Working on my exit plan. How to not feel guilty?
Well, all the pros seem to think Mom is competent.
She told the paramedic who was here assessing her (not formal, just do you know what day it is type crap) that she has a "team" praying that I suffer for 2 months before I die so that I feel guilty about the way I'm treating her.
Obviously, she's not well, but no one seems to see that but me.
SO, now that authorities say she's competent, I am free to leave.
Hubby and I are planning to rent out this half of the house and either rent a new place (which feels like throwing money away) or buying an RV and living in it while fixing up the other [little] house thats on the property.
I'm guessing (hoping?) that someone will realize she can't be home alone and intervene, but if not, we will at least have breathing space.
Then I think of this pitiful, sad old lady and feel like garbage. She has sure done a number on me; I can't even take care of myself without feeling guilty for abandoning her!
Being "there" gives all the professionals the false impression that she needs no further support or treatment because you are there, propping up her charade of independence.
Leave and the facade is gone.
Have you read Never Simple by Liz Scheier?
If you do rent out your half of duplex, please be merciful and inform the new tenent to *not* enable your Mom, so that they can avoid being innocent victims that get sucked into the vortex. Tell them to just keep calling 911 if she asks for help.
A side note: my mom seems very competent too, while sitting on the couch watching TV, knowing her name and that it's a Sunday. Then, as you well know, just wait a few minutes........
Now is your chance, take it, fly like a bird.
You have done your duty, you are not powerful enough to make her more than she really is, happiness is an inside job.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck forever.
The only way that she will get the help she needs is by you walking away,
Get out while the getting is good, which is what my friend used to say!
Although, if you are working on the other house on the property with an eye to moving into it, you are still on the property. Suggestion: Do whatever it takes not to be on the property at all. AT ALL. If you're there, you risk getting sucked back in.
Guilt is for felons and evil doers. It infers that you CAUSED this and you are for your own evil purposes keeping it going.
The word that pertains for you is Grief.
Grief understands that there is no answer to many things, that not everything can be fixed, and that some things must just be endured.
Endurance doesn't mean you give up your own life on an altar to others. It means that you will have to learn to build your own life despite the grief you feel for others.
You know we all are in your corner.
Guilt seems to be the default, but you are totally right, it's grief.
I tried, and it didn't work, and it's just so sad, but I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't abused her or intentionally hurt her. I really did try. And now I need to work on my own life. Thank you.
I wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation
If she's competent, she can figure out how to get home on her own.
You ALL need to stop propping her up.
I’m working on this as well with my mom, so I really can empathize. I’m always reading articles about this, and about adult child relationships with parents at different points through life. The following is the best advice I’ve seen. It was from a therapist who blogs online. (Sorry, I can’t recall her name.)
I’m paraphrasing here;
”You will often feel guilt when you’re setting new boundaries with a close relative. This is normal. Acknowledge the guilt, while knowing that it is not reasonable for the situation. Most importantly do NOT Cave-in, because of it ! CARRY ON (with your own life) DESPITE feeling some guilt, and in time it will be gone.”
Yesterday I went shopping, and when I got home the paramedics were here. Mom has another blockage, the 5th now since November. But this time, she refused to go to the hospital they were bringing her to. She seems to think she can pick and choose. (In Canada! lol) Anyways, I had a chat with the chief guy, and he was PISSED. I mean PISSED! He happened to have already been here for 2 of these calls, and he was also the guy who sent the paramedic out last week to talk with us, so he is well aware of the situation. He told her next time, call a taxi! Stop wasting resources. And he says to me, have you thought about placing her in a home? LMAO Dude, please take her! I'm trying.
They're supposed to send someone this Sunday to do a MoCa. I'll believe it when I see it. In the meantime, I am refusing to cave in, and I am calling all the contractors to get the other place sorted out!