Since I brought my mom home from the hospital Sept. 12th, I've observed her having countless crying spells. Unless she is engaged in conversation with me or engrossed in a television show, she is weeping. Hearing her do this (and it is nearly constant) is affecting my own proclivity for depression. Mom has always suffered from mental disorders (bi-polar, ocd, depression), and is medicated for them (she takes fluoxetine, trazodone, diazepam, and perphenazine.) This particular depressive episode has been stubborn and resistant to medication.
A couple of nights ago, mom started in with the crying thing. As I usually do, I asked, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
She took me by surprise with her answer.
She said, "I'm afraid of dying."
I'm at a loss. I have the same fear. This is a fear that is recent for me, and one that has kept me awake at night.
My mom is deeply Catholic, and because of her steadfast devotion to the church, I never thought a fear like this could possibly exist in her.
I can handle the medical side of her depression, but how do I address this?
What can I say to comfort her and make her feel better about a subject like that? I could really use any help or advice you can offer. (It would help both my mom ...AND me. )
Feeling absolved may bring her peace.
Maybe pray with her for strength to face this blessed journey. Concentrate on the positive teachings of Catholicism relating to afterlife. Pray Psalm 23 with her.
"Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of The Lord
forever."
Of course death is scary, regardless of faith t is largely an unknown.
What are you more afraid of, dying or death? If it's dying, try to get in touch with the chaplain of a nearby hospice for a description of what to expect.
If it's death, well, dead people miss out on a lot, but they are also free of pain and suffering. I don't believe in heaven, but when I do, I think I'll see my parents and other relatives again. I think that my father will still be full of piss and vinegar, but will be free of the fears that sometimes made him act badly.
we will be ourselves, but a happier, healthier version.
Admit to Mom that you, too, have fears, and share them. Help her explore her fears to figure out the scariest part, and how to make that less scary. Remind her that you love her, and Jesus loves her, so how bad can it be?
You don't need to take away her fear. You may not be able to. What you can do is to be with her in her fear, and then she won't be feeling so alone.
1) Afraid that death will happen soon.
2) Afraid of the process of dying -- pain, anguish, etc. Afraid of being alone while dying.
3) Afraid of the afterlife, or that there is no afterlife, etc.
If you can talk about her fears a little and discover where her focus is that may help you discuss it with her. Of course you cannot assure her she won't die -- everyone dies -- but you can assure her you will do everything possible to minimize pain, etc.
Since she has a strong religious faith, I agree with the others who have suggested inviting a priest to discuss her fears with you both.
Is she, in fact, likely to be close to the end of her life? If so, enrolling her in hospice can be a comfort to both of you. They can talk openly about the dying process, and also have a chaplain talk with her.
Is your mom able to express any details about her fears...that she'll be in pain, that she'll be alone...what happens after death...that you won't be able to take care of her?
Would your mom be open to any of the things that help those with depression...a gratitude journal, helping others, pet therapy?
Maybe the only thing you can do for your mom is to give her a hug and empathy. Please take care of yourself, too. Peace and good wishes to you.
On the other hand, if you want to expand your thinking into the realm of metaphysics, I would recommend a very simple little book by Jerry and Esther Hicks entitled "Sara and the Foreverness of Friends of a Feather" (available on Amazon). It looks like it could be a children's book but it is ageless. Since it is just a story, you could read it to your mom without offending any of her religious sensibilities. You and she can take from it what you will.