Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

That is true. I've been thinking less of myself that I really can't figure out what to do. She has herself hoarded away in her house. Her family doesn't care about her -- kind of sad. She doesn't have any friends, since she pushes people away. The only thing she has in the world is a daughter who would rather be anywhere else. It is really a sad world that she built for herself. It is a bit like a fort. I don't know how people get this isolated. I see old people out and about all the time. The only place my mother will go is to church and out to eat. There is one thing to the strategy -- If she watches TV all day long, it lessens the chance that she'll fall. Plus it doesn't take a lot of energy, so her battery stays full longer. A sad effect is that the people on the TV become her family and friends. She told me the other day that the Waltons were like family now to her. I wonder if John Boy and the others would like to help take care of her. :-)

I left her alone today and went out to enjoy some time eating and visiting. Social contact always helps me to feel better. I was never meant to whither away in a fort.

Cwilllie if you don't mind would you explain how you got your mother to accept the move to a nursing home? Mine is quite content to sit here watching tv all day. Sleeps with her door opened,and tv on all night. She has zero desire to do anything else . I think an independent living situation would be much better for her and for me. The place I've looked into allows small pets. There is 24 security. The average residents age is 84. She'd be a youngster at 79. Most people there do have memory loss, but still function independently. The place offers so much. Weekly trips to casinos, art exhibits , etc. it's beautiful and affordable. There is also an assisted living part of this place for when the resident would need that. I just know she would hate it because she has been with me for 20 years. I'm kind of living in purgatory. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Erin, my mom is well beyond the point where she can voice an opinion, but even when she was more with it she was never they kind of woman who fought against the current. Several years ago I thought I had no choice but to place her in an NH and her response were a few tears and "whatever you think is best". As close as my mom and I were back then I would have never completely given up my own life on her say so, once I entered my caregiving years I made the choices that seemed sensible for both of us.
The IL/AL you have found sounds lovely, and you say it is affordable too! Change is always scary, but I know that is exactly what I have planned for my own future. My opinion is that most people wait too long to make the change, it is so much better to make the transition when you are young enough and well enough to participate in the process and still independent enough continue to participate in what you enjoy from your former life.

Thank you very much cwillie. Something for me to think about. I'm just getting resentful and unhappy because I'm putting her first . That's my choice and something I need to rethink. Thanks again for posting

I so understand! Oh, do I so understand! I swear, the narcissism is so thick! God forbid my husband and I ever get to live just a few of the years that my mil was lucky enough to live- before she suffocated me and my husband.

Kind of random response. Haven't seen this question for a while. But I remember being a teenager, maybe a little older , when my dad told me about the day his dad died. I didn't know him because I was 2 when he died. Anyway, my dad said he was at the hospital when his dad was dying and he said "mo ( my nick name from him). Notre Dame was on and it took so long for him to die. I wanted to watch the end of the game". I know that sounds so callous and mean. My dad was under 3O when his dad died. No dementia but severe alcoholism. My dad was a very kind, social, intelligent guy. That did sound terrible saying that about his dad, but he was also only human and had endured a life of disappointments and turmoil because of his dads alcoholism, and I guess he was just being honest with me

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Being around someone so negative will make you negative too.
There are stages of COPD. Is she in the last stages yet? Is she on constant oxygen? Death may come faster than you think.
Maybe the hospital will suggest you put your mom in an aging care facility.

Hi everyone. This question keeps going around my head. I read somewhere on this site that just because we have a thought go through our head it isn't bad. I mean every morning I wonder is this the day or when I come home from leaving mom will I find her dead? I think it is called anticipatory grief? It isn't I want her dead... it's just I wonder how I will react?
I feel bad each time I clean her room I mentally rearrange the furniture for when she is gone. Now how awful is that???!!! I mean for crying out loud. What kind of daughter does that?
Mom has taken over my dining room because she can't do the stairs. I have a breakfast area but I miss my dining room. Just saying that sounds awful! I mean when mom took care of her mom they put on an addition with my uncles money. She also had two other sisters to help. It's just me with my husband and daughter. Well, there I said it all. Thanks for listening. I've erased this several times but I'm not going to this time.

Patticake, I think a lot of it is the desire to relieve ourselves of the never ending burden of caregiving. I've got to say I feel much more kindly disposed toward my mom since she is in a NH, when she was still at home her death would have been the key to my freedom, a terrible double edged sword.

Such guilt we place upon ourselves! I agree with cwillie and the rest who are all so very tired of the constant demands that being good caregivers require of us....I helped my dad ( now 88) take care of my mom who died 2 years ago from Alz. and my main reaction to her death was one of relief! Not only for myself, but for both my mom and dad. She was 92 when she died and she had been so very sick for such a long time and as caregivers my dad and I were simply exhausted, especially my dad. Being a good caregiver basically means you have NO life of your own...very few have anybody else in the family who is willing to give the primary caregiver (PC) the help he/she needs....although it seems that non-caregivers sure do tell you what MORE you should be doing or that you're doing it WRONG....I'm just going to say it bluntly, as someone who has 'walked the walk'.....IT IS NOT WRONG TO HOPE FOR SOMEONE TO DIE....The wonderful people (on this site) who take on the responsibility of caring for someone are coming to this from a position of LOVE, because only from this position of love could we all do this day after day, year after year and at great physical, mental and emotional cost to ourselves and WITHOUT thanks or help. To all of you who are still actively caregiving...Bless you! Lindaz

Amen Lindaz. Couldn't agree more

We have My FIL back in our home and on Hospice Care, and every single time I walk into his room I wonder whether I will find him dead. It's not like I'm wanting that to happen (am I ?), but I can't stop thinking how hard this is on us, and on him, as we are taking care of his every need, besides breathing and sleeping. It must be terribly difficult for him to lay there day in and out, wondering when death will take him, and so very difficult for him to think that he is somehow holding us up from living our lives, though somehow I don't think he really care how hard this is on us, as he is quite the Narcissist.

I creep quietly to his doorway, so as not to wake him up, and when I find him sleeping, I look to his chest to see if it is still rising and falling. It's a creepy feeling knowing that one day we will find he has passed away. I thought it had happened one time, as his teeth were askew in his mouth and he is so terribly pale, but then he stirred and that was that, he's still in the land of the living.

Last night before sleeping, we gave him Guiafinasin to help with the thick secretions, and he has nightmares in the night, it was awful, so another restless night for all of us, and we now know not to do that again, or at least we think that was the cause of it! We may try daytime dosing.

I do know that as the time goes on, and his body shuts down, that he could get visual and auditory hallucinations, and if they are anything like last night, I hope that never happens again!

Waiting for death is such a strange place to be in. It never crossed my mind that we would ever be doing this.

He lived with us for many years before placing him in AL, which only lasted 9 weeks total before he became very ill, hospitalized and the Advanced Lung Cancer was found, now back with us on Hospice Care.

I always thought that his death would be a more natural thing, and that we would just find him gone one morning, but I never dwelled on it. Now I'm dwelling on it all the time, knowing that it is imminent, or more probable within weeks. It's a very weird place to be.

So Yes, I am hoping for it, to put us all out of misery. And I feel like crap about it!

Stacy, please be gentle on yourself....what you and so many others are going through as caregivers and as loved ones (living with death that comes by inches) is, I think, the hardest thing you'll ever have to do! Blessings to you and your family, Lindaz.

Not on topic. Sorry. My mother looks like death warmed over. 94 pounds. Has been for 2 years. Dementia. Used to work a year ago. Now sits here. My thoughts are I am withdrawing emotionally because instinctively I am sensing a loss. Declining in many not all ways. The person I knew is dead already. She is a fraction of the beautiful smart lady she was. I think her dementia is causing my primal need ( not sure of correct word) but my acceptance of the inevitable. I love her but I don't. Love what caring for her has done to me Not the same. I'll make sure her life is as good as it can be. Maybe it's my self protective subconscious that's protecting me.

stacey (((((((hugs))))) what can you do when QOL is so poor? My heart goes out to all of you. You are doing the hardest job ever.

erin - anticipatory grieving which is normal. It helps us prepare for what is to come. It is so hard watching them reduced to a shell of their former selves.

Erin, you're saying something I've been wondering. My mother is almost 91 now, but her mind has been gone since she was around 80. She has been able to do rote tasks, but she hasn't been able to do things that require reasoning. It's like a huge part of her died but left the mechanical part behind. Each day she does the same things, though she is slowly losing her ability to do these things, as well.

My mother has several things that would have been lethal to people 100 years ago. She has very high blood pressure, insulin-dependent diabetes, and severe spinal stenosis with arthritis along the length of her spine. She walks bent almost in two, even with her walker. The diseases and pain are helped by daily medication. But sometimes I wonder if we're just keeping the body going when no one is at home anymore.

Another thing with my mother is she clings desperately to life even though she is in misery. I don't understand the will to keep going when life becomes so difficult. She monitors her vitals and wants to go to the doctor immediately if something is off. That tendency is getting less now, so I'm wondering if she finally letting go. I wish that it didn't have to be this hard. I wish we could go back to the day when serious stroke or heart attack would take someone and not leave a remnant of the person who used to occupy the body.

Thanks Golden and JessieBelle for your responses. I guess we keep on trucking like the old song or saying said. Hope you both are having a good day

I hope things will change for you so you will have more time and energy to spend on your son.

You need to place her in a nursing home. Your contempt for your mother, not saying you can't justify it, will not get better. All that negativity will only bring hardship for you in your emotional life and cause you to blame her for a speeding ticket because she was on your mind. God Bless.

What a difficult path you have to walk! No, it is natural and expected for you to yearn for peace for them and for yourself. I saw my mother and father and husband through their cancers (husband and father), dementia and stroke (mother). Even with help ,it was a draining job, both physically and emotionally. There were times I yearned for a final peace for them and for me. Felt guilty at the time and did not admit to myself that this was natural and not a character defect on my part. I did the best I could for them and have the reward now of knowing that is what I did. The support of my Parish Priest and hospice helped a lot with the guilt and I realized when they died one by one , that my feelings of relief along with the grief did not negate nor condemn my feelings. I did my very best for them, and as long as you do that, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are entitled to your feelings and neither guilty nor unfeeling to react to the strain of doing what you are doing in their best interest.
I highly recommend Hospice to help with the medical evaluation, advice and to give you much--needed support. I admire and am very grateful for their wisdom and support. Their visiting nurses took care of the day-to-day physical evaluations and they had quick access to the medical staff when needed. I did not have to struggle with trying to evaluate current medical needs and trying to get access to doctors, prescriptions, etc. The Hospice staff had immediate access to physicians and arrived with any medications prescribed. They were there (literally) when my father died six weeks after my mother did. They knew I was grieving, dealing with my siblings and with all the details involved with being the person with the legal standing, and having a sense of relief at the same time and helped me deal with it all.

I know you will handle what needs to be done and look back with comfort that you did what was needed with love and devotion, and that your emotions (whatever they were and are ) are justified, normal and not to be regretted.

I don't know the current situation with Medicare payment for Hospice services, but whatever it costs, get it.

Going thru this nightmare with 96 yr old father and on his second pacemaker , he is impossible .. Were all old and sick but he has this 21 year old heartbeat . We can barely keep up to him . He now needs 24 hr DAY CARE AND were already exhausted .. HE is in retirement center and we make a lot of trips there for things like finding shoes ad etc . It becoming hard at 10 yrs plus now since his wife left .. Too many fights she said . YES SOMETIMES WE PRAY FOR HIM TO GO TO HEAVEN .. lol sad but they will put another pacemacker in soon ,, making him the living dead ... not funny but happening to a lot of kids and aging parents with attitude problems .The center will not let him stay much longer ,, needing more attention now .

I wished my father dead when the Dr. said 2-4 months. I prayed to God it would only be 2, months out of love. And it turned out to be a little less than 2 months. It's not wrong to wish your parent dead when they are suffering or have become so dependent and harassing you a sucking the years out of your life. Your only human and it's just a thought coming from resentment, frustration, anger, etc. : )

My aunt and uncle were both independent, strong, and active into their 80’s when at 83 my uncle went in for a procedure on his thumb, had a stroke in the hospital, went into a coma and died two weeks later. While he was in the coma I remember my aunt telling me that she prayed for mercy for him. I’ve never forgotten it. That is really what we all want for ourselves and our loved ones. If healing won’t come then let mercy be shown them. Oddly enough, she died in a similar manner 9 months later.

At 95, going into stage 7 Alzheimer's disease, my mother's heart doesn't know to stop.
Do I wish her dead? Let's put it this way, I wish she could have her mind back. I wish that she didn't need a walker AND a caregiver to walk from the chair to the bathroom. I wish she could sleep all night and be awake all day. I wish she knew who I was.
She has no quality of life. And, without quality, what good is quantity?
I wish her a new beginning in Heaven.

Medical science has advanced so it is no longer unusual for people to live in their 80's and even 90's. Alzheimer's is becoming more epidemic due to these long lifespans. The Federal government cannot cope and it costs the nation over a quarter of a trillion dollars a year just for custodial care not including the countless thousands who provide care for FREE. Doctors and hospitals make a mint out of keeping people alive..but the Alzheimer's diseased elder population are like the living dead as this disease eats up their mind and personality..which makes what a person is. With this end-stage brain disease, the person is already gone and the only thing left is the shell.

My father in law is a wonderful man but he has been cared for at home for the past 10 years. I believe that has extended his life. His caregivers, my SIL's, think he has quality of life. I see a man who can't focus his thoughts, who sleeps all day and eats small meals daily. He is bathed and taken to the bathroom. Recently he ended up in the hospital with a severe infection. He overcame it. Now he is in a LTC and has pneumonia from which he is recovering. When I talk to him he always asks me "What's the weather like out there." Done. I know he wants to be with Mom and his extended life has taken more than 10 years from all of us. We never have dinner anywhere but at the condo as Dad can't be taken out. Christmas has become a repetitive ritual because Dad is central. I guess that is all well and good and it is surely God's decision to make but I wish he would pass on and "let his people go." I dislike these thoughts and have shared them only with my husband who concurs. Our family dynamics would change in a healthy way and we could all spread out and Dad would be in glory.
It seems a good answer but I feel wicked.

No need to feel wicked, sweetie.... your FIL is being held back from being in "glory", and that's too bad. 40 years ago, before there were so many medical "miracles" most people died around 70-80 years old - BEFORE all these awful ills got them. Now prolonging life no matter what the quality has become an epidemic and a nightmare. The good news is that it WILL happen, and you will all be free to live your own lives then...

Both my parents didn't want me, were burdened by me, and basically were total failures. as parents. My father died, I shed a couple of tears, and haven't thought about him much in 20 years. Other than what a failure as a father he was....My mother, she was in a nursing home, her every need being taken care. Sweet Jesus, what a relief that was to me! She passed away some years later, totally brain-dead from dementia, and though I did grieve, it was a blessing. now, I think it was definitely a blessing, they both passed away relatively peacefully... I do think people who unfortunately suffer in their end days do deserve a quick, merciful death. No one gets out of here alive, people.

Both of my parents have been expressing the wish to die since around the age of 70. This started while health was still good. Now mom is 75 and threatens suicide on a daily basis. She is miserable and willing to take us all down with her. Dad had to be put in ALF due to dementia and he is miserable. They hate each other. I am in the middle. I certainly wish there were days when the misery would disappear. When they are gone I will feel free. It's sad to see them so miserable and they have both declared their lives are over.

No, I don't think it is wrong to wish people to die. As a Catholic Christian I believe they will be in glory. This is not our "forever" home on earth. Our family has become hopelessly dysfunctional as my 96 yo FIL is now dying. My SIL's have obsessed over him and his care. No matter how many times my husband (his son) and I offer help we are shut out. We visited Dad yesterday in the LTC . He has pneumonia, is on O2 and can barely stay awake. His mind is near gone. We offered to help with his meal but were turned down by daughter #4. She stated "I think Dad is getting more robust." More robust!? He is dying. We decided to have my husband drop in after work for half and hour and leave me home. I ended up watching football with Dad's roommate, a former football coach. All you can do is try hard and demonstrate care and love.  If you are rebuffed and have different feelings it's okay.