Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

My mother had metastatic lung cancer some eight years ago. It had spread to her bones and her liver; however, her mind was as sharp as a tack. I think in this case it was sort of a good thing to hope that the Angels would take her and she wouldn't suffer anymore. My mother went about three weeks after being diagnosed; I know she's at peace now. With a lot of talk therapy and counseling, everything went OK although I suffered from some anxiety and depression

Wow, this is exactly my situation with my grandmother! Narcissistic and manupulative to the end and no matter how much i do it's not enough for her. She has aged me so quickly with trying to deal with her. Not to mention the damage she has caused to my marriage and my children. She told my 10 year old daughter that she is overweight and needs to stop eating so much. I feel awful for wishing she would pass away, not just for her relief but ours. I hate that she has made me feel this way. I always thought I was a good person.

Yes, it's very wrong to hope someone dies or to wish it on them. Every life has a purpose and it's not over until God says it's over. To wish death on anyone is an outrage. When I was still in school, we even had a rebellious classmate who said he hoped someone died. The teacher immediately got onto that student and he was disciplined. Never ever wish death on anyone or even hope they die because that's the same as murder by wishing death on anyone because it reveals much about what's on your heart and speaks volumes about someone's character. Never ever ever hope someone dies

I prayed for my sweet daddy to go, was that wrong? He was so miserable. Yes, I believe that each day is a gift, but when your life is so miserable and pain filled and there is no hope, no joy, no nothing....we actually held a family prayer with daddy and essentially "gave him permission" to leave us. He died 2 days later.
I think you are referring to wishing death on a mean person, someone you don't like. That's pointless. To hope that a loved one is freed from suffering--a totally different dynamic.

No, I think it is normal to hope someone dies when they are suffering from many diseases and especially dementia. It is not so much the hoping for them to die, but, more wanting a relief for them from their pain and disease. With dementia, the only release is death. I hope for my mom's release from it nearly daily. She even told me earlier in her disease that she would rather be dead than living with it. I think that is the case with most people. I would rather die than live to lose my mind.

Notwithstanding any staunch religious beliefs or fear of any wrath...I for one would never want to live a week in my mom's shoes. There's one thing in this life I believe God intended us to have control over: Free will. And, wishing someone would pass to end the misery, isn't' covered by any commandments...So, don't let anyone shame you for feeling as you do.

I just hope that if someday my life is full of chronic sickness and extreme pain and agony that I wish to die, it will be legally possible to end it. My daughter and my husband knows how I feel, but in many cases neither the patient nor the family is allowed to do anything.

I don't know that I will have ANYONE here after I am sick, disabled, put into a nursing home. I can only hope I have dementia and don't know who/what/where/when/how about my surroundings, and can only hope I am not abused. I would PRAY for MYSELF for a merciful death if I knew. My mom lived two years in a middling typical nursing home, didn't even know where she was, but she was an easy, pleasant patient there and the staff loved her and treated her well. After 2 years, she passed away, in her sleep. I grieved of course (despite our 'past') but was glad, too, because there was no real quality of life. It was warehousing, playing 'balloon toss' and triva games, and so on. She was happy, and unaware of most of it, but it was no kind of life. I am glad she 'slipped the surly bonds of earth' and is in heaven with all of our passed on loved ones.

I feel the same way about my almost 91 year old mother. She's miserable. At first I felt guilty but after analyzing why I had this feeling I then realized it was actually my love for her that made me feel that way.

I feel the same way about my almost 91 year old mother. She's miserable. At first I felt guilty but after analyzing why I had this feeling I then realized it was actually my love for her that made me feel that way.

My mom has dementia and just had surgery for a blood clot - I am not quite sure what is going to happen at this point. All I know is that despite her devastating condition - she has trouble speaking (but she recognizes us), she is confused, and she is in pain - she desperately wants to live. It does not matter what we wish or don't wish for. There is always a reason for the way we think or feel.

My husband and I have been caring for my dementia patient Mother for over 3 years now and she does nothing for herself except swallow the food we feed her, walk with assistance as far as from the bed to the free standing toilet and she sings music, still loves for me to play music and she'll remember most of the words.

She can be cruel to us, is in a bad mood if we interfere with her own personal shangri-la in her head...meaning...she's fine with music, us being her personal handmaid and butler but if we need to even so much as move her and pull blankets back we get a meanie.

I wish, always for the Lord to just take Mom home. She does not know me or anyone else and she only asks for the people who are all gone to be with the Lord. Shes 86 and I honestly think there is a huge part of her that is afraid to die. She has always been afraid of her shadow and has been the damsel in distress and helpless person always. Very narcissistic and attached to my life as one for her to plan and dictate. I guess she has succeeded in a sense, but I also disengage and don't let her use her guilt tricks on me. I am ok with doing a great job some days a good job others. We deserve our lives as well.

"Is it wrong to hope someone dies?"

You're not just hoping out of nowhere and nothing that they will die, you're hoping for relief from the current overwhelming, painful problems, you're hoping to live a peaceful life, you're hoping to see an end to their pain and undignified end-of-life process -- and you think the only way that can happen is if someone dies.

It's a big difference to me. I've felt that feeling - wanting my father to pass, even while I did everything I could to keep him alive and well. I realize now I didn't wish so much that he would die, just that he wasn't a source of so much stress and hurt in my own life.

I have lived a hard, tough life and yes, it is human to wish someone to die. Why? The other person may have been very selfish, mean, abusive, whatever. Perhaps love was never shown to you and this person never cared about you. Or perhaps their mind is now gone and if they were loving and kind and good, they are not what they once were. Or they may have serious medical problems. You did not cause the problems - sometimes in some cases, they brought it on themselves. Other times it is just the aging process. I firmly believe that when the mind and body are gone and the person is causing havoc, it is only pure and human decency to wish they would pass on It would be a kindness that our society doesn't want to accept. If they are no longer what they once were, it would be a blessing and I wish the day would come where society would allow something to be done just as it does for our beloved pets. I believe in God and I truly believe that given the correct circumstances, this is NOT a sin - it will bring us closer to God faster. Were it me, and I acted like some of these people, I would pray that someone would do away with me - it would be an act of mercy and pure kindness. But for now, I know no one will do that - and knowing this, it is a horrifying thought - that I could go on for a long time being like these people. Be strong - you are doing nothing wrong.

I am 24/7 caregiver for my mom. She has Alzheimer's and I have written a couple of comments relating to this issue in terms of being a caregiver. It hurts me to see my mom try to navigate her life in terms of the confusion she feels. She is almost 94 and although she has osteoarthritis, she is in pretty good physical condition. Which means as her mind deteriorates, her body may remain strong enough to go on for many years. That breaks my heart but there's nothing I can do about it. My prayers for my mom are for peace--I don't need to visualize how that might look like. That might means she dies or that might mean that she goes into a place where she removes herself from life as we know it. If you're there with your parent and giving all you got, there are going to be times where you look at what life might be like if they moved on. Don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts.
We don't aways consider that they might not want to be in the position they find themselves at this point. Think about what you would want your end to look like. My mom's gift to me with being her caregiver is that I can really define to my son what I want for the end of my life. Because I don't want him to feel guilty, I won't accept guilt for myself. If you've stepped up (to take care of your family member), you've done good. Love yourself for your effort. It is hard to take on the care of another person in any circumstance. Be kind to yourself. You've probably done what no one else in your family could do. I know that's how it was with me.

Yeah, this country is so twisted, and at times, I wish it would go to H*ll. Our furry friends do not have to suffer when they get real severe health issues but our human friends do. Why can't they be put out of their misery like our furry friends do? In fact, show me a country that does do this or a state that does this and I will make my home over there

cak2135 ~ see Oregon's Death with Dignity Act, passed in '94 or '97. There is a documentary about how the act is carried out, some of the people who choose this route, called How To Die In Oregon.

There are several states that have the Death With Dignity laws passed in recent years, Washington is one of those states. I currently have a Nephew- in-law, who is dying from Cancer, at home and on Hospice, who is seriously considering the DWD, option, which is such a difficult decision, but one that is very nice to be able to choose, if the circumstances are just right, and in his case, they are. He's had Cancer for over 5 years, and has 3 daughter's, 21, 13, and 12.

He is near the end, but feels he can no longer fight, and chooses to go out with dignity. I find his choice to be a God given right, and if that is his choice, then so be it.

The more difficult thing is the well being of his children, but they all have talked about it, and think it's the right thing to do in this case. What courage it takes, to make these decisions, but it's all about Dignity, and that of your family. So No, it's not wrong to wish someone would die. It's life, as dificult as that is.

Nobody enters into these sorts of thoughts without seriously thinking it would be for the best of all who remain. We aren't talking murder or suicide here, it's about the right to die, and to end suffering!

No, it is not wrong. My sisters and I took care of our mother for 8 years with a part time caregiver. She was bedridden for about a year at the end. We prayed for her to die. We were spending the best years of our retirement doing this. She did not care about anything. It sounds selfish, but she had no life. Now I am in the same situation with my mother in law, but she is in a nursing home. I cannot take care of her at home. I have RA and my husband, her son had surgery for an aortic aneurysm and is not supposed to lift more than 50 pounds. She can't walk because she broke her hip 6 months ago. She has been wanting to die ever since her husband died 6 years ago so she did not put out much effort at rehab. She is 97 years old and has dememtina, also. The bad part is that she does not have anytthing wrong with her. She is unhappy in the nursing home and complains about everything. She thinks we. Should be there all the time. My husband insists on going there every day and it is getting him down. The stress is not good for him, and he is getting depressed and his own health is suffering as a result. I'm trying to support him. We are 71 and 72 and I would like to enjoy what's left of our retirement, but he won't go anywhere or do anything because of her. People just live too long!  She doesn't show any signs of going anywhere soon, but since she says all the time that she wants to die, that is what I pray for for her sake.

No, it is not wrong - depends on the circumstances. If someone was and is nasty, abusive, demanding, etc. that sure adds to that wish. And if the person is so far removed from what they once were or are suffering in pain and other anguish, no, it is not wrong - it is the decent and humane wish to ease someone's suffering and allow life to unfold for those who remain.

No!! Not when they are 84 yrs old have 10 different health issues and getting harassed by siblings because I am taking caregiver money, and came up from a dysfunctional family to start with, where I am their punching bag and stuck because I live closer by and taking care of a bully mother and ready to put myself in a hospital!!! When I feel guilty I just remind myself how hard this is and how mean and critical my family has been towards me who don't help out!!!!!!!!! I can't wait till it's all over!!!

I watched my Aunt go through this with my great grandma--the stress and toll it took on her. She suffered from dementia but was otherwise healthy until she died from a heart attack at 94. You have to take care of yourself. Even with someone that you have previously had a good relationship with can take everything out of you. Now we are starting to enter this with my mom and grandma and I really worry about the toll it will take on my family.

I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain and sorrow everyone is going through. And all the difficult day to day responsibilities. Plus the grief from siblings and family about what is being done and not done and they are not even the ones doing all the work.

Even though my dad was grumpy. And everything fell on me for the most part. I still did not want my dad to die. It was getting tough. And I was burned out. But I still didn't want my dad to die. The reality of his passing is still very hard for me to process. I still wished I could have taken a step back and realized he was dying. He spent a better part of year dying and I was only getting more frustrated. I wished I had done it differently.

No, it is not wrong to wish this. For example, if the patient is very old, feeble, helpless, ill, in pain and mentally and physically gone, it would be a blessing. Another reason would be if the patient was very nasty, selfish, abusive and extremely demanding and difficult to care for and doing so was impacting the life of the caregiver and their family. This is just a natural thing to wish and I see nothing wrong with it under these circumstances.

I am reading the above comments and realize that the body is outlives the mind. Happens in dementia cases. Very sad. See it with my 92 year old Mother.

This thread has been going for 5 years but it is so appropriate for caregivers as so many of us ask ourselves this. Its very hard to follow now that the font size is so HUGE and one has to go back little by little, page by page. I don't remember if I made a recent comment. I weighed in a year ago, talking about my 101 year old mother who was unhappy and complained for 25 years. She passed a few weeks later and it was a blessing. It broke our hearts over the years to watch Mom so unhappy yet so physically healthy up until she was almost 100.
As awful as it sounds, we, the family all agreed it would be kindest to her emotionally if she passed in her sleep, instead of suffering through a slow age and health decline. It didn't happen, unfortunately, and she faded away drugged with morphine in a nursing home after falling and breaking bones.  Some people who suffer want to pass, but she fought it every step of the way.  We prayed that  because of the medication, at the end, she was at peace and did not realize what was happening.    Its been a year now, we miss her, but we know she is in a better place.

AmyGrace know what you mean. Been thinking about you and sorry have not been in touch but it seems like one thing after another. My Mom is 92 and is also miserable. (Still)(and mean).But I'm not sure.....I think she feeds on being miserable. If she wasn't miserable she would miss it. The more miserable she makes other people the happier she is. I kid you not.

Yes it's wrong. The best thing to do if it's draining you is to leave the situation. Let them figure out how they're going to be cared for when you're gone

I don't think it's wrong at all to wonder when it's all going to end... for everyone.

It's not easy to see someone suffer unnecessarily whether they are joyful, loving human beings or miserable grumps that feed on negativity. It's truly awful to watch someone's body be kept alive well past it's prime.

@ Dontask4handout, this thread isn't in the spirit of "My elderly loved one is old and a lot of trouble, let's get rid of him/her"... It's coming from a place of compassion.

"Just leaving the situation..." isn't care giving at all. A truly ill person (especially with cognition decline) CAN'T figure out how to be cared for which is why they need CARE GIVERS -- most likely they are in danger if left on their own.

Since, it's so wrong...

Picture this: A person brings a 11-year-old dog to a veterinary clinic that can't see or hear well (and is extremely anxious as a result). The dog is starting to have accidents in the house because of it's advanced age and has been constantly whining in pain. After an examination, the vet discovers that the dog has a condition that MAY be partially cured with an expensive surgery, but the animal would have to be on medication for the rest of its life.

You LOVE this animal. You've been with it all of it's life, but the surgery would be a financial burden. You really don't have the resources to care for it if you opt for the surgery. You need to work (probably extra to pay for the surgery), and how will you make sure the dog is properly cared for -- medications, companionship, etc.? So, after careful and painful consideration, you decide that the most HUMANE thing to do at this point would be to put the dog down. You take your time to say goodbye and are at the dog's bedside as it peacefully takes its last breath...

Now, take out the dog and replace with a parent, or a spouse, or a relative, or a friend. WELCOME TO THE PLIGHT OF A CARE GIVER!!! The only thing is, it's against the law to "put down" a human, so we caregivers are left to bear the emotional, physical, and financial turmoil until the end!!

IT'S NOT WRONG, and it gets me riled up when folks who DON'T UNDERSTAND the magnitude of a care giver's sacrifice to judge a completely human emotion and contemplation.

HUGS TO ALL CARE GIVERS!!!!

Tiny, I don't altogether accept the beloved pet/parent parallel, and I don't think its being against the law is the "only" thing, or even the main thing; but all the same I completely applaud the spirit of your post. Power hugs to you!