I have been easily manipulated my entire life. Spent much of my time trying to make those around me happier than I ever could make myself. I appreciate time by myself, but don’t get more than an hour or so at a time a couple times a year.
If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important. If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value.
There is just too much stuff I could elaborate on but I just couldn’t explain it.
I use to be just like you well into adulthood. It wasn't until my mid-30's (I'm almost 58 now) that I LEARNED how to say "no" and try to do that without feeling the need to give an explanation (unless you really want to or feel the situation warrants one) because that weakens it. I can tell you firsthand it is so freeing and liberating. There's a saying - "When in Rome do as the Romans do" - so that means when she is living in your home, she needs to abide by the rules you set. As others here have said, it's all about boundaries - you need them, we all need them - kind of like your personal space in some ways. Is it easy? NO - but, with practice it gets easier. Try it with small issues and move on from there. I have always been interested in what makes people tick and enjoyed reading self-improvement books. In those books, the author or authors would tell you everything about the topic except the "how" to part. The best book I ever read was "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Their writing is excellent and covers every type of relationship there is. This tells me we need boundaries in all areas of our life and in all types of relationships including family. It's the first book that gave practical ways to implement "boundary setting". You will be "happier" and you will feel like the adult you're supposed to have become. At this stage in my life, I've been thinking about how much time I have wasted trying to be a "people pleaser" - not one of those people are even in my life today which makes it all the more of a waste. I was brought up to be a peacemaker especially with my half sister who was 15 years older than myself and from my mom's first marriage. I never lived with her - thankfully, but when she would come to visit, I was expected to be the little adult while she was the big child - that meant keeping the peace at all costs. She was the one I learned how to set boundaries with to the point I had to cut all ties with her as there was no reasoning or healthy discussions with her - she was what you may hear people call "toxic". Just reading your brief description of her in your "question" makes me wonder if she has a personality disorder like NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - you can look it up online and take a quiz to see if that describes your mother). Please realize at 87 your mom is not going to change therefore, you need to be the one to make the changes as to how you react or respond. Will she like it? No but, you need to hold your ground and she will be thrown off balance because she is so accustomed to you going along with everything she wants. It's like a mobile toy you put above a baby's crib - if you take just one of the parts and move it, the other parts get out of balance. Another explanation for her behavior is simply that as some people age, they can become like children again or some just never grew up to begin with. Wishing you the best!
You can only continue to be mistreated if you allow it. Pick a few things to do your way and some time to yourself and DO it.
Your mother is probably in “self-preservation mode”. She has probably lost a lot of her freedom and control to whatever health situations has brought her to live with you. Her manipulation of you helps her feel like she is in control. Don’t feel like you have to tell her every move you make! If she can be alone for short periods of time, for example, say “ I will be back in an hour” and LEAVE. No need to explain- or say “ I’m running an errand” and LEAVE for a break. If she pitches a fit say “hey, i just said I’ll be back in an hour”. Let her KNOW you have a life too because trust me people in self preservation mode have NO concern for others- it just isn’t on their brain. Remind her if needed.
If she can’t be alone for a short time then hire help to sit with her. They work for YOU and and she doesn’t get a say. If she can go to adult day care occasionally, DO IT.
Get some time for yourself and don’t fall for the guilt trip that either you or she has laid on yourself already. It really is up to YOU. (FYI, SHE pays for the sitter, daycare, etc if at all possible!)
enjoy yourself!
Here's another idea that works with my NPD/BPD mom: whenever you refuse to do her bidding, use a completely bland look and neutral voice. I believe this is called "Grey Rock", and I can confirm that it works. No drama, no excitement, just "No, I'm not going to do that", "Sorry, I can't do that", etc. It's beautiful when you get it, because you get to stand your ground, and she doesn't have the satisfaction of making you angry, flustered, etc. A big WIN for YOU!
Be prepared to leave the house for awhile if she tantrums. Just make sure she's safe alone for awhile, of course. After doing this for awhile, my guess is that she'll get it.
Write yourself a job plan and some rules. Things you are happy to do and things you are NOT going to do, any more. Tell them what your plans are. Be firm. Factor in things for you, times for you and find solutions for covering your absence where necessary. Treat it like a new lease of life when you have energy and a detox when you don't! So many of us have been there! Look after yourself - you are worth it and DON'T be guilt tripped!
Being a people pleaser myself, I totally understand what you are going through, the guilt of having to tell someone no, the internal struggle to make yourself happy and feeling like you are hurting someone else in the process, it's agonizing BUT it does get easier! Just keep one thing in mind, from the sound of it your mother wouldn't give a second thought of hurting you for her own comfort and you need to remember that. When our parents age, the roles swap, you are now the "mother" and she sounds like the spoiled brat of a "child" and your new role is to make the best decisions for her health and well being which may include YOU getting time alone and HER NOT getting her way. Set boundaries and reminding her that it is your home and she will have to live by your rules and way of life or you can find her a place that she can live life her way. Stand your ground and get relief from her whenever you can, in fact make a weekly date with yourself to get away.
See All Answers