I'm new to the whole VA system. It doesn't seem from commercials like wounded warrior that they offer as much as they should or all that's available. Can I trust them? Most that you deal with aren't even veterans themselves.
You need to tell this family member that your friend has Dementia and can no longer do her yard.
Do you live with this person? Are you really more than a friend? If just a friend trying to help another friend, you may want to call APS in. Tell them u can no longer care for this person, his care is more than you are capable of. The State should then take over his care.
My mantra "I am here to help people find the way, not be the way"
Wounded Warrior is for servicemen disabled in the line of duty. It helps them find the resources needed to get what they need, I think, to be seen at one of the VA hospitals, you have to sign up. There should be a County VA Dept. VFWs can find you help. A lot may depend on if he was drafted, enlisted or retired after 20 yrs.
Keky13, dementia robs people of their inability to empathize. This is most likely why your friend is not showing appreciation for your efforts, and never will no matter how much you do for them.
From your profile: I am caring for my friend with alzheimer's / dementia, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, and vision problems.
About Me I am a friend, but my life has been put on hold and not with as much appreciation as expected. I feel my appreciation as caregiver is mostly limited to what I can bring to the table. There is one family member who's only concern is if her yard gets mowed by the client. All I asked when he went to mow is that one of them extend me a quick call or text to let me know he arrived safely since he's gotten lost a few times. His neurologist recommended he not drive and the sheriff's deputy that found him lost on one occasion agreed. I've caught him plotting to sneak out when I've put my foot down and tried to explain it wasn't only his life he's jeopardizing, but his mental state either doesn't comprehend or care. I have several health issues of my own and all are being either ignored or put on the back burner. I've not had 24 hours away in 10 months because I am the only caregiver. He's approved for in home help but refuses because he doesn't want anyone in his home. I took the role when he was having surgeries and such, but wasn't expecting a lifetime sentence. I care about him but, I'm overwhelmed, but et out and myself becoming resentful. I want only the best for him, but don't think I can provide that much longer, aside from the fact it's also draining me financially. I want out of the constant responsibilities, but I also want to be sure he's treated well, not abused, or stolen from. I will end up in a psychiatric ward if this continues. I feel I'm totally wasting what are supposed to be my own happy, golden years because I don't feel I have that many left to work with. Also, I know if the shoe were on the other foot, this person wouldn't leave his home one night to care for me. Hopefully I've given you a decent picture and don't come across as awful as I feel about it all. I also feel that no matter what I do or have done, it will not be looked on as enough although everyone says I'm an angel for doing it. I know people, they are quick to criticize when the threat of them doing better is not a reality. Last thing, I'm only heath poa and all his property is willed to me despite the fact I don't want it and never have. Thank you so much! Keky
You're in way over your head, trying to care for a friend with dementia and expecting appreciation for your efforts. Folks with dementia appreciate little to nothing, they're in another world. They should not be driving, ever, under any circumstances, period. Or mowing lawns either. I'd resign my healthcare POA if I were you and get APS involved to help your friend. Or, you can get him involved with the VA and wish him luck.
I case this is of any help I thought I would post. Some people do not know what is available for Veterans. To anyone having difficulty getting care for a veteran here is a description of some of the areas of specialty. At one point I worked in a VA neuropathology research lab. These types of services are available nationwide in most large cities. Example: VA Hospital Boston MA Specialty care Expand all + Allergy, asthma and immunology Amputation care Audiology and speech Hearing, speech, and balance Bariatric surgery Weight loss surgery Blind and low vision rehabilitation COVID-19 vaccines Cancer care Cardiology Heart and circulation Cardiovascular surgery Heart surgery Chiropractic Critical care Dental/oral surgery Mouth, teeth, gum, and oral care Dermatology Skin conditions and diseases Diabetic care Endocrinology Hormones Gastroenterology Digestive care, GI Hematology/oncology Blood disorders and medical oncology Nephrology Kidney and renal care Neurology Brain, spine, and nervous system Common conditions: cognitive disorders, epilepsy, headache motor neuron and movement disorders, multiple sclerosis, stroke Our specialists evaluate and treat conditions and diseases of the brain, spine, and nervous system, including headache, stroke, Alzheimer's disease, epilepsy, Parkinson’s disease, and other conditions.
Available at these locations Care we provide at VA Boston health care. We provide inpatient and outpatient services for chronic diseases and disorders that affect your brain, spine, and the nerves that connect them. Our neurologists read electroencephalogram (EEG) recordings, which measure the electrical impulses brain cells use to communicate with each other. We evaluate and treat many neurological illnesses and disorders such as: Neuropathy (nerve damage), myelopathy and other spinal cord injuries, and radiculopathy (pinched nerves) Parkinson’s disease, epilepsy, and multiple sclerosis Stroke, dementia and degenerative diseases. Other neurological conditions To access care, ask your Primary Care team for a referral.
Among a litany of other things you tell us this as regards your very ungrateful "friend".
"I also feel that no matter what I do or have done, it will not be looked on as enough although everyone says I'm an angel for doing it. I know people, they are quick to criticize when the threat of them doing better is not a reality. Last thing, I'm only heath poa and all his property is willed to me despite the fact I don't want it and never have. Thank you so much! "
I will certainly be one who tells you that I do not view you as an angel but as someone who is making very poor decisions for your own life. You are a grownup, so you will have to make your own decisions for your own life, which is what you have been doing despite abysmal treatment. So I will leave you to your own decisions and I will wish you luck.
The one thing I will tell you is that if you leave for your own sake and to make a decent life for yourself then it is crucial that you contact APS to report this "friends" as a senior at risk so that social services can get together and do what should be done for him.
As to this whole will thing? He should spend his assets now (if he indeed HAS any) on himself. As to your getting anything out of this relationship now or in future I suspect that as likely as pigs flying. I saw that after about 5 years on this Forum, and having as an 81 y/o retired RN having "seen a lot" but not yet flying pigs.
Here are 2 resources for you to check Veterans Support Coalition 1-847-612-2547
Illinois Department Veterans Affairs Coles County 1-217-345-2192
When you talk to anyone they will not give you information unless the Veteran is with you or you are directly related to the Veteran. You should have with you/them the following info DD214 Social Security Card for Veteran, Spouse, dependent children Illinois photo ID card for Veteran and spouse Copy of marriage license Voided check (for direct deposit of any benefits that will be due) Any medical information to support any claims Names of any non VA providers
(I just happened to get this list to give to my BIL)
If anyone wants payment for any help in obtaining benefits all info can be obtained free of charge. (in some cases people do pay to have claims resubmitted but that is not necessary...the VA may take a while. Any benefits will be paid retroactive from the date a claim is filed.)
If you have no luck with the numbers above PM me and I can give you another number. the person is not in Coles County but might help
@Keky13 - from your profile it looks like you are caring for a friend. Do you have POA for your friend or is there a POA established? I ask because when we started working on behalf of my FIL - he had to give family permission to advocate for him with the VA because the POA was not invoked.
That being said- here is literally what one of the ladies in the VA office (that worked with Low Vision) said to us - "You have to advocate for yourself. They are not going to open the firehose and just start giving you everything - there are a lot of options available, but YOU have to tell them what you need."
Working with the VA for a loved one - is a labor of love - but in my experience- there was little that my FIL was ever turned down for (almost to the extreme) but he had to tell them what he needed.
Some of the things my FIL received thanks to the VA: - Mobility Scooter and lift kit for his car to transport it - Stair lift and garage elevator (for him to ride his scooter up on to from the car so he could go straight to the stair lift) - Hospital beds and multiple replacement mattresses - Multiple walkers - Wheelchair - MULTIPLE grab bars throughout the house - Weekly bath aide (3 times a week) - Respite care for family (requirements for this has changed I believe since this happened for us) - Multiple doctors and low or no cost medications - Magnifying reader - Magnifying lights - Grabbers - Computer monitor, and computer assistance to set up his computer in a way that worked for him. - They were going to give him a VR system but it wouldn't work with his internet setup. - They were going to give him money to assist with an entire bathroom remodel - to make it accessible - but because he would have to pay anything at all FIL refused to do it) - Glasses - Special shoes - Hearing Aids
And finally - when we could no longer take care of him at home- he was admitted to the VA Home about an hour away - where they covered ALL of his expenses (based on his 70% service disability) until he passed away.
The VA has made - in my opinion based on what my FIL received vs what my grandfather received - efforts to improve what options they make available to our veterans.
BUT - they don't do ANYTHING fast. It generally takes an inordinate amount of time to get pretty much anything. And you have to ASK for what is needed.
No, you need to do your research up front (like getting excellent input on this forum from those experienced with the VA) and then learn how to be an advocate. You cannot coast or expect anyone to spoon-feed you. No one in the care and medical community has time for that. It's on you.
Do you live with this person? Are you really more than a friend? If just a friend trying to help another friend, you may want to call APS in. Tell them u can no longer care for this person, his care is more than you are capable of. The State should then take over his care.
My mantra "I am here to help people find the way, not be the way"
Wounded Warrior is for servicemen disabled in the line of duty. It helps them find the resources needed to get what they need, I think, to be seen at one of the VA hospitals, you have to sign up.
There should be a County VA Dept. VFWs can find you help. A lot may depend on if he was drafted, enlisted or retired after 20 yrs.
I am caring for my friend with alzheimer's / dementia, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, and vision problems.
About Me
I am a friend, but my life has been put on hold and not with as much appreciation as expected. I feel my appreciation as caregiver is mostly limited to what I can bring to the table. There is one family member who's only concern is if her yard gets mowed by the client. All I asked when he went to mow is that one of them extend me a quick call or text to let me know he arrived safely since he's gotten lost a few times. His neurologist recommended he not drive and the sheriff's deputy that found him lost on one occasion agreed. I've caught him plotting to sneak out when I've put my foot down and tried to explain it wasn't only his life he's jeopardizing, but his mental state either doesn't comprehend or care. I have several health issues of my own and all are being either ignored or put on the back burner. I've not had 24 hours away in 10 months because I am the only caregiver. He's approved for in home help but refuses because he doesn't want anyone in his home. I took the role when he was having surgeries and such, but wasn't expecting a lifetime sentence. I care about him but, I'm overwhelmed, but et out and myself becoming resentful. I want only the best for him, but don't think I can provide that much longer, aside from the fact it's also draining me financially. I want out of the constant responsibilities, but I also want to be sure he's treated well, not abused, or stolen from. I will end up in a psychiatric ward if this continues. I feel I'm totally wasting what are supposed to be my own happy, golden years because I don't feel I have that many left to work with. Also, I know if the shoe were on the other foot, this person wouldn't leave his home one night to care for me.
Hopefully I've given you a decent picture and don't come across as awful as I feel about it all.
I also feel that no matter what I do or have done, it will not be looked on as enough although everyone says I'm an angel for doing it. I know people, they are quick to criticize when the threat of them doing better is not a reality. Last thing, I'm only heath poa and all his property is willed to me despite the fact I don't want it and never have. Thank you so much! Keky
You're in way over your head, trying to care for a friend with dementia and expecting appreciation for your efforts. Folks with dementia appreciate little to nothing, they're in another world. They should not be driving, ever, under any circumstances, period. Or mowing lawns either. I'd resign my healthcare POA if I were you and get APS involved to help your friend. Or, you can get him involved with the VA and wish him luck.
Example: VA Hospital Boston MA
Specialty care
Expand all +
Allergy, asthma and immunology
Amputation care
Audiology and speech Hearing, speech, and balance
Bariatric surgery Weight loss surgery
Blind and low vision rehabilitation
COVID-19 vaccines
Cancer care
Cardiology Heart and circulation
Cardiovascular surgery Heart surgery
Chiropractic
Critical care
Dental/oral surgery Mouth, teeth, gum, and oral care
Dermatology Skin conditions and diseases
Diabetic care
Endocrinology Hormones
Gastroenterology Digestive care, GI
Hematology/oncology Blood disorders and medical oncology
Nephrology Kidney and renal care
Neurology Brain, spine, and nervous system
Common conditions: cognitive disorders, epilepsy, headache motor neuron and movement disorders, multiple sclerosis, stroke
Our specialists evaluate and treat conditions and diseases of the brain, spine, and nervous system, including headache, stroke, Alzheimer's disease, epilepsy, Parkinson’s disease, and other conditions.
Available at these locations
Care we provide at VA Boston health care.
We provide inpatient and outpatient services for chronic diseases and disorders that affect your brain, spine, and the nerves that connect them. Our neurologists read electroencephalogram (EEG) recordings, which measure the electrical impulses brain cells use to communicate with each other. We evaluate and treat many neurological illnesses and disorders such as:
Neuropathy (nerve damage), myelopathy and other spinal cord injuries, and radiculopathy (pinched nerves)
Parkinson’s disease, epilepsy, and multiple sclerosis
Stroke, dementia and degenerative diseases.
Other neurological conditions
To access care, ask your Primary Care team for a referral.
"I also feel that no matter what I do or have done, it will not be looked on as enough although everyone says I'm an angel for doing it. I know people, they are quick to criticize when the threat of them doing better is not a reality. Last thing, I'm only heath poa and all his property is willed to me despite the fact I don't want it and never have. Thank you so much! "
I will certainly be one who tells you that I do not view you as an angel but as someone who is making very poor decisions for your own life.
You are a grownup, so you will have to make your own decisions for your own life, which is what you have been doing despite abysmal treatment. So I will leave you to your own decisions and I will wish you luck.
The one thing I will tell you is that if you leave for your own sake and to make a decent life for yourself then it is crucial that you contact APS to report this "friends" as a senior at risk so that social services can get together and do what should be done for him.
As to this whole will thing? He should spend his assets now (if he indeed HAS any) on himself. As to your getting anything out of this relationship now or in future I suspect that as likely as pigs flying. I saw that after about 5 years on this Forum, and having as an 81 y/o retired RN having "seen a lot" but not yet flying pigs.
Veterans Support Coalition
1-847-612-2547
Illinois Department Veterans Affairs Coles County
1-217-345-2192
When you talk to anyone they will not give you information unless the Veteran is with you or you are directly related to the Veteran.
You should have with you/them the following info
DD214
Social Security Card for Veteran, Spouse, dependent children
Illinois photo ID card for Veteran and spouse
Copy of marriage license
Voided check (for direct deposit of any benefits that will be due)
Any medical information to support any claims
Names of any non VA providers
(I just happened to get this list to give to my BIL)
If anyone wants payment for any help in obtaining benefits all info can be obtained free of charge. (in some cases people do pay to have claims resubmitted but that is not necessary...the VA may take a while. Any benefits will be paid retroactive from the date a claim is filed.)
If you have no luck with the numbers above PM me and I can give you another number. the person is not in Coles County but might help
That being said- here is literally what one of the ladies in the VA office (that worked with Low Vision) said to us - "You have to advocate for yourself. They are not going to open the firehose and just start giving you everything - there are a lot of options available, but YOU have to tell them what you need."
Working with the VA for a loved one - is a labor of love - but in my experience- there was little that my FIL was ever turned down for (almost to the extreme) but he had to tell them what he needed.
Some of the things my FIL received thanks to the VA:
- Mobility Scooter and lift kit for his car to transport it
- Stair lift and garage elevator (for him to ride his scooter up on to from the car
so he could go straight to the stair lift)
- Hospital beds and multiple replacement mattresses
- Multiple walkers
- Wheelchair
- MULTIPLE grab bars throughout the house
- Weekly bath aide (3 times a week)
- Respite care for family (requirements for this has changed I believe since this happened for us)
- Multiple doctors and low or no cost medications
- Magnifying reader
- Magnifying lights
- Grabbers
- Computer monitor, and computer assistance to set up his computer in a way that worked for him.
- They were going to give him a VR system but it wouldn't work with his internet setup.
- They were going to give him money to assist with an entire bathroom remodel - to make it accessible - but because he would have to pay anything at all FIL refused to do it)
- Glasses
- Special shoes
- Hearing Aids
And finally - when we could no longer take care of him at home- he was admitted to the VA Home about an hour away - where they covered ALL of his expenses (based on his 70% service disability) until he passed away.
The VA has made - in my opinion based on what my FIL received vs what my grandfather received - efforts to improve what options they make available to our veterans.
BUT - they don't do ANYTHING fast. It generally takes an inordinate amount of time to get pretty much anything. And you have to ASK for what is needed.