I've cared for our parents most of my life. Mum is widowed now. My sibling hasn't been interested or obliged. My mother let's him get away with physical and verbal abuse. He's been in trouble with the law for domestic violence. All women in his life have been victimised. I've let him know his behavior isn't on. When I do he becomes verbally abusive. My mother doesn't say anything even if he's been abusive to her. I'm her full time carer. I've told her this situation is unbearable. I want to leave. Mum's threatened suicide if I do. She knows my brother won't look after her. He's also a drug addict. Mum's also threatened to hit me and said some very nasty things to me. As cruel as she's been, if I leave her world will come crashing down. Residential care will be the only option and the thing she doesn't want. Culture and gender issues are definitely at play. So much more is expected of me and little of my brother. She literally rewards him for treating us both badly. He can do no wrong. I call it out and I'm punished. I feel trapped. I also have a heart.
Your mother threatening suicide if you leave is emotional blackmail. She has hit you and been verbally abusive to you. Residential care would be the safest choice to take and will be best for both you and your mom. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Both your brother and your mother are two out of control individuals that you need to get away from.
Please take your life back. The time you give as a caregiver, you will never get back when it is time for you to be helped.
I can't imagine staying with a mom who allowed someone abusive in the home and expect me both to care for her, and put up with abuse..
You are not trapped unless you allow yourself to be trapped.
You are a grownup. When people grow up they leave their homes and their parents and they make their own lives and their own family, and their own decisions for their own family.
I always tell people to move 1,000 miles away.
You tell us that you have a heart. That is very lovely, but what life requires is a good brain and a realistic outlook, self-caring and determination. Having a "heart" like all else in life, starts at home. When you have enough heart to give yourself solidity and independence THEN you can attempt to care for others.
So this is all up to you.
You will not change your mother.
You will not change your brother.
Your mother either will carry forth her threats or she won't; you have no power over that; supply her with the 988 suicide hotline before you leave, or when she makes said threats.
You do not now and you never will have any control whatsoever over your mother and brother.
You tell us "I've let him know his behavior isn't on. " regarding your brother.
What would he care WHAT you say or think? That and a fiver will buy a cup of Starbucks coffee.
As I said, it's entirely up to you; no one can make your decisions for you just as you cannot make their decisions for them.
You asked what we would do, so here goes. Were it me I would tell my mom "You have a perfect right to have your own son in your life; however, I don't want him in MINE. So I will be leaving. I will give you 3 months to make arrangements to move in with your son, or to move into care. I will then be moving to have my own life". No argument. No negotiation. Just the simple facts.
I would then begin making arrangements to live my life.
You do not tell us if you live with your mother or she with you. I hope the former; it will be easier for you to move. I cannot know what job or care arrangements you have, nor what savings, but if you wish to continue caring for seniors there are TONS of jobs for you to do so in elder care communities and some will even train you. Move to a shelter if that's what you have to do to start with.
Good luck. Up to you.
Your mother is manipulative and abusive to you. If she threatens to kill herself unless you maintain the status quo of being her caregiver but also tolerating your brother's abusive and dangerous behavior tell her to go right ahead. No old person got to be old because they were serious about killing themselves.
Of course you love your mother and want to do right by her. Enabling her by providing care so she can enable your brother's abusive behavior and drug addict lifestyle makes you complicit. You are fostering an environment where abuse can grow and flourish. Not just with your abusive brother but also from your mother.
Your mother has weaponized her own neediness and uses it to manipulate you into doing her bidding even when you know it's wrong and you shouldn't. I have a name for this kind of behavior.
Abusive neediness.
I come from a dysfunctional and abusive family. I was also an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've seen every family dynamic and behavior there is. I was also the caregiver to my own abusive, manipulative, abusively needy mother for some time. So I will tell you what I have told countless families who are caregiving or who plan to.
Caregiving is only successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the person receiving the care.
So, it's time for you to set those terms or walk away. Make it known to your mother that you will not be playing your games anymore and that her only choices are get cooperative with your terms or go into a care facility.
The status quo such as it is cannot continue without you and both of them know it. So in truth YOU are the one in charge here. so take some charge.
And it sounds like your brother has learned his abusive behavior from your mum. Please stop taking any kind of abuse from either of them as you deserve so much better. Sadly I don't think that you believe that.
It's time to tell your mum that for your mental health's sake you will be moving on and will no longer be her full-time caregiver.
And if she threatens suicide, so be it. You can call her bluff and ask her after she kills herself does she want to buried or cremated? That should shut her up.
Your mum is only using suicide as a ways to keep you in a very unhealthy and toxic situation, so quit falling for it.
It's time to put your big girl panties on and take your life back and get your mum placed in the appropriate facility. You'll be so glad you did, and she will too as she'll be around other folks her own age and have lots of activities to keep her as busy as she wants to be.
Best wishes in doing what you know needs to be done in your hearts of hearts.
YOU are important, as well. You deserve not to be abused.
You are not a prisoner. You are not a slave. You are not kept in that situation by guys standing outside your house with guns.
Tomorrow morning, tell your mom that in 90 days, you will be leaving.
Help her to arrange for facility care.
Get a job. Stay on someone’s else’s couch, until you can afford a room of your own.
Freedom awaits, dear OP.
You are not her savior, you are her daughter and deserving of respect.
Whether she wants residential care or not is not your problem, believe me her world will not coming cashing down, she will adjust.
Back away, let those two figure it out, get your life back now, you have done your job, beyond what should be done.
Move on, take care of you.
My golden child brother, yells at my mother too, but he never does wrong, and I never do right.
It is hard to understand this generational gap where women put men on such a pedestal. I don't and never will understand that mentality.
I'm glad your leaving, id say run don't walk. Any other questions, problems or just venting, feel free.
Also I get that it is hard to come to terms that you parent is a narcissist. Been on this forum since , I think February. And I really had a tough time with that.
My life is much better now, understand the family dynamics of a narssasist parent and there narssasist golden child
72 hr hold in a Psychiatric facility.
You are not appreciated and what you do for Mom is expected. You have done enough. If she wants to continue to be abused thats her choice, you don't want to be. I so hope u have a job. Get ur ducks in a row and then tell Mom ur leaving.
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