Hi everyone. I know there have been a few threads with a similar question but I am wrestling with a pre-planned trip next week. My mom has been on hospice since late July with Parkinson's and dementia. She is still eating, although slowly, but is losing weight due to a lot of muscle loss. She spends a lot of time with her eyes closed and whispering to herself but has no pains or issues other than a stable skin tear on her backside that is being treated. However, hospice met with us a week before Thanksgiving to confirm this would be the last holiday season with her. When I asked if they thought she would make it to Christmas, she said that she just didn't know.
A little background. I have one sister who lives out of state and although she supports me 100%, she is not physically onsite much with my mom and does not really go out of her way to do so because of some emotional challenges. My husband and I have been my mom's caregiver for 7 years or so when she began to decline. We have been with her through moves to independent living to assisted living and now on hospice at her assisted living facility. My husband's company closed 6 years ago and we made the decision that he would not seek another full time job so he could be there for my mom while I worked full time. He has been AMAZING and puts up with always being the "bad guy" in my mom's dementia eyes. We could not be remotely happier with her personal care home and their staff - we trust them immensely and they love my mom.
So... we have a week long get away planned next week and I am torn up about whether to go or not. I was with my grandmother when she passed and I will be the first to say that it was not a good experience for me mentally. I am personally terrified of being next to my mom when she passes. But, I know that I "should be" so I worry about leaving. My sister could drive down within 4 hours or so should something happen.
Of course we will speak with her hospice nurse up to the moment we leave to have the most up to date info to make a final decision but has anyone else been in the same situation? I know if I asked my mom, she would tell me to go but I also worry that everyone else will think it is the wrong thing to do.
It's so hard. :(
Death-bed vigils aren't all they're cracked up to be, are they?
You know, your mom could pass at any time. You know that, in your heart of hearts. She could pass tonight in her sleep, and by the time her facility contacts you it would be "too late". Your mom could live in your house, you could be sitting by her bedside 24/7 during this hospice time, and she could pass while you step into the bathroom for a moment. "No one knows the time or the place, not the angels in heaven, not even the Son, only the Father."
And what you decide to do is really, truly no one else's business.
My mom wasn't yet on hospice, but she was starting a slow steady decline when my husband and I had a cruise planned for our 25th anniversary. When I made noises about cancelling, my mom verbally "slapped" me and told me to not be ridiculous, to go on the cruise and enjoy myself. I asked her "but mom, what if something happens when I'm gone and you die" and she said with a smile on her face (and I'm 100% not kidding here) "tell them to keep me on ice until you're back. I promise I won't go anywhere."
My questions to you are:
1) If you decide to go, will you be able to enjoy yourself?
2) If mom should pass while you're gone, will you be able to forgive yourself?
If the answer to these are yes, then go on your vacation. Ask your sister to keep in contact with mom's facility while you're away, and ask her to pass along any necessary information. The only thing I would make absolutely sure about before I left is if your sister is prepared to handle whatever might occur while you're gone. If she says yes, then go. You've been a wonderfully caring and attentive daughter, and I doubt your mom would want you to miss this opportunity.
You've been there for your mom through a lot, and you know that she would not want you to miss your trip because of her. You and your husband have earned the right to get away and have some fun.
You mom could go on for some time yet. My husband was under hospice care for 22 months in our home, and there were several times when hospice told me that they thought the end was near and yet he kept on living. And even when all the signs were there that he was in fact dying, and hospice told me he would be dead in 3 days, it actually took 41 days before he did die.
So the moral of the story is, only God knows the day and time that He will take your mom home, so just make sure you say everything you want/need to before you go on your trip, and trust that everything will work out just as God has planned it. Go have fun on your trip!!!
You have an idea how you will handle being there at the end. I wouldn't put myself through that. Especially knowing that your mom wouldn't want you too.