Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I moved both of my parents into my home almost 5 years ago. My dad had Coronary Artery Disease and Vascular Dementia and my mom has since developed the same diagnoses. My dad died in May of this year and my mom has been on the decline ever since. They were wonderful parents and I still think about and sometimes wish for her die. I am so tired of doing everything for her and previously for both of them. I am an only child without supports. I rely on the help of a home health aid twice a week but for the most part I am on my own with this. I was able to care for my dad until the final week of his life when he was hospitalized. I feel that I need to do the same for her but what if I run out of steam. I can't do less for her than I did for him. It is easier for me to think about her dying than thinking about having to place her in a nursing home. I do feel guilty about my thoughts but they are just thoughts and I suspect that many others while not open to admitting them feel similarly. My life has been on hold for 5 years. I wonder how much longer I will be in this situation. I feel for you and all of those who have been at this a lot longer than me.

I hear and understand. I am wishing the same....

No way. Normal. I see many posts about not old but truly ancient parents who have lived far too long and this is not how it is meant to be. Longevity is fine as long as you have good health and the money to pay for it. Personally I think a lot of this is caused by the wonders of new age medication where no one is supposed to die anymore of old age. Your thoughts are valid and there’s plenty of us who feel the same

So damn hard to be around negativity all of your life. So sorry you have had to endure that. You like many others in your position have survived it. Hold your head high!

Yep, this is definitely another night I am wishing it would be sooner than later. I have asked my mother repeatedly not to sneak up behind me. She does NOT have dementia, and she did it again tonight and I lost my cool and yelled at her. She kept trying to talk through it and justify; and I just yelled over her and said I don't care why you do it, but I have asked over and over and over to not do it. So I yelled "Do NOT do that again". I said it several times. Finally she huffed off to her bedroom (my house that I try to share) and closed the door all the way. I am ready for her to go... she is in her 90's and I am tired of having to yell to make a point... that is definitely NOT who I am, but I keep sinking to her level. I want MY LIFE BACK!!!!

polarbear, it's strange actually, high blood pressure has never been one of my few medical issues. Thank Heavens! And I have a 5-day vacation for myself in a couple of months... won't discuss it with anyone, because I won't let "her" suck my happiness away :)

About the only condolence I can give is at least she hasn't tried accusing you of something that the cops would come after you for. My grandmother has more than once done that....
Accusing me of hitting her when it was a gentle tap on the shoulder or shoving her when I'm more than 5 or 10ft across the room.
Always in public for pity party attention and sympathy while I or my mother gets blamed for crap.

I'm with you on the wishing bit... If only to prevent worse health for the rest of us!

It isn't wrong to wish an unproductive, dependent life to hasten to its natural end. I am angry, angry, angry at the medical field for keeping people alive for long past their natural lifespan...but there is great profit in them doing so. Read "Natural Causes: An Epidemic of Wellness, the Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer", a book by Barbara Ehrenreich. She says a lot of things that I agree with, so much so that I have pretty much decided not to fall prey to the need for doctors to keep me alive should I develop a serious medical condition. If a person is 96, sharp as a tack, and healthy...more power to them, but I feel they are the exception and not the rule. We are not designed to live forever, and we should be allowed to die while we still have our dignity and are not a burden to anyone. Comfort yourself...you are doing and thinking nothing wrong, and I hope you find the peace you need...soon! God bless.

I felt guilty for wishing this when my mother, an extreme narcissist, was alive. Now that she is gone, I feel that both I am better off and maybe, just maybe, she found the peace she never had on earth. No, it is not wrong.

Wow, BelleFleur. Your post drew me in because I have actually PRAYED -- BEGGED God for my mother's end. I've done so while sobbing, even. I've done so in earnest. I know it's "wrong" to pray for someone's death and that it is not up to me, but I need relief in the worst way. My mother is 84; I'll be 61 next month. She lives in a senior facility where she is in their "independent living" section in a duplex. She manages to take care of herself -- sorting her many pills, calling senior helpers to take her to various appointments. And, she is mean, hateful, hurtful and I can't take it any longer. I've put up with her poor behavior and poor treatment of me (and my other sibs) and I feel so stressed out and broken down that I'm now worried about having some sort of medical setback (strokes run on both sides of my family). The latest is that I called her to invite her out for Mother's Day lunch and she said, "Aw, sh*t, another holiday! I'm comfortable with my routine." and the conversation went downhill from there. I told her that we don't HAVE to do anything and she tried to backtrack (always has to be right and have an answer for everything and does not apologize -- ever). We ended the phone call and I've spent the past two days feeling guilty, turning it over to God, taking it back from God and feeling guilty and trying to decide what to do because it's Mother's Day, after all. But, I recall this same exact issue/feeling from LAST YEAR and so I think I might just leave her to her own devices so that I can maintain some semblance of sanity (and have less stress). Just today, I blocked her on my cell phone. It felt good, even though I don't know how long I will keep her blocked. I just need to rest from her horrible treatment of me. She basically told me she doesn't want to be bothered with me (or a visit from me). She's been mean, bitter and verbally abusive and I kept trying to "honor thy mother" but at my own expense. I want so badly to be done with her. The guilt may creep back in, but for now, I'm looking at skipping Mother's Day 2019 and being okay with it. God bless all of us children of these women.

I Go on with your own life. She is ok in independent living. Honoring your parents does not mean sacrificing yourself.

Even if it were 'wrong to hope someone dies', it's still understandable, given the pressure we're under. Extreme prolonging of 'life' in the elderly is obscene. Mostly it just prolongs death. And we have a life of our own that slips away in the meantime. Of course we want it to end. God help us, hugs to all.

I took care of my mother with dementia and there were times towards the end where I prayed that God would heal her but if that wasn't His will to take her home. I didn't want her to suffer anymore and I believe these are normal feelings we experience when placed in very stressful situations.

It's not wrong to hope someone just passes quickly, sooner rather than later and there are all kinds of good reason to have that feeling, particularly here. It would be wrong to make that happen but not to hope it does or even allow ones body do naturally slip away by not trying to prolong things and simply make a dying person comfortable, at least in my opinion unless that person has expressed that they want every measure taken to prolong their life. In your mom's case by the sounds of it her body is shutting down, she has multiple medical problems that are affecting quality of life not just quantity and even a normally miserable person can't be enjoying the medical limitations she has. I think perhaps you are confusing your anger and disappointment in who your mother is and always has been, the misery she knowingly caused throughout your life, your personal feelings about her and her factual situation here. Your feeling guilty about your feelings because you know you don't like her but I think even if you removed her personality from the equation, if she were a wonderful mom all your life, it wouldn't be surprising for you to wish for a speedy end to her life at this point either. No you don't get to make the decision and that's God, nature, her way of protecting us from ourselves but there is no shame in wishing for her benefit that it happens quickly and no shame in knowing that benefits you as well whatever your relationship throughout life. You may also be surprise at the flood of sadness that you experience when she does pass, don't question it or whatever emotions you feel just go with them, experience them.

Your thoughts are not wrong. Unless you are psychotic or delusional, your thoughts will not lead to any bad outcomes, because they are your internal thoughts, they are yours, and you can think whatever you want. You do not have to share your thoughts with anyone.

You can care about someone's well being but without actually loving them. You may or may not grieve when someone dies, and that is dependent on your feelings and emotions.

Think about it this way. You can say anything you want to yourself. As long as you don't do something harmful or illegal, no one need be the wiser.

I say stop feeling guilty right now. You own your thoughts. They don't own you.

I wish you peace and applaud you for speaking truths.

If you are at the point qishing someone dead then maybe youre at the point you want your role to end... so end it. Walk away. Hold your head up high and know u deserve YOUR life.... she had hers. You have yours.

Not at all. So very tired of hearing all about how important her things are.

No, it’s not wrong. The last time I saw my dad I came home & prayed for God to take him because he was suffering so much & there was no chance of him getting any better. I was just happy for the last few months of his life that I got the time to spend with him.

I understand your thoughts on your mother's situation. I have a similar one living with us, our home has been taken over by her,we stay in the back room as it is hard to spend time with her. Depressed(on antidepressant), recent fx pelvis and hip. Has her pitty partys, complains about everything, nothing is ever her fault. Does not want to try meeting others at senior center to enhance her life. Always negative! She is 93 and miserable. But she has always like feeling the victim. Makes us feel down and drained with her. It's a strange feeling thinking someone and others would be "better off" when they die. It's normal but not spoken of. We have tried different tactics for mood, talk about fun times,(none), show amusing things on utube, cut off theanipulation and victim by ignoring and not feeding into it. Very little results seen, but we keep at it for our sanity

Your thoughts are yours and yours alone. We have these wonderful brains which can imagine all sorts of scenarios, both good and bad. You go ahead and imagine any scenario you like. No one will be the wiser. You do not need to feel guilty for having thoughts. In fact, live it up and make those scenarios as crazy as possible, and then come back to reality. Take a little trip to "how I wish it was", and then return to your life.

The only exception to this is when someone ACTS upon their thoughts. When someone can't differentiate between what is real and what is not, then you have delusions and possible psychosis, and all bets are off. As long as you are not acting upon your thoughts in order to harm someone, you're good.

Heck no. HELL no, it is not “wrong.” When life has been reduced to some pitiful clinging existence, dependent upon all kinds of mechanical contrivances, then time to let go! The medical community will want you to prop ‘em up, plug ‘em in, feed ‘em by tube...at exorbitant expense, and little, if any, quality of life. Out, out, brief candle.

No not at all. Unless your wishing she died, out of anger,spite or being annoyed by her negativity. Your feelings are valid and if she is that miserable physically mentally
and in pain, it would be a blessing for her to go peacefull.

Right or wrong BelleFleur...I ask God to take a patient I lived in with the past 2 yrs! Shes been in a nursing home the past 5 weeks in her last stage of dementia and has cried day and night to die for the past 6 months! She was on roller skates 4 yrs ago at age 92 and today at age 96 this sick, discussting, brain eating disease has left her totally helpless and hopeless!!!! Its the worst way to live that Ive seen and I will never understand this hell of a way to suffer!! Id rather be dead than have this disease!!!!

My wife, just like your mother, had an enormous amount of physical and mental illnesses that kept piling on. Toward the end when she found it difficult to speak, she would say to me, " please, please, please ", a thousand time over, every single day. I knew what she was asking for and I continued to ask God to end her suffering. I don't think it's wrong to wish this for a person that is so critically ill and shows no promise of improving. You're not comfortable hoping your mothers life will end, but you have to make a choice between having things stay the way they are or wish for her end. When her time comes I know you will feel no guilt, you'll be okay.

No, not at all, and there are so many reasons why, I could write a book instead of a response.

Totally get it. I’m in a similar situation and wonder if I’m going to loose my mind sometimes. I’ve lost any semblance of myself and my own needs. In Europe the elderly people can go to a care facility which is paid for by the government! Why in in hell do we not have the same systèm? What does an elderly person do who has no loved one caring for them? What would your mother do if you were not able to care for her? I often wonder about this? It seems so unfair.

My mother in laws personality became worse as she got older like your mother. I despised my mother in law because she was mean and never had a kind word for me.
My husband would never stick up for me in all the years his mother and step father would verbally abuse me. He would always insist that I was wrong and that she never said anything about me and I hated him for that.
I like to think of myself as a tough woman but it ended up destroying a lot of my self worth after 50 years of it.
If I had to deal with her like you are with your mother then I am sure I would wish she would die. It is the only way your suffering will be over.
I am sorry you have to endure her. Pattylou

To the point of where a parent is continually miserable, whinging and a general narcissist, making all around them just as miserable, no I don't think that you're wrong to wish them dead. I have been lately wishing my father to die because he has caused such unhappiness amongst my siblings and me. My husband is seriously fed up and he is by nature, an extremely caring and understanding man. I know a lot of people here may be upset by my thoughts but I can't feel.bad anymore.

Im so glad you said that: you want her to have some peace. I said that and everyone jumped on me!

My mother is a 91 rotten to the bone woman. I have a childhood that no one would want a re-do on. I walked away a few months back and at one point I made the comment about wishing that she may find some peace in passing and people went NUTZ thinking that I would even think of her having peace! I still feel that way, even thou there is no love, no emotional attachment, nothing...but as a living breather person I would rather peace over anything, this world or the next.
I think its because my slate is clean, Im not who she labeled me as. Im not "just a blood clot that learned to walk and talk" as she says when she refer to me- her only child.
Thru having her as a mother, I will not wait to sit and rot. In my legal papers, I have already printed and dated a DNR form should something suddenly occur. Once I get a dx thats terminal or figure out for myself that the good days are really and truly gone, there will be away to leave here with dignity. I will find peace for me.