My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.

She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.

I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.

I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".

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Don't feel guilty. Your are human and thoughts are only thoughts. Accepting that your mom won't ever change, that she has a mental illness along with her physical illnesses, and that you can do nothing to make things different is excellent. Try to get support from friends and learn to detach from your mother's "button pushing" behavior. Some counseling may be in order, not because you wish she'd just "go and let everyone have some peace," but because she's got to have done a great deal of emotional damage to you and others. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for checking in and please feel free to vent on this site. You'll find that you aren't alone.
Take care of yourself,
Helpful Answer (54)
Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF

My mother begs me all day every day to die. Last night I tucked her into bed and said "I love you" and she said "No you don't, you wouldn't let me live like this." I am sooooo tired of hearing people tell me I should call "Hospice" when Hospice is useless unless your loved one has been documented to have a "life-ending illness within 3-6 months". Dementia is "the disease that keeps on giving" for YEARS. I pray every day my mother has a heart attack or a massive stroke. My mother's condition is treated with "eat, smile, oh how nice your hair looks, let's do your nails" when in reality a normal person would not watch their family PET live like this for more than a few hours before rushing it to the vet. WHY does our medical nation not address this misery???
Helpful Answer (189)
Reply to Ohiodaughter
gaiagirlm Sep 2018
OMG...I have thought this so many times!! How willing we are to put our beloved pets out of their misery and stop their suffering, yet we don't consider that as being a humane option for people! Meanwhile the astronomical costs of all this care, and the undue suffering the patient and family must go under, is ridiculous! never mind the sucky quality of life the patient must go thru. All my father does is sleep, eat, poop, and pee. He can't read, one of his favorite past-times, due to macular degeneration. He can't work in his beloved lily gardens because he can't ambulate. So he sleeps all day, or lays staring at the ceiling, mumbling how this isn't working, and "what am i going to do?" . He's miserable, and when he's not doing one of the 4 activities above he's busy trying to make me miserable by picking arguments, gaslighting, reacting, being passive aggressive and defiant, and whatever else his crazy brain can come up with. It's horrible! I used to be so opposed to placing the elderly in homes and "shuttering away the aged" but i totally get it now, and am in the process of placing my Dad in a care facility a this time. And each day I pray that he will let go, or his body will let go, and the suffering will cease, for all of us. Certainly I pray that this will not drag out for several more yrs!!! Yes, it is time to start thinking about how we can deal with our beloved people to stop their suffering, much as we do with our beloved pets.
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Just to be clear---for those of you, like myself, have the most wonderful, kind, loving, caring, gentle, proud mother in the world------my mother is an angel and i still pray she passes waway ever end her torment.
Helpful Answer (125)
Reply to Ohiodaughter

((((Belle)))) - a difficult question in some ways, and not in others, Having a narcissistic mother, with Borderline Personality Disorder, who will be 100 in May and is very healthy, I have some sympathy for you. In my case, I wonder how long my mother will go on, with her misery-spreading ways, as she is physically healthy. In the case of your mother, obviously she has many physical health issues as well as the narcissism. Mother had severe pain a few years ago which has cleared up, and she was suicidal then, and wanted to go. One could only hope for the end of the pain somehow - other than suicide. Honestly, Belle, I don't think it is wrong to wish to be rid of the burden - for your mum to be rid of the pain, and discomfort of her conditions, for you to be rid of the fallout. My question then is "Does allowing ourselves that hope/wish affect our interactions with our mums.?" At various times over the years, I have looked forward to the time in my life when I would not have the problem of mother's mental illness to deal with, in the same way I looked forward to moving out of my parent's house when I was young, I know it is not the "norm", and I see people here who grieve the loss of their mothers when they die. I have already grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had. I think as long as we still do the job as their daughters there is no problem looking forward to the time when that burden will be lifted - even hoping for it. I think many here, for one reason ro another, have felt that way, if they dare to admit it. The idea of mother being :fine" boggles my mind. She bever has been for more than minutes at a time. ((((Hugs))))). Like many here, you have a tough row to hoe.
Helpful Answer (119)
Reply to golden23

Sylvester: You are one sick puppy. I got the post you put on my wall, the one where you gave me the finger. How nice of you to bother yourself to post on my wall. I guess you did this because you realized I was putting my dad in nursing home care and you didn't approve. Now, who are you to judge this decision that was extremely gut wrenching and heart breaking for me. My father is a nice man. I have been taking care of he and my mom for 7 years. My mom passed away in 2008. My dad had a major stroke a year ago. He is only capable of saying a few words and lifting a spoon to his mouth. I do everything for him. My health is going down the tubes and my husband is stressed out too. We love my dad, but we have to also give some thought to our own lives. Why is that a sin? Why do you feel you can leave an obscenity on my wall and the walls of others because you just feel like doing it. Are you mentally ill? I think you have put your self in a position of grandiose self righteousness. You are the martyr and you take care of your mom. Well, there are a whole lot of people on the AC site that are doing all they can to take care of their parents and not die themselves in the process. And there are others who know that they are just not up to the job or have run out of the will to keep going.

Some have been battered and abused, but you give that no consideration. You just go on with your insanity, judging everyone. If you want to continue to do what you are doing for your mom, that's fine. Why don't you just leave AC and spend the rest of your life being the sick person that you are and not submit anyone else to your ridiculous comments. You do not bring one ounce of humanity to this site.

My guess is that you have a whole bunch of crap in your little closet. You can't live beyond your narrow confines and you resent it. So you strike out at everyone else who shares their heart. None of us are perfect, but we tell the truth and we try our best.

Thank you for posting on my wall and flipping me off. You are truly a role model.

Helpful Answer (86)
Reply to anonymous95109

I cant believe how much we have in common. I have a narcissistic mother who has also destroyed herself physically and the lives of our family. And I'm stuck alone taking care of her. Like you I'm angry as hell, and have struggled with how to take care of someone with alzheimer's, lung cancer, nerve damage when I CANT STAND them. It's uncomfortable all the time for me. I have to strike this delicate balance between making sure her needs are met but also maintaining a distance so she cant suck me into her narcissistic swamp. Keep in touch- I haven't run into someone with a situation so similar to mine!
Helpful Answer (79)
Reply to Quagmire
gaiagirlm Sep 2018
I'm there with you. That balance is so hard. I have feelings of absolutely detesting my father and just want to stay as far out of his energy field as possible. That in and of itself is draining and exhausting.

There has to be a better way!
Wow Elizabethgrace you are sooo on target. Unfortunately, my mom died a week ago yesterday but..I was in this position. People say the dumbest things thinking that it's comforting. I hardly cried when mom died last week. Why? Because I lost her a long time ago to dementia and illness. For the last month she hardly knew me and couldn't speak. It's also hard when people say she's better off now...she would have been better off without dementia! Such a fine line but I do not judge ANYONE for wanting their parent to pass away gently. It's so hard for us to see them this way and even harder to care for them. It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. I cried enough when she was alive. I came to terms with it then...I haven't cried too much since the funeral. I had said my goodbyes and given all my love to her long before this. Even if your loved one is a pain in the butt, I think they know that too but they are scared. This was such a learning and loving experience for me. I was the same wishing it would be over. Then it is...faster than you thought.
Many hugs and good wishes. We all understand completely.
Helpful Answer (59)
Reply to Bhenson

Belle, your feeling are your feelings and nothing can change that, it's just a fact. However, it sounds to an outsider like me, that what you are saying is that you're mad at your mother. You're mad that she has brought this whole thing on herself. You're mad that she's not doing anything about it, now that she HAS brought this whole thing on herself. And you're just plain mad at the whole ridiculous thing in the first place. If that's the case, I get it. I also understand the double edge sword idea too. I understand how you can wish someone would die, but at the same time feel bad that you think that in the first place, it's a terrible place to be. But unless a person is planning to actually put a pillow over someone's face, I don't see anything wrong with thinking that they just wish it was 'over' whenever/however that may be. But until it IS finally 'over', for your own sanity you'd probably better check the anger at the door, cause she's brought this on herself, and she's the one suffering until death.
Helpful Answer (54)
Reply to NancyH

WOW, there are so many similarities with Mothers in this string of posts. I totally sympathize with your mother's Mental condition. My Mom is now suffering from Dementia/Alzheimers. The problem is that she and I have had a vol ital relationship from the time I was young. And now I am widowed, with my last child graduating from HS this year and lives here with us as well. I am the pickee. Anything that is not right is my fault. She has a problem with jealousy with Dad. Anytime I help my Dad, she gets angry and goes on a tear and has fits about everything else that is wrong with me, and around the house. I have COPD myself and am somewhat limited in what I can do). When she starts, I leave the room for a bit,and return when things have cooled a bit, if she starts again, I leave again. But you have a situation that I think requires a skilled nursing facility. YOU should not feel guilty. YOU are in a very tough situation, I totally understand where you are coming from
don't feel guilty for wishing her death, it is a relief when a person passes after along debilitating illness. Many hugs to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Helpful Answer (46)
Reply to nolansk

It’s natural to see posts on death on this forum because this is a caregiver forum.

We hear various stories from people who’ve shared their experiences with caring for an elderly family member.

I am going to share something that some people may find odd. It’s okay if you do. I may be a work in progress but I certainly hope that I have grown enough to be capable of accepting any criticism.

Several years back when my daughter was in college she rescued the most adorable 5 year old toy poodle. He had been abused and surrendered. He was skittish around everyone but he instantly took to my daughter.

I told my daughter that I thought he had picked her out to be his new owner. She loved him to pieces. He was with her in her apartment throughout her college years and awhile afterwards.

He had a hip injury that the vet said were from the physical abuse, most likely from someone throwing him or hitting him.

Later on he developed Cushing’s disease and it was managed with medication. As he grew older it became more difficult to treat and she took him to the vet to seek advice.

Her vet said something to her that she found very helpful in dealing with her emotions.

The vet is a friend of the family. Our kids grew up together. His daughters went to LSU for college too. He knows my daughter well and knew how much she loved her dog.

She was crying in his office and asked him what else could he possibly do for her dog.

He told her that it was time for her dog to be euthanized. She was hesitant at first to accept that he should be euthanized.

Her vet told her, “Don’t wait until you resent your dog to make the decision to euthanize your dog.

I have pet owners who come in my office, they have loved their dogs for years but when they grow old and have accidents in the house so often they don’t know how to handle it.

They say to me, “I hate my dog. Kill it, so I won’t have to deal with them anymore!”

I know that they don’t really hate their dogs. They’re tired and frustrated and hate seeing their dogs suffer.”

My daughter consented to having her dog euthanized because she never wanted to hate her dog’s behavior that badly that she would begin to resent or hate him.

He had been having frequent accidents and was beginning to suffer more with his Cushing’s disease.

I never shared with my daughter that many people feel this way about the elderly people in their lives that they are caring for.

I didn’t want her to think that I was comparing her grandmother to a dog! Although, her dogs are like her children. Now, she has a beautiful Siberian Husky.

It’s so hard to watch our family members suffer. It’s so hard to go through caregiving whether we love them or not.

I am not comparing people to animals. I’m comparing our emotions that are involved. At least for those of us who are animal lovers, I hope that you understand my sentiment.

Watching someone’s life fade to where a person can’t function anymore is incredibly sad. We don’t euthanize people but we can enlist the support from hospice to aid in keeping them comfortable.

Many people are relieved after their family member dies because they are no longer suffering. We grieve and in time the pain lessens.

I don’t think we should wait until the last minute to bring in hospice. Plus, hospice can play an important role in helping people accept death, just like our vet helped my daughter accept that her precious dog deserved to die being loved. She found peace knowing that she was doing the right thing.
Helpful Answer (43)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 20, 2023
Adding to my post…

We also shouldn’t wait until we are desperate before we place a family member.

Geeeeez, I wish that I could go back in time and speak to myself the way I feel about things now.

I did what I felt was best then. It wasn’t best. When I realized that it wasn’t, so much damage to my emotional well being had taken place. I was a lost soul!
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