Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I think it's very normal to feel that way. Most of the people on this site can probably relate. My mother has Alzheimer's and I cared for my father before her. I used to wish he would die and now I wish she would. When you are exposed to so much suffering, it's normal to wish it would end. Death is the only end to these situations often. Someone else commented that they are feelings, not things you act on. I think that's a great way of thinking about it.

I completely understand. I feel the same way about my MIL. Her health is not as bad but her mental issues is whats causing so much discord. She caught COVID because she thought it was a hoax so she not only put her life in danger, but my family as well. NOW, we have to take time out of our life to make sure she is ok when this could of been prevented. I feel like we care more about her than she does. I am just tired of her. She is a burden to us all.

I have been in a not so good marriage 42 years.He always had a bad temper. I was almost
always afraid of him. Now he has Alzheimer’s. He has not abused me now for a couple years. Not sure if it is because his energy level has decreased or that he realizes I’m all he has and needs me to take care of him. I resent this. My life has now changed. I am miserable and don’t want to live. All I see in my future is dealing with the worsening symptoms. All he does is sit in front of tv all day and seems happy to do that. I do everything. I really am struggling with hateful feelings towards him. For the way he has treated me and blame myself for the choices I made. Don’t know how I can go on. Ty for reading this. I know it could be worse. God Bless all out there. It is so hard.

I recently became caregiver for my mother who has alzheimer's after my father suddenly passed away in July. I've always been close to my mom, yet our relationship was also volatile at times because she could be emotionally/mentally abusive at times growing up. But, she was also my best friend too. We had a strange relationship. Taking care of her is very challenging. I suffer from health issues myself including depression and OCD. I am at the end of my rope and have lost all hope for any future and do hope she dies at times. But, I think that even if my mom passed, I wouldn't be free because of the guilt I'd feel for my thoughts and even how I've treated her. Know that you are not alone in your feelings. I am a Christian, but am now struggling tremendously with my faith. I feel overwhelmed, alone, and feel like when I pray things only get worse. Hugs to all of you on this journey.

I totally sympathise with you and understand you 💯 per cent my mother is the same I stopped asking how are you as all you get is doom and gloom and how she doesn’t want to be here anymore it depresses the life out of you for my sanity I have cut down the visits as I feel that she is making me hate her she is rude and horrible and I feel there is no point in her living she is 82 and I dread to think she might live another 10 years or so 🥴 you are not alone there must be millions of us out there x

You MUST let the social worker at the hospital know SHE CAN NOT go back to living with you and ask what are the other choices for her care? They will ask you if you have Medicare and Medicaid, because those would take care of the rent for the assisted living or whatever. They give $50 to the person and the rest is for rent. Tell them in NO WAY is she going to come home with you. You don't have to have her dead to get rid of her. You just have to be pro active in getting her a proper placement.

Oh, just so you know, I have the same feelings about my mom. I feel horrible by having these feelings and I want to stop but I want her to have peace. She has vascular dementia, a wound on her foot that wont heal. ( No she is not diabetic)I've posted before how she refuses to go to assisted living and am told that demented minds shouldn't be making the decisions, which I totally agree with BUT, even with POA over my mom and dad ( he has lost his memory rapidly over the past few months) I cannot force them to go against their wishes. My mom can hardly walk anymore. Totally incontinent with #1 and 2. Demands EVERYTHING be done for her, even though she sees that your in the middle of something else for her. Won't stop saying it until you do it. She has wound care 3x a week and PT twice a week. Finally agreed to a caregiver during the week and I come Friday-Mon sleeping on a blow up mattress. My caretaking has taken up my life and I swear my face has aged 10 years. Even when I'm not with them, I'm constantly on the phone with the caregiver ( I counted 13 times before noon), ordering things for them. Taking calls from PT and wound care. So I'm not really off when I'm off. I am way, way past being overwhelmed and depressed over the situation. And yes, as she can't do anything herself, I and she wishes she could just die. I want her to free of her broken body and flying high!!! I feel guilty now and know that I'll feel even worse once she does pass and I know that I was wishing it. She is 86 and her mom lived to 93. I've been reading the answers hoping for a way to get over these feelings but haven't really seen one.
Also I too have a sister that lives 10 minutes away and NEVER helps at all!! And she is an RN!! I live an hour away and am here every weekend. I dread it, it's also a constant fight over the thermostat. We live in FL and they are happy with it being 80 to 83 in the house and per mom, can't turn on any ceiling fans. Needless to say when my dad turns it off, I go right behind him and turn it back on. I guess I should have made my own post about it because I'm definitely venting on my response to yours. I could go on and on but I won't. Please just know that you are not alone in your feelings and my heart definitely goes out to you!!!

Today after mum (99) in her own house, being so bad last week and on Friday thinking had Cold Sepsis with all the signs were pointing that way....she is now awake again and trying to get out of bed! The doc's always give antibiotics at any age and signs of any infection..why try when she is that age, has a DNR in place and has been wanting to go home to dad and peace for at least past 5 years?! I have to be honest and say again how we as a family feel on this rollercoaster. If mum had a good quality of life, no worsening dementia then yes that would be so lovely..reality is totally different! The District Nurses/Docs never come to visit when she has been so ill and should have been on the Continuing Health Care NHS Fast tracking at least 2 years ago..but no...they only see her when antibiotics have 'worked' and say she is now back to ok???!! A broken system with no common sense..no time to really see people like mum who are so weary but for some reason not 'letting go' the whole health& social care system needs scraping and some fresh lateral thinking come into play..before all of us reach that stage..God forbid.!! I know am not alone thinking all above. Its all so very sad and stressful for families watching and although fighting as we do for our loved ones, the system can't/won't help them.

I think your feelings are yours without regard to the "rightness or wrongness" of them. I am not a therapist but I don't think you should get hung up in is it right to wish the end for her. If you can try to be as gracious as possible and not be turned into an angry human being as well, then your life might be a bit easier. Consider a home health care worker if that is within your budget. Sometimes writing in my journal helps when I'm having struggles or taking a walk outdoors, doing whatever feels peaceful. Best to you!

My opinion would be no. Because I'm in the same boat my mother is the same way. Never satisfied things are always depressing, I do my best but ask the Lord to take her out of the pain, she is in a prison in her mind. Dementia, diabetes, and osteoporosis. Good luck& hang in there. Margaret

Ask the hospital to put her into hospice and tell them she will have NO ONE to take care of her when she gets out of the hospital. They are required to release her into a safe environment and if it is not you, it will have to be assisted living or a convalescent home of some sort.

Your thoughts are probably normal under the circumstances. I hear your anger. My circumstances are a bit different.. My soon to be 88 yr old mom was a great mom but I hear me thinking “when will this end?”. Only 3 years of this and I am worn out from the never ending neediness, constant complaints and non stop medical concerns which may be unfounded. It feels like I have another child to take of and I am too old for kids! I am 70. This could go on another 10 years. My retirement is over. This is an unpaid part time job. I love my mom dearly but she is not really enjoying a great life nor am I………...Good luck!

I totally can relate to your feelings...there is only so much you can physically and emotionally bear, and should have to bear ,due to mother not creating a life for herself indepedendent of her expecting for you to give up yours. Unlike you, my mother was never a loving mother, and at 91, she is a volcano of bitternness, jealousy, anger and hatred..all directed foward me..I am happily remarried and have a close relationship with my husband, brother children and grandchildren , even though they live out of state . She made my wonderful handicapped late fathers life a living hell, and I am happy that he is at peace for 9 years now. I pick up her groceries and take her to dr appts but consider her an unpaid client that I have to deal with and limit my interactions to those business matters. I again today got a diatribe about being selfish that I am taking a rare vacation with my husband. She complained that she and my dad took my brother and I on trips when we were little, and when I reminded her thats what families and parents do, she then she accused me of being a bad mother. Deflect and never take responsibility is her mantra . I left an abusive marriage and worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to put my sons through college and was a single mom for 19 years..and she told me I was a loser and " stupid" to get married again...she hates my husband and once told me that she "knows" I am unhappy with him.That is actually her wish that my marriage would fail, and I would be alone like her and more at her beck and call. ... I have no feelings of love or compassion toward her, and pray that this nightmare will not outlast my own life, as I have a lot of health problems and surgeries. This is not dementia...I have had her surrepticiously tested by her Dr who is familiar with her narcissism and has tried to intervene on my behalf ..but she knows how to turn on the charm and lie to his face. She has never been called on her abusive behavior and hates me for doing so...like a spoiled brat 2 year old. My brother lives over 100 miles away and has gone pretty much no contact because of her verbal abuse and manipulation. Hang in there..Its a heavy burden way too many of us have...Sending a hug..

This question was asked in 2012. Long time ago. I wish BelleFleur would update us on how things went, because these feelings are so common.

After reading all these answers, I am left wondering why wish anyone dead? Some of you say the mother or father has been a mean person all their life, if so why wish them dead? If you believe in an afterlife, do you think a mean person will go to a " heaven"? I know most of the Christian beliefs think such a person would spend eternity in "hell". No matter if that person due to dementia became unpleasant to live with, do you really want to wish death on anyone? Myself, being in constant pain and not much joy in living do not want to die, as what is after death? Could be an eternity much worse than this life. Just my opinion. To me cherish each day you have no matter what pain I am in I prefer life over death.

Caregiving a miserable invalid who hates you and life is horrible. But if that person is alive, it's for a crucial reason. Either that person or the ones caring for them have lessons to be learned or suffering to go through in atonenent for things we've done in life. This is what I have learned fron wiser people than me. It didn't make me feel any better, and if I was supposed to learn patience or kindness I didn't do very well with my mother, but I still believe that these horrific situations are some of the greatest opportunitues we human beings have to .... be human. To be far, far beyond what animals are. What is God giving me the opportunity to do here? What opportunities is God giving my faltering mother (father, husband, wife)? Believe me, I know it's noble to say it and almost impossible to apply it, but it's still true. I was my mom's 24/7 caregiver through 7 years of blindness and total incapacity. Like I said, I failed at most every turn if God wanted me to be more caring, loving and patient. But maybe my soul is just a little better off for those endless days of at least being there for her. And maybe Mom's suffering and the humility she learned-- just a little of --helped hers too.

Ugh, I totally understand how you feel (particularly tonight since I've had a bad night with my mom who is 'recovering' from a stroke and who I suspect might have dementia and called me horrible things tonight). Anyways, I have also wished that my mom was dead. I know that it's like the ultimate taboo and that the thought brings up instant guilt, but I've felt it so many times in the past month that I've analyzed why I feel this way and what I really mean by it. At least for me, I don't actually wish that my mom was dead. I wish that the problem was dead. I wish that the grief and guilt and selfishness on her part and the uncooperative and sometimes abusive attitudes she has were dead. I wish that the burden it has placed on my life were dead. To me it's just like saying "I don't hate her, I hate the disease that has made her this way." I don't feel guilty about any of these thoughts or feelings anymore, no matter how dark they are. It's important to explore the light and dark because otherwise they remain mysteries that we have to work harder to understand.
I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling, and if anyone says otherwise than they're either a pious prick or they've never been a caregiver. Or both. It's totally normal to not want to have to deal with negativity all the time. It's totally normal to not want to feel weighed down by someone who doesn't appreciate the effort we put in anyways. It's totally normal to want a happy life and to want the thing standing in the way of that to go away. Was she like this when you were young? If she's always been this way then honestly I don't think you owe her anything, and a full-time nursing or hospice home might be the best thing for her. Let her see that you won't put up with her negative attitude.
If that isn't an option, which I understand because it isn't an option for me, then set some limits if you can. My mom is incredibly resistant and negative too, but what works for me is telling her that if she continues this behavior I'll walk away or if she won't take her meds then I'll have to have her go to an assisted living facility where they can take better care of her. It sounds like emotional terrorism, but honestly sometimes a mild threat (even one you have no intention of actually carrying out) can do the trick and let them know that you mean business.
It is not your responsibility to put up with the ugliness that someone else wants to spread out into the world. I wish the absolute best for you and I hope it at least helps to know that you are not alone, nor are you a bad person for having these thoughts. God bless.

No I dont think it's wrong. I feel the same. My mum is in care home desperately unhappy. Skin the same as you describe. Copd. Dementia and an aneurysm on her brain. She is so unhappy and cant understand what's going on. For me, only daughter its hell, everything is down to me. I'm tired and even my tired bits are tired !! My mum has given up. She barely eats. Is so thin I told her I was going to use her as a Halloween decoration. Walking wind chime my son calls her. Its horrific condition and breaks my heart every time I visit often leaving me in tears. So no i get that you wish them peace. I do my mum too. I prayed the anurisum got her before dementia, sadly that did not happen. It's not wrong, it's your love and kindness for your mother. Why would anyone want to see them suffer.

I know what you mean about the negative attitude. When I didn't live with my mother, I would dread getting on the phone because she would just endlessly complain about things that aren't really a big deal. She always seemed in a downer mood though she swears she doesn't have any issues with depresson. I realize she most likely has repressed trauma of her own that she never dealt with. My grandmother had severe personality disorder issues and was never nice to anyone.

I don't think I will be free emotionally to just relax and not feel bad and affected by my mother's unhappiness and negativity (which often is unloaded at me) until she's gone as well. That's just a plain fact that I realized a long time ago. The other action would have been to never speak to her again, but she's not always like this and I love her anyway and have family loyalty.

I'm living with bipolar disorder, ptsd, and Fibromyalgia, myself, so some days it's super hard for me to take on any extra stress.

Just want you to know that I empathize and it sounds like your mother has a lot of health issues. At some point, she has to go and I understand how you feel. It's hard to deal with a negative person all the time who seems intent on bringing everyone else down around them. It's like being held in a prison of someone else's mind - just even having to be exposed to constant negativity.

Also, every elder who has someone to look out for them is very lucky. I don't believe there will be anyone looking out for me that is family if I live that long - single, no kids, no close relatives.

Personally, I think it is only human. My Mom is a sweetheart but is still grieving my Dad who passed last May, suffers chronic UTI issues, dementia, depression and little quality of life. I fight these thoughts and feel terrible for having them but I just want her and MY suffering to end.

This is very difficult to talk about. I can't talk for others, or think about what other people should do, because it is too complex. I have gone to a lawyer and have a strict living will, no medical interventions unless I can choose them for myself. If I cannot choose, then there will be no medical intervention. This has given me great peace of mind, and also I am able to not worry about my children who would be faced with this enormous and complex medical system, let alone the burden and struggle of caring for me. They have a right to live their lives.

I think it is normal to have your feelings especially when the person has so many medical problems and is a miserable person. You don’t say how old she is but I think medicine keeps people alive too long now and I’m not talking about fairly healthy ones.

I called my MIL's doctor 3 weeks ago to see if he would put her on Hospice. The nurse said "Dementia" was enough to put her on it, but she did have other issues. Hospice was out that day and I am so thankful I ask because she is going downhill.

You're not alone, I'm dealing with a similar problem with my dad. He's just a miserable person and refuses to do anything to help himself. And its not that he's not capable but because he has COPD it take a little more effort but even that is too much for him. And there are times I wonder if he would be better off if he just passed on and joined my mom in heaven.

You seem to be burnt out from looking after your mother. Perhaps she should move to a group care facility to relieve the burden on you. Sick people tend to become extremely dependent on care-givers. Relatives are poor care-givers because they lack the training and are too involved emotionally with the patients. It's better to leave them in the hands of professionals.

If someone is making another person's life a miserable, infernal Hell and that poor soul also has to be the dementor's caregiver, how could they not want that person to die.
There is no human being on this earth who has unlimited patience and compassion. At some point the well runs dry and there's none left. Especially if the caregiver has an abusive history with the needy, elderly person or persons they are caregivers too.
Even when there isn't a history of abuse, the elderly narcissism, complaining, morbidity, negativity, instigating, gaslighting, and last but not least the attitude of entitlement that elderly people often have in expecting others to cater to their every whim and demand simply because they are old.
No one can put up with this indefinitely no matter how patient, loving and compassionate they are. At some point they start to resent the elderly person they are a slave to. They can't change one more diaper. They can't scrub one more urine or sh*t stain off the carpeting or furniture. They can't spend one more second in the filthy, stinking, hoarded house. It's made ten times worse when the elder appreciates nothing and believes their caregiver really doesn't do all that much for them.
At some point, everyone wishes them dead because it means their slavery ends.
No one should ever feel guilty for thinking it because we all do.

I’m so grateful for this thread & the fact that it is many pages long! I often wish this for my mother and freedom from this grinding situation for myself. Then I feel guilty and sad because once mom goes there’s no immediate family left barring one sibling who has been completely MIA barring asking for money. Mom does not want to be so incapacitated but is also a lively type so wishing her suffering to be over is also likely not her own wishes. In any case these are just thoughts not actions, but it’s a horrible merry-go-round.

Thanks to everyone here for ‘getting it’! It helps at least to know a bunch of us feel the same

Not in the sense of hoping that they pass away, because of severe pain or severe illness. As that is different. That means that you want the person out of any pain and suffering. It would be wrong to hope that anyone dies in the latter sense. As in, someone who is just getting on your nerves. I used to have a fiance who had cancer. I wasn't wishing that he would die. It was just that I knew that he could die at any moment. Given how fragile the cancer was getting. It was a constant question of would he die today? Or tonight? Or tomorrow? I didn't even really like having to ask myself this same question every day, but when you're fiance has cancer, it becomes a completely separate world from everyday society. And you feel cut off from the world. Sorry for rambling on. I went a bit off track there. 😊

Usually right or wrong is determined by the amount of flack you get after doing something. I think that hoping that somebody dies is wrong if you say it in public. If you keep it to yourself is alright. I'm sure that many caregivers do that anyway, There is no reason for making those people feel bad for having a thought that is logical and practical.

My mother lives with me, my husband and young adult children. She has Alzheimer’s and she is 76. She is not a “mean” woman…. but she is extremely opinionated and tries to come across being nice and sweet to everyone yet always has to throw a dig into every conversation. She is selfish, crude at times and has a lack of respect for my home and the rules of my home (which are not many for her considering she does not cook or clean). The only thing she really does for herself is buy cigarettes so she can smoke two packs a day. She also has COPD and numerous other ailments. I am her healthcare proxy and I do a good job getting her excellent doctors and care.

However, with her memory declining she has made life at times miserable for everyone in my home. She puts a strain on my marriage even though my husband is a very patient and kind man. I don’t wish for my mother to die, but there are times that I fantasize when she isn’t here that I have the house to myself again. I think about all the positives of her not being here constantly. I think for me it’s a resentment that is deep and it’s difficult for me sometimes to remember the person that she used to be. I have felt the same way as you and guilty that I think those negative thoughts…. but I have read that it’s natural for caregivers to get burned out and to be resentful and to start thinking about what it would be like when that person is no longer here.