia progressed that couldn’t possibly be true.

One time she said that my grandfather went to get his mother from a reservation. She claimed that we had Native American ancestry. We don’t. I did 23andme testing. My grandfather was European, English, Spanish and French. Mom’s mother was German and French. We have no Native American DNA. I have done genealogy research that has confirmed this.
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I was going to suggest getting her checked for a UTI. Great minds, Barb......
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Say nothing and ignore it. Chances are she’s delusional. I knew someone who had dementia and was 90. She started saying that her husband had achievements that we knew he didn’t. She said he’d been mayor of their town. This went on for a while with more added details, such as having a daughter named “Chris,” which wasn’t true. Her family finally figured it out. Both her husband and her boss of 45 years before were named “Richard.” Her boss Richard had actually been mayor before she worked for him. His daughter was named Chris and she’d confused her husband Richard with her boss Richard.

I wouldn’t believe anything that comes out of a dementia patient’s mouth!
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Mother had various delusions. In her case it wasn't a UTI. It was the dementia. She still appeared normal in many ways but these stories were not true. We knew that. Regarding your wife, even if she doesn't have a UTI, it is likely the dementia talking.
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I can barely remember the husband I married 28 years ago as those earlier memories are obstructed by memories of the last 15 years of my husband’s gradual disappearance and being replaced by a stranger who tells me some things that would break the heart of his former self. He and his parents seemed to have come out of a Norman Rockwell photo. He never cursed. He was a straight arrow, reliable, kind, thoughtful and he had the best funny bone. In the last 5 years he hoards poop and calls me c’su*k**. This is as impossible a thing as Bob Hope saying such a thing. Never, ever, could this have happened before dementia. 

About 3 weeks ago I got a call from the day care facility my husband attends to tell me that he was necking with another attendee. Of course the staff are alerted and on top of that, but I started to giggle picturing in my mind how ludicrous that was.

I was stunned but he has dementia. I am not hurt over my husband acting like a 13 year old. To a man/woman every friend I told this to busted out laughing at the thought. Me too. I’d rather that hadn’t happened but he’s out of his former mind. When he got home I asked him how his day went. He didn’t remember. I said that I heard it was pretty interesting and then told him what I was told and he said "Nooo. Get outta here". These poor demented folks don’t know.

Your wife’s tongue is not loosening. She’s making up a world where a woman is wanted. After a while you could throw in a curve ball and ask if she dated Burt Reynolds and she may say that she did. My husband said he knew the Beatles. Now if in the next few years he tells me he played with the Beatles I’d have to give him some creative points.

You wife must’ve missed you terribly when you went away for weeks and maybe at this heart breaking time for you you might have forgotten the reassuring phone conversations you made to each other during your separations and the happy reunions. 

Upon returning from one of your trips she may have hinted at a former life to test you maybe to draw you out to find what you may have been up to while away or, because of her insecurities, she wanted to let you know that even though you could go away from her she was desirable to someone, she had value. Childish, but I don’t know her background and we all cope as we can. 

Remember, the former person your wife was always told you that she was faithful. The person is now is a child without filters and scrambled eggs for a memory. 

You also say she's beginning to be more honest and open with you? Honesty and openness from a person with dementia. You must be kidding.

You're heart is breaking. Your wife is unwell. Join a support group. The antics and stories you'll hear will make you laugh, shake you head, maybe frighten you a little but they will make you feel better and learn that what your wife is devolving into should not be taken personally.

Stay strong.
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Odaat59 Feb 2023
“You also say she's beginning to be more honest and open with you? Honesty and openness from a person with dementia. You must be kidding.”

I just shook my head when I read this. Believing a seriously demented person’s stories is insane. This has the potential to get really bad, if the husband doesn’t get himself some Alzeheimer/dementia knowledge ASAP!
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I’ve posted this before on other threads, but it may be of comfort to know that mother thought she was going to marry Elvis. She even bought the ring. She looked out the window all day waiting for him. This somehow filled a need for romance that she felt at 92, with dementia and in a wheelchair.
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I’m sorry you are going through this. It is indeed very hurtful. However, if her dementia is noticeable, you don’t know if she is telling the truth or if it is just fantasy. The worst is when she can repeat the delusion over and over again, accurately.

I can vouch that a delusion can repeated accurately and it really is a false memory.

My mother believed that her sister was alive and she visited recently. This particular sister died nearly 8 years ago and the last 3 that she was alive, my mother never was able to visit her because she didn’t want visitors.

We finally got her off this train of thought by asking a lot of questions about the last time she visited. For instance, we asked what she was wearing, where was the visit, who was taking care of her, etc.

If your wife brings up the topic, you might want to delve deeper into it so that she can release the thoughts and move onto another subject. These delusions can really be tough to deal with.

Hang in there…
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I wouldn’t necessarily take what she is saying seriously. A lot of dementia patients will say things that are not true. For example my mom told me a story a couple weeks ago saying she was wanted for murder. She told me a whole story about it and even retold the story to my daughter. I know it’s not true. But they will sometimes fill in gaps with things they think are real. Also I’ve noticed that when my mom has her tv on she tends to use what she’s heard as basis for her stories.
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My mother often said in her dementia, that she’d had two husbands.

She hadn’t.

Had I considered what she said factual, I’d be left wondering which of her husbands my father was.

Knowing that she had dementia, the thought ever even occurred to me, nor should painful thoughts occur to you.

As long as you don’t have dementia, you may confidently disregard what she says in hers.
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What you hear from a demented mind is NOT to be taken seriously.
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My mom had frequent anxiety attacks while in her NH about the fact that she hadn't paid her income taxes in 1933 (when she would have been 10 years old).

In short, please don't take this to heart. And no, I don't think that the delusions that come with dementia represent any sort of repressed desires or unfulfilled wishes.
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My LO thought that a family member that he doesn't like was driving by the house and stopping at the corner to look at his house. He kept saying that so-and-so was there in his white truck several times over a few months. The truth is that it was a yard care worker checking on the treatment to the yard. He treats several lawns in the neighborhood and drives through frequently. So-and-so has a truck, but not a white one as far as I know.
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Sorry about this, however, I wouldn't believe everything she is now saying. They make a lot of "stuff" up, as they are living in a fantasy world, one that may have never existed. They embellish and at times are delusional.

Very sad, but ever so true, this is a broken mind at work, I would let it go.

Sending support your way!
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Please, please don't believe these things. TV and dreams become a part of her reality. You say her friend HG got around. That may be what she remembers and her mind can no longer put those memories in perspective. She sees them as her doing it. This came to me after a thought just flew into my mind the other day. This must be what its like for those suffering from Dementia. Thoughts just constantly run thru their minds. Not in any kind of order. I know my Mom would get talking and I would answer her and get that look "WHAT!". Because she was on another thought by the time I answered and and had forgotten what she said.

Your wife no longer knows what is real.
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Wholeheartedly agree with all who've said it's the dementia talking. If you do the research, you'll be convinced. But, allow me another take -- say it is true, you've loved this woman since she was 18. She's now 78 and dying. Don't stop loving her now.
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She has dementia...
she is not "reminded" that the secrets are not worth keeping...she does not "know" they are secret.
She is not being more "honest" with you..with dementia filters are dropped or lost. This is why someone that never swore now sounds like a longshoreman on a 3 day binge...why someone will expose themselves or urinate in the street, or behind a potted plant.
You can ignore what she is saying. I doubt anyone would ever ask you if what she is saying is the truth. They may speculate that this is the plot line from a "bodice ripping book" she read a long time ago.
I think in your heart, deep down you have always known the truth and now it is just more difficult for you to burry.
You can do 1 of 2 things.
Forgive the past. (This does not mean you have to forgive her nor does it mean you need to forget.)
Let this recent confirmation of her truth eat away at you and destroy what memories you do have of your life together.
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Do not believe that what your wife is claiming to be her "past" is true. Her brain is broken and it cannot be relied upon in any way. People with dementia create bogus memories - false stories - as they are talking. They are easily confused. They may even believe something they saw on TV to have happened to them in real life.

That said, next time you visit your wife, bring her flowers and make her feel like that special lady you married. If she wants to feel wanted, give it to her. Trust your instinct to "say nothing and ignore it" and flirt with her instead. And if she does start up again with the stories, leave. Hearing those things hurts and you don't have to endure more hurt.
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The demented mind is not to be trusted or even believed............do not engage.

Throw your "instincts" out with the trash and accept her at her level today (not yesterday).

Make an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help you and offer medications if you get stuck in pain (imaginary or otherwise).

Move forward and don't look back.
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* A Post-Script reply from the original poster. When I met my wife she was aged 16, I was 18, and ambitious. I fell in love with her during our very first and many subsequent meetings. From the beginning, she appeared to me to be someone from a poor family who had pride, was poorly dressed, who claimed she was jealous of other girls, especially those from the more prosperous parts of town, she once said something bluntly honest about herself when she once remarked "Rich boys never date poor girls." From the beginning her mother and aunt who lived with them liked me, her father did not, he never did, I think he could not see what I could see in his daughter and suspected my motives, his fears were groundless and proved to be so, and her father 'case' was not helped when I discovered he had served time in prison for fraud and his often repeated claims to be a 1944 Normandy Beaches war hero were untrue, the eye injury he had (he was facially scarred and blind in one eye) was not the result of the war wounds but caused by him falling off his pedal-bike and the handlebars bouncing up and hitting him in the face!.

The last few days have been terrible for me, I am a softy, and I do love her and always will, the statements she made about her past affairs were not her dementia speaking, but the truth, I think we all need to accept that men and women sometimes do lead secret lives and their occasional long-ago sexual adventures are important to them insofar as they increase their own self-respect and value. My problem is: I have been married to her for 60 years and never expected this finale to such a life-long friendship and love affair. My mother always said she was a Gold Digger, but let us be honest aren't we all? When we both die we will be buried side by side and hold hands. I would not have it any other way.
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Grandma1954 Feb 2023
😥 I am sorry that she is bringing up history that is painful.
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You say she had a rather promiscuous friend HG. I'm sure HG told her many stories of her exploits back in the day. Your wife may be confusing these stories with her own experiences. I would not put much credence into them, you can't really know if she's speaking truth or her own delusions. Change the subject and try to remember the wife you knew and loved.
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I am so sorry that you feel your wife is telling you the truth after most of our posts are telling you why she is saying the things she does. Maybe in the back of your mind you have always felt she was cheating. You maybe saw signs you just pushed back. Whatever, it can't be changed now. You loved her. Maybe you were the one who was suppose to love her. To give her the stability she needed. The time u spend with her now will be the most precious. Just continue to love her.

“we are all gold diggers” Not me or I wouldn't have married the one I have. We have been comfortable. If I wanted something we couldn't afford on one salary, I went to work. We have lived in the same house for 40 yrs. His car is 13 yrs old, mine 10. Poor man loves me. Thats so much better than money.
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I am very sorry for all you are going through. I think you need a therapist to help you through this potential betrayal.

You have endured a whole life of people playing into your fears of infidelity, suspicion, mis-trust and judgement. While your wife was healthy, you could combat the mental and emotional abuse together. However, she is not available any longer to help you through this.

At this point, whatever the truth is, doesn't really matter. But what matters is for you to heal enough to give your wife all the support, that you can muster during her time of this illness.

Please talk to the facility. They might have some therapists that they recommend. Talk to your PCP or any of the doctors that are associated with your wife or yourself and hopefully one of them will have a referral.

I am not a guy. If you were female, I would tell you to go talk about it with your social circle as for females, that seems to help with the sting. Hence, I suggest you find a good therapist. You don't want something like this to prevent you from living your best life now and in the future.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Please take the steps toward healing. Your wife needs you during this illness and you owe it to yourself for your future.
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Questions:
1) Have you ever ‘strayed’ yourself? Told a lie? Confessed? What was your wife’s reaction?
2) How has your marriage gone in the years since all her ‘straying’ is supposed to have happened?
3) Have you been happy together overall?
4) What would you gain (for both of you) by busting things up now?
5) What would you gain by making yourself miserable thinking about this?

The statistics of how many married people have ‘cheated’ in the course of their marriage are usually fairly shocking. The best thing for most people is not to know, or do your best to forget. Another strategy is to talk together about those old experiences, and have a laugh over how stupid you were. And how much better your marriage together has been than all those old mistakes.

PS My guess is that chewing over it with a therapist will be worse, not better.
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RetiredBuilder Feb 2023
Reply to Margaret Mcken, from your name it appears we share Scots roots.

1. I had one affair with an Ingrid Bergman look-alike in of all places Russia, we met on a train traveling between Leningrad and Moscow. My wife guessed as much and accepted the situation. 2. Our marriage was always happy - my wife was not a habitual strayer, but a woman with normal instincts and behavior patterns. 3. Yes, more than happy overall. 4. I will not break up with her, she is my right arm and right leg and we shared lots of happy times. the last 2 days I spent 5 hours and 7 hours with her in the care home and fell asleep on her bed. I am miserable because she shattered my dreams, bing-bang-boom, nothing will be gained by closing the door on her and I do not intend to do so. What has surprised me is how many posters do not think she needs to be blamed. And have overlooked during the last 40 years she's sat by my side with this secret pretending to me it never happened. I am lost without her and shattered. Love and respects to all.
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So you "rescued" a poor young girl, married her, regardless that you and your parents felt her to be a "gold digger", and "allowed" her to stay home and raise your children, cook and clean for you, so she didn't have to hold down a "real" job, which, if broken down by each duty she performed as mother, wife, cook, laundress, etc, should have paid her 3x what you were making. And while you had to rise at 5 and not be home till after 7pm, she had to rise all night long to tend to babies who needed her, 24/7, while you were likely left to sleep uninterrupted. Not to mention, she was left alone to do everything for 14+ hours a day, leaving you little time together as a married couple. Think maybe she was lonely at any time as a result?


It sure sounds to me like you're now attempting to create a narrative for everyone where your wife is The Unfaithful Gold Digging Hussy, and you're the poor, innocent victim of such a person, shame on her. With no evidence to back up your accusations, just lots of sour grapes, hunches and finger pointing at a woman who now cannot defend herself bc she has dementia. Nor can ANYTHING she says be trusted at all, yet you can discern when "her dementia " is talking vs. "The Non Demented Lucid Wife" of long ago. Why not? Fits your narrative of the Betrayed Husband rather well.

File all of your hunches in file 13 and presume your wife stayed with you bc she loves you. If something transpired in the past, its done and over with. Don't put YOURSELF thru unnecessary agony trying to figure out if and how she wronged you in the past. All that matters is what happens moving forward. Cut her off at the pass if she wants to bring up hurtful topics again. I left my mother's presence in the Memory Care ALF when she got ranting and raving at me. There's no point in enduring the hateful gibberish they often spew, or trying to figure out if it's true or false. That ship has sailed long ago. Try to dwell on all the positive times you both shared together vs what she's CLAIMING happened now. Addled brains say a lot of stuff....half bull and the other half sh$t is what I found listening to my mother for years.

I hope you can put the past in the past and move forward with a clean slate for both of you.
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RetiredBuilder Feb 2023
Reply to Leonie, I do love the boldness and door-kicking tempo of your reply. Guess what it is 4.50 am and this retired elderly person (myself) just got up to go to work, I have no work and am trying to keep active and busy. My marriage was always happy, Both my wife and I made sure of that, we traveled the world together and held hands in too many places to name here, My post was about Dementia's unspoken drawbacks including my wife's recent 'revelations' coupled with her acceptance that she is not going to leave the care home alive!
It may assist your reasoning powers for you know that she cannot walk, cannot stand unaided and I have looked after her as a husband-carer including having to deal with her double incontinence daily. I was proud of her, loved her, and still do. I know in your books this reveals I am a mug, a foolish fool, I am also very kind-hearted and loveable, I just wish my wife had kept her mouth shut and lived out her faithful wife image until the very end. I can visualize her funeral and me standing there saying goodbye knowing her secret life knifed me in the heart. I will keep her secrets and not tell our children what she said, they share my opinions of her also. Go figure. Respects to all,
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This I dont know how to handle...I can only imagine lol
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Op, the possibility that your wife might get sexual at her care home are nonzero as the trend is to encourage this if both want it at the moment. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201709/the-new-erotic-frontier-sex-in-nursing-homes

Sandra Day O Connor knew her husband had taken up with another woman at his facility and let it go. So should you if this happens in the present.

As to the past, whether her statements are delusions or a confession, I’d take it the same either way. There’s nothing to be done now if she truthfully did slut around in1967 or 1979 or whenever that was.

If you sense she wants forgiveness, say you forgive her.
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