Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I don't think it is wrong to want to see the end of someone's suffering.
I think if things are that bad, it's time to get a buffer. It could be a carer, respite care, or a home. You shouldn't have to put your entire life on hold to be abused.
Or call the doc and say this person is miserable and tell them why. Maybe they need anti anxiety meds or a depression med? Not that a pill fixes everything, but it might help.

Wow... I hope you can find some counseling.. My feelings are that if you love someone, it is possible to hope someone that is in clear pain and suffering passes as peacefully and promptly as they or God has set forth... but to hope someone dies because of the reasons you cited.. well.. if she makes you so miserable.. yes.. get away.. and if it feels good... definitely stay away... but to hope someone dies because of their ill mannered behavior.. bad attitude or simply your well being.. seems a little off target..
Put a respectable and respectful distance between you and her.. recreate , restore and further fortify your relationship boundaries , and then get/give some time for yourself to heal from the wounds of a rough time..... best regards..

Honestly, I have a parent like this too. She is very divisive. Our parents divorced when we were young and the family is a case study in dysfunction.
I am barely making it by myself. The focus of my siblings is the care of my parents, particularly my mother. The woman is not well, but she has had more fancy vacations, trips, telephone calls and is a constant focus of attention of care and concern.
She offered to buy me a gift which is something I need and it is rather expensive. I told her that was very generous of her and I began to research prices, practically, etc.
When I told her I was just about ready to make the purchase, she expressed her concern that my siblings - who do a lot of nice things for her - would be mad at her if she bought an expensive gift for me.
All these people have so much more than I do. I am barely getting by. I did nothing t ask for this item. She offered it to me.
i just listened to a litany of my mother’s plans of what type of thrips she wishes to take in the future and that she is afraid if she buys me the gift she offered me my other siblings will not be so generous with her - because she shared some of what they gave her with me.
I never asked her for it. She offered. I have done a lot of research and was looking forward to receiving this important item. Now she is complaining that she is afraid to give me the money for it.
Afraid if her own children?’
I tell you this family is so disfunctional and she is the architect of it. I have a very strong feeling that few tears will be shed when she passes away.
It is just mean to say “I want to get you this”, then say - well maybe I shouldn’t.
She is also very generous with my nieces and nephews and her sister, my aunt. My siblings never say a word about it. Why she tortures me in this fashion I have no idea.
All I can say is it makes me feel very unloved and unappreciated.
When there is no love lost, there is really no loss when the person dies. The loss happened a long time ago.

I should check out the dysfunctional families thread, Kidnumber2. You'll be in good company!

I'm not sure what to say about your current issue. An offer made and then withdrawn... I can see how it would grate, particularly when the rest of the family's main problem is whether to go on the Caribbean cruise or the trip to Hawaii. I'm so sorry they're being kept awake like this, it must be a constant worry for them.🙄

But from your mother's point of view, I wouldn't be so quick to blame her. The gift would, inevitably, come to light (and why not, it's her money isn't it?) and she'd never hear the end of it, by the sound of things. It's not so much afraid of the children as dreading the fallout and their going on an on about it and lecturing her. Which they would, I suspect, don't you?

If she were the sort of woman who could tell them to mind their own business, if she wants to get this necessary item for her own daughter who are they to say her nay, it would be a bit different. But then if she were that sort of woman, she wouldn't be so dependent on her children's attention and approval, would she.

Do you mind my asking what the item is? Will you have any other means of getting hold of it?

kidnumber3 -with all due respect to cm's views, I think your mother is playing games and probably does on a regular basis. I think she knew what she was doing from the start. Any narcissist is very dependent on attention from whomever will give it, and to me it sounds like she plays your siblings very well. My mother, who is narcissistic, would do that type of thing. She actually gave me an antique item once, then when I wouldn't do what she wanted me to do with it, she took it back and said she would give it to my sister. It's called triangulation and is a way of expressing anger. She promised me items she had, so I put off getting such for myself, then she dragged her feet giving them to me. Finally I realised it was an attention-getting game as she would talk about maybe she would give it to me after... and so on but it would never happen. I learned to ignore her "promises". Another game was "Let's go shopping for summer clothing at X store", giving the impression that she would buy, then she would sit in a chair in the expensive store criticizing everything I tried on, and, if I chose anything, I paid for it. That didn't happen too many times till I caught on. I am sorry you have this to contend with, as well as well off siblings who "play" your mother,

I hang out n the dysfun fam thread. We share your pain of game-playing parent(s). ((((((hugs))))))

I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with cancer and his organs started to one by one give up on him. His arms, legs, half his face so eating became an issue, the ability to go to the restroom on his own, then eventually his brain. After months of care giving, changing diapers, feeding and him being stubborn and difficult, the same thought crossed my mind. Maybe, just maybe, it's better if he passed. I felt so guilty each time the thought came to mind, then a few seconds later he would be acting difficult and I would think the same thing; it was a cycle of those feelings daily. He passed away, looking back, it was best for him as he was miserable in his state and it was best for the family as well. All in all, I think it's just human nature to have such feelings and thoughts, we are not God, just humans. From one care giving child to another! Prayers to you!

My 95 year old much loved mother has Alzheimer's and lives in a board and care facility. I can't quite work my mind around wishing she would die, but I do wish that her much loved parents and brothers and sisters (6 boys, 2 girls), who preceded her in death, would come to take her to be with them. Her youngest brother just died April 10, 2018, and if my mom were cognizant, this knowledge would have broken her heart. She was the 5th of nine children and has said goodbye to (now) all of her siblings. The blessing of Alzheimer's is that she barely remembered him so it wasn't necessary to explain why he wasn't calling or sending her letters. He actually sent her a birthday card in March but when I read it to her at the time, she didn't remember who he was. I visit her 3 days a week and try to be and work with wherever she is at that point in time, but it breaks my heart to see her like this. My mom led a simple life--she didn't have amazing hobbies or was civic mind and involved, but she did love her family, and was always there when you needed her, even if she disagreed with what you were doing. She was fiercely independent and never moaned and groaned about the difficulties that impacted her life. In fact, if you would have asked her, she would have told you that having her little house and pension from the State of California had given her so much more than she ever expected to have in her lifetime. She has always been proper and regal in her way, and though we four children teased her a lot about her "formal ways", I have always admired many of the standards of behavior and ideas she lived by, Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to see her where she is now.

So what I prefer to do is to envision my mother's family coming to take her home with them. Like most people with Alzheimer's my mom fixates on the past and not on her present, so often she doesn't know who I am, or takes me for someone else and I just go along with that. But when I pray, I see a large family gathering that has everyone we grew up with that has passed on, and they are waiting for my mom to join them. And I tell her, it's okay to go with them. That one day we will all be together but it's okay for her to go first. I think one day she'll listen to me and feel secure that her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will be alright and be able to let go. She would never choose to live how she is living now, and she's actually in a very nice establishment. But it is not the life she would have
wanted for herself.

I pray every night for my mother to die and i don't even feel bad about it. I plead and cry during the day and don't understand why I'm being punished with having to deal with her. I've always been a great daughter, a great Mom and i am in general a caring person but I'm at my limit as you are.

As time goes by, it's getting harder to see my grandfather in the condition he's in. I don't even remember what my last report was in this post, but he was in a rehab facility for most of August. The first week or so of September he was discharged and not even 24 hours later he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. Had to have emergency surgery to get his neck fused and ran the risk of being paralyzed. My mom felt guilty because she had locked the basement door but she couldn't have known someone came to the house to work on something and left the door unlocked. My aunt had just gotten in town and felt guilty because she was in the shower. Yet they still want him to come back home after all of this...smh

He's still hospitalized, can talk but most of the time it's nonsense and him bringing up one of his siblings that's passed decades ago. He's been moved around a couple times, has had to have mitts put on so he won't pull off his gown or pull out his feeding tube. They're waiting for him to be placed in a rehab facility now. I hear he could be moved to one in a few days. Basically a wash/rinse/repeat situation, which shows me that everyone else seems to be in denial about the situation. But, I'm not POA so really it's not my problem. I just have to trust that my mother will do what's best.

Meanwhile I'm finally moving out of my grands' house next month into my first place! I've gotten nothing but grief and guilt trips from my mom and grandmother about it. Mom picks fights with me a lot over nothing. My grandmother is saying it's a bad time because my grandad "will really need you when he gets home." And also she says she needs help, but she's been getting around pretty well lately. Something tells me she's gonna start hamming it up soon, but I'll be ready. I have to do what's best for me. I put in my time, blood, sweat and tears basically for the last 10 years since graduating college. It's way past time.

It is OK. I think many of us have felt similar. Perhaps it is not wanting someone to die, but rather wanting an end to a condition that will never improve. We want to stop feeling tormented by seeing our loved one in pain. We want to stop feeling helpless to make the situation better. We want to not feel guilty for taking care of our own needs over theirs at times. Sadly, their death is the only thing that seems will bring certain relief to such anguish. I never want to be in the condition my parents are in, but I know they didn't either. I wish we could chose the way we leave this life. Some things just seem inhumane and we wouldn't allow our pets to suffer like this. It is hard to acknowledge such feelings and I am sorry we are all on this difficult road.

As my Mom (86) seems to be maintaining good physical health although her mind is going I am wondering if any here have had to transition their parent from private care to Medicare facility? She should be financially viable for 3 more years but I worry about the stress of moving her (for her and myself and my siblings are losers who don’t help). I would appreciate any tips. Thank you and I am so sorry for the pain I read here. My Mom as well thinks it’s all about her and my daily life is not important at all. But growing up she was wonderful so I do my very best in immersing myself in the Bible to help me cope.

I don't think it's wrong. Sometimes living is worse than death. My father was a wonderful dad, but has had AD for at least 15 years. He is in the final stage now and all I can hope for is that he passed away quickly and peacefully. It is so hard to watch him waste away

Maybe the way out is taking her to nurcing home.

Quality of life is more important than simply living. It sounds like your mother doesn't want to be "here" anymore. Given that, it won't be long. Are you truly prepared for that? Have you spoken to a Hospice Nurse?

You have got your answers, I believe it's good to let your anger an stress out,and it's obvious you don't need our support! That's a tough road you have, put mom in a home and move on. The best to you and family. Life is short go and enjoy it.😊

In my mother's final stages of Alzheimer's she looked like she'd already passed. Vegetative. The journey took approximately 10 years. It seemed eternal but the day comes when the nightmare of Alzheimer's ends.

As I close the care taking chapters of my life I'm reading these posts about people considering sharing space, becoming care givers with parents. I shudder at the nightmare ahead. I chose that option and it ruined my life. I left my own housing, and a job and the city I loved to move back home at the request of my mother to come "home and help" My dad was terminal and she was all alone so she reported.

It is a mistake to be in a vulnerable position in someone else's home when you don't have a job. Especially when that person has a history of pitting siblings against siblings and lying in a believable way. The woman called mother, that was a covert narcissist with extraordinary skill of creating hell in her victims lives, played on my compassion.

My career did not recover from quitting and going "home" and it wasn't "home" it was an emotionally abusive, dysfunctional hell. Long story short by the time my mother was done triangulating the siblings I ended up in a homeless shelter myself, unemployed and broken financially and emotionally.

Yes, I hoped she would die, not out of spite but to have the strings that tied me to the worst 10 years of my life cut. She did pass, I long thought she would outlive me because of the trauma impacts on my body of having to deal with her.

The day comes when it ends. Friends all told me I seemed freer and lighter and changed for the better as if a dark cloud was lifted off me within weeks of my mother's death

Her lingering presence although she could no longer lie and cause direct harm still impacted me and the rest of the shattered, scattered and broken family. (that was her doing)

The things you mourn when your caregiving was to a narcissist, the matriarch of dysfunction, are the fact you always were an orphan. Orphaned at birth, orphaned selectively in endless betrayals, orphaned by the Alzheimer's and in the end, when they leave, its only relief. The fight for sanity is a battle I don't have to fight anymore. There is only relief in that.

I'm I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's conditions and that it's so difficult for her just to live. And I can't blame you for your feelings. We are only human and we can only take so much stress and worry and all of that takes a toll on the caregiver so no I do not feel that is wrong how you feeling. You are not wishing your mother to die just because you want her to die that would be evil and wrong. You want her suffering to end and it seems to just be getting worse and worse as time goes by my prayers go out to you and your mom. Stay strong and just try to remain positive and supportive and let her know that you love her no matter what despite her difficult ways. then after her time does come you will not feel guilt about how you handled things in her last days.

I hope not as I am one who wishes my husband could find some peace in his final days, he has been in care for over 5 years. He is now a diabetic and does not understand why they are giving him injections that he reacts in pain to. He can't speak or walk on his own but spends his time trying to unlock the door to the facility. Because he no longer knows anyone in the family he will not sit with us. I now worry that the injections will just extend his life. He is 90, I feel so sad and frustrated for him. I want it over for both of us,

Not really wrong.

Cool aid anyone? LOL!!!
Do what I do, Kill'em with kindness.

I hear you. Been taking of my husbands father.living with us for 6 years takes 90 percent of our time. Our health declining. I have 2 grand babies on the way. He has copd, chf, dementia, and very self centered. When nursing home brought up threatens suicide. He has home health nurse once a week ant PT 2 times a week, If we can get him inpt rehab , we can then say we cant give the care he needs🤨 Perhaps suggest hospice if she is a DNR. Comfort measures only.

Although my 99 year old mother is sweeter in her old age, fragile and appreciative, I do understand your feelings and admit to having them, as well... A month ago my husband and I moved my parents back into their home to fulfill my Dad's wish to die in his own home. He was 98 and on hospice and knew his time was short. My husband and i moved them and lived with them, caring for both. Two weeks after moving in with them my dad passed away peacefully as we held his hand.

My 99 year old mom has dementia and anxiety disorder. She was unable to process that my dad had passed but had a small bit of understanding which has led to dementia grief loops of repetitive questions, panic and intense crying about every hour.

We were not prepared to stay with my parents long term and thought for sure my mom would pass shortly after my dad. The hospice nurse thought so too. But her fear of dying is strong, and fear is keeping her alive, oddly. She's fully immobile and the heart break of the dementia and extreme anxiety has created a difficult quality of life that I would surely not want. Her fear also expects someone to be talking with her or in eye shot of her at all times which is impossible day-to-day. As much as I love her dearly and have full compassion for her, I also feel stuck and depressed at times, and angry that her fear won't let her go be with Dad. At 99, I know this is a temporary journey but I still pray that the Lord will take her suddenly and peacefully in her sleep. Sometimes in the morning Im disappointed that He didn't answer my prayer. A facility is not an option at this point and hospice has been so helpful. But you're not alone in your feelings.

I pray that everyone has some peace, comfort and sanity during this holiday season. The holidays are a great time, but definitely times when sadness is at the forefont, especially for those who have recently lost loved ones and those who are taking care of ailing family members.

I was somewhat blah about Thanksgiving because I wasn't sure how having my grandfather in the rehab facility would be but it wasn't bad. There was an option for him to come home for a few hours but the nurses said family would have to be able to take care of him while he was out. He got visits that day instead. Not sure what will happen for Christmas. There's something about it that's sad especially when everyone else around acts like it will be the last time we could spend a holiday with them, as they do with most holidays, and I hope that everyone can just enjoy the day the best we can.

Sending you a hug. A big one.

I think the following: If someone is very ill, in great pain, and generally suffering, then - yes, it is fine to wish there be peace. Second, if the person is very abusive, intolerant, nasty and their behavior is totally unacceptable and that person causes ongoing endless problems which nothing seems to work in stopping, then - yes, it is normal to wish them to pass on. Anyone who doesn't understand this is solely lacking in understanding and what they are allowing will come back to bite them. This is perfectly normal if one is a normal human being.

Omg this thread has been cathartic (I think that's the right word) to read and I read it with tears for quite a while.

Every night I wake up around 1:30-2:00 AM and my mind starts. The worry, reliving the days events and the narcissistic digs and behaviors my mom dishes out, especially when my husband isn't around. I think of how that reminds me of how growing up my dad was the buffer, and I always hated when he had to leave for work and I was alone again with my mother.

I start feeling terrified about the future as her dementia will only progress. I start hoping she gets bad enough her personality will change into something else more tolerable to be around, then lay there knowing her seething narcissism has never gone away.

I lay there in mental agony then I start wishing she would die in her sleep and I could be spared this life of hell. Then I cry and feel guilty for even thinking such a thing, then I desperately want to go back to sleep. I want to take a xanax but don't want to fry my brain with daily and nightly use so I don't.... and the cycle repeats.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I don't even mean the caregiving, I mean being born to a mother who is a narcissist.

While the great hockey star Stan Mikita was going through the brain robbing disease of Lewy Body Dementia, his daughter Jane commented:

"We've been mourning him so when he actually goes, which could be six months or it could be 10 years, we're more ready," Jane says. "I'm not going to lie to you, I pray every day that he goes because this is no quality of life. There is no dignity. And I don't say that lightly. Knowing my dad, he never would have wanted this."

www.chicagotribune.com/sports/hockey/blackhawks/ct-stan-mikita-blackhawks-spt-0615-20150614-story.html

komentaightor and big sun, thank you.

komentaightor you said:
Dementia patients naturally retreat into their shells of what they can understand, so your mom's narcissism will look like it is increasing, while it is in fact normal behaviour of a dementia patient.

This is very interesting to me because I'm realizing my mom has been and is retreating into some kind of shell. All my attempts to help her socialize with others is falling flat, and she refuses to even consider going to a senior center to meet people. She just wants her old friends (mainly her best friend) but they are long distance now since she had to move to be by me. It's really sad and in so many ways I feel bad. That life long old feeling of "I must fix it" is so strong, still!

My mom can still live independently in her condo, with some help from me next door. But her days are filled with her putting around, taking long periods of time to do each task. She has rituals, and still gets up, makes her bed, takes her shower, fixes her hair, puts on make-up, gets some breakfast. And she can spend the entire day inside, seeing nobody (except me and my husband). It's just so strange for me to see her this way. Prior she was VERY social and outgoing with a very low tolerance for boredom.

Not sure where I am going with this....

komentaightor thanks again for your response. I'm finding them very helpful. Just you saying:

"So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you."

was somehow so reassuring to me because it's almost as if I need some kind of permission to create that emotional distance, which I surely do need. Understanding she won't notice is key, because it alleviates the guilt.

I think it's all part of the acceptance and understanding of what is happening. For example, I will be sitting in my condo consumed with worry/guilt thinking that she is in her condo bored and sad and lonely, and getting angry at me for not being there. Then later come to find she was content (I think anyway) putting around and watching Judge Judy on TV (her favorite show). My mom has always been OCD about keeping her place "perfect". So what used to take her 30 mins to organize/clean/whatever now takes many hours but she still does it. And then she must watch Judge Judy.

Similar to making her bed and doing her make-up. It's like a ritual. She will spend hours to accomplish the task even if she isn't leaving the condo all day and seeing nobody.

BUT (there is always a but) that is just part of the picture. Other days/times her mood swings rapidly and she gets mean and nasty and will just glare at me as if I should be doing something.... but WHAT? The other day she criticized me in a very condescending tone for spending too much time with my husband. I ignored it, but really?? It's rare for me to go more than a day and not spend at least 2-3 hours with her either at her place or mine, plus dinners. I guarantee she would prefer that I was single at age 56 so I could be her "partner" so to speak.

Anyway I have gotten off the topic of this thread so sorry about that, just wanted to say your comments have been helpful. I need to understand things in the way you describe. You seem very wise on this stuff.

What's sad is that your feelings about your mother's actions and bad moods are being left to you to work through on your own since she refuses to care for herself. Your relationship with her is hurting you and doesn't seem to be helping her either. Her demands and requests most likely go well beyond your actual or perceived responsibilities to her, so maybe you could simply not do most of them and do only what is necessary. Her attitude might change then or get worse, but you will be saving yourself for some enjoyment of life. I hope she experiences some peace while still alive.