My husband had a massive stroke 2 1/2 yrs. ago at age 61. He never should have survived but they pulled him thru. He's paralyzed, speech is affected too. He's had one health crisis after another. Last week he had to have a kidney removed. He's been in and out of the hospital so much these last few months. He lives in a nursing home but I go to see him 2-3 times a week. When he's in the hospital I go daily. He's been telling me he wants to come home to live. I work full time and try to manage my home, laundry, mowing etc. myself. I can't afford to hire anyone. I feel like I did wrong in keeping him alive when he had he stroke. He doesn't like living this way either. I've been on anti depressants for over 2 yrs. But lately, I just can't take it any more. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I was there every day to see him for the first year and then had to cut back. Sometimes I dread going there. I had to get him on Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home. He got SS Disability after 6 months but that goes towards his care as well as the retirement he was getting. I'm tying to survive on what I make and when I have repairs to my vehicle which was over $1100 and a emergency at home, I don't have the extra money to fix it. Twice I've had to short the payment to the nursing home because of emergencies.I had to have some limbs taken off a tree last week at home tha were cracking in the wind and going to fall on my house. That was over $700 alone. Now the nursing home is on my case for not paying them and threatening to take approprate action to collect the money. So much stress....I don't know how much more I can take. None of our friends go to visit him. Just me. Even with him in the hospital, no one has stopped by. I just want to have a life of mine own again. This last week these feelings have gotten worse.
First thing I want to say is that you did the right thing in trying to keep him alive. Isn't that what we all do and wouldn't he have done the same for you? That's everyone's goal - to keep our loved ones with us as long as we can! Kudos to you my dear! Please stop second guessing yourself and please dump the guilt!
I'm going to simply throw this thought to you as it is the first thing that came to my mind after reading your post. Perhaps you should seek some legal advice in this situation. I know that attorney fees are high but maybe you can find Legal Aid in your area. This might free your mind to some degree and give you a little peace of mind in the financial area of your situation. When we have creditors breathing down our necks, it makes things pretty chaotic! Look into that for yourself!
As far as friends visiting, I think to some degree that's pretty normal. Many times our friends simply don't know what to say to make things better. As well, it's scary to see something like that happen to someone close to us - perhaps it could happen to us as well? Out of sight, out of mind! That doesn't let anyone off the hook for not visiting - it's just the way some people are! It's nothing personal and please don't see it that way. Sometimes we just have to be blunt and ask those close to us for what we need.
Of course your husband doesn't like living like this! Who would? I'm sure he must know how hard your life has become and he, most likely, feels guilty that he has burden you!
You haven't mentioned family as a support system - hopefully this is an option. In addition, hospitals have many good support groups available. You might check to see what's offered. No one can go through these situations alone! Please get some help.
Finally, at the risk of sounding trite, look hard for one thing in your life that you are grateful for! It may be nothing more than this website! It may be something very, very small. It's just that everyone on this earth has something good and we may have to search very hard to find it. When we do find it and focus on it, it will become more. Remember the mustard seed!
Be well my friend and I will be thinking of you.
But I do understand your stress and your anguish and your guilt. What an awful, awful situation to be dumped into. You are continuing to do your best to love and care for your husband. That is what counts. Your wish that things were different, your uncertainty whether keeping him alive after the stroke was a good thing, and even your wish for his death now do not seem unnatural to me.
With all of the focus on taking care of Husband, it is hard to take care of yourself, but it is essential. I suggest counselling for you. Ask the social worker where your husband is for resources that you can afford and that insurance covers. Your painful feelings, though natural, are overwhelming you. You deserve help. Unfortunately it doesn't look like anyone is going to come along and provide that or even suggest it, so it is one more thing to put on your already over-crowded task list. But please put it at the top -- you need some relief from this stress. Therapy can help.
I'm so sorry you don't have a support system and that your friends don't visit your husband. You will find a strong support system on this site and many people to relate to. It is a lot of stress to handle on your own.
Sending you hugs and hugs and more hugs - blessings to you and hope things get a little better. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Take care.
With hospitalizations of longer than 72 hours, Medicare coverage may kick in for up to 100 days if any progress in a program of rehabiliation can be demonstrated, and at least you are not supposed to get stuck with the hospital bills or the medication costs themselves.
Its hard, very hard, to keep doing what's best for a loved one to the best of your ability and to avoid having regrets or wondering if you could have done something different. It is only human to find yourself wishing for a way out. I know that no one just volunteers to be a sounding board for all that and to help sort through the realities of what options you really might have. An eldercare lawyer who offers low cost or free initial consultation or even an insurance expert who sells Medicare supplements might be a feasible way to get real help, if the facility social worker won't take the time to explain anything in terms of other choices. Now we are here for you on AgingCare and have maybe "been there done that" and for sure can keep you and hubby in our hearts and prayers, I hope that's "something" and we sure hope to hear more of your story, whatever you feel able to share...with some e-hugs, too...
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