Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

No it's not a horrible thought. It's the wisp, or shot, of steam from your valve.

Everyday you are experiencing an unrelenting inescapable drip, drip, drip, of mental torture and despair.

No human being except for those in a savage prison camp constantly experiences no happiness or stays at an intestine-twisting-job 24/7 without let up. Who do you know that wakes up already at their job, goes to bed at their job, spends weekends at their job, no vacation from their job, no holidays from their job, no new years or birthday celebrations, always at their job, year after year after year. People complained about the isolation of Covid, give me/us an ef-fin break. What Covid?

I wish it would end one way or another and yet I do the right thing and he looks great. He has great blood pressure and heart, no diabetes or arthritis, no asthma, no torn rotator cuff (and retorn as I have), nothing. He's a great physical specimen, except for his mind, at a great cost. I have greatly changed over the last 15 years.

In the beginning of this journey I'd look up and plead - please let me live just one day longer than him 'cause no one would make sure he gets pedicures, or will make sure he doesn't have a rash in his butt from not wiping or washing properly, or makes sure he's as well fed, and that his ear, nose hair and beard is handsomely trimmed, and he brushes his teeth after every meal.

He doesn't appreciate anything. Like your mother to him everything out of his mouth is negative, everything is stupid or a waste of time or doesn't have any value and it goes on and on and on. He use to have the greatest laugh and a kind heart. He recently began calling me names that have made my eye brows hit my hairline. As an aside, I have to admit, that new change was so startling it had me giggling at first at the outrageousness of it. Until the second time. But my G-d a change from the incessant repetition was almost a splash of cold water. Man, that's not good.

He can't help it. It's not his fault.

I've been taking care of someone I haven't like for over a decade. I dislike my life. It's been a long time since I've stopped taking care of him because of him, but instead because of who I am. So noble right? No, I'm trying to hold on to being a human being for me. But this freaky reminent of the old me is being eaten away by this worse than Ebola Ground Hogs Day of a nightmare. I keep saying one way or another it's not forever.

Back to your question, no it's not wrong to hope someone dies. It's only normal to want to escape your prison. Daydreaming about a peaceful and happy life is healthy.

Pissssh. That was the sound of steam coming from the top of my head. Thank you for letting me release some from my valve.

Is their anyone else who can take care of her? If she's to the point of not being able to care for herself, maybe it's time for her to go to a facility that has the ability to take care of her! My mom is a narcissist also and she darn near sucked the life out of myself and my husband! Just in case nobody has told you lately, you sound like you are doing a great job in a horrible situation! Perhaps she's acting like she is because she hurts and/or she's getting the response from you that she wants! I don't know, but my heart goes out to you and your family!

My mom was mean as a pole cat when I cared for her she would cuss me out refused to eat etc.but since her passing away last year I realized I would give anything in this world to have her back cursing me out, I know it's a big responsibility but so were we when we were brought in this world by the same parents who put up with US!!

I don't think it is wrong to hope for the peace that will come to a sick, old, miserable person when they finally die. It is part of the circle of life. It is ok to look forward to the peace that will come for the caregiver too. And the freedom. And maybe the lightness of spirit. I know my mother will finally find peace when she passes on. It will be a relief for all the family. She is and has been an angry, anxious unsatisfied woman. I have prayed for her only because she has no belief in the spirit and will never pray for herself. I hope she crosses into the light. She was told last year she had 4 to 6 months to live but here we are at 8 months and shes still around getting weaker, sicker and demented and refusing help. No its not wrong to hope for an end to suffering.

I can totally understand why you would want her to be 'dead' because only then would you be free of all her negative input into your life.

Please find out about services which can help you by providing care for her and some very much needed 'freedom' for you.

Start now because you deserve to have your own life as she has had. You have an obligation to look after yourself it seems to me that you have tried hard with her but enough is enough. I wish you well.

My mother definitely is your mother's twin! A miserable, hateful person who is relentless in her pursuit to make my life a living hail!

I haven't spoken to her in 11years, to me, she is dead, that one forever step has set me free of her hold. I have gone no contact with her several times before, one time for 9 years, but I kept taking her back, she was my mother, after all, BIG mistake, the torture continued, now that I have designated her as dead I cannot go back.

Yes, she is still alive at age 97, two years ago my brother & I got her placed in AL, she had fought us tooth and nail before she had a slight stroke and she thought she was going to die.

My brother brought her to Florida, I found her a place, ran back n'forth between NC & Fl, cleaned out her house, had it repaired and sold it, never speaking to her. My brother does the leg work now, I will help him as needed behind the scenes. I do it to support him, not her.

I am at peace not having anything to do with her, I am finally free!

Believe me, I get it!

I don't think it's necessarily bad to wish someone gone. Much depends on whether there is any chance of a full recovery for that person and how much they and everyone else are suffering.

The first time I wished for someone to pass quickly was in the case of my granddad, who was terminally ill. My mom moved in with him and my grandmother, as 24 hour caretaker, temporarily to fulfill their wish that he die at home. During that time, my dad and I received phone calls from my mom every damn night complaining about granddad's suffering and the ill use/abuse mom was enduring from insensitive family members. When you have to listen to the ongoing saga of someone dying inch by inch every day, you do learn to hope for a swift release for all concerned.

All the best to you and your mom.

She probably also wants to die. See about Hospice and don't let the hospital release her to you.

It is NOT wrong to wish someone would die sooner rather than later and it is also not wrong for her to WANT to die and do what she wants to expedite the happening.

Maybe it is wrong. Idk, I know I sound hard hearted, but it is a very human emotion to wish an aged parent to die, whether they are in your home under your care, like mine, who is 86, or in assisted living. Especially if they have dementia and displaying behaviour causing the caregiver mental anguish. This can be more of a strain if they are difficult, nasty and not suffering from dementia and in general good health, then the chances of them dying any time soon are pretty remote. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, My God. How much longer?, when his behaviour has been an issue in our house. I’ve learnt the hard way not to tell my siblings any of the things that have happened here. They just don’t want to know or justify his behaviour. Mind you, they haven’t lifted a finger to do anything for my father or us towards his care.
So no, I don’t think it’s bad in some cases to wish an aged person/ dead.

I don't think so; it feels wrong, but it's very normal. My grandma-in-law's life consists of sleeping, eating, and watching TV. Every day, she grows weaker and weaker. I often pray that she'll go peacefully in her sleep, so she can be with her two sons who preceded her in death.

These thoughts about wishing that those people who have miserable lives die, are the result of the widespread belief that only God should decide when one dies. Meantime, the medical establishment keeps people existing even when life is meaningless. Of course, doctors are only going along with the wishes of society, which are based primarily in religious dogma. Nursing homes are full of pathetic human beings that the only life they have is a heart beats and breathing. Yet, many self-appointed experts in this forum, applaud those inhumane existences and encourage it. They blast anyone who gives realistic and logical opinions. They call them "cruel" and "heartless". The truth is that many caregivers who realize the futility of their efforts, secretly wish that those people with miserable existences should rather be dead. Of course, this brings a lot of undeserved guilt to them.

I would agree with TChamp this time. I realize his/ her views are extreme, but, lately my girlfriend’s mother dying process made me think a little different. She was 88, cancer which until March was under control. Then in one month it all changed, she was in pain that no human should experience ever! Good (or bad) Canada has euthanasia, once in hospital and morphine and anything else does not work patient and only patient, never anybody with POA or caregiver, or family member who can benefit in any way, only 2 independent doctors and patient can decide.
Her daughter was wishing and prying for Mom to die, she expected to live days maybe week or two. Shocking, yes, but dying with dignity is gaining popularity.

I've been looking for some answer to be able to just go when I want to (although I'm still healthy now), and checked with the Hemlock Society. But they no longer have a website up because America won't allow it. However a good friend of mine whose cancer could not be healed after endless chemotherapy and radiology simply expressed to his doctor in front of his wife that he no longer wished to live and asked the doctor how that could be accomplished… This was in Cedars of Sinai in Beverly Hills… And the doctor suggested he not eat or drink and after four or five days and he will be gone. And yes, whenever food or drink would arrive he would send it back. It took him a week to die but he was grateful and so was his wife who loved him very much. I think that's what I'm gonna do.

PS. There are also a few helpful books, namely:
Let me Die Before I Wake: Hemlocks Book of Self Deliverance for the Dying.
by Derek Humphry

I'm always amazed that families don't have thoughtful, loving conversations about their end of life. If I were in that state, I would gather my dearest friends and family and share my thoughts, my desires for all my "stuff", where my darling pooches need to go, and let them know how much I treasure each of them.

I remember when my mother was in her last few days, I came up with a thought that we should call our friends and relatives in Germany (we were all born in East Germany and immigrated to the US) and so I dialed the number and when the person answered that she wanted to talk to, I identified myself saying "I'm at the deathbed of "Mutti" and she would like to say goodbye to you." It was a wonderful experience and my mother was so happy and they were so happy to be able to have express their love for her before she went. My mother, being the delightful human that she was, when I suggested we call a certain friend, she said "oh, call her when I'm gone". And we had a good jolly laugh over that because that friend was not one of her favorites.

I think that not acknowledging one's impending death is such a ridiculousness of denial.

You are not "wrong" to hope she dies (soon). If she's in the hospital and refuses to get out of bed or exercise, they will soon be looking for a way to move her somewhere. They've been trying to get her back on her feet (literally and figuratively). But their efforts are wasted on her if she will not co-operate. And you know very well how they feel.

If she is determined to "go downhill" see if she can be admitted to a nursing home or someplace. She won't do any better in
Independent living and probably not in "assisted living" either.

Sounds like she's determined to give up or force someone to help her at everything! You are not likely to change her attitude. You might try telling her something like, "Its up to you, Mom. People are not going to want to help you if you aren't trying to help yourself." No need to argue. Those are the facts.

No. You are allowed to have your feelings. She has created a situation in which you wish she were out of your life. How sad for her. But not for you. Please relax and accept that you wish to be free of her. You aren't wishing her death; you're wishing your liberty.

My mom is also a narcissist and she has diabetes. She wants me to take care of her forever. She is perhaps one of the nastiest people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my life. My dad lost patience and left when I was 12. He is very emotionally distant, and will not help with my situation. I want to hire her a nurse or put her in a care home, but I worry local hospitals and treatment centers won't even recognize I am being abused. I know most people I have told simply enable the behavior.

I hope you do find peace, it is very difficult in this situation because these people don't change. Any way you look at it, its going to be a hopeless, no win situation until you get out.

It isn't that you want her gone somehow - you want to remove yourself from her. Wherever she is - here or there - you need to remove yourself by allowing yourself to do that. Your 'wish' is unresolved anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion, and much more - and having had more than enough. If you do not do the inner work on yourself, whether she is physically gone or not, she will be there inside you/r head and being. This is what you need to let go of - no matter where she is.

You need to dis-associate yourself from your mother.
Get into therapy / counseling.
You must allow yourself to separate from your mother so you can sort out and process how you feel. Right now, you are too intertwined, emotionally and psychologically. Perhaps like cement. It is time to take that hammer and crack the cement into pieces, get the broom and sweep it all away ... perhaps not a good analogy... in other words, learn to release and let go and move on.

This is not easy. It is absolutely necessary for you if you want to learn who you are and enjoy meeting yourself.

Mine are just purely selfish reasons. I want my life back. Enough said.

I totally understand this.

My narcissistic mother is miserable and makes everyone else's life miserable too. Her recent confabulations were mind blowing. She was nice to my face but bad mouthed me an hour later. She does this to everyone.

To me, she died the day she got the formal diagnosis. We never had a loving relationship and never will.

I call dementia a living death. The body keeps going when the mind is gone. Except in the narcissists case, they become meaner and nastier.

So no, I don't think you are wrong.

Parenting parents gets harder over the years😊. They ( our parents) had the advantage as we were sponges.. ready and willing to soak up all they had to give. The reverse role of caring for an adult.. who is set in their ways and then some… whew!

Set boundaries my friend, find your peace and make friends with it( we know when our peace is disturbed) and when that happens set more boundaries, and remember there are many ways to to assure mom has adequate care without you having to assume the role.

Personally, as a daughter I feel as long as I assure she has care/ assistance then I’ve done my job ( much like when they found baby sitters for us lol). Be creative as possible in doing so ( hire, barter, negotiate, etc… well as far as your means can stretch! And if all else fails maybe it’s time for NH or assisted living..
Happy to hear you husband is progressing 😊
Wishing you the best outcome😊

You are never wrong for the way you feel. My mom is not doing well and needs 24/7 care and is getting worse by the month. She’ll decline, stabilizes for a few weeks, then declines some more. She has to be miserable and if she were my cat, I would euthanize her so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. But, I can’t do that, so My sister and I, as well as the nursing staff at her home, do the best we can to lift her spirits and make her as comfortable as possible. You can’t help but feel for them.

Many of us have been there. Your feelings are normal. Don't worry about these feelings.

You are exhausted. You have nothing left in your tank, but more is expected, yes demanded, of you. You are struggling to survive. You just want it over.

Your question is "Is it wrong?" Well, maybe it is wrong, but if it is, many of us on this message board have been wrong.

If your conscience still bothers you, get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.

Belle, you aren't alone. I am in the same boat and completely understand how you feel. My father is going through almost the exact same thing. He has been in and out of the hospital over 40 times since 2018 and had a stroke in 2015. He hasn't walked for years and forbids to do any type of physical therapy, anymore. He is in a long term nursing home now and I don't even want to go visit him anymore because it is so emotionally draining and frankly, a waste of time because nothing good comes out of it. Both my mom and my brother died young and I am the only one in the family who is handling things. I have felt so much turmoil having to give up a part of my life to have to travel to him (I live and work over an hour away) to visit and do his laundry and have meetings with the nursing staff. I try to stay positive in front of everyone else but it is a problem for me because my father was never really been there for me when I really needed someone. At times, I hate him for being narcassistic, stupid and ignorant.

In any case, I am sorry I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer my support and let you know that you aren't alone. The way you are feeling is completely normal. I went through the "bereavement" process many times over, since my dad began to go downhill. That was painful...and to have to go through it over and over again every time I go to visit, has literally taken a tool on my health and attitude. I just can't do it anymore!! Thank god he is in a place that can safely take care of him. Now, I am just waiting for him to pass so I can go on with my life.

I have 94 year old parents that I’m
helping to care for. I will miss the parents I loved who are long gone from these bodies. I will grieve these people as they were. What is left now are the empty shells of two people who are miserable because they have no quality of life and every day for them is a monumental task to just get through it. My sisters and I took good care of them for the past ten years but now they are both declining rapidly. So what I finally wish for as a loving daughter is for them both to have good deaths and to finally be free from suffering. I have no guilt expressing this.

Hello Fellow travelers-
I am so happy to have found this forum. I found myself becoming more so frustrated reading other forums where adult children were admonishing anyone who would even consider for a NY second placing their "loved one" in a facility of any kind. In none of the posts I read where any peeps didn't have a parent living with them as such.

Well, well- aren't they lucky to have had a supportive mother and or dad all their lives to love them, build them up, be their rock et al. What they seemingly can not reconcile is that there are many who didn't and therefore do not have the same feelings about said parent and where they go when they have always been Narcs and by DSM 5 definition and NOW have dementia. Afterall, your mother brought you into this world....(maybe I should be sending her a Thank you card and flowers?) Yep she did, but mentally and emotionally abused me and sent my very loving and supportive Dad to an early grave at 65 (25 years ago)

She is now 87 years old and has dementia. I have been estranged from her most of my adult life. The two friends she had left, dumped her 20 years ago because they told her that everything was always about HER. That they wanted joy and laughter in their lives, not her complaining and bad mouthing her kids and other friend.

Fortunately she has enough money to move in to a high end facility, but it won't be good enough for her. She doesn't want to be around old people in wheelchairs, walkers or needing other devices. She also isn't interested in being around those with dementia because she doesn't have it. That said, she has a private caregiver 10 hours a day to cook for her because she can't safely use the stove. In fact, if I was to bring her in bags of groceries, she wouldn't know what to do with them. She wouldn't bathe and didn't when I took care of her single handedly for 4 months. # times I got fired and 3 times I quit.

This woman has made my life a living hell all my life and now I even call her and see her maybe once a week. She is a 15 minute walk from me and every day I tell myself 'tomorrow'. I can't stand the woman.

I am feeling so angry and bitter right now. She has destroyed so many people's lives and she is STILL here! She is supposed be going to this residence at the end of the month and I am thinking the worst is yet ahead. She will be a disrupter and maybe kicked out. She truly will not have anywhere to go if she does, or leaves on her own accord. Though I couldn't give a Fat F if she does.

Thanks All.

No I don’t think it’s wrong . Not If the care recipient is difficult and displaying aggressive or narcissistic behaviour that is affecting you and your family’s life and mental health.

I surely hope it isnt wrong. I think it is honest actually. There is nothing else to bring us all peace. right?

I think it’s so hard to watch a terminal person suffer and this is a common feeling among caregivers. My husband has ALS and is always quick to tell me what I’m doing wrong or shaking his head if I make a mistake. I get constant criticism and complaining. If the situation were reversed, I believe he would have put me somewhere. It’s the most difficult thing to be a caregiver, thank God I have many good friends that give me emotional support.