I'm new here and it's kinda complicated and just wanted to find some solace and support if there are some who is also facing the same as me so I can be slightly better. Here it goes, I'm the only child now and my brother had passed on 15 years ago and ever since then I've been taking care of my parents whom my dad is 79 and mom is 76, I had a few cases where I had anxiety attacks and also at some point developed depression which I recovered and all these I have been always a worry about my parents and me all alone taking care of them, because they are not as normal in away like my mom is also having psychology instability and my father has always been those type that never plans and everything is easy and don't even have any financial obligations or worries, and thinking I'm always here.
Recently I've incarcerated my mother into a nursing home as my dad was taking care of her every now and then and as my mom gets older she has been difficult to take care, though she is mobile and such but she is diagnosed with first stage parkinson and early stage of dementia, what happen was my dad had threathen to walk away weeks ago and I had no choice but to put my mother in the home as I often travel for work and many time my dad complaints about my mom and my mom complaints about my dad and when they end up arguing, they would call me, so it's really kinda irritating that I've to make a living and also my own family to take care off.
I have been getting much worries and the emotions running me are guilt (probably), and the other is continuous worry, one of which is also money as now I have to balance my finances in order to keep her in the nursing home for someone to take care off, though it hasn't come to my father's time yet but I'm starting to take the punch of these emotional worries.
Leave money aside first, but I'm more keen on how can I stop worrying about them? is that I care for them too much? that often I feel hopeless and the guilt is just like driving a harpoon to my heart. If anyone knows any good techniques or thoughts that can share if they have gone through this and how did you console yourself better or change your mindset? I understand each offspring thinks differently of their parents, but I do need some advice on how can I change my thinking as I know there is really no choice for me but to keep her in the nursing home, thought she has been difficult with the staff there and almost losing her freedom as it's not her home.
No one has done anything wrong .
Your mother got ill and that can not be fixed .
Go to a therapist . You are experiencing grief. There should be no guilt . You did not make your parents old and in need of care . You can’t fix old.
You also should not use your own money for their care . You use their money , or if you are in the US have your parents apply for Medicaid . If you are in another country seek how to have the government help pay for their care .
You can start by saying that you deserve to take care of yourself and that you made an informed decision to place her in a care facility so that both she AND you could get the care you need.
Incarcerate has a very negative connotation - tied to imprisonment/jail for a crime. You have not moved your mother to a care facility because she has done something wrong or committed a criminal offense. You have placed her for a number of very good reasons.
Flip the script - you mention that you have a job and a family in addition to taking care of your parents. Is it fair to your family to put their lives on hold, to lose time with you, while you spend your only free time seeing to the care of your parents? I mean no disrespect towards your parents - but you mention things like psychological instability and never planning or caring, just knowing you would take care of it. This has caused you depression and undue worry - and you know deep down that your family has felt that.
From my own personal experience - helping to take care of my FIL (who was my DH's childhood abuser (and the verbal and mental abuse continued until the day FIL passed) and who was a bonified narcissist) was hugely stressful on our entire family. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Our children (who are now adults) were definitely impacted - in spite of us trying our best to keep them out of it - because they felt our stress. It impacted our marriage - because added stress and feeling like you don't have a life outside of taking care of a cantankerous, angry, ungrateful man and spending every free moment doing whatever he needed - it robbed us of time together, it caused us to argue - I'll be the first to admit that I didn't like who I was during that time.
You need to consider changing your mindset - you have not done anything wrong - you are grieving the fact that their care is beyond what you have capacity for - in addition to taking care of a family and working. There is ZERO shame in that.
Using words like "incarcerated" just ensures that you feel guilty about something that you shouldn't.
Often when the situation gets to this point - we HAVE to put their NEEDS ahead of their WANTS - usually in spite of them.
My family too have been impacted as well, some of the early years I would blow up on my kids due to my emotions and the stress of being the only child now to take care of them as my dad is not adding value to the whole situation which in past years whom he is only good at making remarks, opinions but little on solutions and even in recent months as mentioned in my post, he had threaten to walk away of not taking care of my mom and to make things worst my mom complaints about my dad so I'm like a pickle in a burger.
Anyway many thanks for the replies, I'm just going through a phase where this part of lifecycle hits me and hoping to get some notes and experience sharing from the kind people here.
I totally agree on mindset change, and
Your parents local aging department through the county and/or state will be able to help you with caring needs of your parents. Also, tap into your fathers healthcare providers and primary care doctor services. The Social Worker at your mothers long term care facility should also provide you with information.
Also, a therapist should be considered for you. You need to be mentally and physically healthy to successfully help your parents. It is not an easy task and you need to think of you first then your parents.
I wish you calmness and stamina during this difficult time. Do ask questions and advice. Sometimes this forum can answer them directly. When we are unable to answer directly many can offer you assistance or guidance to places and people that can.
You had no choice. Congratulate yourself for having the wisdom to find the place that mom needs.
As for making it her home, that's up to her, isn't it? I had an uncle who lived in a beautiful house that he'd built on rolling acres of land that had long belonged to his family. In his 90s, he needed to move to a care facility for his own safety, as his wife had recently died. Within a week, uncle knew the names of everyone on his floor, and he went around chatting and enjoying learning about their histories. That's how he made it his home. He'd never particularly been that way before, as he and aunt were together most of the time and didn't have that many close friends.
We can't all be like uncle, but we can bloom where we're planted.
And just to clarify....you DID NOT "incarcerate" your mother in a nursing facility, but instead had no choice but to place her in one.
Incarceration is for people who have committed crimes and need to be locked up behind bars. Your mother did not commit any crimes unless getting older is one.
Also you should NOT be spending any of your own money on your parents care, as that is on them not you. If they don't have the resources, then they will have to apply for Medicaid, as you will need your own money for when you get older.
It sounds like your mother is where she needs to be and that it is best for all involved. She will adjust, just give her more time.
No one loves the idea of having to place a loved one in a facility, but it often boils down to what is not only best for the loved one, but also for those who were caring for them.
And worrying is like sitting and rocking in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it gets you absolutely nowhere.
So instead of worrying, why don't you try praying and handing this situation over to God, and letting Him take care of it?
I'm sorry that your parents tend to put you in the middle of things when they should handle things on their own, but know that you're doing the very best you can and that is all any of us can do.
With your mother now receiving the care she requires it will allow you and your father to get back to just being her loving family members and advocates and not her stressed out and overwhelmed caregivers. So enjoy that, and make the best of a situation you have no control over.
You're going to be ok, and your mothers going to be ok too. Just give this situation some time.
God bless you.
Your caregiving problems and your own personal problems are too complex to be answered in one post.
I want to suggest that for a few weeks you read the Forum. Read questions and answers that interest you and see what you can pick up from others we have answered on specific questions.
There are many many questions almost daily about feelings of guilt. Basically they are inappropriate. The feelings really are more of grief and helplessness. Guilt belongs to felons; it requires causation (and you didn't cause this) and refusal to stop your actions of evil intent (and you are not evil, nor are your actions). So guilt is out of the question.
When you have one single question you think we may help with come back to ask us. If this is otherwise about your overall health and path forward you will need help in your own community through Council on Aging, through social workers and medical, and through perhaps psychological counseling for yourself.
Wishing you the best.