Woe is me mother....any thoughts?

Good for you for working this through BEFORE an illness or change in circumstances. This forum is full of people who didn’t, and/or were surprised and did things out of perceived necessity - then lived to regret it. Myself, included!

Cheering you on from here!

Every time my mom would run 'can I move in with you' past me, I simply said "Mom, that wouldn't work. You have a little apartment with YB that you CHOSE to live in and if you're unhappy there, find an ALF. You can't live with me".

No, "I'm sorry" or explanation.

Having HAD a complete nervous breakdown, I can attest to the fact they are awful and have left me a little more emotional and skittish at times. I've learned that I HAVE to put myself first or I will crash and burn again.

As far as inheriting from mom? IDK. I don't think about it. She really has nothing. To hold that over my head is just annoying.

It sounds like you absolutely know that you won’t be caring for your mom like you did for your dad.

We can learn from our past experiences, rather than repeating them.

I would try not to be anxious about your decision.

You don’t owe your mom an apology or explanation for your decisions that you have made.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I can't tell you how many times I heard wills can be changed growing up. I was very decent to my wealthy step grandmother because she was from a different era and I was raised to respect elders. I don't believe it was because I kept hearing about wills. She actually apologized on her deathbed for her sterness. She died and left almost everything to her brother. My mother was her only child. She was a stepchild but they were in close contact her whole life and had moved in with her father and this stepmother when she was a teenager.

My point is don't listen to a statement about wills. I am not belittling the importance and necessity of money. They may or may not be changed but the threat to you is narcissistic and one only knows when the time comes. My mother was left more in a friend's will than she was by her half brother who left sums of money to several girlfriends. My cousins were so grateful when some of them passed and they could be done with them.

I am so glad you are seeking professional help because really it does get you tools. I myself believe honesty is the best and the only way. It comes down to "Look, I love you and I appreciate all you have ever done for me, but I have some SERIOUS LIMITATIONS. It is difficult enough for me to live with a husband and kids, and I sure couldn't ever live with YOU, much as I do love you. It would end in the death of ONE of us, who know which that would be". Then I would give a little laugh. As to someone who uses a will as a manipulation I think that is cruel in the extreme. And would say so. It is the "last slap" that no one can respond to. I myself have a daughter I get along with VERY WELL and a daughter who, though I love her a LOT, I do NOT get along with well. We have learned to be really polite and sparing in contact. Would I cut off the daughter I don't get along with as well? No, I would not. It is as much MY fault as hers that we clash; we just clash. Her charms are many, but she drives me nuts quickly when we try to get in too close or too often. We have learned to have great contentment and peace with our relationship. I would NEVER cut her out of a will. That is some sort of an evil game in my mind.
Now as to her worrying, just tell her "Gee, sorry. Don't worry overmuch. I was just emoting on ideas. Who knows where things will end up."
I sure would let a parent know that my limitations meant I could not live with them. It isn't really fair that they don't know that. I would be great with NEAR me. And would do what I could. But I would have boundaries and honor my limitations. It is the only way to a solid mental health. I would be kind and gentle and I would take full responsibility that these were my limitations; that I have deficits, and I know them. That I understand what I CAN take on and what I cannot. That's a full stop. I am who I am. You are who you are. Your Mom is who she is. Once you are honest with one another it takes away such a massive layer of "stuff" you try to build round you and her for cushioning, so much worry.
I just always say "I never said I was a great person; sorry for my deficits. But at this age (79 this year) they are unlikely to change."

Sunny; I really feel for adults who are still tiptoeing around their narcissistic parents, in fear of their tempers. To me, a full functioning adult is one who cares about their parent but who doesn't fear to disagree with them. For sure, this is NOT a fault of the adult child; the problem is in the parent who groomed their child to never upset them.

I'm so glad that you are going to therapy.

You go! You rule!!!! Be sure to note how this makes you feel! :) You will enjoy standing up for yourself.

The "re-writing the will" thing is pretty telling. Any time she brings it up, don't take this bait, don't even acknowledge she said it and change the topic. The less you are controlled by others' money, the less power they have over us. My family tried this and it lasted about 5 minutes until they realized I didn't care if I was disinherited. Then they never brought it up again and they never actually did it.

I don't think you have to tell her you dislike being around her. Talk to your therapist about creating healthy boundaries. We can't choose our family members but we can choose how we interact with them (or not). IMO you don't even have to keep broaching the topic of not being her "care plan". She is a full grown adult and you've apparently already told her this. You do not need to keep defending your decision. This is on her. Or, maybe her husband is more reasonable and you can have this discussion with him present. Your therapist can help you script something. But I wouldn't tell her more than once. I wish you all the best as you move through this.

Yes... I am... she can be really mean...it's been this way for 55 years. She and stepdad are so much a like and they feed off each other...they can create drama from a stick. A few years ago... she found out I had communication with the former golden child step-sister (that they disowned)... she was enraged and really went off on me. I finally had to stop taking her calls. She kept calling and leaving voicemail messages. Looking back... she has lost friendships over the years due to this behavior. She can be as sweet as pie.. but she can be very manipulative...and I'm just too tired to handle her.

Knowing your limits is very wise. I hope you’ll realize now that you don’t owe your mother, or anyone else for that matter, any explanations or justifications for your decisions. Going over all this is just chitchat to you, but it’s causing her worry and then making you in the position of explaining yourself. Talk about lighter topics, not your potential life plans, and know as an adult your choices are your own.

You don't have to tell her that you can't handle her.

You just need to tell her that you can't provide her with a place to live or do hands on care.

Look, if your mother is aging, surely it is time to bring up to her their plans for eldercare. The fact that they are re-working their wills makes this the perfect opportunity to say " and what are your plans for when you can't live at home any longer?" If she suggest moving in with you, tell her that you won't be allowing that to happen. Why? Because it doesn't fit with your plans.

Are you afraid of making her angry? Why is that?